Ex friend sneering at me in public

[clingclangclong]

I posted this a few months ago: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2602988-dealing-with-ex-best-friend-who-refuses-to-speak-to-me

For brevity's sake, my ex best friend stopped speaking to me spontaneously and cut me out of her life after helping me break up with my ex partner. I later found out she had become friends with my ex and had him as an usher at her wedding to someone she met and got married to very quickly. My OP ended when she turned up as a regular contractor at my work (even though I had moved to a different town) and continued to completely ignore me. I was (still am) unsure what I am perceived to have done and it's been years now.

After a month of not speaking to me at all at work, to my relief she got moved and stopped coming in to my particular office but stayed in the building. But to my horror now I am seeing her much more as she seems to have moved to the same (small) village as me and her behaviour has become more aggressive.

When I see her, she laughs. It's a pitying laugh as if I am perpetually walking around with my skirt tucked into my knickers, or if there is a secret I don't know about, or just a joke she has with herself about me. It's when she passes me in the corridor at work, or on the street, or in our local pub. It's a small community so this is frequent - maybe once a week. It's this sneery laugh as if I am the butt of a longstanding joke and she can't hold it in when she sees me. She is often with one or more other women who she also draws into the laughing - whatever it's about - and they often all giggle. They look at me, then hide behind their hands as if they are trying to stifle their laughter or being discreet but failing. It is like being bullied at school and is very goady.

One of these times I actually confronted her in the middle of a laughing fit and asked her what her problem was. She looked at me and looked round at her friends as if she didn't know who I was or who I was addressing (of course she did) and as If I was a mad woman and then said "nothing" with a baffled face like she was rather taken aback by being talked to at all. Then she talked about it very loudly with the people she was with as I walked away, something along the lines of "what is WRONG with some people? Pathetic!"

Yet the laughing and sneering continues, even worse now that I have reacted. I feel like I'm going mad. How should I be handling it? What should I be doing when she does it? I feel like I am 12 again.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I'm not police or law trained, but if she isn't actively seeking you out (notes through door, emails, calls..) then I think it will be hard to call it harassment - just moving to live in the same village, and sneering at you, isn't a criminal act.

With regard to 'bad-mouthing' - those who know you will ignore it (and might even challenge it); this who don't know you, don't matter!

Breezy is the way to go here, I feel.

[CrazyDuchess]

Agree - go breezy! Just act like she doesn't even exist in your world.

You'll find she'll probably step up to try to gain your attention... then you know your technique is working.

I would also keep a log of her behaviour because she doesn't sound quite right... that's a lot of effort to go to to make someone else feel uncomfortable!

[MistressDeeCee]

I wouldn't say a word to her. Every time she laughed as I walked past, Id either sigh heavily and roll my eyes, or give her an "are you mad?" quizzical look. No other engagement with the idiot apart from that.

[Stardust160]

I had this with an ex work colleague although not to the same level as you. I was same didn't do her any wrong, taught what I knew as I was more experienced at the job and she appreciated it. She and I got on really well in the beginning. Then she just went incredibly funny didn't really want to work together tried to compete with me. I think she felt threatened that I was good at the job. I ended up leaving but not till she made my last days unbearable I snapped at her.

I seen her a view times and she would chuckle. One time I made the point of giving her a extra happy hello Sarah. She didn't know what to do with herself. Funny enough I saw her in town yesterday.I didn't click straight away and she sneered at me with her friend. Wish I had been more I the ball. I haven't worked with her in about 5 years!! I would of thought she would of grown up. Kill her with kindness and walk off before she has chance to reply.

[BombadierFritz]

Do you think she is stalking you or is it coincidence that she has ended up at your work then village? If coincidence, just be extra cheery and smiley when you see her out with others and get your friends onside. If stalking, then keep a log and escalate to police if it goes any further. I would try to feel sorry for her by imagining she has a serious mental illness or personality disorder so my cheery hello is a bit 'care in the community' poor love cant help it

[Isetan]

Even if you were the worlds biggest bitch, it still wouldn't justify her pathetic teenage mean girl performance. This woman has issues and it's probably why she favours your Ex, you didn't lose a friend, you lost an unhappy woman whose sad vindictive ways hadn't surfaced yet.

Part of your role in all this is to be the shocked and hurt audience, so don't be. Reclaim your power by ignoring her, she simply isn't worth a second of your time.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Like other PPs, I think you're giving her too much headspace. You've been asking yourself why? how? when?... If you can, just stop. I know it's hard. DD is in a similar situation and asks herself why and tries to understand, but you can't and there's no point in trying; you will and are, doing harm to yourself.

I know it's really hard, but you've got to fill your head and thoughts with something else. I'm saying this all very kindly.