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dealing with ex-best friend who refuses to speak to me

(28 Posts)
clingclangclong Tue 29-Mar-16 23:02:32

Common story on here... had a best friend for five years. She was older than me by about 10 years and a single mum of a DD and was also my next door neighbour. I was young and in a controlling relationship. We saw each other almost every day as I helped out with her dd when she needed to work or go on dates, and she gave me some "sage" advice regarding relationships, being older and having more experience - which eventually led me have to confidence to leave my then-P. We shared everything, told each other everything, including sharing money, as neither of us had very much. So we'd take it in turns to do a food shop, take the food round to each other's houses and cook it for her, her dd and I. If she had been paid and I needed something, she would get it for me, and vice versa. The money thing worked out about even when I look back, with perhaps me contributing more, but not an amount that I would resent.

After my break up I went away for a job for 3 weeks and I got back to find that she was no longer speaking to me and that she had a boyfriend and had moved in with him. Her texts while I was away had trailed off, but I thought it was okay or that she was upset that I had gone away and I resolved to try to see her a bit more when I got back. I was in shock at first and then very confused. I tried a number of things: making more effort, giving her space, asking if she was okay, asking if I had done anything. All were met with either silence, or very formal replies to my texts with "regards," at the end instead of the usual "lots of love xxx" etc.

After about a month I was very upset about it all, as not only had I been dealing with leaving my ex, I had lost her too. She and her boyfriend got engaged very quickly (I heard from mutual friends) and they didn't invite me to the wedding. On the FB photos I saw of the event, my ex was pride of place on the top table. My ex who she professed to hate and had advised me to leave! I enquired with one of our mutual friends what I could have done and I also contacted her sister, asking if either of them knew what had happened or what I could do to rectify things. They both replied and said that they thought she had to "get over it" but neither told me what "it" was.

I eventually moved to a different town without ever being able to have a conversation with her. I met my now-dh and got married. I invited her to the wedding but she didn't respond to the invitation.

It is four years later now. I work in a place where we do a lot of outsourcing to sole traders who come in for set hours per week. And guess who has started to come in?! When I see her - even when we are sitting on opposite desks - she completely and totally ignores me. She doesn't have eye contact and she doesn't say a word. We have not yet been asked to interact by my boss, so that situation has not arisen yet, but I am at a total loss as to how to behave now and when we do.

What would you do? What would you say? Some days I feel like shaking her, and others I just feel like laughing at how pathetic it all is.

AllChangeLife Tue 29-Mar-16 23:24:32

I am probably not the best to give an opinion here, but I couldn't not confront her... I'd have to ask her before or after work. or if you have to in the kitchen or whatever.

i'd probably say something like "Given we are now in the same space, i'm going to ask again what the hell happened to our friendship".

Some will say to let it go - but I couldn't. That is just me. Whatever she says I probably wouldn't bother arguing with her, but I'd like to know.

springydaffs Tue 29-Mar-16 23:27:21

Gosh, my heartrate went right up reading your op. Gruesome.

She sounds personality-disordered. Initially I would have said she was treating you like a partner when you were close - almost having an emotional affair with you? The fact she got engaged very quickly to her now-H indicates she goes from 0-60 in a minute. So, not balanced. Once she had her partner you no longer existed. I'm sorry.

As for your ex at the top table - darling, you have been horribly betrayed. There's no coming back from that. Please, cut her right out of your life. When she acts like you aren't there, you do likewise. She is not, and probably never has been, your friend. She is treacherous., at least, but there appears to be some kind of disorder pumping away with her.

But 'she' got you through a bad time so look at it that something good came of it at the time. Just not longstanding. Live and learn...

Something similar has recently happened to me. A young guy, who thought I was the best thing on the planet. Flattering! Not romantic at all - we connected on an intellectual/creative level. Then suddenly the lights went right out and he could barely focus when we were together. His new wife warned me he goes from hot to cold at the flick of a switch. He's a sweet guy but omg that was destabilising for me - I thought we'd be friends for life. You probably thought the same. Not so in both our cases.

Dust yourself off. She's not worth it flowers

TheNaze73 Wed 30-Mar-16 07:26:36

springy is spot on. She's so not worth your time or energy. It's one of the worst scenarios possible, losing a friend to an ex, like the ultimate betrayal. Think you need to just be the bigger person here & let it go. Any type of confrontation wint get you answers & will make you look weak

ladyjadie Wed 30-Mar-16 07:39:19

Do you mean she married your ex or that he was just at the wedding on the top table?

mithy Wed 30-Mar-16 08:01:45

Do you think your ex told her some whopping lies about you while you were away?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Wed 30-Mar-16 08:05:57

I would treat her like she is treating you.

So act like you don't know her/never met her before. If you have to interact for work be polite, keep any talk to business only, no small talk and ignore as much as possible.

RealityCheque Wed 30-Mar-16 08:19:06

"horribly betrayed"
"Treacherous"

Some people need to greet a grip!

For sure, this woman is strange and it does sound like your ex filled her head with shite while you were away? Move on and ignore her - she has serious issues and is clearly immature.

MistressDeeCee Wed 30-Mar-16 08:43:13

She and her boyfriend got engaged very quickly (I heard from mutual friends) and they didn't invite me to the wedding. On the FB photos I saw of the event, my ex was pride of place on the top table. My ex who she professed to hate and had advised me to leave!

Come on OP - are there no alarm bells or red flags waving regarding this aspect alone?! She is not your friend leave the woman alone fgs, how much more of a bloody huge hint do you need that she is no longer your friend, and doesn't want to be, and likely back then was never truly your friend anyway, she was just able to hide her hypocrisy

Join a meetup group, take up a hobby etc whatever you want or need to do to make good friends. But when a friendship has sunk and is dead in the water, it is very often better to leave it right there

Coconutty Wed 30-Mar-16 08:50:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsNotMyRabbit Wed 30-Mar-16 09:02:26

I'd treat her with icy, just-this-side-of-civil contempt. She's been vile. Treat her as you would a stranger. She is shit on your shoe.

ThatsNotMyRabbit Wed 30-Mar-16 09:03:45

I don't mean you'd treat a stranger badly. I just mean don't acknowledge that you used to be friends.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 30-Mar-16 09:10:49

If your ex was at the top table is it possible that's he's good friends with her now husband and told her that you had made up everything about the abuse he gave you and then maybe added on some lies you may of said about her.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 30-Mar-16 09:11:52

Hit send to soon. Id also completely ignore her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of showing you even care by bringing it up. It's shit but it's happened and she's shown her true colours.

OliviaStabler Wed 30-Mar-16 09:18:14

I wouldn't 'do' anything. Whatever has happened she is clearly no friend to you. If she felt you had directly slighted her in some way, any decent friend would have talked to you about it. If others have been telling her lies about you, then she should have spoken to you about it and not blindly believed the others over you.

It is clear she wants nothing to do with you. It is baffling and painful but you have to accept the situation. If you are forced to interact be polite and professional but do not say one word in friendliness or banter.

I've had this happen to me and it is awful but there is nothing you can do. Hopefully in time you will see that this 'friend' was no 'friend' at all after how she has treated you.

IdaJones Wed 30-Mar-16 09:20:09

If he was on the top table then presumably he must either be best friends with the groom/best man or related to him?

clingclangclong Wed 30-Mar-16 11:16:52

Regarding my ex being friends with them -

it all happened very quickly. Suddenly when I got back she had a boyfriend, was no longer speaking to me, and in that time also, one or both of them must have befriended my ex to the point that he was one of the ushers at their wedding. It was just the most unbelievable turn of events for me.

And yes I worry that perhaps ex lied about something. You see, I am trying to work out who is worse. Ex-P or her?

Thank you for your replies so far.

clingclangclong Wed 30-Mar-16 11:18:11

I mean I am trying to work out whether the root cause of the problem is X-P or her. Maybe he could have told her a horrific lie regarding something I said about her and she thinks she is justifiably hating me.

GlitterGlassEye Wed 30-Mar-16 11:28:22

Some of the replies on here hmm. Op is hardly stalking her. I would want to know why I was cast aside and would be wondering what lies had been said about me.

They're both as bad as each other op.

Fuck them both.

winkywinkola Wed 30-Mar-16 11:31:12

I wouldn't bother trying to work it out. It's bizarre behaviour at the very least. Not to mention hurtful.

And yes, it is totally a betrayal when a friend turns on you, blanks you and takes up a friendship with your ex, the very ex she helped you leave.

Get some pride. You did absolutely nothing wrong. She however, really did!

Hold your head up and totally ignore her. Stop trying to figure out this mad woman - because she seriously has some real issues - and get on with your life.

Do not even give her time of day. She is not worthy of anything from you. Put it down to her being a loon and cut her out. Please don't start asking her or confronting her. It will get you nowhere, you won't get the truth and you will look needy and desperate. There is nothing to be gained but icy, professional words if they are ever necessary.

I would also watch out to make sure she doesn't start making life difficult for you at work.

FrancesHaHa Wed 30-Mar-16 11:39:00

Even if ex did make up whopping lies about you, that wouldn't justify her behaviour.

What kind of friend would believe an abusive ex over close friend? What kind of friend wouldn't at least speak to her friend about what she'd been told, no matter what the story?

I'm not sure there could be an explanation that justifies this behaviour, really, even if you could get her talk to you about it.

It sounds incredibly frustrating, but I think you might just have to accept its the past and move on.

OliviaStabler Wed 30-Mar-16 11:49:04

What kind of friend wouldn't at least speak to her friend about what she'd been told, no matter what the story?

I had this happen to me. Someone who I considered a friend believed that I had spoken to another person about her. I had not said anything but she believed them not me. Months later she tried to crawl back but by then I knew what kind of person she was and I wanted nothing to do with her.

sunshinesummer Wed 30-Mar-16 11:53:14

Oh blimey, what a horrible scenario. She sounds like a fruit loop, tbh. Do you think she was advising you to leave your Ex, because she wanted a crack at him? That didn't work, but she hooked up with his mate instead?

My "best friend" of about 5 years, coached me through a separation from first H. Turns out she was shagging him. Some people just have no morals. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. After this happened, I dreaded the thought of bumping in to her in a supermarket or something, I was just so mortified at the betrayal. Thankfully, I have now remarried and moved towns, so I no longer have that dread of seeing her. I cannot imagine sitting opposite her at work! The very thought makes me feel sick. Can you ask to be moved? Tell your boss you can't work near her. That's what I'd do.

I'm glad you have remarried and are now happy. flowers

HortonWho Wed 30-Mar-16 11:55:01

So your work hired her and she's snubbing you? I'd be extremely polite and professional to her in front of an audience of your colleagues. If she actually blanks you in front of an audience, I doubt she'll be asked back.

Roussette Wed 30-Mar-16 12:44:07

Try and leave this behind. You will never get answers because people like this are not nice. I would imagine she got your ex at her wedding just to get at you.

Treat her like she barely exists and like you've never met her before.

This is horrible for you but being the nasty person she is, she will be loving it that you are trying to find out what went wrong, it's all a game to her, so don't play it.

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