DH does no childcare. Nothing. Please help me see clearly.

[blistersclots]

DH and I have been married 5 years. We both worked for ourselves and we agreed that when we had DC that we did not know what it would be like and would both contribute towards childcare and “see how things turned out.”

When we got married, DH already owned two properties, and when we had much anticipated DD 2.5 years ago, DH transferred half of both properties into my name and created a joint bank account and made me a Director of his company, giving me access to the company’s profits and his salary (this seems relevant, to me at least, as I mention later.)

When DD arrived and I was BF-ing on demand, it naturally transpired that I gave up half of my work and DH’s business took off. What also transpired was that DH just did not/could not look after DD by himself. Since the day she was born, he has not changed nappies, dressed her, played with her, fed her, bathed her, got her up, put her to bed, put her in the car, lifted or held her for more than 1 minute, or made her a drink by himself.

For the first few months after DD was born, I thought it was shock/lack of experience that led to him doing nothing, and then we somehow got into a habit where I did absolutely everything anyway and no longer left her with him, even though he had the free time and opportunity to take her. I worked my part time hours during DD’s naps and after she went to bed, but it just didn’t work because clients needed me on the end of the phone during normal working hours and not at night, so I stopped work.

When DD was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and my next natural strategy was to try to get some childcare, with the end hope of maybe managing to work a bit again. We spoke to a few nannies and nurseries, but DH came up with excuses and problems with everyone we interviewed and every nursery we visited. He eventually revealed that he felt strongly that nothing was better for DC than being solely with their own mother until they go to school, a view he had not previously come out with. Childcare plans were abandoned, I had DS and gave up my days to BF-ing newborn again and taking care of toddler DD. The pattern was already established that I did everything with one DC, so it continued into two DC.

DH’s average weekday is from 8am-1am, pushing his business, entertaining clients in the evenings, and travelling, and I am with DD and DS all day. Aside from sleep problems and illness (of which the DCs have had many) I usually put them to bed and sit alone in the evenings. When DH has time off he is “exhausted” and wants to stay in bed or lie on the sofa and watch TV.

I have brought this issue up with him many times and I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but he genuinely does not think he is an unavailable father. He absolutely and truly believes that he is a perfect father because he “provides” for them. He can be affectionate – he likes to kiss and hug them, but this lasts for maybe a few seconds a day, and because they are just not used to him being around, they often cry and flinch when he does it because he goes from not interacting with them at all, to being all over them.

I can cite so many outstandingly unfair examples from the last 2.5 years of when he has left me completely unable to cope, but he has two excuses which he uses interchangeably 1. The situation where he did not do anything was an exception and it was because he was more exhausted than me or ill And 2. That he is carrying the burden of our family finances, and I am oblivious to the kind of stress he is under building his business “for us”, now that I no longer work.

I feel he is a hypocrite and has put me in an impossible situation by saying work stress is the reason he does not do more, but not allowing that stress to be reduced by letting me work to ease the burden. The answer I get when I tell friends/family about this is “surely you knew he was like this going in?” Apparently this is because he is a renowned workaholic and anyone could have guessed he would never look after DCs and they assumed I was also the traditional sort who wanted to stay at home and dedicate my life to children and have DH go to work. No. That’s not what we agreed.

A further development is that I am now pregnant again with DC3 and I have a huge sense of dread at having DH who will not back me up, a toddler, a baby and a newborn to care for by myself and never being able to have a break because of DH's hatred of any childcare except for mine. I have communicated this dread to him very clearly and we have argued about it. He has made one change and it is that he now does 60% of the housework, which has made things slightly better but still does not address the fundamental problem, which is that I am bringing the DCs up alone.

I have lost some respect for him because I feel so damn hurt that he cannot see or does not care that I am unhappy and in a situation I didn’t sign up to.
Even worse is that he dips in and out with complaints and niggly details which show how far removed he is from what a life with DC is like. He doesn’t like how DD throws her food on the floor and could I please try to stop her doing it, as it gets on the carpet? He doesn't like how DS screams, could I please try and stop him? He read an article today which says that children should be outside for 30% of the day. How much time do I give our DC outside? Could I time it next time and make sure that I am giving them the required amount?

As I have access to all his company funds and our bank account, I can use the money as I wish. I have paid for childcare in secret from this bank account when I really needed it by withdrawing cash and pretending it went on something else - but I don’t want to have to do it in secret!

He knows and I know (and we have acknowledged, indirectly, to each other during a crisis point) that I could leave tomorrow and take half of everything, and give him 50% custody of the DCs, meaning he would have to step up. Even after this conversation and acknowledgement of what would happen if we split, he has continued to share all assets with me (he bought another house for my parents and put it solely in my name) – so it doesn’t make logical sense to me that he is putting me in this situation because he is a complete bastard twunt, if you see what I mean? It just makes me feel that he is so signed up to this ideal of him being the perfect provider and me being the perfect mother that he cannot shift his perspective at all.

Everyone has told me that it gets easier once the DCs go to school, because then you at least have some free time to yourself. But it is frustrating knowing that we can afford some childcare NOW but he is so against it. Also, no nanny wants to work last minute, in secret. So on the rare occasions when I am at my wit’s end and DH is safely off at work and not returning until late, it is only random, interchangeable agency babysitters who can come round and watch the DC when I have terrible morning sickness - not more permanent figures in the DC’s lives who they can become familiar with.

Is there something I’m missing here? Is there a logic or a solution I am not seeing? Is this just what it is like for some people? That some Hs that you think would be great Dads just pull total shockers and do absolutely nothing?

If I can put the resentment and sense of unfairness aside, our marriage is fine. We still laugh, we still have sex, we still do kind little loving things for each other. IF - and it's a big if - I can put the resentment aside. But it is becoming increasingly hard. He will go out of his way for me, but only in ways that have nothing to do with the DC, which is the only way I really want to be helped right now.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

In general, if the mother is depressed or unhappy, the whole family suffers.

Some people need to work to be happy. I am one of those people. Sounds like you are too.

It is not a matter of financial gain or saving the world. It is a matter of your mental health.

Religious people in my family can't understand why I work when "I don't have to."

If I can be arsed with responding I say "I love my work" "I am a better mother when I work too." "I am not the type of person who can stay at home" "I would still work if I won Euromillions, I love my work, it keeps me sane and I am a better mother for it." "I think it important for children to see mothers working." "I suppose it would be easier if I could be happy without working but that's not the way I am." "I need both family and work to be happy, just like DH does."

If it will take time to rebuild your network then you'd better get started soon hadn't you? You know you will need childcare based on your experience last time, so better start researching that. It helps to get the children into the childcare a month or so before you start work if you can afford it.

[Want2bSupermum]

I hear you loud and clear. I had similiar issues with my DH and I continued working. Anyway, this is what I would do....

Your set up is division of labour. You are in charge of family and he is in charge of working. You don't tell him how to run the family business so he shouldn't tell you how to run the family.

Tomorrow morning you hire help and tell him in a matter of fact manner. You are having a hard time with the pregnancy and need help while he is working.

Take a look at your DHs schedule and figure out when he is available to take the eldest child to activities. Taking a child to an activity is easy parenting (yes you will need to get them ready which sucks but that can be step 2) and the fact he has zero parenting experience doesn't matter because during class there are others around who can help him out. I would then do the same with the second.

I would also have his parents over for dinner at least once a week and have your DH attend. The kids will be excited to see their father and will go to him. He won't have it in him to say no. When he calls you to take over I would say 'Oh DC wants x, why don't you do it together? DC would love it!'

Also, take care of yourself. If you have a CS here in the Us a tubal ligation is an option. You do not need your DHs permission and the obn will do it on the quiet if needed.

[LidikaLikes]

OP, I am in a sort-of-similar situation, but my DH only works 11 hours per day and is hands-on with the DC.

But strict religious practices, large families, SAHM, guilt trips all very common among my peers and their families.

Your DH seems to have shut down your ability to have a voice. Do you get to socialise with friends? Alone?

It's OK to get a break, with young kids it's the only way to keep sanity!

Is he OK with state education? I ask this because for many of my peers the mother is also expected to homeschool... My kids go to mainstream school, I shot down any idea of homeschooling, just not for me!!

[RandomMess]

I think as you can afford it you tell him that you are having a nanny or some other childcare whether he wants it or not unless he is prepared to do x hours of solo childcare per week for all the DC.

[WriteforFun1]

Oh I dudnt see a second post because of the name change, I normally see lists from the op highlighted.

[MunchCrunch01]

You have access to money, and you already have 2 small dc and very little family help. Hire help immediately, dont ask for permission, just do it. He's behaving madly. You didn't sign up for his mum's life so don't live it.

[Kr1stina]

You need to sort this out now or it will destroy your marriage .

I have been in a very similar situation for more than 10 years . My H works away more than 50% of the time and when he's home he works evenings and weekends too. Well he's supposedly working but I suspect he's mostly just avoiding family life .

When I had three under school age I was just on my knees with exhaustion and he would never help at all - there was always a work excuse . My youngest had health problems and didn't sleep through the night until he was 3.5 years old . I think I went for about 5 years without a full nights sleep .

It was 9 years before I got one night away from the children . We have no family support and one child has SN so it was hard to get a babysitter , even for the once or twice a year that Dh would agree to go out.

Children are wonderful and I love mine very much . But no one can do any job 24 hours a day , 52 weeks a year without any time off .

Our children are now all school age and I work part time . But my Hs behaviour has killed any love I have for him- I don't even like him any more . we have no " marriage " left - it's just a house sharing arrangement .

I have a plan to leave .

Please don't make the mistakes I have .

[BerylStreep]

Not sure if it has been mentioned yet, but there are considerable tax advantages to putting property and business in your spouse's name, so it may not be as altruistic as it first appears.

[Marilynsbigsister]

He really isn't the boss of you. So he doesn't want childcare ? But he doesn't do any childcare. You do all the childcare and want help. ? So get it. His wishes do not trump your - especially when it's something he doesn't even deign to get involved with.

Are you telling him how to run his business- no ! So he doesn't get to decide if you need more staff in 'your business' (childcare)

If you are fearful that his 'generous behaviour' - houses in your name, joint accounts etc - will change if you don't do as he says, forget that. You are married. The business/houses/bank accounts are half yours anyway, simply by the fact you are married. This isn't his 'gift' to make. It's the starting point, should you separate. The resident parent who look after the children, usually receives a much greater share than 50/50.

You really need to start standing up for yourself and telling him how YOU will be running your life with the children.

[coconutpie]

How and why are you still having sex with this awful man? Genuinely, I am baffled that anybody would actually want to have sex with someone who behaves like this and you say you laugh together, have a good time, etc. How? How have you not exploded with resentment? He has you right where he wants you and he's being emotionally abusive. He has you trapped and now you're 3 DC later. Honestly, you need to sort out contraception - perhaps abstinence would be the best for now because how you can be attracted to that pathetic shit is just beyond comprehension.

I agree with the PP who said those assets are probably in your name for business purposes so that if the company goes belly up, those assets can't be taken away from him. Tell him you are hiring a nanny or childminder or creche (whichever suits you best, not him) and it's not up for discussion. If you want to return to work, do it. And if he starts spouting these stupid parenting articles about 30% fresh air and all this other shit, tell him to STFU and until he decides to step up and parent himself, that he is not allowed give any opinion on how you raise your DC.

[Wheelerdeeler]

Why did you have a 2nd and now 3rd child with a man who clearly hates children?

[HelenaDove]

Until the OP clarifies whether shes on contraception or not and the reasons why Wheeler can you not treat the OP as if they were immaculate conceptions.

Her DH and his family have already revealed themselves to be pro lifers (forced birthers ) so its not a huge stretch to believe that they are against contraception especially if STRICT Catholicism is involved.

[YonicTrowel]

Wheeler, OP has said the second was an accident and she thought DH would improve and she was pressured not to terminate her current PG.

How many months till the birth, OP? Can you book a mothers' help now?

[springydaffs]

It is sounds like STRICT Catholicism is exactly what op is dealing with here.

Barefoot and pregnant, that's what you are. He probably planned it all along - the little wife at home. What you describe is not 1950s so much but Victorian; Edwardian, even. Is he British btw?

I think you may have glossed over the nature of his workaholism. As with any addiction, it is a device to avoid, well, 'being'. Avoid being alive, conscious. A self-medication to put oneself to sleep in order to avoid facing the challenging (though potentially joyful, of course) business of being an alive and complex (as in capable of a huge range of experiences) human being. Ultimately, relational. He doesn't do relational because he's put himself to sleep with work (and probably has no relationship with himself therefore family life is anathema to him). He justifies it - as all addicts justify their addiction - and the justifications are dazzlingly plausible: you can't see the join. It all looks good - but it isn't, is it? Your immense disquiet is your soul that knows this. isn't. right.

But that's one explanation for his unnatural way of living - the other clear theme is that he has taken away from you, with extremely plausible arguments, all your autonomy, using the children as emotional blackmail, backed up by his revolting family system and a mother who sounds like something out of Oscar Wilde . I do think if you scratch the surface, this is what is underneath: that he believes women should know their place. Men like this have a low opinion of women. You probably won't recognise that now and may recoil from the suggestion - because you know him, love him, have great times with him; you're easy together. It's hard to accept that someone we think we know so well has a huge agenda pumping away. Money is power, it's good to remember that.

I would also like to be the first to put in a bet: that if you took off for the day/weekend/week, he'd get in childcare quick as a flash. He wouldn't tolerate even one hour with his children. He'd probably justify getting in childcare - children need their MOTHERS - or he'd use his mother/ a relative for childcare. They'd probably be all of a tizz at the scandal and you'd be in the doghouse: The Bad Mother.

pfft.

[NoSquirrels]

The thing is, from what you have posted, your marriage (and thus your roles within it) are not based on it being a partnership, but a hierarchy with your husband as The Boss, and you as Subordinate.

He is not the Ultimate Decision Maker.

He can't dictate that you do all the childraising, if you do not agree this is for the best for everyone.

And you don't. That comes across strongly. Even if it were proven to be the best for the DC, it is clearly not the best for you.

You do feel guilty about feeling as if you're "ungrateful" for the opportunity to stay at home and be with your DC 24-7. But you shouldn't. It's not healthy.

Figure out what you need:

1. decent reliable childcare
   
2. a role for yourself outside of the DC
   
3. a cleaner?
   
   and figure out a timescale.
   
   Btw, you can get the childcare even without having a direct plan to get your business back up and running. I would say as you are having DC3 against your initial inclinations, that it is very fair to employ in some extra support for yourself at this point, regardless of whether you're using it for just some much needed time off, extra hands when the baby arrives or for paid employment a bit later on. You didn't ever envisage three children, and it is a significant change.
   
   Please don't wait for "school-age DC' to solve your problems. I guarantee it becomes just as hard to work then, and you will have lost even more confidence in yourself, especially adding another potential 5-year gap until DC3 becomes school age.
   
   Act now. Take back some control. If your husband doesn't want to be involved with child-raising, then you make the decisions on how the children are cared for.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you need to tread a bit carefully, OP. Men like this, who do not consider women - or children - to be human beings, men whose 'wifeandfamily' are props to their outsized egos, can react very badly to challenges to their authority. There is a risk that if you arrange childcare or disobey him in any way, that he will punish you - it might 'only' be destruction of property or withdrawal of money at first, but it may involve physical assault, or he may hurt or endanger the children to ensure your compliance. Because you and the children are not people to him, he might well decide that scaring, neglecting or even hurting them is the way to make sure you spend your life looking after them.
To test this, as PP have said, tell him that you are arranging some paid childcare and see what happens. He will probably try to bully you into obeying him at first, or he may cancel the childcare or make sure you cannot pay for it, but it is very likely he will do something to make sure that your free time, or work time, is interrupted. You will certainly be punished in some way, but it will (hopefully) be fairly subtle the first time. This will give you a clear picture of what you are dealing with, at which point you can make quick and secretive plans to get out of the marriage.

[Iflyaway]

Op, you are getting some brilliant advice and insight here from posters.

Thing is, what is it that made you accept this kind of lifestyle?

You have the financial means, I would recommend a great therapist for you alone while getting the child care sorted.

You owe it to yourself and your children's future.

[TendonQueen]

I'm with coconut because I can't get my head around 'we still laugh together, have sex, do kind things' at all. I'd be boiling with resentment every time I looked at him. As you have been at times, from some bits of your posts. I do not get how you've blotted that out so as to go into loving sex mode.

[thelastwingedthing]

There is a sterilisation procedure called Essure. I dont know what its like but its a quick procedure .

Be wary. I had this done after my youngest and it caused excessive bleeding to the point where I had to have an endometrial ablation. There are other, less damaging (and less permanent if that's what you want) contraceptives out there.

Definitely take control of your own fertility.

[zippey]

It sounds like a terrible family life! You are miserable because you do everything with the kids without a break. The DH is miserable working from 8am till 1am and knackered on days off. And worst of all the children don't have a relationship with 50% of their parents. The only good thing about your lives is money.

I'd say it's better to be poor and happy! Your kids won't thank you or DH when older!

[zippey]

Practicalities, someone above suggested nipping off to the shops or hairdressers for a bit, starting small and taking it from there. Go for a run, excessive class, take up a hobby to free you for a couple of hours a week on your own.

Do you go out as a family? Eg days out etc

[NoSquirrels]

Any strong move I make now will be met with a lot of resistance from DH and his family who do not understand why I am not out of my mind with happiness that I have two DC and one on the way, and that my DH is making lots of money in his business and has "given half of it to me."

Rereading this. You talk of asking for help with childcare, or of getting back into work at the right time, as being "a strong move" i.e. you will need to stand up to your husband, you will need to fight back, you are in a battle with him.

Marriages and parenting should be a partnership of equals, not a struggle for power.

I know that you think it is controlling but when you are apparently given "everything anyone would want" and all you have to do in return is just "take care of your own DC," from the outside it looks like I am the one who is being unreasonable and spoilt (hence me posting here for reality check.) DH would care less if I blew 20k on gambling than if I spent it on a year's childcare.

"Your own children". Does your DH "take care of his own children"? Or does he work for fulfillment as well as money? Hypothetically, if you had the same earning power as he does, would he stay at home to raise the DC? Or would he still expect you to do it because you'd be better at it/he'd be depressed if he didn't work/DC need their mother not a father?

Your husband should support you in feeling fulfilled and happy. That is his job, to not only provide monetarily/materially for the family, but to support you emotionally too.

You should not give any credence to his family's point of view. They did things their way, you are not obliged to follow suit.

I agree with SGB - take it slowly. Tell your husband you need help with childcare now, before DC3 arrives, and you will be arranging some, just to give you a bit of a breather. This divorces the childcare conversation from the need for you to have childcare to earn money, so it's a cost just of having DC, not a cost incurred by you working. See what happens.

[liletsthepink]

Once DC3 arrives do not have sex with this man until you have sorted out proper contraception that you are in control of (pill, implant, injections, coil or getting sterilised). Do NOT rely on condoms unless you want another accident.

I agree with pp that you tell DH you need childcare and are hiring someone immediately. Be prepared for his family to want to 'help out more' when they hear this and to having to say to them 'no, I need professional childcare but thanks for offering'.

[springydaffs]

Boiled frog folks. We don't accept these situations right off, it takes an age for them to unfold.

I also remember the rapport abusive ex and I had in counselling. Yy not a good idea with an abuser (we didn't know that back then) but we lapsed into our rapport in front of the therapist. We had a lot of shared history. Plus I was still blind to the true nature of the abuse - I had been slowly boiled and didn't hop out of the pan until late.

[Bettydownthehall]

Give him a date at which you will be going back to work. Tell him he can either do the childcare or you will be hiring someone.