DH does no childcare. Nothing. Please help me see clearly.

[blistersclots]

DH and I have been married 5 years. We both worked for ourselves and we agreed that when we had DC that we did not know what it would be like and would both contribute towards childcare and “see how things turned out.”

When we got married, DH already owned two properties, and when we had much anticipated DD 2.5 years ago, DH transferred half of both properties into my name and created a joint bank account and made me a Director of his company, giving me access to the company’s profits and his salary (this seems relevant, to me at least, as I mention later.)

When DD arrived and I was BF-ing on demand, it naturally transpired that I gave up half of my work and DH’s business took off. What also transpired was that DH just did not/could not look after DD by himself. Since the day she was born, he has not changed nappies, dressed her, played with her, fed her, bathed her, got her up, put her to bed, put her in the car, lifted or held her for more than 1 minute, or made her a drink by himself.

For the first few months after DD was born, I thought it was shock/lack of experience that led to him doing nothing, and then we somehow got into a habit where I did absolutely everything anyway and no longer left her with him, even though he had the free time and opportunity to take her. I worked my part time hours during DD’s naps and after she went to bed, but it just didn’t work because clients needed me on the end of the phone during normal working hours and not at night, so I stopped work.

When DD was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and my next natural strategy was to try to get some childcare, with the end hope of maybe managing to work a bit again. We spoke to a few nannies and nurseries, but DH came up with excuses and problems with everyone we interviewed and every nursery we visited. He eventually revealed that he felt strongly that nothing was better for DC than being solely with their own mother until they go to school, a view he had not previously come out with. Childcare plans were abandoned, I had DS and gave up my days to BF-ing newborn again and taking care of toddler DD. The pattern was already established that I did everything with one DC, so it continued into two DC.

DH’s average weekday is from 8am-1am, pushing his business, entertaining clients in the evenings, and travelling, and I am with DD and DS all day. Aside from sleep problems and illness (of which the DCs have had many) I usually put them to bed and sit alone in the evenings. When DH has time off he is “exhausted” and wants to stay in bed or lie on the sofa and watch TV.

I have brought this issue up with him many times and I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but he genuinely does not think he is an unavailable father. He absolutely and truly believes that he is a perfect father because he “provides” for them. He can be affectionate – he likes to kiss and hug them, but this lasts for maybe a few seconds a day, and because they are just not used to him being around, they often cry and flinch when he does it because he goes from not interacting with them at all, to being all over them.

I can cite so many outstandingly unfair examples from the last 2.5 years of when he has left me completely unable to cope, but he has two excuses which he uses interchangeably 1. The situation where he did not do anything was an exception and it was because he was more exhausted than me or ill And 2. That he is carrying the burden of our family finances, and I am oblivious to the kind of stress he is under building his business “for us”, now that I no longer work.

I feel he is a hypocrite and has put me in an impossible situation by saying work stress is the reason he does not do more, but not allowing that stress to be reduced by letting me work to ease the burden. The answer I get when I tell friends/family about this is “surely you knew he was like this going in?” Apparently this is because he is a renowned workaholic and anyone could have guessed he would never look after DCs and they assumed I was also the traditional sort who wanted to stay at home and dedicate my life to children and have DH go to work. No. That’s not what we agreed.

A further development is that I am now pregnant again with DC3 and I have a huge sense of dread at having DH who will not back me up, a toddler, a baby and a newborn to care for by myself and never being able to have a break because of DH's hatred of any childcare except for mine. I have communicated this dread to him very clearly and we have argued about it. He has made one change and it is that he now does 60% of the housework, which has made things slightly better but still does not address the fundamental problem, which is that I am bringing the DCs up alone.

I have lost some respect for him because I feel so damn hurt that he cannot see or does not care that I am unhappy and in a situation I didn’t sign up to.
Even worse is that he dips in and out with complaints and niggly details which show how far removed he is from what a life with DC is like. He doesn’t like how DD throws her food on the floor and could I please try to stop her doing it, as it gets on the carpet? He doesn't like how DS screams, could I please try and stop him? He read an article today which says that children should be outside for 30% of the day. How much time do I give our DC outside? Could I time it next time and make sure that I am giving them the required amount?

As I have access to all his company funds and our bank account, I can use the money as I wish. I have paid for childcare in secret from this bank account when I really needed it by withdrawing cash and pretending it went on something else - but I don’t want to have to do it in secret!

He knows and I know (and we have acknowledged, indirectly, to each other during a crisis point) that I could leave tomorrow and take half of everything, and give him 50% custody of the DCs, meaning he would have to step up. Even after this conversation and acknowledgement of what would happen if we split, he has continued to share all assets with me (he bought another house for my parents and put it solely in my name) – so it doesn’t make logical sense to me that he is putting me in this situation because he is a complete bastard twunt, if you see what I mean? It just makes me feel that he is so signed up to this ideal of him being the perfect provider and me being the perfect mother that he cannot shift his perspective at all.

Everyone has told me that it gets easier once the DCs go to school, because then you at least have some free time to yourself. But it is frustrating knowing that we can afford some childcare NOW but he is so against it. Also, no nanny wants to work last minute, in secret. So on the rare occasions when I am at my wit’s end and DH is safely off at work and not returning until late, it is only random, interchangeable agency babysitters who can come round and watch the DC when I have terrible morning sickness - not more permanent figures in the DC’s lives who they can become familiar with.

Is there something I’m missing here? Is there a logic or a solution I am not seeing? Is this just what it is like for some people? That some Hs that you think would be great Dads just pull total shockers and do absolutely nothing?

If I can put the resentment and sense of unfairness aside, our marriage is fine. We still laugh, we still have sex, we still do kind little loving things for each other. IF - and it's a big if - I can put the resentment aside. But it is becoming increasingly hard. He will go out of his way for me, but only in ways that have nothing to do with the DC, which is the only way I really want to be helped right now.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

He doesn't need childcare or a nanny because he has you. That is the harsh reality. He's also trying to manipulate you by saying it's better for your DCs to be with a parent. If he truly believed that then he would spend time with them too.

He has the energy to stay out till 1am with clients but cannot stay awake when he is with his family. Look at his actions, they tell you where his priorities lie.

Don't have any more children until you try to resolve this. It may be worth trying couples' counselling as at least he would have to commit to spending an hour a week with you and he'd have to arrange childcare for that hour.

Otherwise, arrange childcare and carefully watch his response. If he is threatening or emotionally manipulative then you have to acknowledge your problems are much bigger than childcare.

[asilverraindrop]

Do you have any family members nearby? If so, does he feel the same about you leaving the DCs with them as he does with 'paid' help?

[GeorgeTheThird]

Three under three and no help? Bigger that. He doesn't get to decide. Book a part time nanny and tell him you have done so. If he really doesn't like it he can step up and do it himself. But he won't. You may not be able to change him, but you can change your reactions to him.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Damn autocorrect. BUGGER.

[PovertyPain]

Has he shown you the paperwork that proves you own half the property/business and your parents home, or have you just took his word for that. He seems incredibly generous for someone so controlling.

[CPtart]

He sounds a nightmare. I wouldn't have chose to bring a second child into this dysfunctional mix, let alone a third.
I would frighten him with talk of separation if things don't change massively, and ask him which half of the week would suit him best for having full time care of the DC if you split. Let him try and continue his current lifestyle with that responsibility.

[HazelBite]

Why is he doing 60% of the housework? Wouldn't it make more sense to get home help in the form of a cleaner etc to free up some time for him to get to know his children.
DH is self employed and for 29 weeks shortly after the two youngest were born (DT's) he worked 7 days a week, not ideal, but the work was there and he had to take it. However he arranged and paid for a Mothers help for me which was invaluble and if he was home early enough would put the 6 year old and the 3 year old to bed and read to them.
Its not the lack of childcare that would worry me so much as does he really know the Dc's does he spend 1to 1 time with them, he is missing out on so much if he doesn't.

[Blistersclots]

Thank you for all these responses.

DC2 was an accident, and still in the time where I thought that DH was in shock or would step up or it was just a particularly busy phase at work for him (8 months after birth of DC1.) I soon realised that the status quo we had established was not the exception but the rule.

DC3 I wanted to have a termination, but DH begged me not to and we both got guilt tripped by his catholic family for even considering it. I'm glad I haven't now as I love my DC a lot and in brighter moments j can imagine when i have three older children and how lovely it would be. But the day to day of being pregnant with two very young DC is a different experience. Me wanting a termination led to crisis argument I referred to above where DH promised to do more, but has so far only done more housework. He has also promised that things "will change" when DC3 arrives but there is no evidence/plans in place yet. I feel like I spend a lot of my time feeling hopeful, which is why I hang on, but the years go by and snags happen and I wait and I wait...and I realise that time has passed and nothing has changed.

Any strong move I make now will be met with a lot of resistance from DH and his family who do not understand why I am not out of my mind with happiness that I have two DC and one on the way, and that my DH is making lots of money in his business and has "given half of it to me." I know that you think it is controlling but when you are apparently given "everything anyone would want" and all you have to do in return is just "take care of your own DC," from the outside it looks like I am the one who is being unreasonable and spoilt (hence me posting here for reality check.) DH would care less if I blew 20k on gambling than if I spent it on a year's childcare. And yes I have seen and signed all documents relating to sharing of assets and agreements over the bank account and his company.

I have also lost confidence in my ability to do my old job. When DH and I got together and he was already on the property ladder and I wasn't, I felt that it meant he was a much better or more successful professional than I was or would ever be. I was still renting and living month to month and I think I just felt like a failure at life. Also while I still tried to work while taking sole care of DC1 I let a lot of clients down because I was just not available to them in the way that they needed (because I had no childcare.)

I would need a good few months of childcare just to get back in the game and reactivate my old networks. Those months would not bring in money, so I fear that I'd be stuffed before I'd even begun because it would look like I could no longer do it. And the amounts I'd be dealing with would pale in comparison to DH's salary which would make him argue that I would be more helpful to the family unit by staying at home.

DH's family are very traditional, very close and very religious. They see families as institutions - everyone plays their part and they all do it "for the good of the whole." MIL is a classic martyr who dedicated her life to bringing up DH and all his siblings and now won't hear of any woman doing anything else. DH was not clear that he shared these views when we met. But now this idea of me fannying off and doing a hippy thing like my work on the side while the rest of the family operates like cogs in a well-oiled machine, would fill them with horror. In DH's family the men earn and the women take care of the children. MIL is now 80 and too old to physically help, only to lecture me on childcare, plus she gives off a vibe that I should be "doing my time" as a martyr to my own kids, like some kind of penance.

I can (and did) see the positives of having a solid, unbreakable family unit like this. My own family is chaotic with a lot of dysfunction and fragmentation. One of the positives is that my parents and some extended family have been included in DH's family's care. DH has bought them property in my name and made them feel extremely secure and happy in their retirement. So it's so easy to think that maybe I should just hold on for the next five years and get the DC into school and maybe it is not a terrible price to pay. But every time I resolve to do that I get niggled by this feeling of anger again.

I think the reason that I posted is because I just want to hear reactions about the situation. I was equally expecting to be called spoilt and ungrateful as I was to be told that DH is controlling.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Well he probably won't change. He doesn't sound all bad. And this is a hard time, things will get easier as the children get older. But it simply isn't his decision alone whether you have any help. And if he won't give it, hire some yourself. Find some more palatable (for him) if you like. Hire a mother's help who will clean as well as look after the kids, stress the cleaning side of it at first. Hire a teatime girl, so you're still around in the house. Get a part time nanny so that they are still with you most of the time.

But your DH can only have the nonsense idyll of you caring for them alone if you agree. And you don't. So do something!

[Figgygal]

Based on your last post I cant see him ever changing he obviously has entrenched views on family, parenting, working mothers and they will not change as they are part of his history and personality. You have somehow fallen into the position of a 1950's housewife maybe that is fine for some people but it doesn't seem to be for you.

The comment about putting it up with it as he has given you access to his money, houses and bought your parents a house really concerns me and yes it does make you sound like a kept woman who will put with anything for an easy life.

Definitely get a nanny and maybe look at getting back to your own career outside of his business when you have an opportunity to do so.

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

Seeing as your dh takes notice of articles, find some about the role a decent connected father can play in their children's lives.
Then get him to schedule some time to spend with his children by himself.
He can start by 20 mins a day and more on the weekends.

[DiggersRest]

Minding dc is hard work. I have 2 and tbh l struggle some most days and l have a very hands-on dh. Even saying that, l know that 2 dc is our limit unless we had more money and could use it for outside help

Your dh and his family are being arseholes. You find childcare that you're happy with (sounds like you could afford a nanny and that would be my preferred option to keep the dc in their home) and get back to work.

I know it's hard, they've sucked your confidence. But what do you want from your life?

[newname99]

To be fair your DH could have thought shared childcare was a good idea pre children but the reality was very different.

Yes it worth looking at the positives in your life, lack of money worries is a pleasant position but it also comes at a high cost.I would not want an absent husband.My dad was similar, very admiral and inspiring person who made lots of money but a stranger to us children growing up.My sister genuinely thought he didn't know her name!

He also died young so never had the chance to spend time with his family but he created companies, employed many people and was a good man (but not a family man).

Sometimes the traits that attracted us to our partner are the things we later loathe.So firstly recognise you do have a choice.Make a decision that you want your life to change.Don't assume you can change him as there lies more frustration.

If you really want childcare organise a nanny.I guess your DH has grown up thinking all women are joyful looking after a brood of children, yes for some, no for some women.

If you want childcare and a job and he refuses then make it your line in the sand.A good partner does not make someone do a 'job' they don't like.

Make sure you are not stopping yourself because you fear a discussion over childcare.Tell him you would like to return to work in some capacity and will be hiring childcare, does he have preferences as you want to include him but he does not get to veto the decision.

This is the controlling test, does he refuse to listen to your valid choice which goes against his thinking.Is this his way or no way? That's what you need to determine and ensure you are an equal partner.

My DH would prefer we don't have full-time childcare, fortunately I feel the same but on this issue it has to be a compromise as it's your life he is choosing to make sole decisions on.

PS he may also be the type of person who will relate to children when older.

[CocktailQueen]

Adding to what everyone else has said:

It's nothing to do with his family what YOU choose to do. You decide what YOU want and do that.

If your dh hasn't stepped up yet to do any of the shit work, HE NEVER WILL. He's showing you clearly what he thinks of you and your role.

He can't even be bothered to stay awake for you/spend any time with his dc? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'd be seriously considering my future. Life would be no different as a single parent - you effectively are now.

Also, I wouldn't swan off and leave your h to look after the dc. I wouldn't trust him to look after them properly.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I didn't read it as the OP being a kept woman who will put with anything for an easy life. I thought she was showing that there is a lot of emotional pressure on her to maintain the status quo from her DH, her ILs and her own parents. It's incredibly difficult to make a stance when you are surrounded by people telling you not to and when your parents' home may depend on your acceptance of continuing in your 'assigned role'.

OP can you extend your peer group? Both yourself and your DH need to be mixing with families that have a less rigid 1950s approach to parenting and work. You need people in RL to support your view that childcare is acceptable as is both parents working.

Your DH and PILs seem to be expecting you to be grateful for a life that you never wanted or agreed to. Don't be a martyr to their expectations. Take charge now .

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Find, and print out some articles on the benefits of mothers who work. Print out some articles on how children socialise better if allowed to be cared for by others from an early age. Poke these under his nose. Then hire yourself someone who can 'help you with the children', an au pair or mother's help, because I had three under three and a half and an 'absent' husband, and it was hell. It might look pretty to the outsider, but you simply don't have enough arms, and it only takes one episode of sick and you are struggling.

If he's presented with everything in black and white - that the children will benefit from being cared for by others, how hard it will be to manage three small children, everything written down and verified by others, he might start to take notice. And once it's actually happening and the children are happy and you are happy, he will quickly be on board.

How many children did his mother have, and how close in age?

[givepeasachance]

The assets he has put in your name would be yours anyway seeing as you are married. There are no favours there. There is control though.

You don't have to feel a certain way just because it's expected. Money doesn't buy happiness after all, right?

I too think you can start to go back to work. Indeed I think you have to for your own sanity before you end up rattling with ADs.

So what that your wage will be less, that's really not the point. It's YOUR wage and you have a right to be intellectually challenged and financially independent.

Whatever it is you do, yes you may have a few months of low wages, so what, that's normal and you are prepared for that.

I really feel for you. This would be my worst nightmare too.

[Cabrinha]

Well, if the traditional family is so important to him, he's not going to want a divorce is he?

So he can suck it up that you're getting a nanny and heading back to work when you want to.

two accidental pregnancies though? You must sought out your contraception because you mention Catholic families and you could be posting the same woes after child 4 if you're not careful.

[MissMargie]

Arguments about who does what or who does most are pointless.

What isn't pointless is the fact that you are very unhappy with the status quo.

So you can say I am not happy I want a divorce. You don't have to justify why or even why, in his view, he is a good father/hysband

[MatildaTheCat]

Look at yourself as the managing director of your household. You get to decide what help you need, same as your dh does at work. If you suddenl double or treble the work then it's not a huge surprise that additional labour is required.

So using that knowledge, gain some confidence and just go ahead and get help in. Cleaner, part time nanny, nursery...you chose because you are in charge. If he moans remind him that he put you in charge. I would laugh in his face re getting outside and follow it up by 'great, if you take them out on Saturday that will help you reach that goal.'

Take charge. He truly isn't your boss. And insist on him helping with baths, bedtime etc. It's tragic he's missing all of that and a shame for the DC to miss a real relationship with him.

I bet he will get better once the messy stage is over and become a Boden dad. Don't let him wear you down now or you will always resent it.

[WriteforFun1]

The fact that he blames you for things like food being dumped on the floor sums it up.

I think you need to do two things

One is get a nanny and the other is get a divorce. Being married to a man like this can't be good in any way. You could leave him with the children for a weekend bit if he thinks it's your fault that babies behave like babies, he will simply blame you for the inevitable horrible time he has.

[Naicecuppatea]

Do you want to bring your children up in a family where they watch and learn that their father is a stranger to them, their father does nothing to help their mother, and as a result their mother feels frustrated and upset? They will grow up thinking this is normal and it is completely against a modern, cohesive family unit. I don't think he will change, and I am afraid I would be leaving as he brings barely more than nothing to the family and relationship.

[raisedbyguineapigs]

Catholic family or not, after this baby, sort out proper (not rhythm method) contraception soon after the birth, with or without his consent. You will be trapped in a life you hate otherwise for years to come. Childcare when the children are in school can still be difficult. I bet he'll turn out to have a problem with the children going to after school clubs or holiday clubs too when the time came.

[ButtonsAndBows]

Hmm do you actually never get to go out alone ?

I can kinda see his side - he works 8am-1am, is the "breadwinner" and op is a stay at home mum , a luxury in a way. My husband chips in (sole earner, I'm a student) but it's all basically down to me and I would never dream to ask him to do 60% housework if I was a stay at home mum .

If he literally will not care for them in any circumstance that's one thing, but him working so much whilst you care for the kids is .... kinda normal dynamics ? You don't even have a school run to do yet ....

I say all this as a mum of 3 young DC and one on the way ... I kinda can't see the issue unless it's what I stated above - literally never going out alone etc

[Hillfarmer]

Apart from the control issues - of which there are many - this man has virtually nothing to do with his children. This must be heartbreaking for the OP. Amazingly, he seems not to think this is odd/unfeeling/unusual? Well it bloody well is. Is he made of stone? He's a git. Obviously it is horrible for the OP, but the children are being deprived and potentially damaged by living with a resident non-parent.

Also OP, he thinks you are inferior to him and on some level you believe him. Which is a worry. He has worn you down. I second getting the Lundy Bancroft book, which will open your eyes. He has groomed you into believing stupid stuff - no wonder your self-esteem and confidence re: work, is really low. And he has family out of the Dark Ages that gang up on you. Gawd help us. Do you have friends or family who can see how awful this situation is for you? People who can defend you and keep telling you it's neither right nor normal?

The assets he has put in your name would be yours anyway seeing as you are married. There are no favours there. Absolutely right givepeasachance. That's the first thing I thought about when I read your OP, it doesn't matter what assets are in whose name - he's not giving you anything. All this stuff and property is half yours anyway because you are married. You have rights. I really think you should read up on what your rights are. I think he has completely eroded your ability to speak up and you seem to have no idea of what you are entitled to.

I am not criticising at all OP, I just think he has totally done a number on you and all your moral compass settings about what is acceptable and not acceptable are all over the place. You are being treated very badly - with the pretence that he treats you well. He does not! He is a controlling git from the Stone Age. Just because you've been drawn into his loony Victorian world so far, does not mean that you can't get out of it. Have you thought of using some of your money to go and see a counsellor to talk about this? I think you could do with someone else to talk to about how he has cut you off at every turn and stifled you since you became a mother. I don't think you're going mad, but really don't underestimate the support that you need. Gather support around you and get some professional help. If counselling/psychotherapy seems offputting, just go and have a chat with your GP. You can find childcare - that also seems hard, but there are loads of trustworthy people who you can pay.

The good thing is that you have got money. Use it. Good idea to ask yourself why you have to hide what you spend your money on. If you are afraid to tell the truth to your DH, that tells you volumes about the power dynamic in the relationship. I've been there. It's very hard to explain the feeling of powerlessness and anxiety and fear when you are married to a controlling man - you may find it hard to even articulate what it is he does... but believe me, it is real and you are in it. Well done for posting on here. You will get lots of support.