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DH does no childcare. Nothing. Please help me see clearly.

106 replies

blistersclots · 03/05/2016 23:36

DH and I have been married 5 years. We both worked for ourselves and we agreed that when we had DC that we did not know what it would be like and would both contribute towards childcare and “see how things turned out.”

When we got married, DH already owned two properties, and when we had much anticipated DD 2.5 years ago, DH transferred half of both properties into my name and created a joint bank account and made me a Director of his company, giving me access to the company’s profits and his salary (this seems relevant, to me at least, as I mention later.)

When DD arrived and I was BF-ing on demand, it naturally transpired that I gave up half of my work and DH’s business took off. What also transpired was that DH just did not/could not look after DD by himself. Since the day she was born, he has not changed nappies, dressed her, played with her, fed her, bathed her, got her up, put her to bed, put her in the car, lifted or held her for more than 1 minute, or made her a drink by himself.

For the first few months after DD was born, I thought it was shock/lack of experience that led to him doing nothing, and then we somehow got into a habit where I did absolutely everything anyway and no longer left her with him, even though he had the free time and opportunity to take her. I worked my part time hours during DD’s naps and after she went to bed, but it just didn’t work because clients needed me on the end of the phone during normal working hours and not at night, so I stopped work.

When DD was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and my next natural strategy was to try to get some childcare, with the end hope of maybe managing to work a bit again. We spoke to a few nannies and nurseries, but DH came up with excuses and problems with everyone we interviewed and every nursery we visited. He eventually revealed that he felt strongly that nothing was better for DC than being solely with their own mother until they go to school, a view he had not previously come out with. Childcare plans were abandoned, I had DS and gave up my days to BF-ing newborn again and taking care of toddler DD. The pattern was already established that I did everything with one DC, so it continued into two DC.

DH’s average weekday is from 8am-1am, pushing his business, entertaining clients in the evenings, and travelling, and I am with DD and DS all day. Aside from sleep problems and illness (of which the DCs have had many) I usually put them to bed and sit alone in the evenings. When DH has time off he is “exhausted” and wants to stay in bed or lie on the sofa and watch TV.

I have brought this issue up with him many times and I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but he genuinely does not think he is an unavailable father. He absolutely and truly believes that he is a perfect father because he “provides” for them. He can be affectionate – he likes to kiss and hug them, but this lasts for maybe a few seconds a day, and because they are just not used to him being around, they often cry and flinch when he does it because he goes from not interacting with them at all, to being all over them.

I can cite so many outstandingly unfair examples from the last 2.5 years of when he has left me completely unable to cope, but he has two excuses which he uses interchangeably 1. The situation where he did not do anything was an exception and it was because he was more exhausted than me or ill And 2. That he is carrying the burden of our family finances, and I am oblivious to the kind of stress he is under building his business “for us”, now that I no longer work.

I feel he is a hypocrite and has put me in an impossible situation by saying work stress is the reason he does not do more, but not allowing that stress to be reduced by letting me work to ease the burden. The answer I get when I tell friends/family about this is “surely you knew he was like this going in?” Apparently this is because he is a renowned workaholic and anyone could have guessed he would never look after DCs and they assumed I was also the traditional sort who wanted to stay at home and dedicate my life to children and have DH go to work. No. That’s not what we agreed.

A further development is that I am now pregnant again with DC3 and I have a huge sense of dread at having DH who will not back me up, a toddler, a baby and a newborn to care for by myself and never being able to have a break because of DH's hatred of any childcare except for mine. I have communicated this dread to him very clearly and we have argued about it. He has made one change and it is that he now does 60% of the housework, which has made things slightly better but still does not address the fundamental problem, which is that I am bringing the DCs up alone.

I have lost some respect for him because I feel so damn hurt that he cannot see or does not care that I am unhappy and in a situation I didn’t sign up to.
Even worse is that he dips in and out with complaints and niggly details which show how far removed he is from what a life with DC is like. He doesn’t like how DD throws her food on the floor and could I please try to stop her doing it, as it gets on the carpet? He doesn't like how DS screams, could I please try and stop him? He read an article today which says that children should be outside for 30% of the day. How much time do I give our DC outside? Could I time it next time and make sure that I am giving them the required amount?

As I have access to all his company funds and our bank account, I can use the money as I wish. I have paid for childcare in secret from this bank account when I really needed it by withdrawing cash and pretending it went on something else - but I don’t want to have to do it in secret!

He knows and I know (and we have acknowledged, indirectly, to each other during a crisis point) that I could leave tomorrow and take half of everything, and give him 50% custody of the DCs, meaning he would have to step up. Even after this conversation and acknowledgement of what would happen if we split, he has continued to share all assets with me (he bought another house for my parents and put it solely in my name) – so it doesn’t make logical sense to me that he is putting me in this situation because he is a complete bastard twunt, if you see what I mean? It just makes me feel that he is so signed up to this ideal of him being the perfect provider and me being the perfect mother that he cannot shift his perspective at all.

Everyone has told me that it gets easier once the DCs go to school, because then you at least have some free time to yourself. But it is frustrating knowing that we can afford some childcare NOW but he is so against it. Also, no nanny wants to work last minute, in secret. So on the rare occasions when I am at my wit’s end and DH is safely off at work and not returning until late, it is only random, interchangeable agency babysitters who can come round and watch the DC when I have terrible morning sickness - not more permanent figures in the DC’s lives who they can become familiar with.

Is there something I’m missing here? Is there a logic or a solution I am not seeing? Is this just what it is like for some people? That some Hs that you think would be great Dads just pull total shockers and do absolutely nothing?

If I can put the resentment and sense of unfairness aside, our marriage is fine. We still laugh, we still have sex, we still do kind little loving things for each other. IF - and it's a big if - I can put the resentment aside. But it is becoming increasingly hard. He will go out of his way for me, but only in ways that have nothing to do with the DC, which is the only way I really want to be helped right now.

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BeautifulMaudOHara · 04/05/2016 14:50

Have only read your OP but omg, LTB, really. He sounds awful.