Male on mumsnet but I need your help!

[Teacherspud89]

Evening - advice and suggestions welcome 😀

I have been married to my wife for 2 1/2 years and I love her to pieces. 6 months ago my wife gave birth to my first beautiful daughter who I am very proud of. My wife already has 2 children (11yr old girl and 3yr boy) from a different relationship but their dad decided not to have any contact with them. I have been supporting my wife and the children since the start of our relationship. I treat the two children as I would my own and they call me dad.

I am a working dad (teacher) so I lead a very busy life whilst my wife stays at home being mum. I would say that I am a good husband and father as I am the sole provider, I regularly clean the house, cook all meals, clean up, hoovering, washing, ironing, being taxi man whilst balancing my job!

My problem is - I do not feel as if I'm valued within my household and feel neglected by my wife. I know during the daytime she looks after the younger children but I'm currently working part time so she's only on her own for 3 hours each day!

Whenever I want to be close with my wife or intimate she ALWAYS turns me away. I ask her why but she cannot provide me with a reason and I've tried on numerous occasions to sit and talk about it.

This has been going on for nearly a year now and she doesn't understand or realise how it makes me feel. Again I have told her this but it has no affect on her.

What can I do?

Thanks

[Offred]

Good posts cabrinha.

As for different posts to men and women well when was the last time a man was pregnant, labouring and breastfeeding? Of course that changes the responses....

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It's pretty common to feel touched out by the wants and needs of our infants all day long. Do you get a sense of her telling you, Don't crowd me ? She may wonder where her own identity aside from Mother and Wife went. Family life is a balancing act and perhaps having the baby has brought back all kinds of memories of her ex.

Your stepchildren have had to accept you in their lives and now another competitor for their mum's attention in the form of a new sibling. Many families would find there's an awkward phase post-baby even without prior history of an ex-partner and father who vanished.

I was once advised by someone if we want more, paradoxically we should start by giving more. Presumably you feel you provide a stable home and do your best. What drew you to her initially?

I might be alone in this but I would find only three hours apart five days a week quite suffocating!

Of course your family should be your number one priority, just not to the exclusion of everything else. Is your wife isolated socially? I appreciate you devote time to your teaching but do you have outside interests? Other friends? Anything fresh to talk about?

Sorry, trying to understand what you mean by 'unappreciated', or how drastically things changed from the early days.

[rosyleigh]

My wife doesn't have to do much work around the house you maybe don't notice what she does - she has a 6 month baby and other DC's to deal with, and you work part time. You should take on board as much as you can and not feel like you deserve a medal for it so she can rest and see to the baby and children, and not nag her for sex.

[KindDogsTail]

It must be difficult for you OP but don't take it personally. The year you mention includes six months of pregnancy and six months of a new born baby. Lack of sleep. Breast feeding? Two other children. A rather overwhelming life.

It is very difficult for a woman to go from zero emotional intimacy to sexual intimacy. It is also difficult if she feels worn out and 'ugly' which she may having only just given birth six months ago. Is she breast feeding too?

Your wife is probably very tired and might feel mentally drained too. She may feel she hardly exists as a person in her own right. She might feel she looks ugly. Or feel covered in milk and dirty nappies.

Are you trying to initiate sex out of the blue?

Has she had any time to do something for herself so she feels as though she exists as a person in her own right? Or, been able to have her hair done or get some pretty clothes etc?

Then, have you done anything alone with her regularly like go out together to re -establish an emotional and personal connections that are not sexual? Do you give her hugs and kisses that are not intended to turn into sex?

You don't now what it feels like to never get a non sexual hug for the rest of your life as a woman once you have grown up.

[Lweji]

I do think you need to come back to the thread at some point and explain everything in more detail.
So far, most pps can only speculate, so not much help for you.

[Summerlovinf]

He's already said several times it's not about sex.

[blueberrypie0112]

Even my 11 years old was being difficult after he found out he is getting a sister (he was an only child)

Tween and life change is rarely a good mix. Tweens are stuck between childhood and becoming a teenager. It isn't an easy adjustment itself, and then have a life change on top of that like a new baby

[KindDogsTail]

Yes, I made that mistake. I thought 'intimacy' was referring to sex. Sorry, OP.

Often it is a polite way of saying 'sex'.

Now, I don't know what you mean by intimacy. If it means not talking to each other and spending time together then I would wonder if you have some time to be alone together under the circumstances?

[blueberrypie0112]

I still think she may suffer post partum depression. Because she could explain how she feels to him and why she does what she does to him instead of him looking for answer here. But all she seem to do is shutting him out

[Valentine2]

Having three DCs during 2.5 years of marriage is waaaaY too fast. sorry you are going through this. I think I would start with dividing the household work fairly first so you don't feel too much pressure. It's great you are not that worried about sex just yet. I think going back to work full time could also be considered in the plan at some point because you are the sole earner right now. Doing all this will help you feel less under less pressure of work and that will be helpful. Is there a chance she is suffering from PND? May be I missed some of the posts in the middle but just hang in there. It's a very hard time for any relationship. Three DCs within 2.5 years of marriage.

[Cabrinha]

I just re-read your posts OP and especially your comment "all I want is a hug and kiss".
I recommend again that you google "five love languages" and see if you can get your wife to do the online test and compare what you find.

My fiancé and I are both ridiculously dominant in physical affection as an expression of love. So far so good.

What we did find though is that I am a massive gift giver (the test makes the point that this isn't mercenary, it's just a way to express love, and I'm always buying things for him) and it isn't something that makes him feel loved.

This week by surprise I bought him a spare battery for his camera (on hols he said he'd want one for next hols) and 4 side plates for his dinner service as he mentioned that he would have to use mismatched plates for a dinner this weekend. I have had boyfriends in the past comment that they can't even think about wanting something near me before Amazon prime dumps it on their doorstep 😂

My point is, we are OK because we share the physical affection way of showing love, and because we've talked about the gift giving.

If the main way I showed love was surprise plates, then he wouldn't feel loved but I would feel frustrated because I would think I was showing love all the time.

You may think that doing all the cooking is showing love. And it may well be, for you. And it should definitely be appreciated. But don't assume that your partner sees it as love.

We really enjoyed talking through the quiz, and it did throw up some surprises.

[liletsthepink]

There's so much that you haven't explained, OP.

You may not want to or be able to answer this, but why was there an 8 year gap between the older two children? Are they from the same relationship or were there difficulties conceiving the second child? Your 11 year old DD spent 8 years as an only child which was a long time.

Is your baby the type that sleeps and is contented between feeds or is she a Velcro baby who needs to be held all the time? Was her birth relatively simple or was she born by c-section etc? All these things make a huge difference to how your wife will be feeling!

Have you been married or lived with a long term partner with or without children before, OP?

[Lweji]

The oldest two are from a previous relationship. The dad is not in the picture. It's explained in the OP.

[AyeAmarok]

Green I just don't couldn't quite correlate working really hard with the fact that the lazy wife is only on her own for 3 hours because he's there.

Didn't think the story quite added up.

Still don't really understand how you went from the 3 year old being born to your wife's partner (now ex) and you being in the middle east, to 6 months later being married and having moved back to the UK to be with your wife and you supporting her and the children of her previous partner, and them calling you dad, when you only knew them a matter of months.

All just seems very quick. Maybe that's part of the problem, you just weren't compatible and you didn't give it long enough to find out before you got married.

[SteffiMuse]

A romantic meal when the children are in bed? Some candles? A massage? Tell her how much you love her. Do something different to the normal day. Maybe get a sitter and take her out. Run her a bath whilst you're cooking a romantic meal for two. Tell her you're not pushing for sex and just hold her. Order some flowers to be delivered while you're at work with a cheesy card insert saying she is the world to you.
Lots of luck :)))))

[ForFear]

Teacherspud - you are not going o get a fair hearing on here because you are a man. If you were a woman who had a husband who did little housework and had withdrawn from sex for a year you would get a far different response.

Basically you only need to consider three things.

First up, anyone either man or woman is allowed to refuse sex for any reason any attempt by anyone to force or cajole them into sex is not acceptable. Your DW therefore is making that choice and you cannot and must not do anything to force her to change her mind.

Second you and your DW need to talk and aim to discover the reasons and solutions to your current situation not just sex but all the other issues.

Third, you have to decide how long you are prepared to put up with the situation and if your DW cannot or will not address the issues you may decide when to leave the relationship.

Personally, I think you should go back to your well paid Middle East job and give your DW six months on her own to decide without pressure what she wants.

[Cabrinha]

Interesting advice!

1. Miss out on his own baby for 7 months
   
2. Leave his wife to manage 3 kids alone
   
3. Ditch an 11yo to whom he now has a responsibility who is already possibly acting out
   
4. Ditch another child who has only ever known him as a father
   
5. Not actually DO anything to fix the problem
   

I don't agree with any of that!

[Offred]

If you were a woman who had a husband who did little housework and had withdrawn from sex for a year you would get a far different response.

Yes, of course because there is no way the husband in that scenario would have been pregnant and birthed 3 children, nor would he have given birth just 6 months ago, nor would he be breastfeeding...



Don't be dense....

[Jan45]

Lack of interest means just that, she pretty much is ignoring him - not nice and not acceptable, baby or no baby.

If, as the OP says this is not about sex but about not feeling wanted or valued then I wish people would respond to that complaint and yes, stop making threads started by men about sex - it's like the sex band waggon has exploded, poor guy!

OP, if you have tried and tried talking to her to no avail, why not try a letter expressing your feelings that way?

[Offred]

It's based on his first post about wanting to be close or intimate and being pushed away.

I think if he meant that he felt she was not interested in him as a person anymore he would have just said that TBH.

He came back later and said that she didn't show an interest but what does that mean?

[bialystockandbloom]

Bloody hell some of the responses here are so spiteful and goady

There have been threads regularly for the nine years I've been on MN from women saying their OHs seem uninterested/unaffectionate etc. The usual response to that would be that the OH is a selfish bastard, must have an OW, takes the woman for granted etc. Yet a man comes here with the same problem and is picked apart.

OP shouldn't have to justify how much housework etc he does. Amount of housework shouldn't = amount of sex offered.

Anyway - OP you say you've tried talking to her, but does she realise how much you feel pushed away? What's her response been?

The only other thought that occurs to me is maybe she's not really happy being SAHM - it can be boring and filled with repetitive drudge, which can have an effect on how lively you feel (or not). Does she have plans to go back to work?

[Offred]

OP shouldn't have to justify how much housework etc he does. Amount of housework shouldn't = amount of sex offered.

It's the op's first post that appeared to make that point.

As I've already said no man will have birthed three babies, one only 6 months ago, nor will he be breastfeeding a baby so of course the responses are going to be different but it's really crap to keep banging on about 'on other threads'... Self perpetuating myth...

[Lweji]

Yet a man comes here with the same problem and is picked apart.

Not exactly.
I've been on threads where the male op offers a good explanation of the problem and is less focused on sex and the replies are as for women.
OPs more similar to this thread go less well.

[DrMorbius]

You do realise the Op has long since headed for the hills?
I wonder if all the warm support he received had anything to do with it.

[EponasWildDaughter]

General relationship advice and questions asked on a forum are never going to be the same for a man as for a woman when there's a new baby in the mix.

As has been pointed out, men just don't have the same physical and mental issues post birth of a new baby and are often coming at the situation from opposing view points. Why would the value of any advice for a man be measured by how similar it would be for a women?

It's much more common to see a man posting about lack of intimacy after children have come into the relationship than a women. Without 20 paragraphs about the finer details of exactly whats going on day to day in a relationship people can only give advice based on known stereotypical situations. Sadly the man seeking more physical intimacy and feeling sidelined (in the new baby scenario) IS a common problem. That's why posters are jumping to that conclusion.