Male on mumsnet but I need your help!

[Teacherspud89]

Evening - advice and suggestions welcome 😀

I have been married to my wife for 2 1/2 years and I love her to pieces. 6 months ago my wife gave birth to my first beautiful daughter who I am very proud of. My wife already has 2 children (11yr old girl and 3yr boy) from a different relationship but their dad decided not to have any contact with them. I have been supporting my wife and the children since the start of our relationship. I treat the two children as I would my own and they call me dad.

I am a working dad (teacher) so I lead a very busy life whilst my wife stays at home being mum. I would say that I am a good husband and father as I am the sole provider, I regularly clean the house, cook all meals, clean up, hoovering, washing, ironing, being taxi man whilst balancing my job!

My problem is - I do not feel as if I'm valued within my household and feel neglected by my wife. I know during the daytime she looks after the younger children but I'm currently working part time so she's only on her own for 3 hours each day!

Whenever I want to be close with my wife or intimate she ALWAYS turns me away. I ask her why but she cannot provide me with a reason and I've tried on numerous occasions to sit and talk about it.

This has been going on for nearly a year now and she doesn't understand or realise how it makes me feel. Again I have told her this but it has no affect on her.

What can I do?

Thanks

[merrymouse]

OP, I think this is a problem that can't easily be solved on an Internet forum.

It isn't wrong to want to feel appreciated and supported in a relationship. However, there is a bigger picture here.

Many families operate in survival mode when there is a new baby. However you are also coping with a blended family and probably, given the speed of your relationship, fall out from your wife's previous relationship.

[Offred]

It's why he feels unappreciated and the fact that his workload is much less than most normal people.

He feels unappreciated because of the lack of physical affection/sex. That is really just another way of saying 'if I do the washing you owe me sex/physical affection'. It is a transactional attitude to physical intimacy which is a relationship killer and usually a sign of insecurity - self esteem being dependent on your partner.

[blueberrypie0112]

It's great that you help her and take some responsibilities around the house and kids, but you should really separate this from your sex life. Don't treat her that she is only good for sex and nothing else (not attractive at all).if you think you should be awarded with sex, then maybe I should tell my husand no sex until he take out the trash and now the yard (trying to make a point here)

If you truly feel she need to pitch in to lessen some stress , talk to her.

[Summerlovinf]

'OP appears to think that he's doing something amazing, when actually he's doing much less than most women in the UK world do with minimal thanks - yanno, all those women who work full time and run a house'

OP's wife isn't one of these women you're talking about though is she?

[merrymouse]

offred, you can only go by what he posted and he said he wasn't asking for sex.

There are so many different things going on here and I don't think it's just a case of being miffed at lack of sex. However, without hearing the wife's side of the story I don't think it's possible for any of us to understand her point of view. I assume that is why the OP is posting on MN - to try to understand her perspective (and perhaps change it, but we certainly can't do that!)

[blueberrypie0112]

Your wife is probably breastfeeding and holding the baby a lot (and three years old need a lot of comforting too). When I hold the kids so many times a day, I go into a physical touching shutdown. It is not easy to being in to mood when I want to take a breath.

[confusionoftheillusion]

Wow OP - the mumsnet vipers are out to get you on this thread!

Sorry that you have had so many unnecessarily rude comments.

How about doing some more things just for yor wife. Eg. Can you walk the baby in between feeds so she can have a nap? Bring her flowers home one day? Can you have a meal when all the kids are in bed and then tell her how much you appreciate her - perhaps she will follow suit.

Even with a 6mth old and 3 y/o I would expect each partner to be doing 50% of the household jobs. Maybe you could talk about how you split things fairly - eg. If she likes cooking maybe you could watch the kids while she cooks etc.

I know people go off sex after childbirth and leaky boobs and tiredness killed my libido but I still think it's important to show eachother affection and intimacy.

OP - keep chatting, amongst all the judgey pants here there are some people who will try and give you sound advice

[WellErrr]

OP's wife isn't one of these women you're talking about though is she?

With a breastfed baby? No, she's not working full time and being responsible for the entire running of the house.
Do you think she should be?

[blueskyinmarch]

OP - you are never going to get a fair and balanced view on here. Why? Because you are a male who doesn’t work full time and who would like a warm and balanced relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting these things and asking for advice. If you were a female people would be falling over themselves to help you. But sadly, although many on here call themselves feminist and want equal rights for women they won’t ever respond to male poster the same way they would a female.

I agree with what some people have suggested - start trying to talk to your DW - keep the communication channels open. She may also be feeling low and can’t find a way to express how she feels. The early days of having a baby can be overwhelming and your DSD may also be feeling pushed out by the new baby.

[WellErrr]

But sadly, although many on here call themselves feminist and want equal rights for women they won’t ever respond to male poster the same way they would a female.

The equivalent post here for a woman would be along the lines of -

'My DH has had some penis surgery lately and is taking medication which suppresses his libido. He still looks after the children day and night, and I work 3 hours a day and do most of the housework. Despite me doing all this, he won't have sex with me and doesn't appreciate me. Wtf is his problem?'

And it would get the exact same short shrift from me.

[blueberrypie0112]

"This has been going on for nearly a year now and she doesn't understand or realise how it makes me feel. Again I have told her this but it has no affect on her"

Started when she was pregnant, I wouldn't hold it against her. No one say having a family will be easy but hopefully you two can work it out.

It seem that she does have problem expressing herself to you. Is she suffering post partum depression?

[BoatyMcBoat]

"You can expect to be a zombie for 18 months after your baby is born. Then you'll want another..." This was advice given to me, and I found it to be absolutely true.

[merrymouse]

The OP's wife had a baby 3-4 years ago when she had a 7 year old child.

At some point before or after the birth her partner left and is no longer in contact with their children. 6 months later she had met and married/was living with somebody else. A year later she was pregnant.

Her 11 year old daughter now calls her step father dad, but apparently their relationship is difficult.

There are more issues here than can be covered by talking generally about having a baby and loss of libido.

OP I think you will get more out of talking to your wife than posting here. However, if it is clear that this isn't just a temporary bump you may need extra real life help.

[Sunshine87]

Having a 3year old and baby is a challenge in itself and the fact she is breastfeeding. I'm struggling to continue my housework as my DS is constantly want feeding every 2 hours during the day and seems very colicky on top of a 2 and had year old. It could be she has PND and explains her feelings of deattachment to you and the situation with your DSD being abusive.

You have moved extremely quickly and got married. She already had an older child and a baby to her ex and your on the scene and now DD and baby have a new dad and another baby on the way. I can see why your DSD is resentful maybe she doesn't want to call your dad and misses her own dad? She doesn't understand her own place within the family. There are a lot of factors that could explain her behaviour. Was the baby planned or a surprise?

I didn't want sex much during my pregnancy, me and my DH joked about as I'm normally up for it but with my head down the loo throwing up or from exhaustion and severe psd and additional children to see to it wasn't on my list of priorities.

Childbirth can be very traumatic. Some woman can take along time to recover. Also tending to a newborn and other children is very tiring therefore she maybe not interested again.

You only work 3 hours the average working hours for men or women can be 8-12. It's really not that taxing, you will be home before you know it. I know as I worked 5 hours a day and the shift was over before I knew it.

With the minimal hours you do why should you not be doing housework? Because your male it should it be the woman's role? Who do you think is caring for the baby and children when you cooking or cleaning the fairies? I think you been really hard on your wife. I do think it's sex and not a kiss or hug otherwise why not meantion a kiss or hug in the first place? You seemed to backtrack when everyone stated about why she may not want sex.

Back of and try to be romantic bring her flowers chocolates and show how she's valued you in that way. Maybe see if you can get a baby sitter and have a night together or alternatively you baby sit and allow her to go out with her friends for the evening. You can have a loving caring relationship without it always being physical. Maybe for you it would be better to increase your working hours and for you to spent time with friends so you have a life separate from the family. I do think it's important to have some down time away from the family more for some sanity.

[springydaffs]

Vile responses on this thread. Poor show MN.

Op, there could be many reasons why your wife is unresponsive to you. I read from your OP that you were highlighting the lack of closeness and physical affection. I didn't read that you were complaining about the lack of sex - posters have jumped to that conclusion (as well as talking about you in the third person).

Perhaps you fear she may be using you to look after her and her kids?

I'm sorry she's unresponsive and won't talk to you. Very painful for you.

[Cabrinha]

I disagree about bringing chocolates and flowers - albeit on the scant information given!

If this couple are stuck in a dynamic now where she thinks she's being constantly pestered for sex (I'm not accusing OP, I'm taking about perception) then flowers and chocolates looks like a stereotypical thought free cheap and easy way to... get sex!

They need to talk so that the wife does not also think that.

However, it's quite possible that the wife is a nasty bit of work who just latched onto a willing stepfather.
Or that she chose the wrong man because he was nice and her boundaries were fucked - a man who disappears on his kids is unlikely to have been a good partner previously!

I feel for the 11yo who has lost a father and gained a stepfather and a new sibling quickly.

OP, I think you'd find it useful to post about that issue in the Step Parenting section here.

I actually think it's useful for the OP to see a lot of people assuming that he is focusing on sex. Because even if that is wrong, it shows how likely it is that his wife could be interpreting his behaviour that way.

OP, you need to focus on the issues that aren't related to sex first.
Not being united parents to the older girl, feeling that you do more housework, feeling unappreciated, the lack of intimacy - but you need to be explicit if you don't mean sex.

If she won't talk to you, it needs to be ultimatum time - couples counselling.

But what was she like before? What the balance of domestic jobs? How physically affectionate were you?

That's what would help me decide whether this was a new baby dip (very common) or more fundamental.

[Bukkakeccino]

Ooh big mistake making it clear you're a man op, unfortunately you'll be given a lot less helpful advice and 10x more abuse than most other posters on this board because you're a bloke.

Op I'd reccomend name changing and then coming back in a week or two's time with a new thread but pretending to be a woman complaining of the exact same problems. I made the exact same mistake as you in my first thread or two by making it clear I was a man - and was getting a lot of responses desperately trying to find fault with me and pick holes in my posts.

So i decided to change my name to something that would make one presume I am female and started threads about the exact same issues in my relationship but instead of complaining about my 'dw' I complained about my 'dh'. Suddenly I was unanimously getting supportive messages and helpful advice saying how emotionally abusive my 'dh' was and to ltb.

You'll get a lot more helpful responses on this forum if you're thought to be a woman 99 times out of 100 - test it out if you don't believe me

[Teacherspud89]

I think people are missing my point or getting my point?

Most people seem to be attacking my thoughts and aiming it all about sex? That's not want my point is??
I knew that that would be the case and I'm not arguing that.

It's the lack of interest as me as a person- not sexual. Yes having sex with my wife is amazing.


Going back to other post: I am a classroom teacher with a group of children who have specific needs. I work everyday up to 12:30 which includes the planning and marking that goes along with the job. Not just walking in and out of the school. I am often up late working after all the children are asleep in bed.
Yea I am a teacher but I have dylexia so I struggle with spelling.

My wife hasn't worked for the past 3 years since our middle child was born.

I was living abroad in the Middle East living a comfortable life but gave that up to be with my wife.

Thanks for those who have shown support rather than attacking!

[daydreamnation]

Jeez, here we go again. Man complains that he misses being intimate with his dp and generally feels unvalued and yet despite working, cooking the meals, cleaning, driving the older dc around he still gets a pasting. Ffs I gave birth, breastfed and had pnd but you know, I just kind of got on with it and generally appreciated how dh and I muddled along both pitching in.
As others have said op, run run, this thread will not end well, sorry

[daydreamnation]

Really boaty? Wow, what a depressing statement. Even with pnd I would never have described myself as a zombie (or any of my friends with babies!) Tired yes but I always made the effort to spend time with dh and enjoyed life with my dh, baby and extended friends and family.
My own dm basically told me the best way to tackle tiredness was to get up, showered and out of the house. It worked and I felt blessed that I didn't have to cope with tiredness while working, breastfeeding etc Many many do

[Lweji]

I haven't read most of the replies, but I think I'd need more info.

Do you never talk, or cuddle or don't give each other a kiss in the morning or leaving home/getting home?
Do you approach her just for a kiss?

How do you parent together? Do you ever talk or agree on a common strategy to address your children's behaviour? How do you address the abuse by the eldest? Do you parent him? Or feel like a step parent? Do you feel comfortable disciplining him and dealing with him by yourself? Do you expect your wife to intervene, or does she actively undermine you?
Personally, with my son, I wouldn't expect anyone to support me in getting him to respect me or to have a good relationship with him. It's between him and me. It would be different if the other person intervened to spoil the relationship, though.

Have you tried to talk to her about these issues? Have you suggested counselling if talking is difficult?

[DownstairsMixUp]

I don't think you should mention anything to your wife yet. It sounds like you got together really quickly and everything just progressed so fast and once you have a baby you really get to see the "real" side of someone (exactly why i l left it four years before having a baby with my DH) the tiredness and exhaustion really bring out a different personality I have found with both my children. Not everything is all roses and skipping through corn fields holding hands! How are you in general? If you pluck in with night feeds etc to maybe you are snippy and grouchy in the day to. On the other hand, if your wife is Bfing and doing all of this it's no wonder she isn't in the mood. Sorry op I understand very much that it is frustrating but your just going to have to ride it out. Time is all that will solve this and being supportive, loving and helping out as much as possible with the children.

[Cabrinha]

But you're not giving anything for people to base more detailed and hopefully helpful replies on, OP.

What does lack of interest mean?

Does it mean that she used to chat about the kids in your class and your work day with you, and now she doesn't?

If she didn't ever - you might be with the wrong person.
If she used to - maybe she's too tired.

You haven't said if her behaviour has changed. You haven't said if there has always been an imbalance from your point of view on domestic jobs. You haven't said if you have told her you want counselling together. You haven't said anything more about the issues with her eldest child. You will get a wealth of amazing advice on that if you post in Step Parenting.

[BertPuttocks]

It's not all that surprising that the 11yr-old is acting up. It's already a difficult age with the physical changes and hormones going haywire. My usually lovely 10yr-old currently veers from toddler to teenager (and back again!) in seconds few.

Your DD has been through a lot in recent years. She has had to deal with her father no longer wanting anything to do with her, and may well be trying to rationalise that by either blaming herself or the adults around her. She may well also have still been trying to get used to the reality of a brand new baby brother when her parents split up. It may help if she has someone outside of the family to talk to, either at school or a professional counsellor.

Then along came her mum's new boyfriend and the subsequent wedding. Calling someone else "Dad" (even if her own choice to do so) may well have also thrown up a few new emotions for her. Then along came another new baby.

It would probably be more surprising if she didn''t have any issues. A neutral person to talk to may give her a better outlet for her thoughts and feelings than taking it all out on you.

[Cabrinha]

I know a lot of responses - including mine - have honed in on sex (or lack thereof).

But in your OP the issue you raised was her turning you away when you wanted to be "close or intimate". And that she "neglects" you.

Yes, closeness and intimacy are about more than just sex. But I think you can see why people focused on sex, from your words.

You need to be clear what is missing, for people to share their experiences that might help you.

e.g. If the issue is no sex, but all of your marriage was fine before, you're going to get helpful replies from people first hand about how much a libido can just disappear. Read any book you like, do you know how pressured and pestered it can feel when you absolutely have no desire for sex? It's really horrible! We can help you understand that and stay strong. And also share our experience that "I miss cuddles" can so easily be taken to mean "where is my sex?"

But if your issue is that your wife doesn't ask about you or spend time with you, you'll get other responses.

It's a strange situation that you have been supporting her and her children since what sounds like the moment you knew her. Honestly, it does sound like you could have walked into a situation where you're being used. I hope not.