Has anyone tried again successfully with a previously EA relationship?

[lovelilies]

Split up with DP in November after final 'nail in the coffin' argument/ holiday from hell.

He's been EA in the past, drinking too much and being verbally abusive, to me and my DD (now 10) from a prev relationship.

He's seeing a counsellor for his anger issues, ditched his poisonous parents and brother, and is doing a lot to help me out with new house, great dad to our DS, making real effort with DD.

I'm very confused. When I bought my new house without him, I was fully prepared to be alone, and was quite happy with that. I like being financially independent, and having my 'own' space.

But when I'm with him, when he's helping out with sorting garden, at hand over time for DS etc I feel like we could still be the happy family I once hoped for us. The whole relationship wasn't hell by any means, we had (have) a lot of laughs and genuinely love each other (I feel).

He wants us back together.
DD enjoys spending time with him, their relationship is better than ever. He's read a lot of parenting stuff and is finally seeing where I'm coming from with my parenting style...

What I'm asking is, is there any chance we could have a happy relationship/ family?
Has anyone achieved this?

Sorry for the ramble.. I just need some perspective

[Cocoabutton]

Oh, sweetie - he is not giving you a chance to know your arse from your elbow, though. If he has changed, loves you etc, he can wait till you work out what you want, surely.

[Chchchchange]

Abusive behaviour is very very hard to change. Almost impossible, sadly.
I left my ea partner a few months before you. He badgered me constantly trying to say he'd changed but kept putting off getting counselling. Swore blind he'd had a massive realisation about his behaviour, said all the right things (except when he didn't and it was as plain as day he was still the old him underneath). I absolutely knew I couldn't get back together and believe me, we'd had many wonderful moments and we're hugely in love.
Mostly I realised that even if he successfully changed, I was always going to look at him and see him swearing at me, shouting, being suspicious and minimising everything he'd done. The damage was done

They can't usually keep the act up for long so you're just going to risk getting sucked in if you keep up the contact. He needs to keep his distance other than with contact with the kids.

I'm really sorry for you because it is sad but you'll be much better off without him.

[Lweji]

It means he probably picked up some ideas from the counsellor and is using them on you. It's not necessarily what he thinks.

But he even be convinced that he's turned a new corner. That doesn't mean he won't go back to the abuse.
Watch his actions over a long period of time and with challenges. Tell him now that you don't know if you'll get back together and to stop insisting to get back and give you space and time. Then watch his reactions.

[Looly71]

My friend was in a similar situation. My advice to her and to you now is, if it just a blip in what is going to be an ongoing relationship then there is no rush to move back in together until you're both sure.

[TheSockGoblin]

Well he might well have had these 'big' revelations. But like others have said this does not magically undo years of deep-seated behavioural patterns and ways of treating others.

The fact he is already 'rushing' you doesn't seem like he is thinking much further than himself tbh.

[lovelilies]

That's true. He is so hard to say 'No' to. I still worry about how he'll react when I say something he doesn't want to hear
Saw my DV worker today and she is great, talking about setting clear boundaries and will see if I can get on an assertiveness course.
I'm also seeing a private counsellor tomorrow, to try and rein in all my confused thoughts, and be able to move forwards positively.
Mumsnet is great for moral support and also pointing out the obvious to me, sometimes I just need telling 'straight'

[Lweji]

I totally understand your worry about upsetting him. I still have that with ex, at a distance, because of the expected rant if things don't go according to his wishes.

But, limiting (or almost cutting) contact has helped quite a lot.

I do think you need that space to free yourself from him properly.

[catkin14]

Having been in a marriage of 27 years with an EA, I could never trust that man to not do it again, and believe me this man could sell oil to Saudi...! Don't waste your life with an EA, better to be alone. IMO...