Has anyone tried again successfully with a previously EA relationship?

[lovelilies]

Split up with DP in November after final 'nail in the coffin' argument/ holiday from hell.

He's been EA in the past, drinking too much and being verbally abusive, to me and my DD (now 10) from a prev relationship.

He's seeing a counsellor for his anger issues, ditched his poisonous parents and brother, and is doing a lot to help me out with new house, great dad to our DS, making real effort with DD.

I'm very confused. When I bought my new house without him, I was fully prepared to be alone, and was quite happy with that. I like being financially independent, and having my 'own' space.

But when I'm with him, when he's helping out with sorting garden, at hand over time for DS etc I feel like we could still be the happy family I once hoped for us. The whole relationship wasn't hell by any means, we had (have) a lot of laughs and genuinely love each other (I feel).

He wants us back together.
DD enjoys spending time with him, their relationship is better than ever. He's read a lot of parenting stuff and is finally seeing where I'm coming from with my parenting style...

What I'm asking is, is there any chance we could have a happy relationship/ family?
Has anyone achieved this?

Sorry for the ramble.. I just need some perspective

[catkin14]

Having been in a marriage of 27 years with an EA, I could never trust that man to not do it again, and believe me this man could sell oil to Saudi...! Don't waste your life with an EA, better to be alone. IMO...

[Lweji]

I totally understand your worry about upsetting him. I still have that with ex, at a distance, because of the expected rant if things don't go according to his wishes.

But, limiting (or almost cutting) contact has helped quite a lot.

I do think you need that space to free yourself from him properly.

[lovelilies]

That's true. He is so hard to say 'No' to. I still worry about how he'll react when I say something he doesn't want to hear
Saw my DV worker today and she is great, talking about setting clear boundaries and will see if I can get on an assertiveness course.
I'm also seeing a private counsellor tomorrow, to try and rein in all my confused thoughts, and be able to move forwards positively.
Mumsnet is great for moral support and also pointing out the obvious to me, sometimes I just need telling 'straight'

[TheSockGoblin]

Well he might well have had these 'big' revelations. But like others have said this does not magically undo years of deep-seated behavioural patterns and ways of treating others.

The fact he is already 'rushing' you doesn't seem like he is thinking much further than himself tbh.

[Looly71]

My friend was in a similar situation. My advice to her and to you now is, if it just a blip in what is going to be an ongoing relationship then there is no rush to move back in together until you're both sure.

[Lweji]

It means he probably picked up some ideas from the counsellor and is using them on you. It's not necessarily what he thinks.

But he even be convinced that he's turned a new corner. That doesn't mean he won't go back to the abuse.
Watch his actions over a long period of time and with challenges. Tell him now that you don't know if you'll get back together and to stop insisting to get back and give you space and time. Then watch his reactions.

[Chchchchange]

Abusive behaviour is very very hard to change. Almost impossible, sadly.
I left my ea partner a few months before you. He badgered me constantly trying to say he'd changed but kept putting off getting counselling. Swore blind he'd had a massive realisation about his behaviour, said all the right things (except when he didn't and it was as plain as day he was still the old him underneath). I absolutely knew I couldn't get back together and believe me, we'd had many wonderful moments and we're hugely in love.
Mostly I realised that even if he successfully changed, I was always going to look at him and see him swearing at me, shouting, being suspicious and minimising everything he'd done. The damage was done

They can't usually keep the act up for long so you're just going to risk getting sucked in if you keep up the contact. He needs to keep his distance other than with contact with the kids.

I'm really sorry for you because it is sad but you'll be much better off without him.

[Cocoabutton]

Oh, sweetie - he is not giving you a chance to know your arse from your elbow, though. If he has changed, loves you etc, he can wait till you work out what you want, surely.

[lovelilies]

Is that a good or bad thing though?
I honestly don't feel like I know my arse from my elbow at the moment.
I don't even know what I want (from him)!
I feel kind of numb, and sway from really not wanting to see him at all, which wouldn't be possible anyway because of DC & DC to be. To thinking, life as a 2 parent family is so much easier (in some ways) and is great when we work as a team etc etc..
Will I ever know what the f I want?

[Lweji]

This is a kinda conversation I had with my counsellor

Yes, it sounds like counsellor speak.

[lovelilies]

His excuses?
Here are some texts from last night


"I was simply clueless I think.. Just didn't get how family things worked.. As I've grown up, and started to look after DS more and more understand my role in all of this .. I've now realise my faults and understood the stupid influences others have had in shaping things for me .. Your mum was right about 1 thing. It's to do with breaking the mould ... I've finally broken it!
It'll never happen again .. None of it will.. There was so much stupidity on my part and I struggled to understand it all ... I love you so much .. You guys are my world.
This is a kinda conversation I had with my counsellor .. I cried and cried when the penny dropped. It was a massive realisation ...
I love you all .. I'd never ever go back to the person I once was .. I'm ashamed of what I was"

If it's all bollocks, he's good!

[Lweji]

It just shows he is capable of doing it. He simply chose not to before. Why?

[lovelilies]

It's so bloody difficult to not believe all he says/ does.
He's doing everything right; looking after our son very well, putting up shelves/ buying me a kitchen/ sorting out the garden etc.
With a constant narrative about how much he loves me and the kids, how we can have such a lovely life together.
Not meaning to drip feed, I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd DC. We split up when I was 7 weeks.
He's bought birthing pool (planning home birth) and been to hypno birthing sessions too. It doesn't help that everyone says what a lovely couple we are/were and that we have such a 'connection'
I have said to him I'm not making any decisions about 'us' until this baby's at least 6 months old, because I'm tired and hormonal and unable to think straight.

[Lweji]

Be careful, though, because that could be the calm before the storm. He won't like it when you tell him it's over. But you should, or you'll have him pressuring you regularly and you won't be able to move on if he's around constantly.

[lovelilies]

Thank you for all the replies. It's what I needed to hear. I shall definitely keep my independence, and not have him move in here.
I'm seeing a counsellor soon, to try and address my own feelings.
He does think that because he's 'changed' and desperately wants his family back, that I should fall in line and get back with him.

[rememberthetime]

Lundy Bancroft recommend s two years of him in therapy and showing no signs of bad behaviour before you take him back. Do you think he is capable of that? A few months is not long enough.

[Janie143]

All of the above is true Mine went on a perpetrators program. We have been apart for 2.5 years He thought that entitled him to come back and showed very clearly that it had made no difference when I said no

[HandyWoman]

Last November is literally a nanosecond ago in terms of modifying deep seated entitlement.

There's no way to know at this point if all this stuff (NC with toxic family, counselling, reading books, being nice) is just window dressing.

[Standalittletaller]

I did try again and it was a disaster.

He left and came back a year later declaring he was a changed man. I tentatively said we could gradually try again, family days out etc to see how it went.

Boy did he put on a good act. It was so over the top he could not keep it up eg presents, extra helpfulness, nights out, actually playing with the kids, everything he had been incapable of before.

A few months later I realised I just didn't feel the same and ended it. He has been so vindictive since and we had a very nasty divorce. He has gone all out on a sustained campaign of harassment to ruin me for the last three years.

Do not trust him.

[Kr1stina]

Yeah, tell him that you want to wait for a year or two before getting involved with him again . If he's really changed, he will completely understand and be supportive of your decisions and your right to make it for yourself .

If he's not changed , he will say

" Fuck that , you want me to wait two years for you ? I've done what you wanted - gone NC with my family and gone for therapy . so you owe me. All I want is X Y and X . But you won't do what I want. You're a controlling bitch "

[EarthboundMisfit]

I think you would be wise to keep him at a distance for a long, long time if only for your DD's sake.

[Lweji]

Agreeing with Doreen

[DoreenLethal]

I suspect the mask will slip when you tell him that all this good behaviour is nice, but because you know leopards don't change their spots, you cannot be in a relationship with him again. Either 5 seconds after, or once he decides that being nice really isn't worth it.

[HandyWoman]

After being given an ultimatum by me my EA ex improved his behaviour for THREE YEARS before the mask slipped again and he reverted to type. The place where the EA comes from is very deep within a person. It's the real them. I would not get back together at this stage. It's very possible that this is 'hoovering' you back in. Men gain a lot from being in a relationship -things like social status that is important to them. Some will work hard and be on their best behaviour for years to get that.

Retain your power and independence. Time (years) will tell if he's doing it because he wants to, or doing it to get something...

[Triliteral]

I'm with Morris on this. Even if he's genuine, wants to change and makes a huge effort, the tendencies will still be there, ready to re-emerge when he is stressed. Equally, you will have to be constantly the one to watch out for tendencies and set boundaries because on some level, he won't really be aware of what 'normal' is.

There's also a risk that during the teenage years, when your children become less easy, he will again be unaware of boundaries and how to deal with them. If he is fully in your life, your children will not have a safe place to go where they can get away.

Lastly, you teach your children it's a good idea to persevere with a relationship that's deeply flawed in the hope that it can be fixed. Later, you may have to watch as your children persist in completely inappropriate relationships and deal with the realisation that you taught them that, even as their mental health is felling apart.

Have him in your life. Don't have him in your house or ever put yourself in a situation where you or your children are dependent upon him and his goodwill and sobriety.