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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dating a Mother and her Gang of Three

79 replies

AManDaAustralia · 18/04/2016 12:38

Hello Ladies,

Where to start? You are probably wondering why I am coming to you for advice on this matter, however I am trying to see things from the mother's perspective. I am probably going to be shut down for my male, narrow minded thoughts, but this is where I need clarification.

So.... I have to laugh at myself everytime I talk about this situation, I find it hard to believe that I even fell into this situation. However as they say you can not help who you fall in love with. I am currently a 29 year old professional living with my 40 year old partner and her three children. We have been living together for 6 months and dating for approximately three years.

We met a few years before this at work and had built up a strong relationship over the years prior to dating.

Everything prior to moving in was great. We had a great relationship and I had a strong relationship with her children. When things got a little "overwhelming" I could always retreat to my bachelor pad and have my own time and space.

However, when my lease came up, I came to a fork on whether to find another place or to take up the offer from her, with extra encouragement from her friends and family to make the dive and move in together.

Although I have been in a few very serious relationships prior to this, I have never made the full commitment to move in with my partner. I think subconsciously this was to be the same, but it did make sense for me to help support her and her children instead of pay rent and utilities on a place I would barely stay at.

However, shortly after moving in, I decided to give up smoking. A stupid decision when under pressure shortly moving in, but decided to do it. As well, at the same time she started a new job, as I begun a new promotion. Lots has been happening!

However, I find this has all been too much. We are fighting for the first time in our relationship. Not about serious matters, but petty, immature shit! She is studying, when she gets home, I am working and I am angry that she is not finding a little bit of time just for us.

I feel like I am the fifth and last person in line. I know I should not be selfish, I know she has children and study, but I feel as if I am making a heinous request if I mention let's spend some time together.

I know family is hard, and I am trying to take some of the pressure off her, but I can not take the pressure of coping the heat for only trying to make a relationship work.

I want to move out, but doing that I don't know if the relationship will last. Her new job does not make her as financially secure as her previous job and child support is basically nil. I know she would be in a lot of trouble without me, however I do not want to stay if she only wants me here if it is for financial support as well.

I try to bring the conversation up, however it gets blown off each time.

Ladies, please assist.

Thanks,

OP posts:
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FaFoutis · 18/04/2016 15:54

I agree with Sparrowhawk so I'm clearly up my own arse too.

OP, just tell her and move out.

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Seeyounearertime · 18/04/2016 15:59

Nothing wrong with calling us ladies OP.

Well actually, technically, there is something wrong with calling "us" ladies as we're not all ladies. Some of "us" are men.

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ABetaDad1 · 18/04/2016 16:00

"Her new job does not make her as financially secure as her previous job and child support is basically nil. I know she would be in a lot of trouble without me, however I do not want to stay if she only wants me here if it is for financial support as well."

That is clearly the attraction for her of having you around since she wants to spend little time with you. It isn't working. Move out. You owe her nothing.

I am a bloke by the way so don't call me a lady. Grin.

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TheSparrowhawk · 18/04/2016 16:03

At least we don't need umbrellas eh FaFoutis!

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TheSparrowhawk · 18/04/2016 16:04

You're not qualified to respond though Seeyou and Beta - the OP wanted opinions from 'ladies' ie the group of beings that all share a ladybrain.

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Seeyounearertime · 18/04/2016 16:06

Grin

I'll wander away and think about football, cars and oil then....

actually no, those things are horrid and dull

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TheSparrowhawk · 18/04/2016 16:07

What about boobs? And bums (ladybums of course, not manbums). I thought that's what gentlemen thought about most?

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Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 16:07

Crikey.

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/04/2016 16:13

You want time with your partner. Understandable.
She is too busy...and keeps brushing you off. The dismissiveness would be the deal breaker for me.
Imho, the natural conclusion is that you then be brushed off and move out.

Why would you want the relationship to continue if you are so familiar, taken for granted, to her that you have become invisible? Is she a bit condescending about your lack of family experience: it does not anywhere near equal single life. If you can not change and re-calibrate your perspective then you ought to move on, because she certainly can not change her perspective regarding her children/core responsibilities to them (and you can not make her). Basic incompatibility.

Perhaps she is not happy with you having moved in after all...except for the convenience of your money...so she may be sitting on the fence too as it sounds like she is merely tolerating you. You are helping her do so many things for her, yet she has no time for you. It is a one way street. That would be she is using you. Your anger is justifiable. But again, because of the children, the only answer, imho, is to step away.

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MummyBex1985 · 18/04/2016 16:17

If you're taking on someone with kids then you have to accept you're bottom of the pile when it comes to priorities.

She should still try and make some time for you though.

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Seeyounearertime · 18/04/2016 16:19

I don't think i'm qualified to say what the typical man thinks about Sparrow
I'd be more inclined to think about the stereotypical "lady things" than the stereotypical "man things" TBH.


and Ponies... Little Ponies... My Little Ponies...

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TheNaze73 · 18/04/2016 16:22

Any parent will tell you it's children first whatever the circumstances. Sounds like you moved in too quickly, for the wrong reasons. I'd move out, if she's not prepared to listen. You only get one go at life but, learn from it, when dating a woman with children, they'll always come first

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ABetaDad1 · 18/04/2016 16:26

Shouldn't a heterosexual 29 year old professional man be dating a hot 27 year old woman?

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MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 18/04/2016 16:29

I agree about the word ladies too. And op knew that. Otherwise he wouldn't have wittered on in his first paragraph about how he was probably going to be handed his hairy male arse on a plate.

'Afternoon ladeez - I know you'll all hate me you bra burning harridans but I've still popped in for advice and then fucked off and not returned to my lovely thread I've even given myself a big hairy nickname - thanks ladeez'

But we're not allowed to alledge goady-fuckerness so I won't.

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TheSparrowhawk · 18/04/2016 16:30

Good on you for resisting that urge Narnia Grin

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MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 18/04/2016 16:35

I just thought hard about dollies and shiny things sparrow...

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ABetaDad1 · 18/04/2016 16:37

You've frightened him off now - you harridans!

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TheSparrowhawk · 18/04/2016 16:38

As well you know Beta, the ladybrain isn't the fluffy place it's made out to be

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Helmetbymidnight · 18/04/2016 16:45

If you were my son, I'd gently encourage you to move on/out.

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/04/2016 16:46

Talk to her.

But not as a fourth child demanding attention and a piece of her. And not whining at her to take on your pain and your wants and make it all better for you.

As an adult and a partner. As a grown man who wants to give to the relationship as well as take. Someone who wants to know what he can do to help her and make her life better by your love and affection. And someone who has something to give, the skills to nourish and keep a relationship going together with the one you love.

Oh and stop the whining about giving up smoking. I presume no one locked you in a cellar and denied you the cigarettes you were screaming for. Own your own actions and decisions! Obviously the angst of nicotine cravings are not responsible for the 6 months of discontent. Work out what is going on then decide whether you want to sort it out, or whether you want to walk away.

Good luck

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Snog · 18/04/2016 16:46

It's not unreasonable to want regular couple time within a relationship. If your partner is not prepared to find time for you I would not just move out, I would leave the relationship.

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HateTablets · 18/04/2016 17:37

Well actually, if the OP didn't have that feeling of being the last wheel before he moved in, I would say that, somehow, his Harriet did manage to find time for their relationship. Maybe there was a babysitter, maybe the dcs were with their other parent. But that time should be available still.
However, IMO, what happens is that, when you move in, time to spend together is supposed to happen on its own accord and shouldn't need that level of organisation. Except that it doesn't.

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HateTablets · 18/04/2016 17:41

I agree about going in and proposing solutions rather than exit to g her to solve the problem on her own.

But I would also want to know why it is that you are so annoyed that you want to get out. Is it really just because you feel you are always coming last?
You are mentioning your fear of commitment. Is it what is going on there?
Or is the issue about taking on the responsibility of 3 children, which will entail putting them first and you last?

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pocketsaviour · 18/04/2016 18:10

Narnia spot on about the first post.

I am probably going to be shut down for my male, narrow minded thoughts

It's like negging, isn't it? Like a guy who walks up to a woman and says "You're probably way too stuck up to speak to an ordinary man like me. I expect you only like bastards." And sometimes, if the woman has low self-esteem or has been raised to be a man-pleaser, she'll respond, because she wants to disprove his low opinion of her.

Happily about 50% of the time he'll get a withering look of scorn and/or a drink poured over him.

Having said that, after the first paragraph I did start to wonder if this post was about the

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AManDaAustralia · 18/04/2016 21:04

Thank you for the overwhelming responses.

My apologies for my opening address. I did not mean to offend anyone. As a male seeking help on a mothering forum I did expect to receive some heat from somewhere.

The majority are telling me to move out. Although that is what I am feeling, I was hoping this to change. As I mentioned, there have been several factors contributing to a difficult homing environment over these past few months and I don't want to act like a 29y/o childless adult, but Want to be acting on the greater good of the family unit.

I for one would be the first to admit I can act like a spoilt kid at times. As I have only had myself to take care of for so long, it is too easy to sometimes think of what I want first. Moving in to this new environment has taken a lot more that I thought it would.

OP posts:
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