Dating a Mother and her Gang of Three

[AManDaAustralia]

Hello Ladies,

Where to start? You are probably wondering why I am coming to you for advice on this matter, however I am trying to see things from the mother's perspective. I am probably going to be shut down for my male, narrow minded thoughts, but this is where I need clarification.

So.... I have to laugh at myself everytime I talk about this situation, I find it hard to believe that I even fell into this situation. However as they say you can not help who you fall in love with. I am currently a 29 year old professional living with my 40 year old partner and her three children. We have been living together for 6 months and dating for approximately three years.

We met a few years before this at work and had built up a strong relationship over the years prior to dating.

Everything prior to moving in was great. We had a great relationship and I had a strong relationship with her children. When things got a little "overwhelming" I could always retreat to my bachelor pad and have my own time and space.

However, when my lease came up, I came to a fork on whether to find another place or to take up the offer from her, with extra encouragement from her friends and family to make the dive and move in together.

Although I have been in a few very serious relationships prior to this, I have never made the full commitment to move in with my partner. I think subconsciously this was to be the same, but it did make sense for me to help support her and her children instead of pay rent and utilities on a place I would barely stay at.

However, shortly after moving in, I decided to give up smoking. A stupid decision when under pressure shortly moving in, but decided to do it. As well, at the same time she started a new job, as I begun a new promotion. Lots has been happening!

However, I find this has all been too much. We are fighting for the first time in our relationship. Not about serious matters, but petty, immature shit! She is studying, when she gets home, I am working and I am angry that she is not finding a little bit of time just for us.

I feel like I am the fifth and last person in line. I know I should not be selfish, I know she has children and study, but I feel as if I am making a heinous request if I mention let's spend some time together.

I know family is hard, and I am trying to take some of the pressure off her, but I can not take the pressure of coping the heat for only trying to make a relationship work.

I want to move out, but doing that I don't know if the relationship will last. Her new job does not make her as financially secure as her previous job and child support is basically nil. I know she would be in a lot of trouble without me, however I do not want to stay if she only wants me here if it is for financial support as well.

I try to bring the conversation up, however it gets blown off each time.

Ladies, please assist.

Thanks,

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

AManDa was your partner studying before you moved in with her?

As an aside, I can't imagine trying to run a house, raise children, work, and study at the same time, let alone have a relationship too. That's quite a workload.

[blindsider]

Not precious at all. Just know when I'm being trolled...

Jeez how is your life of cynicism and mistrust working out for you?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Not precious at all. Just know when I'm being trolled...

[CloneMeNow]

As a lay-dee (sorry) with 3 DC who has just finished a looooong period of studying, I can tell you that (especially in the final year of studying - don't know where your GF is with her course) I would have absolutely snapped if my DH had put any pressure on me in the last year about time for "us". It was all I could do to manage kids, work and studying.

The best thing he could have done (though in fact he didn't) would to have been extra supportive - lots of "oh, I'll take care of that for you" or kindly cups of coffee made for me when I was snatching an extra hour of study here and there. A bit of taking the kids out while I was working wouldn't have hurt. And just a smiley face and nice comments about how well I was coping (even when I wasn't) would have really iced the cake.

IMO, this is a chance for you to step up and make yourself a strong partner - and what will naturally come from that is her wanting to spend more time with you because it's so bloody great to be with you. Plus, when her studying is finished, she'll have a rush of appreciation for you and you'll recoup lots of benefits of time and attention then.

That's assuming she's a nice, normal person obviously and not a selfish cow who is just using you as a financial prop. And assuming that you are a nice, normal person and not an immature, needy man child who is just using her as a surrogate mum. These kind of stressful situations are where the good relationships get better.

[RealityCheque]

I've read that post, Narnia.

It's shite, IMO. There. Was no 'negging' intended so no need to be so precious.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Anyone who thinks calling him on 'ladies' is OTT should read pocketsaviour at 18.10.

He's negging you. If you're ok with that then ok, carry on.

[MistressDeeCee]

I thought "Gang of Three" would have annoyed people more tbh

[springydaffs]

See op? You get a lot of shite people projecting on an Internet forum. You have to wade through that when you're already confused.

Btw you say 'we' don't want to go down the professional route - is that really we or is it you? Genuine q though, admittedly, dog with a bone

[MangoMoon]

I did cringe for you when I read 'ladies', and then again at 'mothering forum'.

[AManDaAustralia]

Thank you to the people who have provided constructive feed back. I appreciate every insightful and thoughtful addition.

Reading thoughts from some of these posts have helped me realise areas that I know need attention. I will address these. I know I can sometimes for self indulgent and this is one area I want to improve in.

[Lillygolightly]

I don't know if I'm hormonal or what but I find it incredibly annoying that I read a post from a person asking for advice and that and that half of the replies on the first page centre on the "offense" caused by the intended polite opening of 'hello ladies'!! Goodness...really!! Those of you who have taken exception to this opening tell me would you kick up a fuss about this at a board meeting? Or in a lift or anywhere generally in public? Or is it only something that happens on the t'interenet, where something that was intended as a polite greeting can become reason to be offended? I could understand if he'd opened with 'hey fanny owners...help me out' or whatever but what do I know I am a hormonal heap and it's 2am! 😣

Original poster: all the things you have mentioned are typical of family life, it's a big adjustment and it will take work as a harmonious family life takes effort and different members of the family have to take the back seat at different times. It's unlucky that it seems to be you at the moment but take pride in the fact she's a good mother and puts her children and others ahead of herself and be proud she's trying to better herself and career prospects no doubt these were qualities that contributed to you falling in love with her in the first place. You've two choices, you can cut and run now before you get any deeper and cause more hurt/upset, or you can choose to roll your sleeves up help out/get stuck in and support her. That's something you need to figure out for yourself though. I wish you luck.

Ps: a tip if you choose to genuinely support her and offer some practical help to help take the load off her a little (wash up/cook a meal/ take the kids out to give her some time to study or even just rest) she will really appreciate it, I know I would. Also if you help out more she'll appreciate it and she will have more free time, less stress and pressure and be more likely to be able to focus on quality time with you!

Tip 2: when she has such a huge workload sulking and being all 'but what about meeee!!!' will only suffice in making her feel more stressed and anxious and spending time with you to appease you like a toddler so you don't moan will become a source of tension and resentment for you both. You won't feel like she really wants to do it (because largely she won't, she'll be thinking of all that needs to be done) and she'll be feeling like she has a 4th child she has to give attention to rather than another adult she can lean on for support.

Hope that helps.

[PerspicaciaTick]

I call mahoosive goady fucker.
Who enjoyed the ladies debate so much that he decided to have a second go with "mothering forum".

[MistressDeeCee]

I don't see anything with being addressed as "Ladies"

There is no way Id be interested in a single parent with 3 DCs, meaning we couldn't spend time together. Id commend him for being with his children, its a good thing. It just wouldn't suit me. AIbeit there are couples with children who do manage to spend time with each other. & I don't believe a mother or father should solely focus on children, and partner should just put up with feeling like an afterthought. Its boring and unfulfiling, to say the least. A bit like being there because the "things" you can bring to a relationship are convenient, but thats as far as it goes.

But you've been together quite some time now. Its worth trying to save the relationship. You did say you've tried to raise matter with her several times, but she doesn't want to know. If she has her children and is also studying then there really isn't time for you. Why not suggest the two of you going to Relate? Could be a good thing, you can air how you feel, at least..& so can she. But in your shoes if she isn't interested in going to Relate then I would move out. Perhaps she will be entitled to some help such as tax credits when you do

Good for her, being able to study with 3 young DCs. I am wondering how, I must admit. Do you do any of the childcare, school pick ups etc? But whatever it is, if she only has time to study and be a mum, and that isn't for you, then the writing's on the wall if you don't go to Relate, I think

[HelenaDove]

ABetaDad1 Mon 18-Apr-16 16:26:39
Shouldn't a heterosexual 29 year old professional man be dating a hot 27 year old woman?





Would you say the same if it was a 29 year old woman dating a 40 year old man?

Basing it on date of birth is fucking ridiculous btw. Im 42 and ten stone lighter than i was at 29.

[TheVeganVagina]

You sound like a decent guy.

[springydaffs]

((hug))

[AManDaAustralia]

Thank you ☺️

[Veterinari]

If you love your partner, then stay, put the work in and try and fix this. Don't just leave, give it a chance. Sit down with her and spell out how you're feeling. I know that's hard but give your relationship a chance before bailing. She may not realise how serious this is, especially if she's stressed herself. It sounds as if you both need to prioritise your relationship a little more, and you need to communicate and pull together as a team

[AManDaAustralia]

This is somewhat a massive part of the issue. Of course I love my partner, and making her upset, rejected is the last thing I want to push on her. But with the kids, it would even be worse. They have already gone through the separation of their parents at an early age, then the first male that comes into their life after moves on too.

..... I just think this may have a significant impact on them now and especially in the long-term

[springydaffs]

ONLY a settling stage? To the point you're at your wits end, to the point you're posting on an internet forum to complete strangers (tens of K of), and are considering ditching her and her kids because you can't cope?

What do you think professionals are there for if not for exactly a situ like this

[springydaffs]

You're only 29. It's not unusual for a man of 29 to have not had the kids urge.

Don't worry, I'm going. I'll stop hectoring.

[AManDaAustralia]

Possibly. seeking professional help may be just an extreme for something that may only be a settling stage in the relationship

[springydaffs]

There are many grades to explore between stay and go. A professional, or at least an outsider trained in looking , could flag those up, suggest them, work with you. Not emotionally involved, see. Whereas you are.

aren't you glad it's not me you've moved in with

Both stay and go are explosive for their own reasons. Extremes, at opposite ends.

Plus it pisses me right off that people think professional support is the drastic ohmygod last ditch recourse - when it should be the first when things get sticky.

[AManDaAustralia]

I have not ever had the crave to have a child of my own. Although men naturally have this feeling later in life, I have always come to the conclusion that this is not for me... Well before my partner came along.

Saying that, I am not the evil step-father. If anything I am the opposite. Coming from a "modern family" myself, I knew I wanted to be the opposite of what my step-mother is. The boys have a father, unsure if he is the best father figure, but he is their dad. I would rather be their friend, than them refer to me as their step-dad.

I think if the option was there, my partner would possibly make the sacrifice for another child, but I do not want one.

[cbigs]

You'll have to handle it well really with three kids I'm sure she will struggle with the move out from the kids point of view as it's unsettling . If I was her I'd find that hard as it would feel like a bit of a rejection . I guess you need to be at straight with her .. Maybe show her this thread?