The older I get, the more I question if this was a form of abuse by my parents. Opinions very much welcome.

[somesortofpaint]

I'm not sure where to begin with this, so if I have given irrelevant information, it's just because I'm trying to set the scene. And I'm sorry for the ramble!

Before I go into it, I have no idea if these things constitute abuse, or anything else untoward, or even if it is something that should affect me now (I'm 29). As I have got older, I've started questioning my parents behavior towards me as a child but also as an adult now, and it's made me see my childhood in a very different light. I'm not here for sympathy, I would really like honest opinions as to whether this is 'normal.' If I mentioned ANY of this to my parents, the answers would be:

• you were a difficult child
  
• everyone thought you were difficult and a handful
  
• you were never happy with anything
  
• you weren't like your sister
  
• oh don't be so ridiculous (laughing it off)
  
• oh we were awful parents weren't we (said dismissively, then they'd laugh together)
  

These things will probably sound very minimal, and are nothing compared to some of the things on other threads. I know this and appreciate that fact. Again, I'm looking for brutal honesty - perhaps I was just a nightmare child!!!

My parents, but mainly my dad, would kick me, pull me by my hair all the way up the stairs and slap me around the head if I wouldn't go to bed (I remember I wouldn't go to bed A LOT, so this must have been awful for them as parents and I have sympathy). But this sort of approach made me feel worthless, and I remember self harming after it happened (I don't do this anymore and havent for years).

I never had any privacy. There were NEVER locks on the bathroom door, and I remember many times my dad would walk in if he was angry about something or needed to talk to me or wanted me to get out of the bath because I was using too much hot water. He would just walk in. I hated it.

Every day I was at school, my mum would go through my room completely, throwing things away (that she believed to be rubbish) and taking my diary to read with my dad. I used to find my diary in their room very often, and other times they would pretend they hadn't read it but I could tell it had been moved from where I left it in my room that morning.

When I was 7, my mum told me I had ruined their holiday because I was awfully behaved and I would cause her and my dad to get divorced if I carried on. This wasn't something I believed, but any time they argued I was told it was my fault.

My younger sister was extremely good at ballet and we used to travel round every weekend to take her to uk competitions. I hated this and remember making a fuss...I would ask to stay at home or ask if my mum would spend the day with me instead...so this must have been hassling for my parents. However, when I think about this as an adult, I dont think i would ever make one child spend all their time so focused on a sibling's success.

At university, my parents would read all my post sent to their address. One year they opened a card from an ex boyfriend (I had been devastated to break up with), and didn' give it to me,. I found out a year later. This broke my trust in my mum completely.

Now, as an adult, I struggle to be around my parents. I find them very controlling. For instance, if I travel to see them for lunch on a Sunday, they will say it's at say, 2pm, and I will have arranged to be home by 6 to do work for the next day (my job is very demanding and they know this), then I will arrive at 1, and they will suddenly tell me they can't cook until 4 and i 'shouldnt be so dramatic' about needing to be back, and 'you're so self centred'. There are countless examples of this sort of thing..practical things where my parents seem to ignore I even have a life that isn't run by them. I feel utterly worthless around my parents most of the time I am with them.

Generally, my parents are critical of people. They always seem to think they are right. For instance, an electrician will visit and explain what needs doing, and after they leave, my parents will analyse the entire thing... why he was late, was he looking at their antique furniture ..and all these strange introverted things that I realise now as an adult are quite odd. They seem to enjoy drama.

While I have listed all of that, my parents have been good to me...I went to a brilliant school and they were very supportive of me academically and as a result I have a good job now with good prospects.They are generous mostly, and they have a good set of friends. I've had everything I ever needed and more. When it comes down to it, they are kind and want me to be happy. I love my sister dearly and we do have some nice family days. But I rarely leave my parents' presence now without feeling some form of anger or just dispapoitnment at the way they treat me - I have never felt respected by them, and struggle a lot with my self esteem where they are concenred. It hurts even more than on the few times I have mentioned anything remotely related to what I have described here, they just seem to mock me. They see me as dramatic, self obsessed and over the top. Perhaps I am deluded, but I don't see myself that way, yet I see all those traits in them. They're not bad people, but they make me feel bad a lot of the time, and it makes me sad.

[sleeponeday]

Sorry, Micah, confused you with OP. However, I think the point stands. Self-awareness goes a long way. As would acknowledging to adult kids that you messed up, which we all will... hopefully not on the scale described here.

[iminshock]

Your parents were a mix of good and bad. There's some really bad stuff in there.

[Mumof2twoboys]

Yup agree. We all know when we are crossing the line but abusers don't they seem to relish in how far they can go

I would say speak to them and tell them that you fell unloved. It's best they know before they die than lead pretentious lives

[SoThatHappened]

Why do some parents publicly favour one child over another?

I dont get it. I cant remember ever being taken anywhere for birthdays and the photos prove that. My sibling on the other hand, no expense spared.

Even into adulthood. No one in the family gives a shit about my birthday but my siblings.....ooh must make a fuss.

[bettyberry]

sothat I have two possibilities.

• they live through their child and by favouring them, really throwing themselves into every they do they are some how doing it too and it looks good on them.
  

or

• they favour the child who isn't going to out do them. Be better than they are, make better choices etc etc. They don't want to be overshadowed by a successful offspring stealing their limelight.
  

The second was, I feel, what happened to me. Still is in fact. Can't remember the last time my achievements were celebrated. I had no one to tell my GCSE or alevel results and I didn't have a graduation ceremony for uni either because no one would turn up. I did it all but had to do it quietly :(

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Sometimes I think there is nothing logical about how an abuser behaves and to search for reasons why they behaved in a certain way can cause more pain.
The important thing to remember is that it is not your fault, or your siblings.

[wizzywig]

These days yes its abuse. Back in those days im sure it wouldve been seen as acceptable.

[wizzywig]

Just to add to my post above, i hear the phrase "in my day if i behaved badly id be given a slap" or "he/ she just needs a smack to sort themselves out". Schools used the cane. Physical abuse was more accepted in those days.

[bettyberry]

sgoinneal I have seen it a couple of times outside of my personal experience and I know the now adult was abused as a child :( Very successful children beaten down physically/emotionally by parents/guardians who don't want the attention from them. We're talking very popular, successful parents who get angry that the conversation turns from them to their children and they either put down the child in some way and/or try to bring it about them.

[SoThatHappened]

I'm no expert but narcissistic people tend to favour people whose characteristics they see as mirroring their own - even when that is a delusion.

So while the treatment is shit, on the other hand, the unfavoured children often have the benefit of not being like the parent (though the benefit only becomes apparent later on).

Sgoinneal actually that makes sense as the older we get the sibling becomes more and more like our mother. I'M nothing like either of them.

My sibling has joined forces against me with mum now. Fuck them both.

[Whirlydervish]

Sothathappened, that's my experience too. I know they talk a lot about me behind my back.I speak to them separately and they use identical phrases to have a go at me. I'm very wary about telling either of them personal stuff as it gets discussed and picked apart endlessly.
Them I'm called secretive for not sharing it.

[SoThatHappened]

I speak to them separately and they use identical phrases to have a go at me.

Oh bloody hell so do my mum and sibling. I can tell they have been talking.

I am going to have to stop telling either of them anything.

Do this it is really funny. I once said to my mum and my sibling I went through your phone and text messages and saw all the vile texts you send each other about me. They admitted it and said so.

I didnt go through their phones...I lied. Nice to know they actually do send derogatory texts about ,me.

[ditherydora]

That kind of physical abuse has never been acceptable. We are not talking about an odd slap on the behind (which is also unacceptable ) but which was used by some parents.

[babyboomersrock]

Physical abuse was more accepted in those days

But this wasn't happening back in ye olden days - the OP says she's 29. So it's only 20 years ago - her parents (mostly father) would kick me, pull me by my hair all the way up the stairs and slap me around the head if I wouldn't go to bed

I never had any privacy. There were NEVER locks on the bathroom door, and I remember many times my dad would walk in if he was angry about something or needed to talk to me or wanted me to get out of the bath because I was using too much hot water. He would just walk in. I hated it

I have a dc of a similar age and therefore knew lots of families back then. That sort of abuse would have been reported had it come to light. Kicking his child? Pulling her by the hair? Barging in when she was in the bath on some feeble excuse or other?

Yes, some schools still used physical punishment, some parents smacked. But this is in a different league.

Please don't minimise what happened to OP by implying that every child suffered like that. It simply isn't true.

[SoThatHappened]

I never had any privacy. There were NEVER locks on the bathroom door, and I remember many times my dad would walk in if he was angry about something or needed to talk to me

You know who used to do this to me?

My sister. She bullied me growing up. She wouldn't leave me alone when I was a certain age. No locks and she would barge in on me when I was sitting on the toilet to "ask me things." Stupid things that could wait until I was off the f-ing toilet.

She would stand in the doorway asking me stuff and it was always antagonistic in tone.

I had forgotten about it until I read this thread.

She would make comments to me too like saying things as your stupid periods smell you dirty cow. She got hers alot later than me even though she was older and she teased me.

She was about 13-14 when she behaved this way which is shocking. She clearly knew exactly how to make me feel embarrassed and vulnerable and knew the power it gave her.

I know feel sorry for her children. We live other ends of the country and hardly see her but she was an abuser in the making at 13.

[RhombusRiley]

I agree, yes violence was more normal the further back you go, but no, hair pulling, dragging and kicking were never OK.

The privacy thing is also awful. It's about control and power, not letting someone have their privacy, especially as they move into adolescence. I had a great deal of this from both parents - the no locks, barging in, making personal comments about my body, diary-reading, and when I asked for locks on the bathroom/toilet I got mocked and bullied for asking. At 16 I actually put them on myself.

I remember when I first had a boyfriend as a teenager - it wasn't serious and was only short-lived, but he was a nice boy from a normal family. Once round at his place his mum appeared to say hi to me and then said kindly "well I'll leave you two alone, you'll want to chat" and off she went to a totally different part of the house.

I was gobsmacked and amazed that she respected our privacy and actually cared about what we would prefer. My parents would have been all over me and him, making inappropriate comments, interfering, being needy and offended if I asked for time alone, making sure we knew we could always get barged in on at any moment. (Which is why I didn't invite him to mine much!)

I think the "it was acceptable back then" thing is false - abusiveness is about more than that. It's the disrespectful attitude, deliberate hurtfulness, not letting you grow and be who you are, always having to exert control and trample on your boundaries.

[SoThatHappened]

Oh yeah and my mum and sister sat and broke the lock on my diary as a 16 year old. Yes I had been messing around with a boy just kissing and touching, no sex. I was young writing it down was a way to make sense of it.

My mum charged in after reading my diary with my sister and flung open the bathroom door when i was naked in the bath and roared at me I've just read your diary you filthy little whore, you will never go near him again and I will get your sister to watch you.

It was such a metaphor for my life at 16 for my private thoughts to be read and then walked in on when naked in the bath.

You know I am glad I am nothing like my family. The pair of them are a couple of abusers.

[EnglishIrishRose]

Would just like to echo the other posters, and say how glad I am to be here, at home, on Mumsnet with people who understand.

OP, you will find support here, whatever you choose to do.

I have been no-contact with my father for a year now and it's the best decision I ever made. It's not an easy one, and you are still left with the effects of the abuse, but you don't have to keep re-engaging and getting hurt. And you have space and time to heal.
My father also tried to fix the problems with money for years and years. I would rather have had a Dad than a rich benefactor, but he wasn't able to give me what I needed.

Try picturing yourself as a child or looking at a photo. Think about the way they treated you, and try to look at that child and think whether you would treat them the same way.

Are they to blame? Would you say that child is evil and wrong and deserves to be hurt? Or are they just a child, who needs protection and respect and love and encouragement? Talk to yourself as a child, and tell them that it's not their fault.

And therapy is like magic if you find a good therapist. I have done years of therapy and have finally learned to love myself. It's like waking up after a life-long sleep. It's fucking brilliant.

You deserve to be happy. You did then, and you do now. You are a very string person for posting this, for being here today and for trying to make your relationship with your parents work. You are the bigger person and you can thrive despite their behaviour.

Sending you virtual hugs!

[EnglishIrishRose]

A very strong* person, not a very string person!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

somesortofpoint

Your parents were not good to you.

You were abused and your life is typical of a person being raised within a dysfunction family of origin right down to their responses as well. Your role in that family is scapegoat and you are their scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Their responses are so typical of what toxic people come out with to excuse their actions. These people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the references at the start of that thread. I would also suggest that you now further lower all forms of contact with your abusive and toxic parents with immediate effect with a longer term aim of going no contact.

Finding a decent therapist to start unpicking all this is a must. You need to find someone though who has NO (repeat NO) bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Such people are likes shoes, you need to find someone that fits and the first counsellor you see may not be the right one.

Reading "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth may help you also.

If you go on to have children they will need to be protected from your parents as well. These people were not good parents to you and will be rubbish examples of grandparents to any children you go onto have.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is NOT your fault that your parents are like this; you did not make them that way. The fault is all theirs.

What btw do you know of their own family background and or childhood, sometimes that gives clues. Their own families did that lot of damage to them.

[helpmepleasexxx]

Sounds similar to things I went through and I know I struggle to call it actual abuse even though I know it was wrong. I think it's because my mother would laugh at me or try and convince me I was wrong and it was normal so it feels so wrong to call it abuse. But after a lot of ups and downs and trying with her but also not always doing the right thing myself I've decided the hurt is too much and it's time to walk away. It's hard to do and I would love nothing more than everything to change and have a happy loving family but as it stands it's just painful. I'd say at the very least have some distance and see how you feel. But I would blame you for going no contact.

I also worry about what another poster said above that my parents did try their best and my kids will think I was a bad parent etc as my mum is so convinced she did nothing wrong. But being aware is such a huge thing and a little acknowledgement would have gone a long way for me. And quite honestly and this point I just want my kids to be happy even if that means without me as I never want them to feel how I have done. Bug hugs. I'm so shocked how many people deal with this type of parenting xxx

[wol1968]

I'm profoundly unimpressed by them driving all the way up to uni to pick you up, by the way. Big wow. That's not a Good Deed, that's just a routine thing most normal parents will do for their offspring, providing they have the time and transport. They don't ask for grateful thanks for it, and if there are practical reasons they can't do it, there are no guilt-trips. The rest of what your parents did for you is down to money and ego. If you earn enough it's easy to pay for riding lessons, material gifts, private education and tutoring; not so easy to listen to your child, treat them well and get to know them as a person. The latter is what's important in bringing up children, and unfortunately your parents rate a U on that. Riding, gifts, expensive education and money are all just bells and whistles next to that though the money may come in handy for therapy later on