The older I get, the more I question if this was a form of abuse by my parents. Opinions very much welcome.

[somesortofpaint]

I'm not sure where to begin with this, so if I have given irrelevant information, it's just because I'm trying to set the scene. And I'm sorry for the ramble!

Before I go into it, I have no idea if these things constitute abuse, or anything else untoward, or even if it is something that should affect me now (I'm 29). As I have got older, I've started questioning my parents behavior towards me as a child but also as an adult now, and it's made me see my childhood in a very different light. I'm not here for sympathy, I would really like honest opinions as to whether this is 'normal.' If I mentioned ANY of this to my parents, the answers would be:

• you were a difficult child
  
• everyone thought you were difficult and a handful
  
• you were never happy with anything
  
• you weren't like your sister
  
• oh don't be so ridiculous (laughing it off)
  
• oh we were awful parents weren't we (said dismissively, then they'd laugh together)
  

These things will probably sound very minimal, and are nothing compared to some of the things on other threads. I know this and appreciate that fact. Again, I'm looking for brutal honesty - perhaps I was just a nightmare child!!!

My parents, but mainly my dad, would kick me, pull me by my hair all the way up the stairs and slap me around the head if I wouldn't go to bed (I remember I wouldn't go to bed A LOT, so this must have been awful for them as parents and I have sympathy). But this sort of approach made me feel worthless, and I remember self harming after it happened (I don't do this anymore and havent for years).

I never had any privacy. There were NEVER locks on the bathroom door, and I remember many times my dad would walk in if he was angry about something or needed to talk to me or wanted me to get out of the bath because I was using too much hot water. He would just walk in. I hated it.

Every day I was at school, my mum would go through my room completely, throwing things away (that she believed to be rubbish) and taking my diary to read with my dad. I used to find my diary in their room very often, and other times they would pretend they hadn't read it but I could tell it had been moved from where I left it in my room that morning.

When I was 7, my mum told me I had ruined their holiday because I was awfully behaved and I would cause her and my dad to get divorced if I carried on. This wasn't something I believed, but any time they argued I was told it was my fault.

My younger sister was extremely good at ballet and we used to travel round every weekend to take her to uk competitions. I hated this and remember making a fuss...I would ask to stay at home or ask if my mum would spend the day with me instead...so this must have been hassling for my parents. However, when I think about this as an adult, I dont think i would ever make one child spend all their time so focused on a sibling's success.

At university, my parents would read all my post sent to their address. One year they opened a card from an ex boyfriend (I had been devastated to break up with), and didn' give it to me,. I found out a year later. This broke my trust in my mum completely.

Now, as an adult, I struggle to be around my parents. I find them very controlling. For instance, if I travel to see them for lunch on a Sunday, they will say it's at say, 2pm, and I will have arranged to be home by 6 to do work for the next day (my job is very demanding and they know this), then I will arrive at 1, and they will suddenly tell me they can't cook until 4 and i 'shouldnt be so dramatic' about needing to be back, and 'you're so self centred'. There are countless examples of this sort of thing..practical things where my parents seem to ignore I even have a life that isn't run by them. I feel utterly worthless around my parents most of the time I am with them.

Generally, my parents are critical of people. They always seem to think they are right. For instance, an electrician will visit and explain what needs doing, and after they leave, my parents will analyse the entire thing... why he was late, was he looking at their antique furniture ..and all these strange introverted things that I realise now as an adult are quite odd. They seem to enjoy drama.

While I have listed all of that, my parents have been good to me...I went to a brilliant school and they were very supportive of me academically and as a result I have a good job now with good prospects.They are generous mostly, and they have a good set of friends. I've had everything I ever needed and more. When it comes down to it, they are kind and want me to be happy. I love my sister dearly and we do have some nice family days. But I rarely leave my parents' presence now without feeling some form of anger or just dispapoitnment at the way they treat me - I have never felt respected by them, and struggle a lot with my self esteem where they are concenred. It hurts even more than on the few times I have mentioned anything remotely related to what I have described here, they just seem to mock me. They see me as dramatic, self obsessed and over the top. Perhaps I am deluded, but I don't see myself that way, yet I see all those traits in them. They're not bad people, but they make me feel bad a lot of the time, and it makes me sad.

[lasttimeround]

So sorry for you. In my family I was the one no one liked. I don't know why but I got left behind and left out of things and if j got upset or angry they would make fun of me. I believed until I was almost 30 how generous they were and how lucky I was as 'nothing was too much trouble'

Now I can see how j was given things I didn't want so my parents could show off and ridiculed if I asked for anything that didn't fit this image and how I was made to feel very very aware of everything I was given. Id have to express frequent gratitude and would be horribly taken down if j failed to spot an opportunity to gush about my parents. I'd get taken home and told off for bring cold and selfish and rude and self involved and that everyone thought I was horrid.

It was awful buf I didn't see if because for do long I was blinded by how lucky I was supposed to feel.
You might find the same once you actually look at whether your parents generosity etc has much yo do with love and acceptance of you.

[sleeponeday]

They were abusive, and from all you say, they still are and will never change.

I agree with PP that you need to read Toxic Parents.

[lasttimeround]

Your ballets holiday just made me teary. Snap. I was left behind too - everyone else needed the holiday more..

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

It's confusing because you love your parents and they love you but they didn't parent you well. If you don't want to cut them out of your life then you don't have to.
You are an adult so set boundaries with them and try to recognise them behaving in a manipulative way so you regain control and not be damaged further by them.

[Whirlydervish]

I identify with a lot of this, my circumstances were very similar. I feel stomach churning anxiety around mine. I watch what I say for fear of causing offence. I don't feel as though my needs matter or count. If I speak up I'm selfish or greedy. They say they don't understand me, just my sibling.

I also feel that they see me in a way nobody else does - at work, friends, Dp or otherwise. They say they think I'm putting an act on for everyone but them.

I feel damaged and I didn't have the physical side of things so much - the odd slap but nothing more. I'm so sorry you went through this.

[lasttimeround]

It's a big moment when you start to see it. Can feel very frightening - a good counsellor can help. Reading some books or websites about this. Lots of good links on stately homes thread.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"They're good people and they've done so many things right by me. They've always been there financially, and they've driven to collect me from uni last minute and I had every opportunity in the world...I could have had horse riding lessons, played an instrument...nothing was too much trouble for them. "

OP, would it be fair to say that everything they did right by you (e.g. school) was 'public' i.e. could be observed by other people? And what they did wrong was private e.g. dragging you by the hair, kicking you, mocking you? Can you ever remember being mocked by them in front of anyone besides themselves/your sister?

You were not a difficult child. You were a desperately unhappy child and with good reason. Your parents are toxic - in your posts your constantly excusing them their behaviour. That is the damage they did to the child you once were, making you take responsibility for their behaviour. It was not and never could be your fault. You were a child, they were adults who acted appallingly.

[bettyberry]

This is abuse OP and I went through much of those things myself. My siblings treated much much better than I was by both mother and step father.

My mother dismisses it much the same as yours does. I had things stolen by siblings, my stuff rooted through all the time and often accused of taking things by siblings - that lead to a beating - because apparently it was found amongst my stuff.

I opened a secret bank account (with help from a friends mum) to stash money I earned from part time jobs - paper rounds (yes, I was still doing one at 14 to keep me out the house), waitressing and I remember a statement was found (I had them sent to a friends house with her mums approval and must've left one in my bag) and I was accused of stealing money for months from both my parents AND my siblings and forcibly made to hand it all over :( It was a few hundred pounds. A LOT! I never really spent my money on things for me because If I did a sibling would claim it as theirs.

I never had a birthday party (not that I can remember or have photos to prove it) but my siblings had loads. was told it was because xmas was coming and they were broke. One year they forgot I had any xmas presents. I think it was done on purpose so I had to watch everyone open theirs while I had nothing. Its little things that mark childhood that really do the most damage. The beatings... I'm over them. Have been since the day I broke my step fathers nose and he was too scared to hit me again but the being excluded from such simple things. That leaves wounds.

the confusion, anger, frustration, disbelief... its all normal and takes a while to process.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Whirly Mental or emotional abuse is just as bad. It's obviously affected you deeply.

[Whirlydervish]

Thank you ilostit. I don't think I'd realised how much. The op's situation just resonated so deeply. You can't see it when it's your normality.
Think I'll take a wander over to the stately homes thread.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

It was abuse. Not just borderline, serious abuse.

From what you have written, your parents took all their frustrations out on you. But then, if you came to be beaten or physically abused in other ways, they told you that you were to blame, not two adults who could not control themselves.

It sounds as though there were 'heat of the moment' acts but also premeditated and habitual acts of cruelty and contempt.They set you up as whipping boy, sin-eater and scapegoat your entire life, and you have paid for all their inadequacies, insecurities, weaknesses and frustrations as a result. More than that, they have tried to deny this reality and convince you of your own worthlessness. I wonder if they read your diary to as part of that process? It does come across like a kind of surveillance.

Please accept from all of us that, while your parents may not have been wholly bad, they certainly weren't and aren't 'good people' and the way they treated you wasn't normal, reasonable or excusable.

[Jux]

I was a difficult child (my teacher was hitting me and insulting me every day), but my parents never hurt me, were never physical with me. Their intelligence and kindness saved me from suicide many times when I was at my Prep school.

TBH, there's not much you can do or say to them that won't hurt you more. I think you have to detach emotionally a bit, so that you can see that they no longer have power over you, and to stop thinking that one day it will make sense to you (it won't), and that there'll be any possibility of either of them saying "it's all true; we were awful to you but it wasn't your fault " because it's very unlikely to ever happen.

What you're aiming for, I think, is a calm detachment where you can be with them occasionally but not hurt by them.

Have you had any counselling about this? You may find it very helpful.

[portinastorm]

I have had a similiar journey. incidents of behaviour that as an adult i felt uncomfortable with, asking my parents and being told i was so difficult that they had no choice and anybody would have done the same.
I also ( wrongly ) thought that behaviour towards children was excusable because , " thats what everybody did in that day" until i started to talk to friends about their childhood and when I shared my experiences they all said no they hadn't been treated that way by their parents.

my so called mothers defence was shattered by a similiar aged parent to her who said to me " people used to put children to work up chimneys , now we know its wrong" this made me think , we cant change an abusive past , but a " sorry i was wrong and i wished i had done things differently" would have gone along way for me.

An refusal to acknowledge their (mis)behaviour and blame towards you is what continues the abuse. and you are perfevtly within your right to spend your time doing what you want with who you want ........ if a friend invited me to dinner and changed the time then dismissed my feelings they wouldnt be a friend any more.

[HazyMazy]

You could investigate their childhoods, is there aunties or uncles you can question?
Not to vindicate their behavior but chances are there is a reason for their horrid treatment of you, possibly what they went through in their childhood. This would prove that it is them that has the problem and it's nothing to do with you or who you are.

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

It could have been me writing this. I'm so sorry :-( They make you out to be dramatic and attention seeking because those are the traits they are embarrassed of having themselves.
My Mother (through her Husband) recently sent a 3 page critique of my character to my Husband describing what a horrible child I was (citing examples from Birthday parties?!) and how I have no friends as an adult. He obviously doesn't know the real me...she was so horrified that he stood up to her and didn't leave me as requested that she has completely cut us off. She's done it before but I have always forgiven her. I had to apologise on every occasion, of course.
Everything you have described is so similar to my experience. My Mother bought my Sister a house straight after Uni. I was a single Mum at the time...
I don't know what to advise you to do, it's so painful.
I found this today, actually, it sounds like it might help you like it did me:

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

That's awful waitrose. I wish you all the best. Your mum cutting you off may turn out to be a great benefit to you.

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

She will be back to demand an apology. I'm hoping I'm strong enough not to oblige this time!
Lots of love to you. If you can face it I would recommend counselling-I found it really helpful.

[Paddington72]

OP your post has resonated with my experiences as a child not realising till many years later how critical my mum and dads parenting style was and struggling with the idea it was abuse as they were so good to their grandchildren and we grew up in a financially stable household.
My mum used to dye my hair blonde from the age of 5, as she didn't want it to darken, she never asked just did it. Never hugged me or showed any affection, told me with great feeling that I wasn't a wanted child and she wanted to abort me, (my brother was only 3 months old when she fell pregnant with me). I got the blame for everything and my brother was golden child, right enough I was a little horror at times but seriously. Told me I was just like my grandmother who she hated. In my teenager years she just seemed to openly hate me would grudgingly buy clothes but 3 sizes too big, never bought me any sanitary products ever and started to call me a slut for starting to date boys and wanting to go out. Tell me how wonderful everyone elses daughters were and then sigh at me. Tell me I wasn't thin, even though I weighed 7 stone at the time. I was an over achiever at school and then it all imploded and I selfharmed and tried to take my own life.
My dad on the other hand used to lose his temper in a terrifying way( for something like shutting my bedroom window) and he hit me repeatedly in a very out of control way 3 or 4 times only but I was so scared I have never forgotten, my mum always told me I deserved it and never stuck up for me.

I am a lot older than you and came to terms with it by reading some books on childhood emotional abuse and toxic parenting and knowing I never wanted to parent my own children like this. I have a lot of empathy for my mum now her marriage was horrendous and she was emotionally abused and bullied by my dad. Thank god they are now divorced, my dad was raised in a sarcastic and highly critical environment. They are not bad people but I know I could never get emotionally what I craved from them, they haven't got the capacity. I treat them with respect these days but I do not let them interfere with my life on any level anymore (as the control continued into adulthood).

Please impose some boundaries with your parents and you probably need to have some time away from them while you come to terms with the emotional abuse you suffered and take time to heal. Be prepared for guilt tripping and tantrums from your parents while you do this. Wishing you well x
.

[TendonQueen]

They are horrible people who've done horrible things to you. If the 'abuse' label feels problematic, just stick with the above. It wasn't right. The stuff they gave you was financial and practical, but they don't sound like they've ever actually wanted you to be happy and done things to make that happen. Do you have children? Imagine they came home and told you that this kind of thing was happening to a friend of theirs. What would you think of those parents? It doesn't matter whether your parents, or your sister, agree that this was abuse. You know it was wrong. I would lower contact with them drastically and lock down what they can see on Facebook. And next time they say 'You were a difficult child', say 'No, you were difficult parents' and whatever they try to argue back with, say 'We'll have to agree to disagree on that'.

[MadisonMontgomery]

OP, your parents sound a lot like my mum - dragging you by your hair, slapping round the head, lack of privacy etc. My mum was also very materially generous, I could have anything I wanted really. I think a lot of it seemed to stem from my mum seeing me as an extension of herself - she expected me to do things and react to things the way she would, and when I didn't she couldn't seem to comprehend why. I think it was why I never had any privacy - I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom or playroom doors, there was no lock on my bathroom, and she frequently went through my belongings and did what she wanted with them, and saw nothing wrong with this. When I got older she introduced the narrative that I was 'difficult' and needed a firm hand, when looking back I was actually a quiet and easygoing child. Luckily I was an only child, if I had had siblings I'm sure the one that was most like her would have been the golden child.

My mum is dead now, but even if she was alive I doubt I would get any closure - I imagine she would still be extremely overbearing and controlling. What I find hard is not being able to talk about it to my family, as they believe that she was a wonderful mother & that we were exceptionally close - several people commented to me that it must be hard for me as she was my best friend.

[PotatoesandTomatoes]

My parents (and by that I mean my Mum although my Dad never intervened) never afforded me any privacy either. She went through my things, removed things she didn't approve of.
I find it very hard not to be as nosy with my dd (who is very private) but have to remind myself how demeaning I felt to be always be being checked on.
My mother also used to every now and then throw huge tantrums and threaten to leave, she would start throwing stuff in a suitcase whilst my brother and I cried and begged her to stay. It seemed normal then, now I look back on it, it was utterly bizarre. She is desperately insecure though and needs constant reassurance that everyone loves and needs her. I see that now as an adult, as a child it was just very frightening and unsettling.
It is funny how hindsight and people outside the situation (in my case, my dh, in your case this thread) make it clear how odd this behaviour is.

OP your parents' behaviour was abusive. I think it is hard to understand why they behaved as they did. They sound similar to mine in the unconditional academic support but then they prize being intelligent over everything and so my achieving academically was very pleasing/reflected well on them. Perhaps yours were the same.

[Micah]

What i find difficult too is my own parenting.

I know my mum did everything with the best intentions, or because of "advice" given back in the day. I worry im fucking up constantly- too much pressure, too shouty, my eldest is talented, i worry about the youngest missing out as o/p describes, or not making enough of dd1's (quite frankly, huge) achievements in an attempt to equalise.

How do i know im not damaging my children in the same way? I try not to be like my mother, i really do, but she honestly cant see or cant remember what she did. I started out wanting to do the parenting "right", but i am making mistakes all the time and it breaks my heart.

Which again is why i struggle to call it abuse. I am trying my best, but i know my mother did too.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Micah try not to be so hard on yourself. You know what abuse looks like and that is your advantage when parenting your own children.

OP I hope you manage to come to terms with your past. I expect it will be a frightening realisation at first and will take time to sink in.
When you feel up to it, look into some literature on abusive relationships because it's an easy mistake to go from an abusive childhood and walk into an abusive relationship with a partner because you have been desensitised to it.
For now, just let it sink in a bit and treat yourself well.

[sleeponeday]

You worry about making mistakes and fucking up. That level of self-awareness is not there with your parents, is it? Abusers rarely come with twirly moustaches and evil laughs. They're just messed up people.

And no parenting advice, even in the 1970s, advocated dragging kids upstairs by the hair, walking in on them in the bathroom, or reading their diaries. Nor did it advise parents to tell kids how useless they were. I'm sure their own parenting affected them, but you don't mention any concerted efforts to improve their own, nor recognition now that they made mistakes.

Respecting your kids as actual human beings separate to yourself and with their own needs, not there to meet yours, is what, IMO, divides abusers from bog standard, universal imperfection.