To move 3.5 hours away?

[Applecrumbling]

Not sure where to start, looking for advice and anyone who has moved for a relationship.
I don't feel like I've had much luck. After 13 years I divorced my exh who left me with out 18 month old son, this was 2009. I had ongoing councelling which helped.
I then feel into what became an EA relationship which eventually escalated to stalking and took me a long time to get out of.
I took up new hobbies, I have friends, I work, own my own house.
May last year I met someone else, not looking, my hobby took me away and we met in a pub. We kept in contact via Facebook. I wasn't expecting anything to come of it but I like him, he has lots of potential, is clever. Lots of attractive qualities.
He was separated from his wife. Our talking turned into 7 hour round trips most weekends and eventually he told me he loved me and me him.
Feb I found out I was pregnant (ectopic) and am still not back to 'normal' now. Bleeding for 2 weeks now. I've struggled with single parenting, keeping it together and not talking about it . The friend I did tell was very judgemental of the situation and really upset me.
I'm 39, he's 42. I feel this is an opportunity a chance for another child and happiness. I'm not in a job I want to be in either although it has provided stability for me and my son.
Question is- do I move? I will be taking my son 3.5 hours away, away from his dad (who sees him but unfortunately I haven't had a conversation with him for years).. He has moved on a lives with another woman now.
I've felt stuck. I wonder if this could be 'my time' or if it's too risky.
How do I decide?

[Applecrumbling]

Also can I mention exh has no issues moving if it was for his job... He has told me that.

[Cabrinha]

It's not about how your XH behaved when he left you, though - it's the here and now, the relationship you want your child to have with his father. And he may say he would move for work - but he hasn't.

It's all very well for other posters to bring up military fathers... but that's not ideal. Plenty of kids do just fine without a dad at all but let's not have a race to the bottom.

Like a PP, yes I'm bringing my own history to this. Don't we all?
My XH is an arsehole, turned out he fucked prostitutes our entire relationship. Possibly in the fancy hotel the night before our wedding, which we then shared on our wedding night He was utterly shit with our small child - really lazy, did nothing with her if I was around to do it.

I'd moved 3 hours away to his town, have a killer commute and - if I don't leave my company - am forced by location to tread water career wise. That said, I'm treading water in warm shallows - I like my job and am paid well. But the mammoth commute fucks my personal life about big style.

With one phone call to my boss, I could have relocated with my daughter, doubled my salary with a relocation abroad and had a hefty chunk of school fees paid for her. And got a nice chunk of maintenance from a largely absent father. And had more time in my personal life and more career opportunities.

I chose to stay.
My daughter now has a great relationship with her dad - partly because he had to step up with having her, mostly because he got a GF with a daughter and turned Disney Dad (like, actually taking her to Disney for a fortnight when previous summer he's managed 2 night holiday when he wasn't trying to impress the GF) I digress...

All of this - I'm not a martyr, I'm happy here too. I haven't trashed my life for her relationship with him. But I definitely prioritised her long term relationship with her father over me, and my chances of meeting someone with my resulting lack of free time. I'm glad I did. (and I have met someone who loves me enough to work with my time constraints)

I just think you have to think REALLY carefully before taking away regular and frequent contact between a parent and child. And as I said before - I'd go to court to block you.

[Applecrumbling]

That's you though and your choice. As I said I'm not making any rash decisions. I'm not sure he has any grounds to 'block me' or if he even would...

[RealityCheque]

Cabrinha

Your daughter sounds incredibly lucky to have you as a mother. Your story should genuinely be an inspiration and a benchmark in parenting for all.

[RealityCheque]

Of course he would have 'grounds'.

You can't just fuck off to the other side of the country, reduce your sons contact with his father, and inflict the best part of a days travelling on your son EOW without any comeback.

Women with selfish attitudes like yours piss me right off and give all a bad name.

[Cabrinha]

His grounds would be under the Children Act 1989 and it's promotion of the welfare of the child.
If I were him, I would argue that your move was not a financial or practical necessity and would damage my child's right to a relationship with me.
If the number of days your son goes to his father is the same as specified in your child contact arrangements on divorce, you would also need to apply to the court (if he disagreed) to vary that order.

If the court still let you move (and they might) then I sure as hell would not be using my time and petrol driving for 3.5 hours 2x every other weekend for the contact. I would insist you do 14 hours driving EOW - I think the court would back that, I have read a few times on here that it's usually onus on the one moving away to do the travel.

You say your ex might let you. That still doesn't convince me personally. My XH would have, in the immediate aftermath of split, let me take her abroad with vague promises of flying her back a weekend a month and some holidays. It's not about what he would have agreed to, but what is best for the child. And I still think that the ideal is to have two good parents in "every day" contact with their child, doing real parenting, cleaning school shoes and checking homework - not weekend visits.

[Cabrinha]

I'm very passionate about this OP, but I'm also aware that I'm brow beating a bit because of that - when you're going through a fucking awful time.
I am, as I said before, really sorry for your pregnancy loss

You ask how do you decide?
I would just advise - you don't decide anything when you're in the middle of having lost a baby. It must be extra hard to be so far apart right now when you must want his support
You also don't decide anything when you've only known him 10 months, and when he's not divorced.
Give yourself some time.

[Applecrumbling]

That's better Cabrina. I'm not selfish. I want happiness like anyone does. My exh actions were selfish.
If I ask new man to move here then the same applies the other way. Seems it's doomed.

[Cabrinha]

It might be doomed.
You both have a child that should probably tie you to an area.
If you really have something between you, you can make it work long distance.
Synchronise your respective child free time, and you can EOW all weekend together. If you alternate the travel, you're only doing a long trip one weekend in 4.
If it sounds not enough to keep a relationship going, then that is exactly my point about your son and his father.
If you want an can afford it, you could do a midweek every week if you meet half way and come back early in the morning.

But sometimes you have to recognise that it won't work for you. I'd give that a go, by best friend wouldn't - she just wants her partner in her day to day life, end of.

Thing is, you're a mother so you can't just thing "sod it we'll move in way too quick because of the distance and just see". Because of you son's time with his father, but also because even if his dad wasn't around, you can't do that with a child.

It's a good test... If this man won't make it work long distance with you, you shouldn't be moving and having a family with him anyway.

Has he started his divorce yet? Is he still living with his wife? You really mustn't have a child with a man you've only been seeing (and infrequently at that) for a short time. Time to double up on contraception until you are sure this has legs. Definitely don't start a family with him until his divorce is sorted out!

[Itisbetternow]

But OP you are rushing the relationship by getting pregnant. I too would go to court if my child moved 3.5 hrs away. As children become teens the relationship changes. They don't want to sit in s car for 3.5 hrs they want to pop round to their dads yet still see their friends and clubs. You effectively will be changing that.

I am a single parent. I dated a single dad who lived 1 hr away and his work was a further hour away. His ex wife lived 10 mins away from his kids. Our relationship finished as we both realised neither of us could move without harming our kids. I now only date men within 20 / 30 min drive ( online dating). Already it feels better.

[IlikePercyPig]

Of course he'd have grounds to block you OP, I'm not sure why you think he doesn't.