To move 3.5 hours away?

[Applecrumbling]

Not sure where to start, looking for advice and anyone who has moved for a relationship.
I don't feel like I've had much luck. After 13 years I divorced my exh who left me with out 18 month old son, this was 2009. I had ongoing councelling which helped.
I then feel into what became an EA relationship which eventually escalated to stalking and took me a long time to get out of.
I took up new hobbies, I have friends, I work, own my own house.
May last year I met someone else, not looking, my hobby took me away and we met in a pub. We kept in contact via Facebook. I wasn't expecting anything to come of it but I like him, he has lots of potential, is clever. Lots of attractive qualities.
He was separated from his wife. Our talking turned into 7 hour round trips most weekends and eventually he told me he loved me and me him.
Feb I found out I was pregnant (ectopic) and am still not back to 'normal' now. Bleeding for 2 weeks now. I've struggled with single parenting, keeping it together and not talking about it . The friend I did tell was very judgemental of the situation and really upset me.
I'm 39, he's 42. I feel this is an opportunity a chance for another child and happiness. I'm not in a job I want to be in either although it has provided stability for me and my son.
Question is- do I move? I will be taking my son 3.5 hours away, away from his dad (who sees him but unfortunately I haven't had a conversation with him for years).. He has moved on a lives with another woman now.
I've felt stuck. I wonder if this could be 'my time' or if it's too risky.
How do I decide?

[IlikePercyPig]

Of course he'd have grounds to block you OP, I'm not sure why you think he doesn't.

[Itisbetternow]

But OP you are rushing the relationship by getting pregnant. I too would go to court if my child moved 3.5 hrs away. As children become teens the relationship changes. They don't want to sit in s car for 3.5 hrs they want to pop round to their dads yet still see their friends and clubs. You effectively will be changing that.

I am a single parent. I dated a single dad who lived 1 hr away and his work was a further hour away. His ex wife lived 10 mins away from his kids. Our relationship finished as we both realised neither of us could move without harming our kids. I now only date men within 20 / 30 min drive ( online dating). Already it feels better.

[Cabrinha]

It might be doomed.
You both have a child that should probably tie you to an area.
If you really have something between you, you can make it work long distance.
Synchronise your respective child free time, and you can EOW all weekend together. If you alternate the travel, you're only doing a long trip one weekend in 4.
If it sounds not enough to keep a relationship going, then that is exactly my point about your son and his father.
If you want an can afford it, you could do a midweek every week if you meet half way and come back early in the morning.

But sometimes you have to recognise that it won't work for you. I'd give that a go, by best friend wouldn't - she just wants her partner in her day to day life, end of.

Thing is, you're a mother so you can't just thing "sod it we'll move in way too quick because of the distance and just see". Because of you son's time with his father, but also because even if his dad wasn't around, you can't do that with a child.

It's a good test... If this man won't make it work long distance with you, you shouldn't be moving and having a family with him anyway.

Has he started his divorce yet? Is he still living with his wife? You really mustn't have a child with a man you've only been seeing (and infrequently at that) for a short time. Time to double up on contraception until you are sure this has legs. Definitely don't start a family with him until his divorce is sorted out!

[Applecrumbling]

That's better Cabrina. I'm not selfish. I want happiness like anyone does. My exh actions were selfish.
If I ask new man to move here then the same applies the other way. Seems it's doomed.

[Cabrinha]

I'm very passionate about this OP, but I'm also aware that I'm brow beating a bit because of that - when you're going through a fucking awful time.
I am, as I said before, really sorry for your pregnancy loss

You ask how do you decide?
I would just advise - you don't decide anything when you're in the middle of having lost a baby. It must be extra hard to be so far apart right now when you must want his support
You also don't decide anything when you've only known him 10 months, and when he's not divorced.
Give yourself some time.

[Cabrinha]

His grounds would be under the Children Act 1989 and it's promotion of the welfare of the child.
If I were him, I would argue that your move was not a financial or practical necessity and would damage my child's right to a relationship with me.
If the number of days your son goes to his father is the same as specified in your child contact arrangements on divorce, you would also need to apply to the court (if he disagreed) to vary that order.

If the court still let you move (and they might) then I sure as hell would not be using my time and petrol driving for 3.5 hours 2x every other weekend for the contact. I would insist you do 14 hours driving EOW - I think the court would back that, I have read a few times on here that it's usually onus on the one moving away to do the travel.

You say your ex might let you. That still doesn't convince me personally. My XH would have, in the immediate aftermath of split, let me take her abroad with vague promises of flying her back a weekend a month and some holidays. It's not about what he would have agreed to, but what is best for the child. And I still think that the ideal is to have two good parents in "every day" contact with their child, doing real parenting, cleaning school shoes and checking homework - not weekend visits.

[RealityCheque]

Of course he would have 'grounds'.

You can't just fuck off to the other side of the country, reduce your sons contact with his father, and inflict the best part of a days travelling on your son EOW without any comeback.

Women with selfish attitudes like yours piss me right off and give all a bad name.

[RealityCheque]

Cabrinha

Your daughter sounds incredibly lucky to have you as a mother. Your story should genuinely be an inspiration and a benchmark in parenting for all.

[Applecrumbling]

That's you though and your choice. As I said I'm not making any rash decisions. I'm not sure he has any grounds to 'block me' or if he even would...

[Cabrinha]

It's not about how your XH behaved when he left you, though - it's the here and now, the relationship you want your child to have with his father. And he may say he would move for work - but he hasn't.

It's all very well for other posters to bring up military fathers... but that's not ideal. Plenty of kids do just fine without a dad at all but let's not have a race to the bottom.

Like a PP, yes I'm bringing my own history to this. Don't we all?
My XH is an arsehole, turned out he fucked prostitutes our entire relationship. Possibly in the fancy hotel the night before our wedding, which we then shared on our wedding night He was utterly shit with our small child - really lazy, did nothing with her if I was around to do it.

I'd moved 3 hours away to his town, have a killer commute and - if I don't leave my company - am forced by location to tread water career wise. That said, I'm treading water in warm shallows - I like my job and am paid well. But the mammoth commute fucks my personal life about big style.

With one phone call to my boss, I could have relocated with my daughter, doubled my salary with a relocation abroad and had a hefty chunk of school fees paid for her. And got a nice chunk of maintenance from a largely absent father. And had more time in my personal life and more career opportunities.

I chose to stay.
My daughter now has a great relationship with her dad - partly because he had to step up with having her, mostly because he got a GF with a daughter and turned Disney Dad (like, actually taking her to Disney for a fortnight when previous summer he's managed 2 night holiday when he wasn't trying to impress the GF) I digress...

All of this - I'm not a martyr, I'm happy here too. I haven't trashed my life for her relationship with him. But I definitely prioritised her long term relationship with her father over me, and my chances of meeting someone with my resulting lack of free time. I'm glad I did. (and I have met someone who loves me enough to work with my time constraints)

I just think you have to think REALLY carefully before taking away regular and frequent contact between a parent and child. And as I said before - I'd go to court to block you.

[Applecrumbling]

Also can I mention exh has no issues moving if it was for his job... He has told me that.

[Applecrumbling]

Autumn leave are pretty. No I'm not expecting new man to provide for me. I've provided solely for myself for 7 ish years. I have a large amount of equity in my house and I would get a job if I moved there..

[Applecrumbling]

Whatuseeiswhatyouget has hit the nail on the head completely. This is exactly where I am. My exh left me, after relate councelling with our 18 month old son, no discussion then and rented a flat without my knowledge. He has moved on. I'm still in the marital home, in the same job, getting by.. The pain at times I've felt has been unbearable.
I am not going to make rash decisions, hence I'm on here 'airing' it.. I want to hear all views so I can balance things up in my own mind.
I'm not denying I'd love another child- but I'd come to terms with not. Perhaps it won't happen but there is an opportunity there. Yes I'm nearly 40 so perhaps only a few years left..
I agree re travelling for my son. Equally he has a daughter, only 5..
I'm trying to think positively and sensibly how we can work it to weigh up all options. I don't want to end it but understand I may have to.
He and his ex have separated amicably and she is accepting of me. We are taking the kids on a short holiday over Easter (separate accommodation) but together.
I also don't want to spend precious time wasting my time.. If he was here with me I'd definitely move in with him and give it a shot.
My exh doesn't attend parents evenings, he doesn't discuss our son with me..
The abusive relationship was one hell of a mistake but it is very different with new man... 9 months in yes, I know it's early. I've been in a relationship 13 years, new man 15 years and of course I worry where he is in his own mind.. I just don't know what to do longer term..

[Belikethat]

How many miles away is it? It must be the other end of the country if it takes 3.5 hours.

I don't think it's fair on a child to make that journey, even every other weekend. My dc would never cope with that. I drive my dc across a city during rush hour on a Friday and it's horrendous (not far in miles but traffic stop start all the way.)

It sounds like you really want a child and as you are nearly 40 I imagine you want to get on with it. If it wasn't for that I would say it is far too early to be planning to move
in with someone.

Long distance relationships are hard. I wouldn't do it with dc myself although of course you deserve to be happy. Would it make your boy happy though?

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

It shouldn't even be a decision you are contemplating.

If the new man wants a future he has to understand your son needs to stay close to his dad. Chuldren should always come first. Plenty of time for adults to do as they please when children leave home.

It's isnt even a year and you're already having unsafe sex with a pregnancy, thinking of moving hours away and making him provide for you.

[Cabrinha]

Tbf to the OP, she has said she's only thinking about this and isn't ready to do it yet, and wanted experiences. So I think she knows it's a bad idea.

My experience is of making the decision to stay local. As I mentioned above, you wouldn't believe my commute! (it's so far it's on a sodding plane!) But my experience is this - much as I hate my prick of an ex - my daughter has a fab and close relationship with us both, and is never stuck in a car for hours, and never misses friends' birthday parties.

[AnyFucker]

So, let me get this right.

After a failed marriage (not blaming you, just stating a fact) and a disastrous abusive relationship you are seriously considering moving your son half way across the country to be near some bloke who is actually still married and you have been seeing for 10 months ?

Have a really good think about whether you think this can have anything other than a poor outcome for your son.

[expatinscotland]

'Honestly, I'd go to court over it if it were me.'

I would, too.

[Cabrinha]

And your comment about being happy to meet half way EOW for contact...
Well, that's your choice to have two 7 hour drives EOW, but you're forcing that on your son and ex too!
Frankly if my ex did this I'd tell him to fuck right off and do ALL the driving. He'll only see his son EOW and now 2 big chunks of that will be taken up with driving. It's shit.

If you're going to spend 7 hours driving EOW, let it be to your boyfriend's house. You can meet midweek by doing half the drive each, or him moving closer to reduce that.

[Cabrinha]

And yes your son would adapt - but he shouldn't have to.
Honestly, I'd go to court over it if it were me.
It's hard to put my finger on it, but I'm uncomfortable with you saying that you're "reasonable" with your ex about contact - that's not a good thing, that's just how it should be.

Anyway, you've only been seeing him 10 months - too soon to make a decision this big I think, because of the kids.

[Cabrinha]

EOW + mid weeks to just EOW.
I personally think that changes the relationship from a day to day in his life, to a visitor. And I think it's best for child to have both parents playing a regular part in their lives.
EOW at a distance means the father can't nip off work early for parents evening or school play. A distance means the son can't keep doing the same clubs whichever parent he is with, it means missing social events.

I put my money where my mouth is - I have a fucking killer commute to stay in the same town as my child's father. I think it's better for her.

[expatinscotland]

your exh might oppose such a move via the courts.

[Cabrinha]

Posted too soon!

[Cabrinha]

I don't think it's reasonable though to change contact from EOW + 1 or 2 midweeks