People in happy relationships: please give me advice

[genuineoriginalusername]

I have used an old username for this

I am just curious because my relationship history has been quite rocky. I've had some great partners, and sadly didn't realise at the time, and tried endlessly to make things work with others when it was really doomed from the start.
I don't trust my own judgement now, and I can't help but analyse my relationships all the time. So I want to ask, if you are in a happy relationship. How does it feel? Do you love each other all the time? If not, how do you deal with the periods when you don't love each other? How do you deal with the bits that you don't like about your partner?
I want to commit to my current partner, but I can't help having doubts sometimes. Obviously, its not perfect, but I think it could be good. But questioning it all the time is tiring for both of us. How do you make this commitment in your head and stop questioning your feelings?!

[Chocolatteaddict1]

You do have to be in a certain place with yourself.

I'd had a 20 years of failed relationships and when I gave up and started to like myself I met Dh. I too looked back on failed relationships and thought actually it went that bad. But it it ain't there it ain't there.

Dh caught me off guard, I did not want a relationship at this point ( the first time ever I was not looking for one) .

People were surprised I got with Dh because although he was lovely he was quite scruffy and packing a few pound. I normally went for clean shaven gym heads but He is the most beautiful, funniest, caring, generous, patience, loving man I know. He has his faults but I need/want this man in my life. He never judges me, he is my best friends.

Life would be shit and unfunny with him around.

I know one zillion % I want to be with him.

You would too if you felt it.

[Mrskeats]

We have only been together a year but can honestly say it's by far the best relationship I've had ( we live together yes i know it was fast! )
He enhances my life every day and he's absolutely my favourite person to spend time with
We've both been married and I've had rocky relationships as you have
A good partner should make you feel loved and valued and as others have said similar values and interests are very important too,
Thinking now I don't think I've ever really trusted a man before but I do this time

[crazyhead]

For me, the difference between my adored DH and my previous (several) wrong relationships is I don't think about it.

Things just are ok and there is no nagging voice in my i My ex boyfriends all had good qualities but fundamentally I just couldn't relax - the questions were always there. Now they aren't.

[crazyhead]

i = head

[TheSnowFairy]

This for me too!

'Dh caught me off guard, I did not want a relationship at this point ( the first time ever I was not looking for one) .'

We have been married 17 years, 3 DC. Had our ups and downs (especially when DC were babies - I found that period really hard). Now they are older and are approaching the teenage years it is easier!

I trust DH, he makes me laugh, he's reliable and he is definitely my best friend.

It just... works.

[Mouseinahole]

Being with my dh is being home wherever we are. It is absolutely safe, comfortable and trustworthy. It is knowing I can say and do what I feel with no judgement. There are cuddles, conversations and mutual consideration.
He will be 80 soon and I am very afraid.

[haveacupoftea]

It is natural to go through phases where the attraction and love fades. Even during this time though you'll have an unshakeable faith that you should be together. But then, one night you'll say for to the pub, you'll be dressed all nice, he'll be in good form, you'll have amazing drunk sex and wake up grinning from ear to ear. And as Example says, the love kick starts again

[Muskateersmummy]

For me the big thing is can you picture your life without him?

I have been married 6 years, together nearly 8. He annoys the crap out of me, often! We don't agree on everything (by a long stretch!) but I know when the chips are down we have each other's back. We are a team. And no matter what we get through things together. When something good or bad happens he is the first person I want to tell. If I picture the future he is always in it. I simply cannot imagine my life without him in it. That's not something I could have said for any of my previous partners.

[headinhands]

Do you get excited about seeing him? Do you love talking about things with him? Do you want to make him feel loved? Regardless of everything else if you can answer these you're on to a winner.

[BertieBotts]

Yes. You definitely have to be in the right place for this kind of relationship. That doesn't mean your mental health has to be 100% perfect but there is a self component to it if that makes sense.

I find that the love I feel for DH is like the love I feel for my family. It's not the same feeling as the excitement at the beginning of a relationship. It's more stable and sure too.

[Muskateersmummy]

bertie I have never heard it described that way before, but now you say it that's exactly the way I feel about dh.

[CoffeeAndOranges]

'It's getting better' by Mama Cass sums up my feelings about DH as time goes by.

It's about how love changes and grows and gets better over time.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=_jObimSM1-c

Not sure if that link will work but you can google it!!

[stumblymonkey]

So to your OP questions...

How does it feel?

Now that the 'excitement' and 'mystery' have worn off it feels like coming home. It's comfortable, easy, comforting and safe. We're affectionate with each other, we want the same things from life, we never argue as we talk things through, we laugh together and enjoy doing the same kind of things in our free time.


Do you love each other all the time?

Yes...I love him all the time. That's not to say he never irritates me...he has annoying habits (and I'm sure I do too)....but there's never a point where I don't love him or think that I would genuinely be better off without him.

I have my moments of looking back at single life and thinking how exciting and spontaneous and comparably glamorous things were but then I realise I'm looking at things through rose tinted glasses and I was also sometimes lonely and overall I'm happier and more contented with DP.

How do you deal with the bits that you don't like about your partner?

They are generally just little annoying habits/things like: sometimes he goes into waaaay too much detail when I ask him a question rather than getting to the point, he doesn't wipe his nose but sniffs instead and sometimes when we kiss I feel his wet nose (ewww), he creates a ridiculous amount of dishes for one person, he could shower more often.

I just focus on the fact that everyone has annoying habits, if I met someone else they'd have annoying habits too you just don't know what they are at first. Also that I'm sure I must do things that similarly annoy him.

Overall he is a loyal, honest, kind, caring man who I enjoy spending time with. I choose (as in actually consciously choose) to focus on his good points instead of any little habits.

[stumblymonkey]

What is it that makes you doubt the relationship?

At the moment you've only expressed doubt but haven't articulated really where that doubt is coming from...


Are there particular character traits or habits?

What is it that is happening in the dynamic of the relationship that makes you think the partnership isn't working?

It sounds pretty relevant that you doubt your own choices a lot in all areas of your life...have you ever spoken to a counsellor about it?

[Piemernator]

I have been with DH for 20 years

DH and I have the exact same view on money and almost the exact same view on child rearing though I'm stricter.

There is also the approach to actual coupledom. One of my friends does everything with her DH and it suits them both. If DH and I had lived like this we would not be together as I must have my own space and he is the same.He is off to Germany next week. My friend would be fretting whereas I will relish sometime without him.

My male friend is married to an incredibly nice woman who is a wonderful mother and keeps house and bakes beautifully. But he has told DH and I that he is bored rigid with her as she is boring and they have only been together for about four years. They are not intellectually matched at all. DH and I will never bore of each other though we may annoy each other.

I always think you should be able to speak about irritations without fear and discuss things in a mature manner. You should also be able to have the ocassional row. DH and I had our annual argument recently, it was awful and we were both like wounded beasts licking our paws for a couple of days afterwards. But equilibrium is now restored.

[All0vertheplace]

This is a really eye-opening thread for me, as I look at my current relationship (been together 15 years or so). I've been (super-rationally) making two lists in a Word doc as I read through this thread. One list are the positive traits I feel are present in our relationship:

Has my back.
Wants to love me & kids.
Has good intentions.
Kind & reliable, committed to family.
Says I am attractive/funny/smart.
OH is objectively attractive/smart/intellectually curious/a good friend to others.

[All0vertheplace]

And then there are the negatives (also includes positive qualities people have listed that I realise are absent, or that made me think "Hmmm" or "Ahh, that would be nice.")

Our dynamic is not easy or comfortable. Prickly.
We make each other tea but we don’t make each other happy.
Not loving/romantic/passionate/sexual.
Doesn’t make me laugh.
“Treasure each other?” Hmm.
Different interests. (Some crossover.)
“Fancy the pants off each other”?
“Favourite person in the whole world”?
Occasional deep-rooted resentment/mistrust.
Look forward to time alone.
Lack of forgiveness, long-standing grudges.
Not good together in a crisis.
I feel appreciated, but also at times resented/disliked.
Feel more fully ‘myself’ with other people.
"Could talk for hours"? Hmm.
"Makes me feel good"? Sometimes.
Shrink instead of grow.
"Being with my dh is being home wherever we are. It is absolutely safe, comfortable and trustworthy. It is knowing I can say and do what I feel with no judgement. There are cuddles, conversations and mutual consideration." Ahhh, nice.
“A team”? Hmm.
“Do you get excited about seeing him? Do you love talking about things with him?” Hmmm.
“I always think you should be able to speak about irritations without fear and discuss things in a mature manner.” Hmm.

[All0vertheplace]

Just wanted to thank everyone for sharing so honestly. It's really given me some food for thought.

[Joysmum]

DH and I have been together 22 years, had a failed relationship before that and then friends after so have been close for 28 years

We actually have very little in common! Chalk and cheese.

I married him because I knew I could make him happy and help him grow as a person into whatever he wanted to be. I didn't marry him/stay with him because of what he could do for me.

I think for me the key thing is in knowing that you both love each other with all your heart and them demo starting that you are the most important thing in the world to them. Bith if us are better people for having each other in our lives.

[Robotgirl]

This is a brilliant thread. Might add to it later .....

[buckingfrolicks]

allover your list of negatives describes my 18 year relationship, and I'm definitely more unhappy than happy, within that relationship

This is an insightful thread that has given me a lot of pause for thought, thanks all

[murasaki]

Intellectually curious is important for me - DP works in a manual labour job (although well paid, he is very good at what he does), and has only 1 gcse - school wasn't his bag. But reads the news and books voraciously, we talk about all manner of stuff, so that works.

He makes me feel safe, and attractive, and I do him, I think. we laugh a hell of a lot, and have fun. We've just moved in together and are both nesting a bit (not for kids, not our bag) but for us, making the garden nice, buying art, generally having fun. it's good.

And so different to my past marriage, where I felt thick and boring, and ExH was on paper so much more suitable.

My parents clearly like DP a lot, as they see I am happy, as does my sis. which is good.

[Robotgirl]

AnnaRose

You have to really really REALLY love each other. And that has to be very obvious to both.

Otherwise it's just a convenient friendship.

I think you've nailed it with this.
You've made me think a lot.
Can I steal it?

[Annarose2014]

Sure!

I'm dead wise, me.

[Robotgirl]

Cheers AnnaRose