DS unhappy and feel I am partly to blame

[Loveneverdies]

This is really hard for me to write so please be kind bit honest. I lost my DH to a heart attack 11 years ago had a DD aged 12 and DS 19 then at university. We all went through a lot including financial worries almost lost the house and grief. Extended family kept their distance, fortunately some good friends rallied around. Through all this and for years after DS was my rock and the person without whom I could never have got through it. He is amd always has been a very caring and grown up young man. He moved back after university and got a job not his dream one but one that would lead to a good career. Fortunately we live in a part of the country where jobs are to be found. He was working really hard as was I amd he helped with bills, paid rent etc. If I am honest I came to rely on him like a husband and didn't exactly encourage him to move out and make his own life. Add to this my grieving DD was a terribly difficult teen and in his 20s DS had to deal with this and she would barely acknowledge him or accept his authority. He worked worked worked and helped me plan my finances, drove his sister around and generally had the life of a forty not twenty something. He did socialise but well realistically it was curtailed as public transport isn't great where we live to get to the local station. He qualified in his field and started looking for a place a few years later and moved out into his own flat aged 28. I am so ashamed to admit I was a nightmare possessive mother and didn't even make this easy for him. His friends had all moved out years before. He continued to help with bills and so on even though he has his own mortgage now. He is 30 now and I overheard him saying to a family friend how hard it was for him having early responsibilities. He has a good job but doesn't much like it and I think he feels he will never have a personal life as his 20s passed him by and people seem to have moved on. Again I am mortified to confess I never made it easy for him that way too and he never brought anyone home partly because there was such a bad atmosphere and he felt I would want him all to myself. Life is a bit easier now but I wish things had been different. Am I a bad mother?

[BeyonceRiRiMadonnna]

Tiger I doubt/hope OP set out to "abuse" her son.

We all react to death differently.....

[mumsonthelash]

I wouldn't write to him it's too formal. Talk to him be cheerful don't make any of it about you. I'm sure he's suffered enough without some letter bringing up the past.

[PovertyPain]

Choceclair

Some of the posters here are talking from personnel experience and that's why the OP is getting the honest answers she'd asked for.

[Loveneverdies]

Honestly I am just thinking what can I do to help him be happy now. He isn't happy he is a long way from it. Anything I can do even if it involves signing out of his life for a bit I will. What caused my change of heart? I was told by a family friend he had had a conversation with them about a wedding he went to. This was apparently a woman he had loved from afar for a long time and she went off with someone else. I can't imagine his family situation exactly helped him declare his feelings, but he did, eventually and she said something alomg the lines of "if you had said something ten years ago but I now love someone else so no". I wasnt I know supposed to know about this but the person in question obviously saw his suffering and decided I needed to know. I sat and thought about everytying and what a selfish b*h I have been. All I read on here is stuff about how awful my husband/partner is or I cant find anyone and then you see him with no self confidence and heartbroken so he plans to move abroad and well I saw my behaviour for what it was.

[moopymoodle]

It sounds like a sad situation that led to a lot of bad choices on your part. Bad mother, no. I'm sure throughout your son's life you made plenty of great choices.

Apologise and change. Let him know the burden has lifted. Take no money from him and ask for nothing. He's only 30 he has his whole life ahead of him.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I don't get the feeling that anyone here 'hates' you, OP.

Speaking for myself, I'm sorry for your loss and I also feel very sorry that it took you so long to realise that relying on your ds to fill the gap left by your dh's sudden death was harmful to both of your dc who should have been free to grieve for their df without being expected to take on the burden of your grief.

[Iamdobby63]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your son finished uni and moved home afterwards, most grads do. Although it was hard you didn't stop him from moving out later.

Who can judge on the right way to behave during grief? Your son sounds like a super sensitive person and those kind of people usually take on roles because they are sensitive to others feelings and needs and unfortuately being this way they are also deep thinkers and usually lack confidence.

You can't change the past but you can tell him just how special he is and how you appreciate the role he took and your acknowledgment that it couldn't have been easy.

When there are issues with our children I don't think there is a mother out there who doesn't beat themselves up.... It's always the mothers fault right!

Just support any future plans he has and try to put a positive outlook across for his future plans.

And finally, did he ever have any counselling? Might be good for him.

Wish you all the best.

[wannabestressfree]

I agree with the others but now it's time to move forward. Being self pitying isn't going to help. You say he is moving abroad can you take the opportunity to thank him for his sacrifice and give him something financially? Reassure him that you are fine and now is his time.....

[starry0ne]

I think you have made some very bad parenting choices... You now are aware of it... its what you do from here that matters...

I think you do need to apologize ... I think you need to plan how you move forward without his support...

How you support him finding his independence is one for you to consider he is 30 now and needs to make his own choices

[Haffdonga]

My parents made a fairly major mistake during my teenhood that has affected me since. Two things have helped me get on happily with my life since.

1. They have admitted that it was a mistake and apologised.
   
2. They have told me how proud they are of me (when I'd never really realised they were.)
   

You can't change how you behaved back then, but you can admit to your ds that you are sorry for your mistakes. You can also tell him how amazing he is and how proud you are of him. He really does sound an incredible young man, the way he stepped up and took on the role of responsible adult supporting you and his sister.

Have you ever thanked him? Have you ever told him how incredibly grateful you are for what he's done in the past and proud of what he is now?

Sorry if I'm wrong but you do sound a bit down on him even now. He's unconfident. He doesn't attract girls. His job's not as good as it could have been. This probably isn't helping his confidence even if you're thinking not saying. Why not use his going abroad as a chance to tell him how proud you are of him and how happy you are that he's moving forward with his life?

[goddessofsmallthings]

and then you see him with no self confidence and heartbroken

So lacking in self confidence that he recently declared himself to a woman he'd fancied from afar years ago even though she's now happily married? (It takes a certain kind of balls bravado to do that if it's not in jest). So lacking in self-confidence that he's been in continuous employment since leaving uni, was able to disentangle himself from your clutches when he bought his own flat and moved into it, and has made plans to relocate abroad with all of the putting himself 'out there' this entails?

Are you sure he's heartbroken or are you projecting your own misery onto him? Be careful, OP - you're in danger of sounding like the Lady of Shalott.

[Cabrinha]

Are you sure he has no confidence?
He moved out, moved on, developed a career - he's moving abroad! That takes confidence, especially moving away.

Agree that you need to NOT pull the "I'm a bad mother" (subtext: now you get to reassure me that I'm not) conversation out. My mum would do that

Do not look for forgiveness yet. Just TALK to him.

Not wanting to kick you whilst you're down... what about your daughter? Not fair for her either to have had to accept a brother as an authority figure. Your household didn't need a man-of-the-house.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

[Loveneverdies]

Haffdonga about me being down on him now. I have never and will never be anything other than immensely proud of him and everything he has achieved in the face of terrible adversity that would have sunk a lesser person. When he was growing up he had his father's illheath, frequent unemployment and desperate financial problems all around him. He worked hard at school, never got into trouble and got into Oxford. This from a boy from a council house background. What happened after was totally wrong I know. He has endured 2 decades of hell and deserves to live. I never said I thought he could have done better in his job, more that I know it is not his passion and he would have been happier if he had followed his heart not just thought about money and helping us. He has done magnificently it is just that noone especially here in the London area ever controls for the disadvantages someone has had. As for girls, all I know is he is shy and just when he was coming out of himself he was pulled back like an elastic band. I only hope the person he one day meets makes him so happy and he her that it will make up in some way for his lost years.

[jonquil1]

He's relocating abroad for a while? YAYY! Please be happy, over the moon even, that life is going to throw him a whole new set of experiences out in the wide and wonderful world, and tell him so.

Ffsdon't write to him, why would you do that?! What's wrong with telling him how grateful you are for the years of support he's given you and send him on his way with love?

And buy him something for his trip, nice bit of luggage, whatever.

Your daughter must be of an age now, also, to make her own life choices. Let her.

Remember the Philip larkin poem- the one that starts "they fuck you up your mum and dad, they may not mean to, but they do..."

You've written it here. Now go back and read what you've written. And then..? Who knows.

All the best to you, and particularly to your son.

...

[goddessofsmallthings]

I think you underestimate your ds and don't seem to realise that getting 'into Oxford' is an achievement that has imbued him with, and will continue to be source of, confidence for the rest of his life.

Tell him he's followed the money and now it's time for him to follow his dreams.

As for what you perceive to be his shyness, I suspect he's a deep thinker who does nothing in haste and he's much to be admired for possessing this quality, which may been his birthright or he may have acquired through the '2 decades of hell' you claim he was subjected to.

If you try to look at life through a less maudlin lens your ds will take his cue from you and set off for pastures new with a light heart and a fond goodbye.

[Footle]

Good posts from goddess.

[thefourgp]

My husband's uncle died when his uncle's children (dd and ds) were teenagers and I've noticed that his son has turned into a replacement husband. My husband's aunt does everything for him - cooking his meals, washing his clothes etc and he's a grown man in his 30s now. He's clearly deeply unhappy and gets crazy drunk at family gatherings but I'm not sure if anyone else sees why he's so unhappy. She signs all birthday cards/ Xmas cards from them both as though they were a couple. They go on holiday together etc. I don't think he's ever had a proper relationship either. It's great that your son had the confidence to move out and be an independent child regardless of your difficult relationship. I hope he finds someone that makes him happy in the future. X

[mumofthemonsters808]

Not in my eyes, you did the best you could in very difficult, awful circumstances, where your options were limited.Yes, things could have been done differently and maybe you placed unreasonable demands on young shoulders, but in the midst of grief, you did what you thought was right in order to keep your family functioning. Its very easy to look back and pinpoint our own mistakes and regrets, but it changes nothing, you'd be better focusing your energy on moving forward. Your son is a credit to you, he sounds amazing.

[thefourgp]

* independent adult *

[Haffdonga]

I'm glad you feel proud of your ds.

I find it interesting that out of all the many very good questions and points raised on this thread, the one you chose to answer was my question about whether you were feeling 'down' on your ds. A lot of what you have said is very negative about yourself. Could you be depressed? ( I'm a terrible mother. Everyone hates me. I've been a selfish bitch ).

A lot of posters have suggested you tell your ds how proud you are of him, how grateful you are for his past help and how happy you are that he's taking an exciting new step now.

Have you ever told him?

[Loveneverdies]

I have never told him. I honestly cannot say why as I think about it all the time. My DD is 23 now, conflicted and in some ways her relationships with men have been I think affected by all that happened but she is far far more outgoing and sort of lighthearted than DS. I guess she never had the same burdens he did. She is ok and she will be ok, she was too young to be as affected as he was by seeing his Dad fall apart and breakdown, walk out on jobs etc

[Haffdonga]

Now's your chance.

[Loveneverdies]

It is hard, so hard. The person you most want to be free in life and you held them back. But I am just thinking about how hard it was for him. Miraculous really he made it through it all with me holding him back

[SoThatHappened]

i had similar with my mum. Terrible choices in my teens, preyed on me in my twenties to sort her shit out. No apologies, no acknowledgement.

I dont think you understand the stress it causes. Frantic messages at uni saying ring me now! When I had the uni summer holidays coming to an end she was saying....oh no, not losing you again.

It extremely selfish and I am still not over it now.

[Roussette]

Why on earth haven't you told him?

My DCs are a similar age and I have told them before more than once! how immensely proud I am of them. Something will trigger my outpouring of proudness (usually a new job for one of them, or getting recognition or anything really) and I end up blubbing as I try to put into words how wonderful I think they have done.

If you really are as proud of him as you say, I can't imagine how you can keep it to yourself and not tell him this.

He really needs to know this from you and I have no idea why you are holding back.

You keep saying how much you held him back, now's the chance to acknowledge this with him and tell him all that you have told us.

He sounds a wonderful lad.