DS unhappy and feel I am partly to blame

[Loveneverdies]

This is really hard for me to write so please be kind bit honest. I lost my DH to a heart attack 11 years ago had a DD aged 12 and DS 19 then at university. We all went through a lot including financial worries almost lost the house and grief. Extended family kept their distance, fortunately some good friends rallied around. Through all this and for years after DS was my rock and the person without whom I could never have got through it. He is amd always has been a very caring and grown up young man. He moved back after university and got a job not his dream one but one that would lead to a good career. Fortunately we live in a part of the country where jobs are to be found. He was working really hard as was I amd he helped with bills, paid rent etc. If I am honest I came to rely on him like a husband and didn't exactly encourage him to move out and make his own life. Add to this my grieving DD was a terribly difficult teen and in his 20s DS had to deal with this and she would barely acknowledge him or accept his authority. He worked worked worked and helped me plan my finances, drove his sister around and generally had the life of a forty not twenty something. He did socialise but well realistically it was curtailed as public transport isn't great where we live to get to the local station. He qualified in his field and started looking for a place a few years later and moved out into his own flat aged 28. I am so ashamed to admit I was a nightmare possessive mother and didn't even make this easy for him. His friends had all moved out years before. He continued to help with bills and so on even though he has his own mortgage now. He is 30 now and I overheard him saying to a family friend how hard it was for him having early responsibilities. He has a good job but doesn't much like it and I think he feels he will never have a personal life as his 20s passed him by and people seem to have moved on. Again I am mortified to confess I never made it easy for him that way too and he never brought anyone home partly because there was such a bad atmosphere and he felt I would want him all to myself. Life is a bit easier now but I wish things had been different. Am I a bad mother?

Its bad that you havent told him how proud you are of him, really bad.

You've taken a lot and you havent even given him the crumbs of praise in return?!

I was a parent to my parents because of illness. I loved them dearly but it was terrible. But at least they constanstly said how proud tney were of me and how they knew it wasnt normal and how much they wished it was different. It was scant consolation at the time but at least I knew my efforts were appreciated by them.

He doesnt even know you're proud of him FFS! Thats very poor form on your part. God knows if you'll ever have the balls to rectify it and actaully say it to him.

Thank God he's heading off. For the love of god, try to be different after he's gone and in your communication with him so he's not wearily making his wat back home after just a year as "Mum needs me".

Yes, stop telling us, tell him.

You sound a bit depressed. You can't change the past but you do have some insight. Now that you know better you can do better.

I think what would most help your son is if you work on yourself and let him see a happy, strong woman who is enjoying life and doesn't need to depend on him.

Try not to indulge yourself with comments like "You all hate me" and if you are depressed get help. It will not help him to see you beating yourself up about the past.

Let your son know you are proud of him and show interest and enthusiasm about his move abroad.

I would avoid any downbeat talk about his lack of confidence.

The occasion will come up in normal conversation for you to thank him for all he has done for you and to apologise for having lent on him too heavily-but I would try to do this in natural conversation rather than making a big announcement.

Your son is still young-many people grow in confidence through their thirties. You still have the chance to do things differently.

Tbh op, your DS could be blaming you ( & the whole situation ) for his ordinary humdrum life when it may have nothing to do with it - would he have been a rock star/astronaut/ prime minister if things had been different? I doubt it.
He did what any caring son would do in that situation, he helped you. It's not your fault he didn't get to marry a spice girl so please stop beating yourself up about this.

Why on earth are you saying please don't do this to posters who quite clearly wouldn't.

Maybe for the benefit of lurkers? Mor people who haven't commented yet?

But the op struggled with the death of her husband and unruly DD.

She struggled to cope despite being an adult and mother. So she leant on her son who WAS ill equipped to cope. She should have supported him....he lost his dad too.

She should be beating herself up as should my mother.

What good will beating herself up do? Her son will have a depressed mother to contend with. Apologising and doing better in the future would be more constructive.

It's not about beating oneself up. It's about fully embracing the past and taking responsibility for your actions. If you don't examine where you';ve been and what went wrong, how can you move forward to do better?

Your DS is only 30! He has his whole life before him! Make sure he knows how grateful you are fir his support and that, thanks to him, you can manage alone. Set him free.

That's important Ziggy but different from beating yourself up.

OP has already made a start on acknowledging her mistakes but she is beginning to wallow in guilt (I can see you all hate me etc). This will lead to depression and help no-one, especially her son.

She knows she has over depended on him and restricted his opportunities. The best thing she can do is to stop doing it set him free and be happy so he doesn't feel responsible for her.

Cross posted with the "set him free"!

Perhaps his lack of confidence is because he takes after you- I would think being the 'man of the house' would boost his confidence, if you couldn't cope after being widowed I would assume you lack confidence.
You prob need counselling, he does too imv , he must have some hidden resentment.
Is it him going abroad which is making you realise how much you will miss him? You need to sort out your own life and wish him a great future

Nothing good at all has come of this situation and I can only hope that the future will be better and he won't be judged by others as he may feel he has been because of his lack of experience

I think that if you'd really done him that much damage, he wouldn't have the self-confidence to do something big like going abroad. It's really great that he's made that decision and I hope you will (at last) let him go and do his own thing. My mother sounds really like you. I ran away to the US and have a great life here, but she is a continual burden to me and source of guilt - I am very determined about not coming back, but it is hard. Don't be like her and I think it will all be fine.

It sounds like it's still all about you.

Having had something similar (not with my mum) I escaped at a very early age and never went back. It damaged the whole relationship and it never recovered. If I had of stayed, I would have ended up like your son.

Luckily, I had a like minded friend and we pulled each other through it. She had been a child carer for years (purposely made one) and left to try and regain a life and education.

You can't turn back time sadly, what you do from now on will count for something.

There is still a note of depression in your posts. Its possible,if you are depressed, that you are over emphasising your responsibility for any problems you perceive that your son may have. Of course we don't know that and you may indeed have piled inappropriate responsibility on him.

As others have said he is still only 30 and you could be alive until he is 60. You can't change the past but you can change the future.
He is 30-many people lack experience at 30-you still both have a lot of time.

Take responsibility for your own life and happiness and let him follow his own path. That way he will have positive memories of you later to offset earlier difficulties.

It sounds like some individual counselling for yourself could help.

How are you doing. Do you have a rewarding job or are you enthusiastic about any project or hobby?

I have a mother similar to you in many ways and only very recently (she is in her early 70s and I am in my early 40s) she has started to let go, and the relationship has improved massively. I also went abroad young to escape the obsessive situation, however it didn't help THAT much as she behaved in a similar way - alternating between "woe is me, I have been such a bad mother, you don't love me" to trying to manipulate me into lots of stuff.

The best thing you can do is get a life of your own, get a job, a number of hobbies, some new friends, go to some local associations to volunteer - in this way you will truly be independent and have something to share with your son. My mum has only just started doing this now and it's still not too late. Good luck if you are still reading.

Not in my eyes, you did the best you could in very difficult, awful circumstances, where your options were limited.Yes, things could have been done differently and maybe you placed unreasonable demands on young shoulders, but in the midst of grief, you did what you thought was right in order to keep your family functioning. Its very easy to look back and pinpoint our own mistakes and regrets, but it changes nothing, you'd be better focusing your energy on moving forward. Your son is a credit to you, he sounds amazing. Tell him how much you appreciated what he did Now let him go.

I'm pleased this thread has turned kinder. Look after yourself OP-you had a difficult time too.

I think that if you'd really done him that much damage, he wouldn't have the self-confidence to do something big like going abroad.

Or he's conscious of not wasting more of his life.
Look after herself? That's all the op has ever done.

I have a very close relationship with my mother, but she does this too.

If I broke up with a boyfriend: "oh dear, is it because he didn't like me?" NO, MUM, HE WAS A KNOB.
If I had a moan about my fat arse: "oh no, is it because you've inherited my genes?" NO, MUM, I EAT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.
If I had a fall-out with a mate: "oh no, is it because we had so little conflict at home that you're really bad at confrontation?" NO, MUM, I WAS PMTing.

It sounds very humble and apologetic, but it's actually manipulative because it clearly isn't her fault, so I get diverted away from my own problems to reassure her that she hasn't caused them, and no, she's lovely. I think it's low self-esteem, because she doesn't do it intentionally, but it elbows her firmly back into the centre of my adult life. It's kind of similar to what you're doing here, OP, blaming yourself for your son's current actually very positive situation - let him go, let him live his own life, but at the same time, BUILD YOUR OWN.

You still have a lot of life left to live too - develop some independence and other support networks so when your son does find someone and marry and have a family, he'll want to come back and visit, without the dread that it won't just be him getting sucked back into the hollow space in your life, but also his wife and kids. I don't mean that unkindly.

Looking after herself (without leaning on her son) is the best thing she can do for him.
That will avoid the scenario in the future where she is over involved with her son and his potential family to the point that its a problem for them.

I'm glad he's moving abroad.

I'm not sure you've changed though from the tone of your posts. My Mum talks a good talk about the mistakes she made but still acts exactly the same way.

I'm wondering what you'll be like if a potential DIL arrives on the scene....

Reading this thread has helped me a lot. Seeing how so many people have reacted to a parent treating a child like this has really put things in perspective for me.

My mum did something similar to me when my mum and dad split up (I was 3)...from then on increasingly leaned on me as if I was a partner, emotionally, practically, financially.

I don't blame her as such- she was desperate, lonely, depressed...her father died at the same time her marriage split up. I think she probably had undiagnosed Aspergers or similar looking back. She really struggled. There were decisions in which she very much put me first, and which I am very thankful she did that.

She did also make attempts to move our dynamic on from the dynamic evident between her and her mother (very controlling), with partial success. so it wasn't all one way traffic, a lot of it was needs must in a hostile landscape.

It has shaped a lot of my life, I made a lot of sacrifices, witting and unwitting. For a long time I felt I failed in that I wasn't able to fully support her to be "recover". This thread is helping to lessen that sense of failure. I did my best in a mess that wasn't of my own creation, in which a lot of the adults involved had totally unrealistic and often selfish expectations of me (I include my father and my extended family in that equation as well as my mother).

To the OP, I would say, when she was dying, my mum did apologise to me for having emotionally neglected me as a child. She both thanked me and apologised to me for the amount of support I had to give her. It did mean a lot to me, and has helped me move on since her death. It would have helped more if it had come sooner, if it had happened earlier in my life.

So apologise, express pride in him and gratitude for him. And in word and action set him free.