Living together - need advise

[louhelhop]

Sorry if this is a long mail but I need some advise as not sure what to think...
My boyfriend and I have never been able to agree about living together – he has a 4 bed house plus attic studio and 3 children – only one an 18 year old son lives there full time – the other’s are a girl at uni and a girl who lives with her mum for the majority of the time – he also has a lodger in the studio. I have a 3 bed house and live alone.
I have in the past suggested he gets rid of the lodger to accommodate my stuff but will not as it’s an important revenue stream – I offered to pay the rent but he was not willing in case we split up.
Before Christmas I sent this mail to him:
This is the email we talked about - basically I am asking you to think about how you can accommodate me and all my stuff - what changes are you willing / happy to make - and what maybe you are not so happy about but arent 'deal-breakers' and know that that they are important to me. The 'stuff' isn't just my belongings but - and this is where I find it difficult to express myself but the mental side - in essense I need to feel that I am living in my home - not just staying in your house.
This is his reply:
My thoughts – living together – how we might get there. Move my dining furniture out to the garage. Sell / get rid of the other dining room furniture – move out it to garage whilst wait to sell it – my records etc – all except for the art cupboard. DS moves his bed and chest drawers etc into the dining room – plus we buy a new wardrobe for him (black matching his other bits). The dining room then becomes DS’s Studio. DS’s old room is then completely empty – redecorate – and this space becomes yours for whatever you like. Finances - £87 per week to me, you cover this simply by renting one room at your place. Food shopping bill 60% my cost?
Please can I have your thoughts on it…

[Joysmum]

I would not live with anyone who saw my moving in as a disruption to the household and that I just fit around their life with them making no compromises.

You're not allowed any of your things around you but would have to 'visit' your life by going into a separate room.

That's 50 shades of fucked up. The money aspect is the least of your worries

[WhereYouLeftIt]

You are less important to him than the lodger.

[louhelhop]

To be fair I have dug my heels in to get a room for myself - and made it plain that I would not accept anything less but there were valid reasons for that. The alternative was sharing office space with DS - but he is noisy on his computer when he comes home from school - online gaming etc.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I need to feel that I am living in my home - not just staying in your house. "
C&P'ed from your email to him before Christmas, so over a month ago. OP, his house is never going to be your home. Only his. You are a disruption .

[louhelhop]

Yes but his reply was a couple of weeks ago - have been cogitating over it since

[Isetan]

Let me get this straight, you can't come to an agreement face to face so there has been some back and forth via email. In addition, you were asked to leave the last time you moved in with him because your presence was 'disruptive'. This time around he appears to want to further limit your ability to 'disrupt' his home by keeping your stuff to a bare minimum, although he is willing to accept payment to compensate for the inconvenience of your presence.

I've been there and done that and tried to find solutions to living with someone who liked the convenience of having me around but who wanted to limit the impact my presence had on his setup. I saw every obstacle as some sort of challenge to overcome and his reluctance as fear/ immaturity laziness and never entertained the idea that ultimately, our ideas relating to partnership were very different.

It sounds like you are placing greater symbolism on living together than he is, as evidenced by his idea of you making his home more homely without your things. Has he explained how you're supposed to achieve homeliness without leaving a footprint?

When he called your presence disruptive, what he meant was, he was inconvenienced and limiting his 'inconvenience' was his and should also be your priority.

[AnyFucker]

have you ever met this guy ?

[newyear16]

Sounds too much like a business transaction to me. Why doesn't he move in with you?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

He sounds mean and selfish. What are his good points?

[louhelhop]

He thinks the world of his children and everything he does is about them - he is a very honest and honourable man and very loving and kind - we just have difficulty about this.

[CalleighDoodle]

The difficulty is has attitude towards you.

[Hillfarmer]

He doesn't think the world of you, evidently. Sorry to be blunt. But this:

we just have difficulty about this.

What do you mean just? There's no just about it!

This may be the only problem you have between you... but it is a dealbreaker.

You don't seem to be able to recognise this. It is not one of those 'well we have this small issue that needs to be ironed out and then everything will be perfect...'

This is one of those 'Unless we can sort this huge thing out, our relationship is dead in the water'.

[Lightbulbon]

This is so sad!

Op what has made you loathe yourself so much that you think this is all you deserve?

Loving relationships can't be negotiated like contracts via email.

People who love each other don't charge rent.

[Gfplux]

This appears to be a modern problem where two financially independent people fall in love and DO NOT rush into things.
However we all would have problems like the op if we let our head rule our hearts.