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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Living together - need advise

64 replies

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 12:51

Sorry if this is a long mail but I need some advise as not sure what to think...
My boyfriend and I have never been able to agree about living together – he has a 4 bed house plus attic studio and 3 children – only one an 18 year old son lives there full time – the other’s are a girl at uni and a girl who lives with her mum for the majority of the time – he also has a lodger in the studio. I have a 3 bed house and live alone.
I have in the past suggested he gets rid of the lodger to accommodate my stuff but will not as it’s an important revenue stream – I offered to pay the rent but he was not willing in case we split up.
Before Christmas I sent this mail to him:
This is the email we talked about - basically I am asking you to think about how you can accommodate me and all my stuff - what changes are you willing / happy to make - and what maybe you are not so happy about but arent 'deal-breakers' and know that that they are important to me. The 'stuff' isn't just my belongings but - and this is where I find it difficult to express myself but the mental side - in essense I need to feel that I am living in my home - not just staying in your house.
This is his reply:
My thoughts – living together – how we might get there. Move my dining furniture out to the garage. Sell / get rid of the other dining room furniture – move out it to garage whilst wait to sell it – my records etc – all except for the art cupboard. DS moves his bed and chest drawers etc into the dining room – plus we buy a new wardrobe for him (black matching his other bits). The dining room then becomes DS’s Studio. DS’s old room is then completely empty – redecorate – and this space becomes yours for whatever you like. Finances - £87 per week to me, you cover this simply by renting one room at your place. Food shopping bill 60% my cost?
Please can I have your thoughts on it…

OP posts:

Report

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:44

No its not about furniture. For me its about making a home with him rather than living in his house with him - if I just brought a suitcase it would be the latter. I want some of my beongings around me so that I feel at home. He says I can feel at home by making his house homely - but I want sme of my bits and pieces around me.

OP posts:

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:48

I just left the house as was - it failed because he thought I was not committed and disrupting the household and asked me to leave.

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 07/02/2016 13:53

I'm not sure I understand.

Is the problem that he wants to keep all 'his' stuff other than the dining room furniture and this doesn't leave enough space for 'your' stuff?

Where's he got £87 per week from?

TheVermiciousKnid · 07/02/2016 13:57

'disrupting the household'? That says it all really - he expects you to fit in and adjust to 'the household', i.e. his household. I don't think you've got much of a chance of making it feel like you actually live there.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:57

Yes he will be keeping all his 'stuff' as it is at the moment and anything I want to have around me will need go in that room. The £87/week is what he believes I could rent a room out in my house.

OP posts:

Hillfarmer · 07/02/2016 14:00

He says I can feel at home by making his house homely

How are you supposed to do this?

How are you supposed to express 'commitment' if you are effectively living out of a suitcase, without your important stuff that would make it homely for you?

What steps has he proposed that would different this time around? Is the dining room proposal the entirety of his commitment?

The email thing is very cold. Why are you exchanging emails rather than face-to-face?

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2016 14:02

"he has been wanting me to live with him for a long time - I moved in with him a couple of years ago - just bringing some clothes and personal belongings but it didn't work out after a few weeks."

"He says I can feel at home by making his house homely - but I want some of my bits and pieces around me."

Sorry OP, but this is not a go-er. If you both genuinely want to set up home together, then that is what you will have to do. Sell both houses and buy a joint one.

His house will always be his house, in his head as well as in his legal deeds. He thinks you will feel at home by making his house homely. And remember, he doesn't want to get rid of the lodger, even if you paid the rent he lost - "I offered to pay the rent but he was not willing in case we split up." In case you split up. That's how his thinking is going.

He doesn't want to make any changes to his living arrangements, except to have his girlfriend on tap. I just wouldn't. You'd endanger your own financial security for nothing.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 14:03

TThe emails were my suggestion to give us reflective thinking time rather than shooting off at te hip and ending up in an argument.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 07/02/2016 14:06

Sounds like he wants nothing to change when you move in with him apart from anything that would benefit him e.g sex on tap, someone to share (or take over?) the housework etc. Anything else is simply a "disruption".

For the love of all that is holy please don't do this.

RandomMess · 07/02/2016 14:06

Each of you rent out your houses respectively and rent somewhere together?

hownottofuckup · 07/02/2016 14:07

DP you feel you should pay less re food as his son is there and other DC sometimes visit?

The way you are going about discussing it sounds so business like, detached of emotion, that I wonder why you're struggling to sort it out between yourselves.

The whole thing would be very off putting to me personally, but everyone's different. If I was to move in with my DP, I would want it to be 'our' home. Not my things being placed in one room. IFYSWIM. But like I say everyone's different.

Re the £87 that sounds fair to me given the set up.

DoreenLethal · 07/02/2016 14:10

I have to ask - why though? If you wanted to live together then you would make it work. It sounds utterly depressing doing it like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2016 14:10

Oops, x-posted with OP because I would definitely commented on this -

"he thought I was not committed and disrupting the household and asked me to leave."

So I reiterate, he doesn't want to make any changes to his living arrangements, except to have his girlfriend on tap.

This whole relationship, rather than just the living-together question, is looking increasingly fragile. He is inflexible and selfish. You'd be better off without him. He will never treat you as an equal, just a convenience. Which is why he wants you living with him, for his convenience (not yours). But his house his rules yada yada yada. You would never be living together, you will always be living in his house. Run.

VulcanWoman · 07/02/2016 14:11

I think once all the kids have flown the next, both sell up and buy somewhere together, split the costs down the middle then.
It does sound cold and business like though.

Twinklestein · 07/02/2016 14:14

Presumably you could rent out your whole house if you move in with him, not just a room. But -

Who rents out a room to their partner?

And who stays with someone after they've told them to move out for being 'disruptive'.

Fuck that.

category12 · 07/02/2016 14:15

Recommend you both rent out your houses and rent one together for a year. Then if it works, sell up and buy together.

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2016 14:18

Oh I love a bit of romance.

You've tried living together and it didn't work out. When he asked you to leave, why wasn't that the end of the relationship?

Please don't give up your house for this man. He doesn't want you to live with him, for whatever reason, and his home will never feel like your home.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 14:19

We can't rent a place because of his lodger. It will be several years before the kids have flown and he wouldn't be willing to wait that long.

OP posts:

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 14:20

Why it didn't end - we both still ove each other.

OP posts:

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 14:20

Oops that's love each other

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 07/02/2016 14:31

What would happen if yup spoke face to face.. would he lose he's temper.. would he bes so so emotionless about it all?

You say it won't work because of his lodger... well he can give notice to his lodger to love then rent it out. Because that's the only way I see it working. . If it's a new home for both.

What about hum moving to yours? And he could rent out other rooms in his place?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/02/2016 14:36

Listen, if he loved you and saw a long-term future for you as a couple he'd be prepared to wait until his children had flown the nest and you two could sell your respective places and put down equal shares in a home together.

He's already kicked you out once for "disrupting" his home life. Why don't you take the hint and see that this relationship is dead in the water?

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BolshierAryaStark · 07/02/2016 14:38

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound much like he wants to share his life with you.
No way would I even contemplate moving into his home, because that's exactly what it is & always will be- His home.
The only solution to this situation is to sell both homes & buy together, bur you've already said that's not an option...

category12 · 07/02/2016 14:52

It's all on his terms, isn't it?

His house, his timescale, his obstacles to alternatives.

LineyReborn · 07/02/2016 14:56

Has he an obligation to the lodger, or is it simply a financial necessity?

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