Can anyone analyse my breakup and tell me what I should think?

[NinjaHearts]

This might sound a strange question, but I think the biggest breakup of my life from the most serious relationship of my life has left me very deeply affected and I have not fully acklowleged how bad it was that he behaved.

I have turned it on myself, and been left feeling fundamentally unlovable and unworthy in ways that have meant I have issues being close with anyone and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am now drawn to men who don't love me.

Can I ask, presuming that you were with a man that you had a loving, supportive, close and happy relationship that was filled with mutual kindness and no arguing or affairs or difficulties and you shared a home with that person, over years, and were due to marry them - and they decided they did not want to be with you anymore...what would you expect that to look like?

How it looked for me was him disappearing without ever telling me there was a problem.

Being cut off without a penny, although he was the wage earner in our home and he had told me to quit my job to move city to be with him.

Being left without a home very suddenly and him not caring he had put me in that situation.

Losing all my possessions because I was too blindsided / had no money to move them.

Refusing to talk to me at all until about three months after he had left, only sending me cruel messages or very cold phonecalls to tell me how awful I was and he could not live another day with me because I was so awful.

Never letting me ever see or say goodbye to my stepkids, that I'd been raising for years and telling me by text it was better if they just forgot me.

Telling everyone else it was over before he ever spoke to me to know we had a problem - creating (lies) a story of us having problems that made me look bad and like I was lying and turning many people against me.

Him making up things that made me feel like I'd gone absolutely mad.

Him going from my best friend and most trusted person overnight to basically hating me and doing everything he could to destroy my mental wellbeing.

Him going from saying every day that I was the best partner in the world to flipping overnight to saying very cruel things to me, like "no one could live with you" and things like that which made me believe he was the victim.

Him just honestly showing no care or feeling for me ever again from the day he disappeared and never being sorry or caring about me ever again - after years of the opposite.

I feel this has left me completely unable to get close to anyone. I don't understand at all what it was about me that caused any of it because he only ever spoke in generalisations and told me it was all my fault and I had forced him to do it. I never had any idea what he was talking about because all he'd ever done was to tell me I was incredible and perfect so it's left me terrified of intimacy just in case the next person sees whatever he saw.

[NinjaHearts]

They grew apart. She was the instigator of the divorce.

[ravenmum]

My husband did something similar. In his case it turned out to be an affair. In your case I wouldn't set aside the idea of an affair completely - my husband was particularly "depressed" when his affair partner decided (briefly) she'd try it with her husband again. Maybe yours got depressed when he was dumped, for instance.

If not an affair, it could be something else that made him reassess his life and decide (e.g subconsciously) that he wanted to be a bit more selfish, or live his life differently. Was there any big event before the depression, like a family member dying or a serious illness, that might have reminded him that life is short?

What he said about you sounds like a classic example of looking for an explanation to justify his own behaviour. No-one likes to be the baddy, so we all subconsciously search for ways to interpret things that make us the goody. (In your case it's not working as your self-esteem has been hacked to pieces.) Try reading up on "cognitive dissonance".

Your ex may have decided to leave you for purely selfish reasons (e.g. because he wanted to be a bachelor again, or in the hope that his mistress would get back together with him if he was single) but couldn't admit this even to himself, and started thinking of every possible bad way to interpret everything you'd done in the past - without really being aware that that was what he was doing.

My ex also fabricated stories that made me look like the worst bitch in the world. To me, he only said the things that were "reinterpretations" of real events. To others, he made things up entirely, that were the complete opposite of what happened. That tells you that all the "explanations" were suspect.

[ravenmum]

Oh, I also wanted to say: get counselling. It has helped me hugely.

[Hissy]

The Two people I know who have been where you were since discovered their exes were bipolar.

It might be relevant, it might not, but it's worth considering.

[moopymoodle]

It sounds like there was nothing wrong with you at all. If there really was he wouldn't have complimented you for years only to flip over night. It's him with the issues and he's been incredibly cruel towards you.

Please don't analyse it to death or feel your defected and unlovable. He most likely had somebody else lined up and needed to paint you as bad so he didn't have to face the music.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Listen, sometimes I'm dismissive of my DH. Sometimes I snap at him. But those things in the context of a loving relationship don't mean I'm doing anything wrong (I usually apologise ) and certainly don't mean I deserve to be abandoned.

What I'm saying is, you didn't need to be perfect. You still didn't deserve what happened to you. It's still not your fault.

[springydaffs]

Have you posted about this before? I recognise the story.

You must must get into therapy. You can ask all these questions and get solid answers from someone who has studied human behaviour for years. Posting on an internet forum is risky bcs ppl arent qualified and will naturally draw conclusions that may add to your distress. What happened to you was very serious - you need professional input to make sense or it and to facilitate bringing you to a place of peace and resolution.

[springydaffs]

As for this:

He did phone me once, about 18 months ago when he was drunk, when he said that i had been a wonderful partner and had never done anything to hurt him or to deserve what he did to me but that he had just snapped in his head. It wasn't much

It wasn't MUCH?!? Are you kidding? That's where it's absolutely at: an apology for heinous crimes committed against us; an acknowledgement we didn't deserve it. Very rare to get that, as much as we long for it. You got the crown jewels there my dear!

[NinjaHearts]

Hi springy. Yes many times. When it happened I posted and a few times since. I think you were one of the lovely peeps to give support three years ago too. I wish I'd been able to shake it off. I do feel like I am on the verge of finally making peace with it. It amazes me I still feel so damaged

[NinjaHearts]

I did wonder if he was bipolar too. He acted like a lunatic for three months anyway. Absolutely mad and impulsive behavior. It was so odd. Like wed just bought a £3000 sofa six weeks before and he gave that and all out other posessions away to a stranger. That kind of thing . It was just erratic and frankly mental

[DianaTrent]

You said that what you really wanted to know was had you done something wrong, but that although he had blamed you for it all and been very cruel that he never told you anything specific that you had done. To me that says loud and clear that it really, honestly wasn't anything to do with you. All this time he has been doing his best to lash out and hurt you - if he had anything concrete to base this on, you'd have been sick of hearing about it by now; he would have been bashing you over the head with it so much. He's telling you no specifics because there just aren't any. When we have a big loss it's only natural to try to make sense of it and work out what we can do different next time. I think you just have to learn to accept that this is someone else's breakdown and it's never going to make sense and you're never going to find out what you did, because it all happened inside someone's head and had nothing to do with you. I'm really sorry you've been put through this. It's a horrendous kind of abuse to put anyone through.

[NinjaHearts]

He told everyone else that I had driven him into debt and that living with me was unbearable. He told all his family and a lot of mutual friends that and made out he had been a saint for putting up with me.

That was so far from the truth it was unbelievable.

I had money when I came into the relationship and contributed equally to things (actually more than he did) until the last 5 months when I started up my own business and he was supporting me for those few months. Remembering HE was the reason I moved and gave up my job of course.

He actually gave people specific lies, for example saying I insisted on staying in the best hotel on a recent holiday. When in actual fact, HE had been the one to insist on that hotel. He'd said "why not enjoy ourselves?". He was horrible with money (ex wife said the same thing) but he literally told people the opposite of the truth.

I had to live with people thinking that about me- when it was the opposite of true.

He admitted to me all of it, said he would phone them up and put the record straight but he never did.

To me...hmm..he kept changing what he said. In the very first phonecall a few days after he left he told me very coldly that he didn't love me anymore. I asked when that had materialised because 72 hours previously he had told me he loved me more than anything in the world and he just went quiet and had no response. I did ask why, and he said he was tired of looking after everyone but himself.

3 months later when I actually saw him face to face, he said that he still loved me and he hadn't known what he was thinking that he felt something was wrong with his brain and he was so sorry, would I come home.

Three days later he phoned me again and very coldly told me he didn't love me anymore and had been mistaken.

A few months later, I phoned him in tears, asking how he wanted to marry me one minute and hated me the next and he glibly told me that being with me drained him and that life was much better without me. He cited things such as me leaving shoes by the door, him not liking my family (who lived miles away and never saw him) and ridiculous things like that. He had no specifics or proper reasons.

A few months after that he phoned me in tears, saying he loved me again and always had and was sorry for what he'd done.

It was in circles like that a bit. Several times and several ocassions he would ring up -always crying - always sorry and say that he had loved me and he didn't know what had happenned.

Last time we spoke he told me that he'd had a breakdown and that was all it was.

He never went back to loving me or wanting me home, he just has a diferrent life now.

It was chaotic.

to be honest I don't think from the day he walked out of the door that I ever saw the person I knew again.

He was either a complete illogical mess or a cold, monster of a bastard from hell. There was never any warmth or normalcy.

I remmeber the emotion I felt most strongly was feeling chilled.

He made me feel chilled, like he was a heartless monster.

[AnyFucker]

I saw [[http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theyre-just-not-that-special-and-why-putting-people-on-pedestals-makes-them-think-they-can-do-better-than-you/ this]] on another thread and thought of you

[NinjaHearts]

God that is interesting. Thanks

[AnyFucker]

Never a truer word

[NinjaHearts]

Amazing that it reminded you of me because it bloody reminds me of me too!

[AnyFucker]

There is a lot more on that website that could you pick apart your feelings, I think

[Atenco]

Every case is different, but a dear friend of mine quit her job to look after the stepchildren and everything was great for five years, then the problems started. In her case, he didn't just kick her out but started to make her life impossible and it took another six years and a severe psychosomatic illness before she moved out.

Naught so strange as folks, but everything indicates that you are a perfectly normal lovely person OP who unfortunately got together with an abnormal and complicated man.

[TooSassy]

OP.

One thing jumps out about this thread. You've asked people to analyse the break up and numerous have posted that there was another woman involved (as one example). Your response is to vehemently deny this. Why??? You then go out of your way to repeatedly insist how amazing your relationship was. Over 5 years it was totally amazing? Really? That's a red flag right there for me. You're being protective over him and what you both were together. I get that, you were happy and don't want to rubbish those blissful 5 years you had together.

By your admission you have no idea what caused him to do what he did yet you seem closed off to thinking openly.

Here's the thing. You will never know what made him do what he did. You're seeking closure (which he won't give you) and so, quite rightly, I sense you're trying to find closure yourself.

You will never know why he did what he did. Drugs? Prostitutes? OW? Narcissist? Depression? Etc etc.
It sounds like he rewrote history to suit him and justify his actions
There's a chance the whole 5 years was him building a life to suit an 'image' of respectability.
There's a very real chance that it took 5 years to see his true colours.

In your shoes, I'd be incredibly grateful you didn't marry him or have children with him. You dodged a bullet. This board is full of shell shocked women / wives with DC's who have had their husbands of 10/20/30 years up sticks and leave.

This isn't about you. This is about him. How you understand that is entirely up to you.
Re getting over this and moving on? Accept that you are never going to get satisfactory answers to your questions. You won't. And you'll drive yourself mad trying to get them.
Your fear of moving forward? Get counselling. This was one person. Yes there are many shits in the world, but there are also many wonderful wonderful people. By not moving on, you're continuing to give him an immense power over your life. Don't let him.

You sound lovely OP. Like many other posters here (myself included), you've been screwed over by someone you trusted. That doesn't reflect badly on you.

If it helps, I believe my whole marriage was a total sham. To hide his sexual orientation (and to deny it to himself) my STBXH decided he needed a family. I think circa 6/ 7 years in, he broke. For 3 years he hid a lifestyle I had no clue about (including drugs and male hookers) until I found it out last year. The man who I married and lived with day in day out for years is gone.

What I can now see is little red flags that I ignored in the beginning. And increasingly larger red flags I ignored 6/7 years in. If you open your mind up a little and become less protective you too will find them. They are there, I promise you.

[NinjaHearts]

I just know for sure there wasn't another woman, so I have discarded that, that's all. Not because I don't want to think there was and am in denial (would be easier if there was actually) but because I know there wasn't.

I really don't need to know why he wanted to do it - I honestly don't care anymore. What I care about is not feeling - moving forward - like there was something wrong with me. Does that make any sense?

I just want to come to a place where I fully just believe he was an arse and I culdn't have prevented it.

I stopped caring about him a long time ago, blocked him on everything and if he showed up here wanting to talk or explain I'd tell him to go to hell.

It's just want to feel "I am great", you know?

I keep going out with the most awful, horrible men because I just don't feel like that and counselling hasn't helped.

Chatting has helped a bit...

[FedUpWithJudgementalPeople]

Can you know for sure that he wasn't up to something suspect though?

[NinjaHearts]

I suppose I can't know for sure, but it didn't add up.

He never went anywhere
Went to bed at the same time every day
Was never on the computer or his phone
Never socialised unless i knew who he was with
Didn't work in an office with any women except one elderly widow and the bosses wife
Was nothing on his phone or email
We had sex every day until the day he left, no changes in him
He got slovenly about his appearance instead of more into it

So nothing at all to indicate it.

He started googling prossies three days after he left according to the internet history (so I am guessing if there was an OW he didn't leave for love) and put himself on a dating site fairly quickly as well.

But more that it was a big drama with his parents going to stay to "look after" him and friends telling me he wasn't leaving the house or getting dressed.

I don't think he was into gambling or drugs or anything strange I didn't know about. He just decided his life would be better without me in it and instead of discussing it he ran off.

He always was a very cowardly wimp.

[NinjaHearts]

I think that he's admitted, in the cold light of day after 18 months passed that he snapped and had a breakdown. So I know that's the reason, or the main one, and maybe it just meant he had to escape his life.

The bit that really hung over me was that he said the breakdown was my fault and trying to figure out how someone can tell you that you are the best thing in their life and want to marry you and then say you're so awful that just being around you gave them a breakdown is the difficult part.

I know people having breakdowns aren't rational, but I think that was the part that stuck with me. Feeling to blame.

I knwo that the day I can say and believe "it was not my fault" and "no matter your flaws in day to day life no one deserves to be abandoned and treated that way" then i think that is th cure for me.

Not analysing what was going through his head. I don't care what was in his head - he was irrational and he's an idiot.

[NinjaHearts]

i just really ned to get to grips with how appalingly he behaved instead of turning it on myself all the time. Like how disgusting it is to do what he did.

[moopymoodle]

Op. I think your obsessing to prove it wasn't your fault is the issue. Sometimes there are no answers. You can let go and have closure without being certain. I think your self esteem is low so your naturally concerned you might be at fault. Trust me if it was your fault you would have had row upon row over the 'issue'. He wouldn't have kept the issue hidden and told lies to friends and family would he. When a person has a breakdown they can't think straight. One way one minute, another way the next. They are so overwhelmed even the simplist of decisions can feel intolerable. He has phoned you and told you it wasn't your fault, buy your struggling to believe that due to his erratic behaviour. My bet is he had a breakdown and shut himself away. He needed to find reasons to justify his behaviour so he lied. When he started to feel better, he realised he made a big mistake. But it was too late.