How best to deal with sensitive and defensive dp?

[Belleende]

My DP is a sensitive soul I am much thicker of skin. He tends to take any negative comments as personal critiscism and jumps to defensiveness v quickly. As an example, this am we had a barney.
We have a 6mo. I was up with her lots last night and the night before. DP usually deals with early mornings so i get a lie in. Yesterday he woke dd at 5am (just as she was getting back to sleep) and she then went mental and I dealt with her, today she was asleep when he woke up (6am) so he went out for a walk not getting back until 10am. So no lie in for me for two days And v little sleep.
When he got back today, I raised an eyebrow and said that it is not v fair for him to disappear til 10am after I had a shit night. I was genuinely not annoyed as he is usually v good, and we are trying to figure out how to make things work for both of us with a new baby. He instantly went into strop mode, became really defensive ("Right then I won't go for walks and just be a fat bastard forever")
I got proper pissed off then, not about him disappearing, but about how it is nearly impossible to say anything even remotely difficult to him without him taking personal offence and going into a strop.
I have to think and plan really carefully about how to broach difficult stuff with him To try and avoid this reaction and allow an adult conversation. I find this quite draining and as a result am less likely to tackle stuff that should probably be tackled in a healthy relationship.

Any ideas on how to broach this? I am too knackered to tip toe around so much, but I don't want to have one of those relationships where we constantly bite at eachother.

[Shutthatdoor]

if he keeps doing it and who is he fucking between 6-10am on a weekend morning.

Nothing like a huge over reaction is there ....

[DPotter]

Bell, what you describe when your partner reacts to you challenging him isn't sensitivity, it's overacting to close you down. You say you now have to carefully think about what and how to say something you think he will react badly to. This only fuels the situation as by the time you have thought about it, the moment has passed and it looks as if you are harping on. So you are walking on egg shells. I doubt this happens only 0.00001% of the time. The blows up may happen that often as you are keeping a lid on it for fear of triggering a negative reaction. But the blow ups have a much longer impact to keep you from challenging.

[Belleende]

expat although I think your assessment is a wee bit harsh, I do agree that he probably needs to man up in the dealing with her department. he is soon to be a stay at home dad so he may as well start now.

I have to say I have had some great advice on various mn boards and I have seen fab advice doled out on here to women in real dire straits.
I have asked for advice with a relationship issue that does need to be tackled but I think is well away from ltb territory but have been told;
He is cheating
He is an arsehole
He is a rambling freak
He will never change, you will regret your life with him

I am thinking this board might be most effective for relationships in crisis and less useful for more trivial issues. Is this a fair assessment?

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

I don't think he sounds cut out to be a SAHD.

How will he cope when he's on his own and she has a "meltdown"

His (over)reaction to fairly trivial things you have described OP would have me worried about leaving him with her tbh.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

...and no, it's not a board necessarily for couples in crisis, but often when we are used to making excuses for people, and trivialising what is actually quite repulsive behaviour from our partners, it hurts to be told that what we are experiencing isn't, actually, acceptable....

[HotterWok]

Yes, one strop and he's out. What I meant earlier is that I can be very defensive if I am spoken to in a critical tone of voice but the same words in a normal tone are perfectly ok and usually lead to a change in behaviour

[expatinscotland]

'So if she's describing a "meltdown" then let's not start interrogating her about the details and accept it as part of the OP.'

Why not? It's not a meltdown. It's a baby crying. A 6-month-old baby. It's an open forum, you don't get to dictate to others how they post with the ol' 'let's not'.

It's your life, Belle. And right now, your life is like this: 'but about how it is nearly impossible to say anything even remotely difficult to him without him taking personal offence and going into a strop.
I have to think and plan really carefully about how to broach difficult stuff with him To try and avoid this reaction and allow an adult conversation. I find this quite draining and as a result am less likely to tackle stuff that should probably be tackled in a healthy relationship.' You are already tip toeing around because he gets a strop on.

Go ahead and start a thread about how defensive he is, then get defensive when people tell you he's being a dick about this.

[AnyFucker]

I don't think you considering altering your behaviour to more easily deal with his unreasonable behaviour is remotely trivial.

[Belleende]

dpotter sense at last! This is exactly the effect it has and my concern is that I bottle stuff up and then it comes out as sniping, which then feeds the defensiveness, which shuts me down more. Its the beginning of a vicious cycle. I genuinely believe this is down to dp not being able to handle critscism rather than a conscious effort to shut me down, but nevertheless the effect is the same. So, how can we work on stopping this dynamic developing?

[Karanka]

What happens the other way round? What happens when he criticises you?

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

If he overreacts every time there is a slightest critisism then just dont critisise him. Ever.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

You don't want that dynamic to unfold? Then as Ruddy says, make sure you don't criticise him, or question him, or raise an eyebrow or ask him to do something he isn't ready or willing to do. Then you'll be fine, won't you?

Unfortunately your baby is not going to have that level of sophistry when she's on her own with him, is she?

Does that not bother you in the slightest?

[Belleende]

Fair enough AF, but if my DP were writing this, I reckon he would pitch in that I am overly critical. whilst I do think the main issue lies with him, I think it would be complacent to assume that I am not contributing and that we both have a part to play in working to develop a healthier dynamic.

[Costacoffeeplease]

'Overly critical'? I think you sound 'underly critical' due to his flouncing and huffing and puffing

[Marchate]

Slippery slopes have starting points

By allowing yourself to believe he is sensitive you are signing up to living by his agenda. Huffing is not being sensitive

Once you get part way down that slippery slope you'll find it's really tough to get back to where you started from

[Belleende]

Ok to the
He is cheating
He is an arsehole
He is a rambling freak
He will never change, you will regret your life with him
List
I will add
He is not cut out to be a stay at home dad

I think I will bow out now as I am really not finding this helpful. Perhaps I expressed my original concerns too starkly to evoke such responses , perhaps you are right, that i am in denial and that he is a waste of space and I will be back here in a few years when the wheels have come off, but perhaps this isn't the place to get sensible advice on how to work on aspects of what I think is a sound relationship.

[AnyFucker]

Before you flounce off, I suggest you raise the idea of counselling with him. You could always couch it in such a way that it is all your fault. That's the road you are heading down.

[Sparkletastic]

Hi Bell - my DH is like this. We've been together 15 years, 2 kids. I used to moderate my tone, pick my words carefully etc back when I had patience. Then I would just ignore his reaction. Neither of these worked. In recent years when he gets over sensitive I quite deliberately lose my fucking shit at him. Eg 'Ffs DH can I not point out anything to you without you turning it back on me, it's so childish 'etc etc. Weirdly this shocks him out of it, and makes him feel a bit ashamed of himself. Am sure it's not what an expert would advise but it works for us - might be worth a go

[StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard]

Perhaps suggest he does the early morning routine and once your baby goes down for her morning nap, then he goes out walking himself and you can get up when she wakes up which may be nearer to 10?

Read about the arc of distortion in communication and get him to read about it too. He is not hearing what you are saying, he is hearing his own 'distorted' message. You need to see that distortion and point it out then reiterate the point your making. I wouldn't suggest this for an abusive situation but I will trust your judgement that this isn't that type of situation. Just two people not communicating effectively.

He wants to get fitter during the time you want a lie in. It seems like a problem that could be talked through and a compromise reached.

[Belleende]

Bugger, I flounce just when things get useful. Thanks sparkle and sticky. I will deffo get some reading for us both, failing that I think sparkle has a point.

And they all lived happily ever after.....

[helhathnofury]

Been reading up on self esteem as dh acts like this too, amongst other issues. Over - reaction to comments could be because (in his mind) he thinks your getting at him. Especially as you've said doesn't handle it at work either - but if he becomes aware of it he can work at it.

[madetomatch]

OP: i had an ex who was sensitive and defensive. We split for other reasons but it was hard going at times and i often used to take the path of least resistance and take responsibility for things that weren't my fault to avoid a strop. I came to the conclusion (via lot of unscientific reading on the internet) that his problem was probably low-self-esteem and the defensiveness was his way of protecting himself from criticism. There were other signs of low self-esteem from my ex too. Do you think this might be a cause of DP's behaviour and that some self-help books / counselling might help?

[madetomatch]

Cross-post with Helhath!

[Karanka]

• He is cheating
  He is an arsehole
  He is a rambling freak
  He will never change, you will regret your life with him
  He is not cut out to be a stay at home dad*
  
  Add to that:
  
  I suggest you raise the idea of counselling with him
  
  ...and that's my MN Relationships Thread Bingo Card finished.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Well, aren't you the cleverest in the class Karanka.