How best to deal with sensitive and defensive dp?

[Belleende]

My DP is a sensitive soul I am much thicker of skin. He tends to take any negative comments as personal critiscism and jumps to defensiveness v quickly. As an example, this am we had a barney.
We have a 6mo. I was up with her lots last night and the night before. DP usually deals with early mornings so i get a lie in. Yesterday he woke dd at 5am (just as she was getting back to sleep) and she then went mental and I dealt with her, today she was asleep when he woke up (6am) so he went out for a walk not getting back until 10am. So no lie in for me for two days And v little sleep.
When he got back today, I raised an eyebrow and said that it is not v fair for him to disappear til 10am after I had a shit night. I was genuinely not annoyed as he is usually v good, and we are trying to figure out how to make things work for both of us with a new baby. He instantly went into strop mode, became really defensive ("Right then I won't go for walks and just be a fat bastard forever")
I got proper pissed off then, not about him disappearing, but about how it is nearly impossible to say anything even remotely difficult to him without him taking personal offence and going into a strop.
I have to think and plan really carefully about how to broach difficult stuff with him To try and avoid this reaction and allow an adult conversation. I find this quite draining and as a result am less likely to tackle stuff that should probably be tackled in a healthy relationship.

Any ideas on how to broach this? I am too knackered to tip toe around so much, but I don't want to have one of those relationships where we constantly bite at eachother.

[DPotter]

Belle,
in answer to your question - how do I get him to stop being so sensitive ? - I know it's a cliche, but he does have to want to change. You have to raise your need to solve this problem with him. If he tries to close you down, challenge, don't let it ride. Make your reaction to his behaviour his problem. Whether you do this with outside support is a matter for you and your DP to discuss. I have found it useful to have an outsider's view in a neutral setting.

[expatinscotland]

I never wrote that it was, Horton. I expressed an opinion. And I am free to express that.

[HortonWho]

Expat, meltdown is not a medical term exclusive to an age group, no matter how often you repeat otherwise.

[RandomMess]

FGS this thread!!!

I will go back to my first reply.

My suggestion of finding a good qualified relationship therapist (not counsellor) stands.

DH and I had a similar dynamic, having someone neutral there helping us examine why react in the ways we do, and so on was the first step in us both learning our ways of communicating with each other.

I have one typical clear memory of why we needed to learn to change how we communicate:

We had decorated our bedroom we needed very narrow bedside tables. I found some but the were wicker and DH hated them. I said "I'm so disappointed that we can't finish the room yet" (ie. me managing to identify how I was really feeling and name it and say it -something I struggle with) DH went off on one accusing me of always making him feel bad blah de blah and I ranted back that I was just expressing my feelings nothing more, no pressure or anything.

Another thing that we discovered by accident was when I point out DH is sounding like his Dad that makes him shut up and change how he is speaking to the DC immediately. It's usually a way of teasing that has moved on ever so slightly from good humoured to being critical/undermining.

So yeah if he's 99% great absolutely invest the time and money is exploring the dynamic and learning a new one.

[laurierf]

OP, it's hard work in that scenario for sure but it is possible to sort this out by talking - reminding him and reaffirming that you are a team and that you have each other's back so, yes, you are both going to have times when you need to point out to the other that they're upset but as you both know you love each other, you know the upset was not deliberate so you're raising it to see how you can fix the problem/prevent it happening again.

DH and I went through a short phase like this when we both very tired and like passing ships in the night (crazy work scenarios rather than new baby). We both had to modify our behaviour to be honest but "the talk" pretty much solved the issue overnight. I'm not going to deny that I can still be defensive with DH at times if I'm knackered and so can he under the same circumstances, but he knows to leave me to it for a while and then I will come and apologise and talk rationally, he's much better about having the instant switch if I say "hey, come on, it's me, I love you"...

[Mamapotter2008]

Not sure if anyone else has said this, but is he passive aggressive?

[expatinscotland]

Actually, I get to state my opinion on this forum as I please, Horton, as long as it does not breach Talk Guidelines, which it does not. I have an autistic child. He has meltdowns. Babies do not. IMO. And I'm perfectly free to stick to that and state that here on MN.

[HortonWho]

Exactly expat, it's an open forum so you don't get to tell someone something cannot be happening in their RL because you say so. If she's describing it as a meltdown, I believe her because I had a baby who was described as that by anyone who witnessed it in RL. It's not a bloody medical term exclusive to an age group, despite the fact it is sometimes used to describe an autistic child behaving in a specific way. It still doesn't make it a medical term and a baby or a 70 year can have a meltdown.

[Joysmum]

The way to deal with defensive sickened is to raise a solution for you (so it's a change not a criticism) rather than raising a problem.

So instead of suggestions that's he's thoughtless and selfish by going out as normal, say that after a hard night with DD he needs to follow a difficult night routine instead.

Of course changing how you discuss and presents things is capable of changing how it is received.

I also like to practice a communication triangle. Listen, repeat back to show its been heard and considered, then respond. I learnt it years ago when my job was resolving complaints.

Best of luck.

[NotNowBono]

OP, I had this hyper-sensitivity with an ex too - it was exhausting and one of the reasons I ran out of patience with the relationship, even though, like you, he was absolutely fine most of the time. about 80%

In his case, whenever he was stroppy, it was never for the obvious reason - if I stepped back and looked at the situation there was generally another cause, usually relating to his self-esteem, as above. EG, in the instance of your argument about his morning walk, I would have assumed the Right then I won't go for walks and just be a fat bastard forever was less to do with what you challenged him on, and more about his weight. I guess if you can tackle whatever it is that he's defensive about, it'll help the moodiness but if it's something big like his career, or his health, or similar, that's quite a task, and something he needs to do, not be mummied into.

Controlling people aren't always moustache-twiddling villains - sometimes they're quite weak people who behave that way to protect their vulnerable points. And the more you modify your own behaviour to prevent flare-ups the worse it gets, because they get used to it. I'd suggest some sessions with a counsellor too, in the guise of developing parenting strategies, but with a lot of discussion about how you'll both deal with stress. Then he'll at least have to listen to what you're saying, instead of using a massive strop as a smokescreen to ward off discussion. #bitterexperience

[Hillfarmer]

Like all of us he is not perfect, but 99.99999% of the time he is not an arsehole.

Why would you post if this was the case? I don't want to make your problems seem worse but even if it is a tiny amount of arseholiness then it would not preoccupy enough of your thoughts for you to bother writing this post. I suspect his behaviour really bothers you a whole lot and takes up a reasonable percentage of your thoughts... so really even if he is 0.00001per cent arsehole, it has a larger effect on you. It's about what it says about your relationship, and this....

I have to think and plan really carefully about how to broach difficult stuff with him To try and avoid this reaction and allow an adult conversation. I find this quite draining and as a result am less likely to tackle stuff that should probably be tackled in a healthy relationship.

... is a description of what is commonly known as 'walking on eggshells'. The fact that you are walking on eggshells is an indicator that he may be anxious, but he is also controlling. And he is wont to control you. This is the deeper fear in your OP that goes beyond the 0.0001% or whatever quantity you define.

And your question 'how do I deal with dp's defensiveness?' is, I'm afraid a sign that you think you can change his behaviour by being more diplomatic, better at explaining, more articulate, more sensitive or thoughtful or that there is some magic way of relating to him that will make him nicer to you. OP - truly, it is not that you are lacking in some way. It is not that you are explaining things badly and putting his back up. It is not that you are inconsiderate or nagging. It is that he is putting you in your place. And it is working for him as you attest, since you are (repeating, I know) having to think and plan really carefully about how to broach difficult stuff with him To try and avoid this reaction and allow an adult conversation. You are being reasonable. He is being extremely UNreasonable.

It is understandable that you are paddling back from your OP in your subsequent posts, because people are telling you he is not vulnerable but in fact quite controlling and deliberate. This is not a pleasant thing to hear.

So, it really doesn't matter about the walking or when you do it, what really matters is his behaviour towards you and whether his 'defensiveness' is actually just nasty and manipulative behaviour to get you to tiptoe round him and to very effectively shut you up.

[Karanka]

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark

Directly condemning someone's ability to be a father to their child because of the OP has described isn't a response which deserves to be taken seriously.

[HotterWok]

Karaoke: you forgot to add a hint that he might be a child abuser

Do you think that he might walk past a house with children in it on these so called "walks"?

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Well, aren't you the cleverest in the class Karanka.

[Karanka]

• He is cheating
  He is an arsehole
  He is a rambling freak
  He will never change, you will regret your life with him
  He is not cut out to be a stay at home dad*
  
  Add to that:
  
  I suggest you raise the idea of counselling with him
  
  ...and that's my MN Relationships Thread Bingo Card finished.

[madetomatch]

Cross-post with Helhath!

[madetomatch]

OP: i had an ex who was sensitive and defensive. We split for other reasons but it was hard going at times and i often used to take the path of least resistance and take responsibility for things that weren't my fault to avoid a strop. I came to the conclusion (via lot of unscientific reading on the internet) that his problem was probably low-self-esteem and the defensiveness was his way of protecting himself from criticism. There were other signs of low self-esteem from my ex too. Do you think this might be a cause of DP's behaviour and that some self-help books / counselling might help?

[helhathnofury]

Been reading up on self esteem as dh acts like this too, amongst other issues. Over - reaction to comments could be because (in his mind) he thinks your getting at him. Especially as you've said doesn't handle it at work either - but if he becomes aware of it he can work at it.

[Belleende]

Bugger, I flounce just when things get useful. Thanks sparkle and sticky. I will deffo get some reading for us both, failing that I think sparkle has a point.

And they all lived happily ever after.....

[StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard]

Perhaps suggest he does the early morning routine and once your baby goes down for her morning nap, then he goes out walking himself and you can get up when she wakes up which may be nearer to 10?

Read about the arc of distortion in communication and get him to read about it too. He is not hearing what you are saying, he is hearing his own 'distorted' message. You need to see that distortion and point it out then reiterate the point your making. I wouldn't suggest this for an abusive situation but I will trust your judgement that this isn't that type of situation. Just two people not communicating effectively.

He wants to get fitter during the time you want a lie in. It seems like a problem that could be talked through and a compromise reached.

[Sparkletastic]

Hi Bell - my DH is like this. We've been together 15 years, 2 kids. I used to moderate my tone, pick my words carefully etc back when I had patience. Then I would just ignore his reaction. Neither of these worked. In recent years when he gets over sensitive I quite deliberately lose my fucking shit at him. Eg 'Ffs DH can I not point out anything to you without you turning it back on me, it's so childish 'etc etc. Weirdly this shocks him out of it, and makes him feel a bit ashamed of himself. Am sure it's not what an expert would advise but it works for us - might be worth a go

[AnyFucker]

Before you flounce off, I suggest you raise the idea of counselling with him. You could always couch it in such a way that it is all your fault. That's the road you are heading down.

[Belleende]

Ok to the
He is cheating
He is an arsehole
He is a rambling freak
He will never change, you will regret your life with him
List
I will add
He is not cut out to be a stay at home dad

I think I will bow out now as I am really not finding this helpful. Perhaps I expressed my original concerns too starkly to evoke such responses , perhaps you are right, that i am in denial and that he is a waste of space and I will be back here in a few years when the wheels have come off, but perhaps this isn't the place to get sensible advice on how to work on aspects of what I think is a sound relationship.

[Marchate]

Slippery slopes have starting points

By allowing yourself to believe he is sensitive you are signing up to living by his agenda. Huffing is not being sensitive

Once you get part way down that slippery slope you'll find it's really tough to get back to where you started from

[Costacoffeeplease]

'Overly critical'? I think you sound 'underly critical' due to his flouncing and huffing and puffing