Reported DV - now out of control

[VioletRoller]

On new years day my partner assaulted me in the car and there was a witness. It happened a handful of times before while drunk, and he still had alcohol in his system from the night before (was breathilized)

He was holding his hand over my face and I opened the door with my foot, struggled and screamed, a man heard and came over which caused partner to stop. I jumped out of car, didn't grab my bag with cards or bags with laptop etc (I left on NYE when I seem him getting more drunk, he was collecting me again).

The man rang the police, I did too as I was afraid of partner coming back.

Police collected me and before bringing me home to parents, they talked to me about partner. They were extremely supportive, I liked them a lot. I think I made matters worse by trying to express that it only happens when he was drunk. I feel like I portrayed myself as a bit vulnerable although I did admit that it wasn't okay.

I showed them pictures of bruises from the month before and told them about a few other times. They talked to me about his record, which I've seen and is pages long. Though stayed out of trouble and turned his life around the past couple of years, it is definetely much cleaner than it was before when he had a drink and drug problem. I knew him when he was like that but only as friends. Id find him passed out on the street etc... very different now. I took a statement in the car.

The police brought me home and instead of dropping me off around the corner they came in and spoke to my parents in the kitchen. I moved back in with them when I became pregnant. I dont involve my daughter with partner, I see him in his flat on the weekend.
My mother is a great mum but very critical of me, really would have preferred her not to know at least while I live here and have to sit in the same space where I cant get away from comments...

The police kicked his door in and arrested him.

Now I really don't want this all to be happening. I feel like I have no control over the situation. I want to drop the charges. I dont want to go to court at the end of the month and be character assassinated by his solicitor when I don't even want him to go away. I just wanted to drive home to him I wouldn't accept it. What do I do?

Sorry for thr length of thread and writing style I'm on my phone. Starting to feel very distressed too.

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

I am sorry you are so distressed.

One of the things that is bothering you seems to be that you have "lost control" over what is going to happen to him.
This is not your control to have, I'm sorry. You can't blame yourself for what happens to him now because it isn't your decision, in the same way that you can't protect anyone else from the consequences of their crimes.
I'm sorry that this is so hard, but you have to see this as an impersonal thing. You are a person, you are valuable, and you were attacked, and we have laws that mean that this is not ok and the state will take action.
It isn't up to you, you don't get to decide whether it matters or not, or is ok or not. the law protects all people (in principle) and violence against people is not accepted.

I am sorry if that hinders more than it helps. I'm just trying to put your mind at rest in case you think you should somehow be "managing" this better for him.

I wish you all the best.

[Atenco]

I really think you need to take the Freedom Programme, OP. I know you love him, but you seem to have decided that because his abuse is hot-blooded and not cold-blooded like your dd's father, he is an improvement. You really need to find someone who is just loving and not abusive. You cannot save your DP, you really cannot save anyone except for yourself and your dd.

[SirBoobAlot]

It might feel like it's out of control, OP, but this is something that you will be relieved has happened in a few years.

Follow this through, don't back down, no matter how much you feel you want to. Protect yourself and your daughter.

Please get in touch with your local DV support group, go via Women's Aid to find a local group if you don't have the details already.

You can regain control of the situation, but not by backing down - because that will send the message that it is okay, and it is not. Keep going. You're not alone.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

I don't even want him to go away. I just wanted to drive home to him I wouldn't accept it.

You're trying to change him. You can't. Only he can, I'm afraid.

Look at the man you're actually with, not at the man that you want him to be. There's a very big difference.

do wish you luck and that you can gain clarity of vision and walk away.

In future, it might be an idea to look at some of the Red Flags for potential partners and also to consider that this is the 2nd abusive man you've been drawn into a relationship. If it happens a third time, therés a pattern.

[FlintlockMusketoon]

Hi Violet. I had an incident just before New Year where my partner was abusive in front of witnesses - when the police got involved and the system took over, I felt exactly the same way as you. Totally out of control of the situation and desperately wanting to backtrack. I think if I had had the choice over whether or not to progress with things, I would probably have dropped it but as a PP said, that's exactly why the process is taken out of our hands. You aren't responsible for his actions, he is. He chose to assault you and he needs to face the consequences. Please be strong and stay safe. He doesn't deserve you, you know.

[thelittleredhen]

I was nutted by an ex. He used to hit other girlfriends a lot worse and they had never pressed charges. I was harassed by his sister waiting for the court date to come round to drop charges though police had already told me that even if I dropped out, they'd still prosecute him.

As it happened, he pleaded guilty on the day that I was supposed to give evidence and his sentence was 100 hours community service and £100 fine to me which he paid in installments of £5.

I felt that the sentence was next to nothing, but he now has a record for when it happens again. I felt that it wasn't really for me that I phoned the police and went through with it, but for the girls that come next.

[Lweji]

In all likelihood he won't get to serve a custodial sentence anyway.

But, hopefully, court will bring it home to him that his actions are condemned by society.

[Samantha28]

Hi violet, how are you doing today ? Have you managed to contact womens aid near you ?

I was thinking about your first post , and this bit really stood out for me

"He was holding his hand over my face and I opened the door with my foot, struggled and screamed, a man heard and came over which caused partner to stop. I jumped out of car, didn't grab my bag "

I thought your partner was so drunk he was completely out of his mind and didn't know what he was doing ? In that case, why did he stop when the man came over ? Sounds to me that he was completely in control of his actions .

I'm sorry, I know you want to believe that he is different from your ex parter ( Ls dad ) . But he's not . He violent and you can't control him or fix him . " Not accepting " violence means having nothing to do with him ever again . It doesn't mean just staying at his at weekends and leaving your DD with your parents.

Please get the support you need to walk away from this man and get some counselling to help you work out why you are drawn to these violent men. You are young, you have all of your life in front of you and a beautiful daughter . You both deserve better than this .

[VioletRoller]

Lweiji

My dad would be open to that but my ma knows all... would be offended scoff, one of them ones. Both have big hearts but very different personalities.

We all deserve that, and it really was like that all of the time, except those handful of times he let us both down. Though they are reason enough to leave, I accept that. x

Why do you think he won't serve a custodial? Yes I'd hope they do that, and that he remembers with the next girl.


Matilda

Yes I am conflicted, I'm being told what I would tell others but he seems different. I feel like if people could see us day to day and just how isolated and stupid those incidents were they would probably think different.

His record is from him as a young teenager to early 20s. It was all drug related and resisting arrest, stupid things like that. Nothing for years.

When making my report the police did assure me that the SS wouldn't be involved as he wasn't the childs father nor was he involved with her. I hope it's true. I'd cut contact in a heart beat if that happened. I'm so unhappy without my second home though. That's just how I feel though and there is no going back. x


Bertiebotts (every flavour beans? :) )

Thanks. :) Yes I do look forward to our future together, trying to enjoy her as a baby now as well. :) She is very good, I know some kids that cried all day... god love them but obviously hard to live with too. She will scream in temper and be demanding but really she's great. Genuinely funny, she looks at you like she knows and has been here before we all say. This could just be because she's my own ha :D
Her granny is just like another mother to her, after 7 she is much better at it than I am lol. When dd's been occupied with playing, tv... and she turns around and spots you looking at her her face lights up. :) What's that film... "It's like having fans" ha x
She is so loved, all of our families phones are full and barely working from the pictures and videos of her in her 8 months of life :D My dad bless him has an ordinary, non-smart phone, tiny screen, he has tiny photos of her he probably needs his glasses for ha. I've got a 64gb(?) memory card in mine. :$ ha

Aye it must be actual bodily harm. I just thought common assault would cancel that out.

Aw I'm sorry to hear about the depression, reassuring to know 2Yo didn't notice. I meant dm, as she'd criticize and potential to be nasty. Though dd does seem to pick up on things, she has cried when seeing me cry, also she will cry sometimes if you laugh at her lol. I hope you're feeling better, seems to just be clearing so slowly for me.


IndependantF

I have no money in my phone, I'll have to top up the next time I go outside. Unsure if I even have the money for it right now. I was going to call when out of the house when I go to the gym.

I've been waiting on a place from the HE but I'm starting to think they've forgotten. :S I keep meaning to go up and bring DDs birth cert, make sure they have it. Ask what's happening...
Family are extremely helpful, it can just be a bit toxic sometimes, thanks for the link I've seen that thread before but for some reason never really ventured in. It's open in another tab now. :)

Thanks x

PoundingTheStreets

That all makes perfect sense. This stood out to me; "At a deep level he believes it's ok; he just manages to disguise that more effectively when sober." Which I suspected. But he seems so horrified by what he's done. Not the OTT dramatic ways ex-dp used to, but in his genuine own way. He says he's going to do everything he can. It all seems too late for me.

Not just a slap on the wrist, but real help, you aren't in jail on the condition you go to these classes, stay sober.... etc etc

He stayed out of trouble all these years.. got a (good) job, volunteered, went off drugs, turned his life around. It's just shit. :(


Samantha

Thanks, I hope they don't get involved. Dd will never be around that.

I need to top up my phone then ring womansaid when out to gym or shopping. Thanks x


HowBad

That makes sense, I do think even if he does get time it's not something I can (rationally) beat myself up about. I want to live in a world and like living in a world where violence against a person is punished. It's just hard when it's someone you know, against you, and you think it's a bigger injustice of life in general. :( x


Atenco

I never thought of it that way. Ex-dp seemed hot blooded in his abuse at times, the rage more just. Always sober and just out of "I can get away with this, you deserve this, I am so entitled that this is not wrong". I did hate the cold calculated planned insidious stuff more though, which had me on my knees until I wised up. Maybe love is so intoxicating that anyone who is the pursuer in a relationship will keep getting as much control as they can get away with and it's just a case of the other person having to be vigilant with boundaries all of the time.

x


Sir BoobAlot ( :L )

I definetely don't want to send the message that this is okay. That puts me in a weird position doesn't it, on one hand damage by enablement, on the other wasting the rest of his 20s/early 30s in jail. All of these things he'd be charged with it'd just be far too long. Maybe I wouldn't mind if I knew that wouldn't happen. I'm probably just thinking what every other DV victim thinks now :S It doesn't feel good, like my empathy isn't genuine or something. x


OnceAMeer

That's the point though, he isn't some dickhead who fucks me off all the time or treats me badly, he's so lovely all of the time :( Why did he have to go ruin an otherwise happy relationship. :( I know I seem to be defending him here a lot, it's more trying to give an idea of what it was really like in case because I only said the bad at the start people have a skewed idea. To him I'm not saying any of this or much at all and I know what he did was unacceptable and he knows it too... :( x


Flintlock

Yes that is exactly how I feel. :( How do you feel now. Whats's happening? I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I would still feel guilty or at least very very bad for him.


thelittleredhen ( :) love birds... see name)

I'm really sorry to hear that, I think when other people get involved it can make your deciding on what to think harder. Certain friends of his (his self proclaimed "brother") will definetly play on my mind if he gets time... I'll be the bitch who made him do it. Or "two sides to every story", and other things that make you feel like screaming into a pillow. Funnily enough he called me a bunny boiler in one of his texts to him I seen (you better leave that bunny boiler before you kill her or I kill you or kill her), which is strange because I am well (well) out of his league looks wise, he pursued me for years shyly, until I eventually just fell in love with him. And I'm not anything special. They seem toxic. We weren't having much to do with them while they were like that, just due to the insane way they acted around me. I thought things would get better.
See I can agree with you that that seems like nothing for what he did to you, and feel repulsed by him. But it just doesn't seem the same. :(


Feeling really unwelcome downstairs. DM has had major health scares recently ( :( ) that probably is making that a bit worse. Cried a bit today again and felt like if I let it start properly it would never stop. I miss my flat. And my birds :(

[FlintlockMusketoon]

Violet, I definitely feel better but I still have moments where I feel so guilty, mainly at the thought of him sitting in a custody cell, being asked questions, people finding out etc. But then I think: This is the hard part, like cold turkey. If I go back now, I've just went through all this for nothing, if that makes sense?

What kind of birds do you have? (total aside, sorry!)

[Ineedtimeoff]

Violet I'm not sure that the police have given you the right information. In Scotland social services receive reports of all domestic instances even when the children are not present and if the perpetrator is not biologically linked to the victim.

There is huge evidence to suggest that domestic abuse is very damaging developmentally for children and the children don't even have to be present to be affected by it. In Scotland Social services would be looking to make sure that you are able to protect your DD from DA and that would mean ending your relationship with the person who has assaulted you. If you were to continue the relationship then social services would become involved in your lives and you may end up losing your child.

Perhaps in England services work differently but I would be surprised if it wasn't flagged to them.

[Lweji]

I meant that it's possible he will get a suspended sentence. Which is still sobering.
But you could then ask the prosecuter for an opinion about what to expect.

[VioletRoller]

Thats good. :) How long did it take for you to feel better? This is as recent to you as this for me so don't want to pry too much if it's raw. Does feel very raw everything having suddenly changed.
Yeah I get what you mean. I guess if I resign myself to this I might even feel the same. That would kind of be progress, technically. :) Though even saying that is hard, it feels more unloyal

A very expensive parrot, a lesser expensive parrot and finches. (Can pm but some are unusual and very outing although probably outed enough) I seen some violet rollers for sale but my bank never forgave me for the grey so I can only look! ha I bought dp a cockatoo but I suppose I might be looking after it. Have you any yourself? :)


Ineedtimeoff

I'm in NI, I don't doubt that children are affected by DV and understand those laws though if I thought you'd be flagged to SS for reporting abuse I don't think I would, or many others in worse situations, when it's already so discouraging to do so. Do you know what I mean?

[VioletRoller]

Suspended would be good, with conditions and the like. :)

There'd be no going back then if he did it to another and my doing this would stand for something still.

[BertieBotts]

Every flavour beans, yep! :)

I see what you mean now about your mum rather than your DD. That's hard. A good place to have a discreet cry is the shower, BTW. It's also somehow very healing, like the water is taking away the sadness, I don't know if that makes sense. I find it comforting anyway.

I would imagine that as your DD wasn't involved in the relationship at all that might preclude SS involvement for now at least, but I don't know for sure. I do get the point that it makes it scarier to report but it's not that they would be coming in and evaluating/judging you, they just need to make sure that you are protecting them from violence by not having violent boyfriends in the house if that makes sense. I know there is a different perception of SS in NI and perhaps more suspicion along with higher DV rates so it might be that they are less quick to get them involved if the perception is that it will stop reports. But that said you know in yourself that she's the most important thing :)

I am okay now, thanks for asking. DS is 7 now and the worst is very much behind me. In hindsight I was probably having a delayed reaction to leaving his emotionally abusive father but I am married to a kind man now (honestly I don't actually know how he puts up with me, I think I am a terrible wife!) and we live in a completely different country and it's all behind me.

[VioletRoller]

Ha, there should be a thread on the top 20 places to cry. :) I'm in the bathroom a lot due to a stomach thing (really should have made a doctors appointment earlier but I tend to just wait till things pass) and once or twice let myself go to bits for a few seconds in there. But then I have to return to the family with big red eyes

I knew there was a different perception of police here (especially from my background), I thought everyone was wary of SS though! Interesting!
DD's been dancing, a really small wiggle with her wee fists beside her face and her cheeks closing her eyes lol in delight, and then she waits for you to wiggle back, she's class :L

I'm glad to hear that, and how far in 2 ways you've got from it all. :) Before I found out about dd I was looking in to a fresh start, was looking at England as I know some people from there, different bits though. I wonder if I'll ever have a nice marriage, will I want a proper one. :) The idea seems wonderful, you have to give things up but you have to for anything good. :)
And it's worth it.

I've ended up with one of the police mens number who was doing the case with me, I rang him and asked about dropping the charges. He tried to arrange something a few times but he kept being called out to work.

He ended up texting to say could I go to the station to sign the withdrawel statement, so I did yesterday. He called while in the taxi to say he'd been called out again but what to say etc. When I got there he had written exactly what I wanted to say in a paragraph, I laughed with the woman there saying it would have taken me pages ha. I started to thing I'd never get this done but so glad I finally did.
It said that I wanted to retract my statements, didn't want to go to court, wanted police involvement to stop etc, all good. Happily signed. :)

I do feel really frustrated at the same time, he's said thank you but doesn't show appreciation well. I was scrolling through my pictures to find a picture of my daughter I was drawing and had to go through the pictures of all the bruises and black eyes and thought, did I really just do that. I can't wait until it's behind me. But it's hard that this is the end of it, not like I can share this with anyone else incase it gets spread and I get called "dangerous" or "poisonous" and not believed because how can it happen to someone twice. (ha, twice) When I went public about dd's father I had to defend myself against disgusting comments, I got a lot of people saying I was brave and they knew what he was like, and even seeing us together and privately thinking "good luck with him" but they said it privately. Only a handful publicly went against the "this should be kept between yous two", "you are a liar" sort of thought. Mostly just his bands close fans. I never told anyone they had to declare their loyalty or "side", they did it themselves. I suppose I forced them to know, and made them face themselves feeling like they didn't want to do the right thing.
That thread of mind will only make me bitter though. There's doing the easy thing and doing the right thing, and I'm happy with my conscience.

[Lweji]

Wishing you all the best. Your DD sounds fab. :)

Consider doing the Freedom Programme to give you a bit more wisdom to recognise the first signs that a partner may not be the nice man he seems.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I want to live in a world and like living in a world where violence against a person is punished How do you think this world will come about while women such as yourself actively seek to prevent violent offenders being held to account?

I suppose I forced them to know, and made them face themselves feeling like they didn't want to do the right thing Having made others "face themselves" how are you going to look in the mirror knowing that you haven't done the right thing, either for yourself or for your dd who will grow up in a world of your making?

Now that the violent twunt who "doesn't show appreciation well" has said "thank you", how long will it be before you return to playing house with him at weekends while your long suffering dps care for your dd?

[VioletRoller]

Thank you Lweji, I'm feeling better just a bit frustated, but improvment.

I've topped up my phone and going to ring them definitely, there is a pattern, it would be better for everyone. :)


Thank you goddessofsmallthings
You're right, that is an internal dialogue I've repeated to myself a few times. I do a small amount and have done since exposing ex dp, but it feels like my life would become unlivable in these circumstances had I had all my dirty laundry aired at court in front of people I know, and living with the guilt. For what it's worth one man is serving a couple of years for throwing money in to my drink while out then knocking me out a few times (kept standing up again, don't know why), a really violent assault. And I do struggle with the guilt of his life being over, he showed true remorse and offered money he saved up (a few thousand), turned himself in. If I was actually there at the court I don't think he would be in prison. I struggle with the guilt a lot. Maybe that's colouring this too.

Everything he did is recorded and he knows it, he wouldn't stand a chance if he did it again. I did that much. The CPS may well take him off the streets anyway. You're still right.

I think you let yourself go with your last sentence sorry.

[goddessofsmallthings]

How have I 'let myself go' with my last sentence? Acting against police advice you've been in constant contact with the man who has violently attacked you on more than one occasion, the last being on New Year's Day, and I don't see any reason to suppose that you won't carry on where you left off now he's confident that he's got away with it.

You've now added another occasion on which you were violently attacked and I'm confused as to who offered you their savings - the man you played house with at weekends or the man in the bar who threw money into your drink and who is now apparently doing time for violently assaulting you?

Have you made contact with WA and have you enrolled on the Freedom Programme as advised upthread by other posters?

[VioletRoller]

There was no need to voice your assumptions about my family. It seems like it was intended to be inflammatory at most, or at least insensitive.

The other occasion was shortly after dd was born, at a food place after a night out on holiday with family. It was a man I didn't know who clearly drank too much. It forced me to face the reality of how it isn't straightforward and how I felt and still feel. There were 2 men involved but one ran away, unsure if he got time. I'd feel bad but wouldn't have any sort of internal struggle with him.

I haven't yet, I'll need to wait until I'm out of the house so it's not over heard. I go to gym most days so tomorrow I think, depends on who will be in.

[wannabestressfree]

Not for the first time I am with goddess.... Why you would do that I just don't understand. And I agree with what she said about your parents. At the very least I hope you do the freedom programme....

[LidikaLikes]

OP, you've spoken very well on this thread, and advice you've been given is good food for thought.

I'm in NI too >high five<

Lots of ppl here telling you to do 'Freedom course'. In NI it's called Journey to Freedom. Free course run by Women's Aid. I can't recommend it enough.

Here's a link J2F

[goddessofsmallthings]

It was not my intention to be inflammatory or insensitive and as you made no mention of your dd being in the car while you were being assaulted on New Year's Day, and as you have said I dont involve my daughter with partner, I see him in his flat on the weekend, I assumed that your dps were caring for her. Is this not the case?

[VioletRoller]

wannabestressfree

I don't know how else to express why I felt like I had to do it, my life would have become unlivable. I'm out of the picture, if the CPS go ahead I can't do anything about that.


LidikaLikes

Thank you. It's definitely been helpful. :) I've never been able to just sit and talk about it before which helps immensely. I never expect anyone to reply to the big droney reflections but it's class that they do, and so appreciated.

I'll remember that, journey to freedom... and I've the number saved on my phone so I'll be ringing as soon as I can. Maybe mumsnet will be spared the big droney reflections a bit then ha. :D

( high five ) :) x

goddessofsmallthings

You are right that they take care of her, but I have a very large family so it's not always the dps. I wouldn't describe them as "long-suffering" and that's part of what made me feel demeaned.