Holidays with DH: So frustrating!

[aquadoodledo]

I feel a little ungrateful writing this here tbh as I know there are plenty of families who would love to spend all of every school holiday together. However, it's driving me crazy. My husband that is.
We are both teachers and have a toddler, I work part-time (if you can call it that) and DH is full time. Every school holiday we have together is spent arguing and by the end, I can't wait to return to work for a break from him.
Our jobs are pretty demanding to say the least, so I understand that DH wants to 'rest' during his very well earned break, but we're so busy during the week that a lot of household jobs are put on hold. DH never finishes jobs and I see our holidays as a chance to yes, rest but also try to catch up. I spend my entire holiday giving DH instructions on what to do next because without them, he's super-glued to the sofa with a remote control in his hand.
He's a fabulous Dad and plays with DS inbetween switching the channels, but all whilst I run around like a blue-arsed fly. I'd quite like to play with DS myself and have a rest but I'm doing all of our household jobs without any help from him unless I request it. He seemingly has no motivation for anything whatsoever. He doesn't have to plan, organise anything. I found xmas a big pile of stress on top of an already enormous to-do list, he just appears to wander around at a leisurely pace asking me irritating questions about what I'm doing and why. My friend referred to him as an ' old man' last week. I've thought the same myself!

I feel I spend my time at work giving instructions to children, I dont want to spend my hols giving them to a fully grown man. It's depressing. Today I snapped that I was glad the Christmas holiday was coming to an end so that I didn't have to battle with him anymore. I feel really guilty.
Perhaps we are just spending far too much time together when we're not at work?
Holidays away from home are much better and I enjoy his company.
Every holiday we spend at home together is just a huge chore.
How can I get him to help more without giving him so many sodding instructions all the time?

[redexpat]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm also 'air traffic controller' in this house, and since my father died a month ago, I'm finding it impossible to do. So when DH says what's for dinner I say I dont know, whats on the meal plan? ANd he says we didnt do one he means I didnt initiate the conversation and I say well you'd better look in the fridge then. After a few crappy meals, he got better at it. It's still mostly me, but it was 90/10 and now it's more like 35/65. So we're getting there.

Could I recommend the marriage course if there's one running near you? It provides a safe space and the tools to talk about this kind of stuff. There is no public sharing. If there isnt one could you get hold of a dvd of it? It is a church based thing but really not overwhelmingly Christian.

I think the other book I mentioned up thread would help you both plan the holidays a bit better.

[aquadoodledo]

Yes, DH's mother and father worked but domestic duties were always down to his mother. DH believes he helps out a lot more than he actually does, because he actually does more than his father did.He even points out inequalities in other relationships, but fails to notice it in ours.

What red and waffler said about the hols. It is so difficult.
What I find more taxing than anything is the mental pressure I feel I'm under rather than the practical side. DH appears to completely switch off, whilst I'm still organising Christmas etc. Planning our meals, planning DS' routine when it stops working. I feel I spend my job instructing, questioning etc and I do it all again when I'm at home with DH. He's mentally quite lazy. I'm as introvert as he in many ways so find it all very taxing and overwhelming when having to think/plan/organise everything whilst instructing DH on what to do also. Without instructions he would sit all day and just question everything I do. Exhausted.

[wafflerinchief]

Personally I find the Christmas holiday to be the hardest as the dc get v overexcited and behave badly and you have a lot of Christmas related stuff to do on top, and the expectation that you should be having a perfect family Christmas! The toddler age is also tough on its own, dc2 is just starting...since you're tired can you see if you can get some help with ds lined up for half term and get a rest for yourself?

[redcaryellowcar]

It seems you've had quite a rough ride on this thread OP, I totally agree with you that holidays are hard, my dp. Is not a teacher but gleefully announced that he would be taking almost two weeks off for Christmas and new year. He suggests he might go to the cinema or meet friends but then doesn't so we all begin to suffer from cabin fever, it's made more tricky because if I arrange to take the DC out he either wants to come or makes a fuss about missing them.
I agree that getting a cleaner, even if only for a couple of hours a week would help, it does for us as means we have to tidy up for her to be able to clean and once a week the house looks lovely. It's sanity preservation!

[Caprinihahahaha]

If my DH leaves clothes on the floor I put them on his pillow. I certainly don't put them in the basket and wash them

He sounds a bit slobby tbh.
Get a cleaner but stop picking up after him without there being a consequence for him.

[Bogeyface]

Am also guessing that his father worked and did nothing else, and his mother did everything domestic, no matter how many hours she may have worked outside the home?

[Bogeyface]

Picking up his dirty washing isnt important to him? OK.

From tomorrow, washing anything that isnt yours or your childs isnt important to you. When he questions it, hand him the washing machine manual and tell him to fill his boots. You'll be surprised how much suddenly becomes important when he has to do it instead of taking you for granted by assuming that you will do it.

People who get all the chores done for them but say that they dont care about a messy house are lying, they just dont want to do them themselves.

[magoria]

if he doesn't see picking up his dirty clothing as important just shove it in a heap and leave it there.

[redexpat]

I think you need a discussion about how you want your lives to be. Read how to do everything and be happy by peter jones as he explains it better than i can. And fwiw since getting a cleaner our quality of life has improved tremendously.

[aquadoodledo]

Thanks Handywoman. You're right.

Everything you have said makes sense.

[HandyWoman]

If you both teach and have dc: you Need. A. Cleaner.

Which then also means he NEEDS to not leave clothes etc on the floor.

This will stop you resenting him so much that you eventually divorce him.

And mean you have some energy/capacity for dealing with things like Christmas.

This is fundamental.

He can disagree and whinge, but he doesn't get to overrule, especially when he is so disrespectful as to be happy watching you kill yourself trying to keep up.

[Gooseysgirl]

Definitely get a cleaner

[Allgunsblazing]

OP, I see it as basic lack of respect, how you H behaves. Personally, I would stop cooking, washing etc for him, since it's not that important.

[Ooogetyooo]

A cleaner it is then

[aquadoodledo]

I'd be quite happy to have a relaxing first week, followed by a productive second week. But DH is more difficult to motivate once in the 'feet up' state of mind. I'm hardly whizzing around with the hoover all day... I dont get chance and besides, we agreed it's one of his jobs. The first week of my 'break' was spent finishing off our christmas shopping after taking care of a poorly toddler for almost 2 weeks. It would have been nice for DH to have cracked on with a few basic bits and bobs in the mean time. He was instead filling his time with quite a few christmassy social events with his friends.

[Thymeout]

There's a qualitative as well as a quantitative difference between teaching full-time and part-time. Yes, as you imply, your part-time job probably feels like a full-time job, the number of hours you spend working at home. So what does his full-time one feel like?

Ime, many teachers spend the first week of the holidays in a mindless state of recovery from the previous term, often falling sick the day after breaking up. He needs that time on the sofa to recharge his batteries, physically as well as mentally. Must be v irritating having you whizzing round with the hoover or talking about DIY that needs to be done.

I agree with others. Agree on a realistic to do list, with catch-up projects for the second week, and just basic stuff as a daily routine. And plan some fun family outings when you can enjoy each other's company.

[wafflerinchief]

picking up dog mess, walking the dog - these are hardly inessentials, that's a health hazard for your dc - my dog not infrequently steps in his business immediately after he's done it & walks it in (old and clumsy) leaving dog mess around is insanitary and he's being pretty disgusting. I'm sure a compromise is possible - but of the things you mention, nothing shouts fussy to me and I'm not especially house-proud. What's stopping you sitting him down and having another chat with a serious conclusion - you do these chores in this agreed timeframe or the cleaner's coming Wednesday.

[HopefulHamster]

I like relaxing. It's annoying if I've chosen a moment to rest and my DH decides that precise moment is the right time to moan about XYZ being untidy. But you can't relax alllll holiday.

Don't know about OP but we don't have a dishwasher. I HATE dishes. But if I ignored them for a single day they'd pile up pretty quick. Some stuff has to be kept on top of.

There's a certain type of person who thinks they 'deserve' some nice time off, but they don't think through what would happen if everyone did the same.

[binkiesandpopcorns]

Solsbury: You sound really difficult to live with tbh

so she spends all her holidays running around like a blue arsed fly and he sits on the sofa superglued to the remote and you say SHE's the difficult one to live with. WTAF. Really just WTAF

Unless you are the DH

[littleleftie]

But it is necessary - it is necessary for your emotional well being.

What would happen if you booked the gardener/cleaner/ironer? Do you have access to joint funds to pay for it?

[aquadoodledo]

Not at all M48.
We rarely decorate. I make a lot of things myself so rarely buying new items etc. I'd just like a bit of enthusiasm to help with the everyday things.

[aquadoodledo]

He will only spend money on absolute necessities. He's a very practical man who isn't fussed by things looking nice and I am the complete opposite... having a nice home means a lot to me. Not a perfect home-I'm not up to those standards! But just nice and welcoming.

[Nydj]

A cleaner isn't necessary was the reason? Does that mean that he only spends money on absolute necessities? Are neither of you 'allowed' to spend any money on things that will improve the quality of your life or does this rule only apply to you?

[littleleftie]

Ok, so either he gets his arse together and does his fair share, or he, yes, he pays for a cleaner/gardner/ironing service.

[aquadoodledo]

Scandi-chick: I think me working part-time has a lot to do with it, but when we've discussed it in the past he's always said he 'doesn't see mess as a problem.' I once demanded we had a cleaner if he wasnt going to help me and he refused it based on the fact that cleaning 'isnt necessary.' He does help me now, but it's the constant reminding and badgering I have to do that really gets me down. A lot of men I know see having a clean tidy house as important as many of my female friends. My DH just doesn't. It was very accepted that he was just a 'messy person' throughout his upbringing. Changing his ways is really hard.