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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH how do I deal with this without causing ww3?

32 replies

Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 11:01

Background:ExH finally moved out in May after very difficult few years of no communication pa behaviour.
Mortgage & all bills except council tax he pays dd. Since he moved I've paid him the mortgage amount each month. He lives in a 1 bed flat 15 miles away.
So- He comes to see the kids x2 evenings a week and one weekend day. he lets himself in/makes coffee/puts his feet up/falls asleep/expects to be fed/does nothing in particular with the kids. This morning for instance he turns up, makes a coffee, does a dump, suggests a movie day with the kids Confused All while I'm here as 'default parent'. I know lots of you hate that phrase but it's spot on for this situation. I don't want to go out I have mountains of ironing etc to do & im taking the kids out & swimming tomorrow.
Also - I just don't want to spend time with him, he's irritating, do I have to for the kids sake? Can I insist he gives the key back, do I have any rights about this?
He is very passive aggressive & makes me feel awful & like a bitch if I complain about this. I just joked is there no loo roll at yours & he stomped off looking like a kicked puppy now I'm going to feel bad & knot in my stomach all day. I can't sleep the night before he's coming. Do I have a right to a private space?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 21/11/2015 11:03

Yes, you do.

You need to sort out an arrangement that doesn't involve him still getting to treat you as his skivvy at weekends.

WWW3 sounds preferable to what you have now.

Morganly · 21/11/2015 11:10

You are going to need to divorce so that you can make proper financial and childcare arrangements. See a solicitor to find out whether you are likely to be able to stay in the house or whether you will have to sell up. Until the situation with the house is decided, he has as much right to be in the house as you do.

Original poster
Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 11:18

Until the situation with the house is decided, he has as much right to be in the house as you do
Ohhhh God really?? This is just what I was dreading. Why? I pay him the mortgage amount, do I have as much right to his flat as he does?? Shit Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 11:20

Thanks for the reply though, I will have to put up with this.
I don't want to divorce until 2 years up because using unreasonable behaviour would inflame him & as much as I'm sure there are people here that can deal with that, I can't. I know I won't sleep or eat from the stress of it.

OP posts:
Morganly · 21/11/2015 11:22

Sorry, but presumably it's a joint marital asset in which case it's half his until you come to a final settlement. His flat is irrelevant. Get to a solicitor asap.

pocketsaviour · 21/11/2015 11:23

Have you spoken about the long term housing and financial arrangements yet?

PPs are correct that legally as long as you are both still on the mortgage, he owns the property in common with you and technically should have right of access. However, I'd guess a solicitor may say that if he's been living in a new place since May, he's given up occupation and should not expect free access.

What are your plan? Can you afford to buy him out or are you going to seek a mesher? Do you have a solicitor yet?

pocketsaviour · 21/11/2015 11:25

X-post. Do you really think that when you serve him the divorce papers after 2 years, it won't still inflame this nasty, bullying piece of shit? And you know he can then refuse the divorce anyway?

You are still very frightened of him, aren't you? He is still controlling you and demonstrating to his children that he can treat you with utter contempt.

Original poster
Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 11:28

I can't afford to buy him out no. What's a mesher? My general plan was to stay here until divorce, sell & both buy smaller house. No I haven't seen a soliticter im slightly terrified that I'm not going to have the money for the mortgage if I need to pay hundreds in soliciter fees arrrr sounds like I'm going to have to

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe4th · 21/11/2015 11:31

As others have said upthread he has access.

The main problem from your OP is that you are afraid of him & afraid of the consequences if you upset him. You cannot do anything about the living situation/access/finances until you divorce & at the moment you are putting his anger & his reaction above everything else, which means that you won't get any legal advice or seek to make changes as things stand.

Ask yourself what's the worst possible thing that can happen! If you are divorcing anyway & your solicitor will be able to speak for you regarding money & access, what is it that you're afraid of? I don't mean this lightly as your reaction speaks to me of emotional abuse from him & I don't know what he has done to you. But what's the worst case scenario if he came round tonight & you said to him 'that's it, I'm done with you & I'm divorcing you'.

I think you need to be more in control Brew

Original poster
Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 11:31

And you know he can then refuse the divorce anyway? ????? What surely not please god no so I can't ever divorce him????
Yes he's extremely controlling but in a very weak pathetic aren't I a nice man passive way. Hard to explain him.

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe4th · 21/11/2015 11:34

You don't need his permission to divorce & even if he refused to divorce you then it doesn't mean you have to stay married :)

You need some legal advice OP, maybe pay for a one off session to get your head around what he can/can't do....

RandomMess · 21/11/2015 11:52

You need to sort the finances out in preparation for divorcing anyway. You can get financial separation without being divorced I believe.

If he is racking up debts then that will be a marital debt at the moment.

I'm really sorry but you need to tackle this head on or carry on as you are forever...

pocketsaviour · 21/11/2015 12:04

If you wait to divorce on grounds of 2 years' separation, he can refuse to consent to the divorce, at which point you'd have to wait for 5 years to pass before you can divorce on separation without consent.

On Monday, why not ring round some local family law solicitors and ask for a free half hour initial appointment with each? Take with you details of how much the house is worth (roughly), how much mortgage is outstanding, how much you each earn, etc.

Say he's moved out since May and what they would advise with regard to access. Make it clear that he is emotionally abusive to you and that he's deliberately making you uncomfortable when he comes round.

Of course you could just change the locks. And then when he asks for a new one, say "Oh sorry, I keep forgetting to get one cut." He would have to take you to court to force you to give him a new copy, which he might not bother doing, especially if he hasn't yet instructed a solicitor.

Or you could have the conversation with him that access at the house is confusing for the kids and not helping them understand and accept that the two of you are split up, and from now on he will need to take them to his place or just out elsewhere. (Does his family live nearby?)

RandomMess · 21/11/2015 12:32

It is worth asking a solicitor if there are grounds for you to have an occupation order - that is it's still a full marital asset but he doesn't have the right to enter it anymore.

Also why are you giving him the mortgage money and not just paying it direct to the mortgage account - I would think it far better you do that so their is evidence that you have been paying the mortgage not him!!! Was that his suggestion btw?

Original poster
Katiekatiekatiekay · 21/11/2015 12:39

Yes that was his suggestion. He doesn't want his name / account details removed from anything associated with the house

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/11/2015 13:19

He's a lying toad!!!

You are married none of that matters! His name is presumably on the deeds of the house anyway.

Stop paying him the money and start paying it into the mortgage account direct - how do you even know he is paying it...

Are you getting all copies of letters from the mortgage company?

SolidGoldBrass · 21/11/2015 13:26

You do not need his permission or his co-operation to get rid of him from the larger part of your life.
As PP said, get a free half-hour with a solicitor (more than one, in fact) to start with. Then (based on the advice you recieve) tell your H what is going to happen. Don't ask him, don't negotiate, just tell him: he is no longer going to be admitted to the house, divorce proceedings are beginning, whether or not the house is going to be sold, how the mortgage is to be paid, etc.
And don't listen to whining, or pleading, or insults. Put the phone down/shut the door in his face/walk into another room.

He is not your friend. He is not a nice person. You don't have to worry about how he feels. And from now on, he only gets to communicate with you if he can be civilised.

category12 · 21/11/2015 13:27

By living elsewhere, he has given up occupancy, so no he doesn't have the right to treat the house like it's his. He has a financial interest in it, but he doesn't live there, you do. And you are entitled to peaceful enjoyment of the property you live in. Get legal advice. He doesn't get to wander in and do whatever because he doesn't live there.

I would pay the mortgage directly - that doesn't take his name off it, but does show you're contributing.

Make him see the kids at his flat.

Castrovalva · 21/11/2015 13:28

expects to be fed

I do hope you are not feeding him

SassyPasty · 21/11/2015 13:40

You don't need his permission to have his name taken off the bills. You need to get an arrangement in place where he pays you the correct maintenance plus he pays his share of the mortgage. This grey arrangement of him paying bills is playing into his hands. You need to be paying your household bills from your income (e.g. salary, maintenance, child benefit and tax credits if applicable). Get some decent advice from a solicitor and know your rights - then exercise them. Best of luck Flowers

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 21/11/2015 14:05

You NEED legal advice asap. The way you phrased it above, it sounds like you don't want to see a solicitor because you found the whole situation frightening. That's why you need to see one! (And bear in mind that if you don't click with the first one, it's fine to shop around.)

For the time being, talk to him and say that he is welcome in the house (you don't have to tell him that that is the legal position!) but that he's not entitled to use your food. You can't really stop him using the loo, you'll just have to put up with that - maybe buy the cheapest loo paper (and the cheapest coffee) to switch out when you see his car pull up Grin Just tell him you're having to economize...

newname99 · 21/11/2015 15:15

It may legally be 50% his house but for now it's your home and he has a different home.I think you need to take advice and have the conversation with him.The debate has to happen at some stage and you are in limbo until then.

Shutthatdoor · 21/11/2015 15:22

where he pays you the correct maintenance plus he pays his share of the mortgage.

Yes he does have to pay the correct maintenance. No he doesn't necessarily have to pay towards the mortgage as he isn't living there and is paying his own rent.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/11/2015 15:31

You need to sell the marital home and buy a new smaller home each. And don't give him a key! You can do your divorce on line. Mine cost £450 approx. Thru a Solicitor it will be an awful lot more - about £1500 I think. The On-line service is very easy - someone holds your hand thru the whole process. He can't stop you divorcing him. In Scotland, if you've lived part for one year, he can't stop it. I think it might be two years in England.

Offred · 21/11/2015 18:57

Poor advice on this thread.

Since he has moved out and into another property and you continue to occupy the family home he does not have a right to treat the place as his home.

He has rights to access as a LL would - reasonable and with notice. You are the occupier. He has a financial interest in the property and he could assert a right to occupy but now he has moved out he would need to use the court to get back in.