Am I being a bitch to want more?

[howhasitgotothis]

I'll try and be brief!
My Dh and I have been together for 13 years. We have a DS who's 3. We used to have a lot of fun going out when we didn't have DS, but now I feel like going out clubbing with mates is really all we had in common. I don't feel like we share interests now.
That's only part of the problem, my main issue is that I feel like my husband is participating in our lives rather than contributing.
Positives: He's brilliant with DS, he spends really quality time with him playing. He takes him out on walks and to the park and they enjoy their time together. He does bath and bedtime pretty much every night while I do the cooking. As a husband he is financially dependable (he doesn't earn masses but it's enough), I know he loves me, he's pretty chilled about what I do and let's me have time with friends and freedom. He's attractive and intelligent.
Negatives for me: He doesn't take the initiative in anything, either big or small. He does do stuff around the house, but he thinks if he's unstacked the dishwasher or put a load in the washing machine then he's done his bit for the day. I'm constantly picking stuff up behind DH and DS, he can live with mess around him, whereas I find it difficult. We've lived in our house for 2 years and I think he's cleaned the bathroom twice. He's got a load of old paperwork shoved into files which all needs sorting and shredding or filing. I put it up in the loft because I was sick of looking at it, but he needed to get something so it all came back down again and he promised my faithfully that he would sort it out. That was 6 months ago, it's still in the corner of out bedroom. I do all the household filing and paperwork. I sort all insurances, car tax and MOT, he wouldn't have a clue if we were properly insured or not. We have a mortgage based life insurance policy which was attached to our old property so if we drop down dead then it wouldn't be enough to cover our current mortgage, we spoke about it when we first moved in but he is completely oblivious that it still needs sorting.
His driving licence is still registered at his mum's house, he's 41! His passport has just run out and I have this feeling that it will probably get to holiday time and it will be a mad rush to sort it out.
I have been the driving force of the homes we have bought, they've both been do-er up-ers, unless I say shall we do such and such it will not get done. We currently have a project which will basically pay off our mortgage when it's finished, I instigated us doing it.
Even driving, it's improved over the last few weeks but over the years, I've been like a driving instructor when going anywhere because he can't be arsed to remember the way round our city!
I could actually go on and on with examples over the years.
Fundamentally, I just want him to have a bit more passion about stuff. To suggest stuff and have an opinion.
He's not much of a talker, most conversations are started by me.
I would be flabbergasted if one weekend he said 'right, let's do such and such'. It always gets to the weekend and I casually suggest stuff to do as a family and I all I get is 'yeah' or 'I don't know/mind'.
Like I say, I could go on and on. I'm just getting really tired with having to keep the ship sailing.
We have spoken about this a few times over the years. A couple months ago I was really down about it and I told him it was making me unhappy. He always agrees that he should take more initiative and he makes an effort for a few weeks but then it goes back to normal. He has a terrible memory which I think is part of the problem but other people manage to conduct their lives by writing lists and reminders for themselves.
Sorry turned into an essay!!
Am I being unreasonable to want more out of a marriage?

[TopOfTheCliff]

My XH walks round with a face like a wounded chicken. He cried in front of the DC and told his woes to all my mates to win them over. But he found someone else within 3 months and seems to be perfectly okay without me. It was all manipulative like Offred said.

[Offred]

He 'couldn't speak to' utility companies on the phone when we were together but managed to have the locks changed on the family home as soon as I got the keys to this house and before I had moved my stuff/his notice on his flat had run out.

[Offred]

I wish XH would find someone else!! He is fixated with 'being alone'...

[Anomaly]

If he reads books on enlightenment see if he'll read the book wifework. For me that book was really good for my DH and our marriage.

I think though you do sound a bit past caring though. Maybe some counselling for you would help so you're clear in your own mind what you want.

[Offred]

YY to counselling for you!

[howhasitgotothis]

Not nice for the DC's. I don't think DH would do the whole sad face thing in front of DS (he's only 3), for all his faults he's a great dad , so he would certainly have his best interests at heart. As one pp said, I know that parenting with him would still be mutual doable.
It's hard because I feel sadness that our lives won't pan out the way we had hoped when we got married.

[Offred]

You've really got stuff to think about.

I can only tell you what happened to me. Your life and your marriage is your own and you've got to do what is right for you.

I stupidly thought XH and I would be able to co-parent amicably. It failed TBH. No I have pretty much gone NC with him and things are set up so childcare is largely swapped over by one of us dropping at school and the other picking up.

[Offred]

It has massively reduced tension for the DC. Before this arrangement he would mope around in my house for hours being sad at me and creating stress for the DC.

[howhasitgotothis]

Anomaly, thanks for the book suggestion. I'll take a look.
I've been looking at counselling, I will do it . I suggested couples to DH, he would be willing but I feel like I'd like to go on my own.

[Offred]

I've read wife work too. My sister bought it for me when I was still with XH. It's very good.

[howhasitgotothis]

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful to hear your stories.

[TheMarxistMinx]

Wife work is so dreadfully dull to read...you may find he prefers filing his paperwork to hours of what probably will seem to him like nagging in some alternative format!

[Offred]

Ha ha ha! I didn't find it dull but then what I'm mainly reading atm is property/land law!

[ravenmum]

My husband used to put the bins out on bin day. That was the only household job he felt fully responsible for. If I asked him to do other stuff he acted like it was inconvenient. If I asked again or complained about his attitude I was nagging. His main excuse for not doing stuff was that even if he did it, i'd say he'd done it wrong. Example: he would buy random things without checking what we needed, so we'd end up with 20 eggs in the fridge or three loaves of bread. I asked him not to buy random stuff, and this was proof that whatever he did it was never right in my eyes; his excuse for doing nothing.

I was stupid enough to feel bad about this and feel like a horrible nag. When he got himself an OW I felt like it was partly my fault. As soon as he left, the everyday resentment and stress was gone. I am enjoying not feeling like a nag any more. It isn't just about a cleaning rota, its about being made to feel like a cow. Or his mother. Or the wife of a 1970s comedian.

[Offred]

Yes, XH's job was putting the bins out. He pointedly stopped doing it when we split. Even after he moved out he was over every morning for breakfast, I was still making his dinner and he was hanging out at my house all day at the weekends. He refused to do anything in the house to punish me. His presence was so oppressive I eventually retreated into my bedroom whenever he was there which meant I basically never saw my kids. He has the confidence to punish me but not to actually be in an equal relationship...

[Handywoman]

this is an easier read than Wifework

[howhasitgotothis]

Ok, I've been thinking about it a lot this morning.
It's not the housework thing that bothers me that much really. I can deal with just getting on with that stuff myself.
It's more the lack of taking initiative/interest in doing anything. Like I said, our house is a do-er up-er, any room that we've done is because I have taken charge of it. All the cupboards are filled with stuff, I feel like the house is overflowing but he's happy to just live with it. We could board the loft out so some stuff can get put up there but there's no action.
Anything big or small it's down to me to suggest/think/sort. He will do stuff if asked but I'm sick of being the team leader and pushing our family forward while he is just along for the ride.
We do the DIY together, but he doesn't really enjoy it. He makes it known that when he's had enough, he's had enough.
We wouldn't see friends if it wasn't for me organising, he doesn't make an effort to see his friends, he waits until they invite him somewhere.
Oh I don't know, it's really difficult to write without sounding like I'm expecting too much. The thing is fundamentally he's not a go getter, and to change things to how I would like them to be would be changing his personality. It would be like him asking me to not be so ambitious and just be content with my lot, and that would make me unhappy.

[TheMarxistMinx]

And fundamentally he can't change. The more pressure you except upon him the more he will also be unhappy.