Lonely and feel really down about it

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

I'm a bit of a lurker, but have been on Mumsnet (with various NN) for a while now.

I'm currently going through a horrible, acrimonious divorce from an EA man (it's taken over 18 months, and probably won't be properly sorted for another 4 or 5 months). It's taken its toll on me, and my mental and physical health.

I'm working full time now, and I haven't been able to carry on doing the hobbies I used to do, as they are on days that I work. All of my friends are married, and are at the stages where their children are late teens/adults, so they are free-er to go out with their other halves, go on holiday and for weekends away etc. I'm so lonely - it feels like everyone is off to Paris for long weekends, or going to see the new Bond film and have a meal, going for a Friday night curry, or having (couple) friends over and I have no one to do those kind of things with.

I really miss the hobby groups I used to go to (can't say too much about what they are, as it would out me) and I haven't been able to find similar ones that I can get to that fit around my working hours. I love my job, and I work in possibly the most caring and lovely place you could find, but that's all I do - go to work, work and come home again. And at the weekends I either visit an ill family member, or do chores at home, on my own. I quite often don't speak to anyone at all from Friday evening when I leave work until Monday morning, when I'm back at work.

I joined Meet Up, but I can't find any local groups with a late enough starting time for me to get to them - I work in central London and have to commute back. I'd really like some local friends to pop to the cinema or out for a coffee with, in the evenings and at weekends. My married friends seem to spend all their time with their OHs or other couples.

I have managed to take most of my annual leave from work, but I have either visited my very elderly parents (my only family) or spent the time on my own. I do enjoy my own company, but I am not yet ready to go on holiday on my own, or do things like the cinema on my own.

I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can say to help, I just needed to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading!

[KoalaDownUnder]

Just wanted to say hi, and I know exactly how you feel.

I am going to stop trying to maintain proper friendships with married couples. I've realised it is just making me feel awful. Popped in to see one of my very oldest friends in my way home on Sat arvo, her husband said she was out shopping. But haven't had a text to say hi, or sorry I missed seeing you. Ibarrkyvsee her from one month to the next, and she lives 10 mins away.

I know people are busy and have their own priorities, I'm not blaming her. It just makes me feel more lonely than I already am, and I have to stop engaging with her for my own self-preservation.

Unfortunately, this is how it is with all my married friends. I don't have children for theirs to play with, or a partner to do coupley things with. And it's as if, by myself, I'm just not 'enough'.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I barely see her, that's meant to say! (Posting from phone at 4 a.m. )

[RedMapleLeaf]

I feel almost ashamed for saying I feel lonely, like it's somehow an awful reflection on me, and that I'm somehow lacking, or that there's something wrong with me.

I read recently that we never feel shame for being hungry or thirsty or cold, so why do we place a moral judgement on being lonely? The need for company is as natural as our other needs.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

RedMaple that's true, there shouldn't be any shame. But there is

Koala more unMumsnetty hugs

[springydaffs]

I hesitate to say I've been at this alone lark for some time - don't get depressed now! - and I have so made it my own. Remember when you were coupled up, or whatever, and you had a spare afternoon/day - and had a WONDERFUL time? My life is like that every day

I have SUCH a good time! I absolutely luxuriate in doing lovely things. I have total choice what I do, when and how.

Obvs, it's taken a while to get here. I had all that crushing shame of being alone - what a waste of time. I really mind that I wasted that time. Our modern/postmodern western structure is obsessed with privacy and choice, to the point our lives, societal structure, have become incredibly insulated... to protect our little nuclear family (argh). No nuclear family (or any family in my case)? Completely stuffed.

That's not my fault! That has zero to do with me personally, it is the society I live in. The obsession with 'friends' - intense pressure to be connected socially as an essential - is out of control. As well as fake.

That's not to say I don't have needs for connection and belonging - but that is separate to the intense rabid pressure to be SEEN to belong and connect. It's good to make the distinction.

Btw one of the things that is a highlight for me is going to the cinema on my own. I much prefer it to going with other people. Biggest treat.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Thanks,Batshit

Springydaffs, I really enjoyed your post - very wise and true!!

[Fluffybrain]

Love your post Springydaffs. After 6 months alone I think I am just starting to get a taste of what you mean by "total choice". I am going to see where it takes me. Got to be a better place than where those controlling fuckwitts took me.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

springy thank you- I totally get what you're saying. When my children were young, an hour to myself, all alone in the house, felt like heaven!

I am getting there - due to the unpleasant circumstances surrounding the divorce, I am still in the same house as STBXH, so obviously not quite as free to luxuriate, unless he's out. But there will be that glorious day when I have my own place ... !

Weirdly, I'm quite busy this weekend and am enjoying being in the house on my own this afternoon, while the wind and rain rages outside!