Lonely and feel really down about it

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

I'm a bit of a lurker, but have been on Mumsnet (with various NN) for a while now.

I'm currently going through a horrible, acrimonious divorce from an EA man (it's taken over 18 months, and probably won't be properly sorted for another 4 or 5 months). It's taken its toll on me, and my mental and physical health.

I'm working full time now, and I haven't been able to carry on doing the hobbies I used to do, as they are on days that I work. All of my friends are married, and are at the stages where their children are late teens/adults, so they are free-er to go out with their other halves, go on holiday and for weekends away etc. I'm so lonely - it feels like everyone is off to Paris for long weekends, or going to see the new Bond film and have a meal, going for a Friday night curry, or having (couple) friends over and I have no one to do those kind of things with.

I really miss the hobby groups I used to go to (can't say too much about what they are, as it would out me) and I haven't been able to find similar ones that I can get to that fit around my working hours. I love my job, and I work in possibly the most caring and lovely place you could find, but that's all I do - go to work, work and come home again. And at the weekends I either visit an ill family member, or do chores at home, on my own. I quite often don't speak to anyone at all from Friday evening when I leave work until Monday morning, when I'm back at work.

I joined Meet Up, but I can't find any local groups with a late enough starting time for me to get to them - I work in central London and have to commute back. I'd really like some local friends to pop to the cinema or out for a coffee with, in the evenings and at weekends. My married friends seem to spend all their time with their OHs or other couples.

I have managed to take most of my annual leave from work, but I have either visited my very elderly parents (my only family) or spent the time on my own. I do enjoy my own company, but I am not yet ready to go on holiday on my own, or do things like the cinema on my own.

I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can say to help, I just needed to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading!

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

springy thank you- I totally get what you're saying. When my children were young, an hour to myself, all alone in the house, felt like heaven!

I am getting there - due to the unpleasant circumstances surrounding the divorce, I am still in the same house as STBXH, so obviously not quite as free to luxuriate, unless he's out. But there will be that glorious day when I have my own place ... !

Weirdly, I'm quite busy this weekend and am enjoying being in the house on my own this afternoon, while the wind and rain rages outside!

[Fluffybrain]

Love your post Springydaffs. After 6 months alone I think I am just starting to get a taste of what you mean by "total choice". I am going to see where it takes me. Got to be a better place than where those controlling fuckwitts took me.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Thanks,Batshit

Springydaffs, I really enjoyed your post - very wise and true!!

[springydaffs]

I hesitate to say I've been at this alone lark for some time - don't get depressed now! - and I have so made it my own. Remember when you were coupled up, or whatever, and you had a spare afternoon/day - and had a WONDERFUL time? My life is like that every day

I have SUCH a good time! I absolutely luxuriate in doing lovely things. I have total choice what I do, when and how.

Obvs, it's taken a while to get here. I had all that crushing shame of being alone - what a waste of time. I really mind that I wasted that time. Our modern/postmodern western structure is obsessed with privacy and choice, to the point our lives, societal structure, have become incredibly insulated... to protect our little nuclear family (argh). No nuclear family (or any family in my case)? Completely stuffed.

That's not my fault! That has zero to do with me personally, it is the society I live in. The obsession with 'friends' - intense pressure to be connected socially as an essential - is out of control. As well as fake.

That's not to say I don't have needs for connection and belonging - but that is separate to the intense rabid pressure to be SEEN to belong and connect. It's good to make the distinction.

Btw one of the things that is a highlight for me is going to the cinema on my own. I much prefer it to going with other people. Biggest treat.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

RedMaple that's true, there shouldn't be any shame. But there is

Koala more unMumsnetty hugs

[RedMapleLeaf]

I feel almost ashamed for saying I feel lonely, like it's somehow an awful reflection on me, and that I'm somehow lacking, or that there's something wrong with me.

I read recently that we never feel shame for being hungry or thirsty or cold, so why do we place a moral judgement on being lonely? The need for company is as natural as our other needs.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I barely see her, that's meant to say! (Posting from phone at 4 a.m. )

[KoalaDownUnder]

Just wanted to say hi, and I know exactly how you feel.

I am going to stop trying to maintain proper friendships with married couples. I've realised it is just making me feel awful. Popped in to see one of my very oldest friends in my way home on Sat arvo, her husband said she was out shopping. But haven't had a text to say hi, or sorry I missed seeing you. Ibarrkyvsee her from one month to the next, and she lives 10 mins away.

I know people are busy and have their own priorities, I'm not blaming her. It just makes me feel more lonely than I already am, and I have to stop engaging with her for my own self-preservation.

Unfortunately, this is how it is with all my married friends. I don't have children for theirs to play with, or a partner to do coupley things with. And it's as if, by myself, I'm just not 'enough'.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

And, oh God yes, the actual divorce - I think my friends are finally realising what kind of man I married, when they hear the crap he is doing and saying. His family still think he's 'so nice' ....

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Hillfarmer it sounds awful to say I'm glad someone knows what I mean (because it means they're going through it too, and I wouldn't wish feeling like this on anybody),but I really appreciate you posting. Must be so much harder with small children unMumsnetty hug

I feel almost ashamed for saying I feel lonely, like it's somehow an awful reflection on me, and that I'm somehow lacking, or that there's something wrong with me. And as my EA marriage already left me feeling like that, well, it's hard to bear, to be honest. Wondering wtf is wrong with me, as well as being alone and lonely. The bright point is that however bad I feel, I know it is better than how I felt in my marriage, and that I have at least halted further 'damage' from staying in that situation.

I do see a counsellor, who is helping, but I can see it's going to be a long process

[Hillfarmer]

p.s. Acrimonious divorce from an EA man - I am totally with you there. Mine took years and it took the stuffing out of me - couldn't believe how much more hostile and obstructive he could be after we separated. God knows why I thought he might mellow once we weren't living together. On the contrary, he was outraged I could divorce him without his bloody say-so.

Recovering from that is intermittent and non-linear, I found. You think you should be through it, and then you definitely feel like you're not. Then you feel crap that you're not through it when you thought you were. It's backwards and forwards, and then sometimes you realise you're coping with a particular shit thing a lot better than you were. Gradually the percentage of 'shit things' that you manage better increases. Doesn't sound much, but I thing that is the yardstick of recovery.

[Hillfarmer]

Hello Batshit,

I'm quite lonely too. I'm divorced and my children are young, so they are physically there a lot (climbing all over me)but I still get incredibly, existentially lonely - certainly in the last week when it's been half term and there is NO back-up, just me. I feel aggrieved and angry that this wasn't part of the plan: it's not that I can't cope, it's that I didn't want to be coping alone. It has been a tough week and I feel really sad and 'not good enough' a lot of the time. Seeing other couples, even friends you really like, is sometimes difficult. Parks are difficult at weekends - Christ you have to go to bloody parks don't you? - as there are 'nice dads' with their kids, and it still stabs me in the chest. I simply avoid places where 'nice dad' syndrome may kick in - I know it is my weak spot, so rather than tough it out (=torturing myself), I strategically by-pass.

However, for me there is nothing nicer, when it is one of my weekends off, to go to the cinema on my own. I like the feeling of being anonymous. If you feel it's too couply at weekends, try the afternoon. I also would not go local to me as I don't want to bump into anyone I know. I love going to a cinema in the middle of London and 'disappearing'. I don't have to explain myself to anyone and just enjoy my own company. This may be something to do with the fact that I am climbed over during the week.

I'm in a different place to you, but there is nothing harder than that lonely feeling. Solidarity to you, sister.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Fluffy I'm sure that is a very good idea, and beneficial for the person and the volunteer, however I spent decades of my life as a carer, and I now selfishly want to do my own thing and not 'give' any more. I do work for a charity, though!

blushing I think that's a great idea - sign me up!

[Fluffybrain]

Ha! Well yes quite! All the lined through text is true. Couples are not necessarily happy. I did think I wonder if any of these people think I'm sad for going to the cinema on my own but there were others who were on their own. And I don't want to care what strangers think of me. I've spent far too much time caring what other people think. So I'm trying to just accept being single and find a way of being ok with it. It doesn't make us less worthy because we are not part of a couple right now.

[blushingbelinda]

I'm in a similar position batshit but I have no family. I was thinking of putting a thread on here asking other local singles if they'd like to get together/start a group. What d'you think?

[Fluffybrain]

Also, I am considering volunteering. I haven't got much time to commit but I came across Silver Lines in a magazine once. You have a half hour phone call with an elderly person who can't get out much and wants someone to talk to once a week. They match you up with someone of similar interests where possible. www.thesilverline.org.uk

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Fluffy I think I would go to the cinema if I could go during a weekday, as my local cinema is quite quiet then. In the evenings and weekends it's packed, and full of couples - it feels like it's really 'in my face' that I'm on my own even though lots of those couples may hate each other's guts/be indifferent to each other/just bumbling along - and therefore not in a lovely relationship at all

[Fluffybrain]

I went to the cinema on my own the other day. Made a point of it as it's something I used to do with my ex. I think I've been 3 times on my own ever. I enjoyed it. It's something you can do alone and it not feel silly. You are unlikely to meet anyone going to the cinema but there's no reason you can't go alone. I might go again alone soon. I saw The Martian and might go and see Spectre next. I can choose what to see and nobody there to moan about my choice and have to compromise with. Yay!

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Women's Institute?

I looked into the WI. There are two groups a few miles from home - one meets at 2 pm on a weekday, the other at 4 pm on a weekday.

[SoleBizzzz]

Women's Institute?

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Cain thanks - I have been looking into that, too.

(Sorry for not coming back to reply sooner - I now have to reset my password every time I try and log into MN - no idea why that is??).

I have found a group (one of my hobbies) that meets up near to my home, so I am looking to join that, as well. There is no 'online register' for this particular hobby, so it seems like it's complete chance if you find a group!

[CainInThePunting]

A slightly 'long way round' suggestion but what about looking at groups you could join near your work for weekday evenings? It might expand your social circle and you never know, you might meet someone who also commutes from your area who you could also see at weekends?

Good luck, I hope something falls into place soon.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

I don't hang out with couples too much bcs it's like hanging out with the mega rich! It just does make one feel shit, less than, dissatisfied. Lovely for them and all that but I don't want it in my face, thanks.

That's exactly it,springy, it does make me feel worse!

I've had a little hunt around (I couldn't sleep last night) and I have found some walking type groups, so I will give that a go.

Sorry for taking a while to come back to my thread - I've never been able to log into MN on my phone for some reason, so I had to wait until I got home to my laptop!

[springydaffs]

I'm single and I keep a very close eye on the people I am socialising with re I keep socialising with couples to a minimum and actively cultivate single friends. Actually a lot of friends are in couples but loosely iyswim, not the big heavy in each others pockets (= dull!)

Walking groups are the best way to hook up with singles. Endless groups at all times of the day and evening; great way to hang out with petiole, very relaxed, hardly any social pressure.

I don't hang out with couples too much bcs it's like hanging out with the mega rich! It just does make one feel shit, less than, dissatisfied. Lovely for them and all that but I don't want it in my face, thanks.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

I think starting my own Meet Up group might be an idea. I only really have a whole free weekend every other week, due to visiting the family member I mentioned. I already have a lot of interests which I want to pursue because I love them and they make me very happy when I do them - I don't really want or need to find new things. I'm not in the slightest bit sporty or outdoorsy, a party/clubbing person or a bar/pub type.

I don't drink at the moment, and will probably be giving up my car (for financial reasons) soon, and don't have a lot of spare cash, which adds to the problem (otherwise I'd be on that yoga and pilates holiday in Portugal ....!!)

Seeyou - I really can't say what kind of place I work at (as it would totally out me!) but no, that isn't something that would happen!