Parental Alienation Syndrome: a horror story

[stargirl04]

(Warning: this is long, sorry.)

Hi, I just wondered if anyone had heard of this? It's recognised in America but less so in Britain, but I believe that it is an epidemic and there is a conspiracy of silence that perpetuates it.

My dear friend is heartbroken after her son moved out to live with his father a year ago or so. She is still struggling to come to terms with it, but the worst part is that her ex seems hell bent on turning the son against her and will stop at nothing to hurt her. He is embittered ever since she ended the marriage well over a decade ago.

She didn't cheat, steal from him or neglect him - she was in love with him and was a great wife - all she did wrong was divorce him after many years of being abused.

He cheated on her and was emotionally abusive - he is a misogynist and a bully - she was and is still terrified of him and even his own mother is afraid of him. She finally left after he slapped her and pushed her, fearful of worse to come.

Her son was only small at the time. The sad thing was that she thought she was getting out of the marriage for a better life for herself and her boy. But the ex continued to abuse her by sending nasty texts and making access handovers deeply unpleasant - he once spat in her face without any provocation whatsoever - my friend is too terrified to antagonise him.

He didn't even want to see his son much when he was small, only taking an interest as the boy got older.

I have known my friend 35 years and she a moral, decent, hard-working and wonderful person who adores her son and has only ever done her best for him. She's never bad-mouthed her ex in front of her son and never stopped him seeing his dad - indeed she encouraged it - because she wanted what was best for him.

The injustice is heartbreaking.

Her ex didn't even want her to have the child in the first place. He had his own business which was failing but refused to give it up, so she worked full time and paid the mortgage and all the bills.

When she had their son his abuse of her got worse and even though he'd stopped running his business he refused to get a job, so she carried on working to pay the bills. To this day he blames her for his business failing and reckons she "cost him thousands", which is laughable, as she was the one paying for everything. He is delusional.

I have been witness to all of this over the years.

As the boy got older and spent more time with his dad, things got worse. In the last year or two before he left, he was very disrespectful towards her. She knew what was coming and sadly her worst fears were realised when her son told her, aged 15, that he was moving out to live with his dad.

The tales he is being spun are incredible and he is having poison dripped into his ears by the ex. The way her ex has framed it, he was such a devoted father - up all night with the baby, feeding him, changing nappies - when the fact is he didn't do any of that. The fantasy he's woven is such that he virtually gave birth! He just lies and lies and lies.

He's harassed my friend via the CSA, alleging that she was refusing to pay child support, when the reality was that he wouldn't set up a bank account for her to pay the money into because he "didn't want her having access to his accounts".

She pays him nearly £300 a month, yet when she sees her son there are holes in his jumpers and his trousers are too short.

Her ex badmouths her and tars her character at every opportunity. Her son now cancels their arrangements regularly and has now resorted to telling her that he will only see her if "the rules are followed". He wants to park his "expensive" bike in her newly decorated hallway, when there is a perfectly good garage he can put the bike in, but refuses to.

She's caved in over the bike issue but it still isn't good enough.

Now her son has sent her a text saying she needs counselling and that he is not a child anymore and can make his own decisions. He's 16. He treats his mother abominably but she is still there for him, telling him she loves him and waiting patiently for him to see the light and be the lovely son again that he once was. What else can she do?

The father is also at war with his employers - he is the union rep and is currently off long-term sick with an imaginary work-induced "injury". The reality is that he is idle and resents having to work for a living. A rebel without a cause.

My friend is on the phone to me most days upset.

She wonders if she made a mistake ending the marriage, or if she should have moved far away with her son from her ex, or goes back over everything she's said and done wondering if she's a bad mother.

I try to support her as best I can but feel helpless and wondered if there is anyone out there who has any good advice to offer. She can't afford legal advice, unfortunately.

Sorry this is long. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I seriously think this issue needs bringing out into the open - there should be a huge media campaign about it because, from what I am hearing from other people, it is endemic.

[FeelTheNoise]

Apologies to everyone who has messaged me. I've been trying to find a way to send screenshots of the groups and I've been ill for the last couple of days. I'll send the info now x

[greenberet]

Mother it's not just when the fathers are left - I didn't leave - there were a couple of times I felt like I had had enough and this was before I knew MN even existed. But I think he thought maybe I was going to leave - he had the affair he chose to leave but I am still being punished for this and so are my kids.

It is all very PA - and this is the worst behaviour IMO

Thank you feel hope you're feeling better

[ferriswheel]

I have learned a lot from this thread. Thank you.

[MotherOfMinions]

No matter what the circumstances of the split are, these men will be just as controlling and abusive because it's in their nature and they cannot understand empathy and fairness. Unfortunately, Greenberet I don't feel a lot happier even though we split 6 years ago but I just keep hoping that one day things will be better.

[greenberet]

i agree with you Mother - i am still being controlled and my kids are in the middle still - christ knows what the long term impact will be on them - i was at my Gp yesterday feeling like i am already having a breakdown - hopefully i think i may have caught it just in time - the courts are way behind in their thinking in relation to children - its funny how they have changed their stance that mothers should no longer receive spousal even for long term marriages yet they still consider children need contact with abusive parents - the whole system is dysfunctional - it seems that nobody questions anything or is they are they are too slow to react - how many kids are going to suffer long term due to ineffective systems

if my X was paying his fare share that would be one less thing to have to deal with - but with this on top of all his other manipulation it wears me down - actually thinking about it he is making my job easier - if he was paying his whack it would be far more difficult to see the psychological mindgames - there just needs to be some action from CMS - if they were fining these individuals who abuse the incompetency of their own systems then at least the mothers would have some concrete evidence to support what they are saying.

[greenberet]

and maybe again I have answered my own question =- because they are so far behind and the left hand doesn't seem to know what the right hand is doing maybe they can't issue fines because in doing so they would also be highlighting their own incompetencies

[MotherOfMinions]

Yes, GreenBeret, the system allows these abusive men to get away with their behaviour and seems to be as misogynistic as them. It's very scary how much the rights of women have been erased in the last decade.