Parental Alienation Syndrome: a horror story

[stargirl04]

(Warning: this is long, sorry.)

Hi, I just wondered if anyone had heard of this? It's recognised in America but less so in Britain, but I believe that it is an epidemic and there is a conspiracy of silence that perpetuates it.

My dear friend is heartbroken after her son moved out to live with his father a year ago or so. She is still struggling to come to terms with it, but the worst part is that her ex seems hell bent on turning the son against her and will stop at nothing to hurt her. He is embittered ever since she ended the marriage well over a decade ago.

She didn't cheat, steal from him or neglect him - she was in love with him and was a great wife - all she did wrong was divorce him after many years of being abused.

He cheated on her and was emotionally abusive - he is a misogynist and a bully - she was and is still terrified of him and even his own mother is afraid of him. She finally left after he slapped her and pushed her, fearful of worse to come.

Her son was only small at the time. The sad thing was that she thought she was getting out of the marriage for a better life for herself and her boy. But the ex continued to abuse her by sending nasty texts and making access handovers deeply unpleasant - he once spat in her face without any provocation whatsoever - my friend is too terrified to antagonise him.

He didn't even want to see his son much when he was small, only taking an interest as the boy got older.

I have known my friend 35 years and she a moral, decent, hard-working and wonderful person who adores her son and has only ever done her best for him. She's never bad-mouthed her ex in front of her son and never stopped him seeing his dad - indeed she encouraged it - because she wanted what was best for him.

The injustice is heartbreaking.

Her ex didn't even want her to have the child in the first place. He had his own business which was failing but refused to give it up, so she worked full time and paid the mortgage and all the bills.

When she had their son his abuse of her got worse and even though he'd stopped running his business he refused to get a job, so she carried on working to pay the bills. To this day he blames her for his business failing and reckons she "cost him thousands", which is laughable, as she was the one paying for everything. He is delusional.

I have been witness to all of this over the years.

As the boy got older and spent more time with his dad, things got worse. In the last year or two before he left, he was very disrespectful towards her. She knew what was coming and sadly her worst fears were realised when her son told her, aged 15, that he was moving out to live with his dad.

The tales he is being spun are incredible and he is having poison dripped into his ears by the ex. The way her ex has framed it, he was such a devoted father - up all night with the baby, feeding him, changing nappies - when the fact is he didn't do any of that. The fantasy he's woven is such that he virtually gave birth! He just lies and lies and lies.

He's harassed my friend via the CSA, alleging that she was refusing to pay child support, when the reality was that he wouldn't set up a bank account for her to pay the money into because he "didn't want her having access to his accounts".

She pays him nearly £300 a month, yet when she sees her son there are holes in his jumpers and his trousers are too short.

Her ex badmouths her and tars her character at every opportunity. Her son now cancels their arrangements regularly and has now resorted to telling her that he will only see her if "the rules are followed". He wants to park his "expensive" bike in her newly decorated hallway, when there is a perfectly good garage he can put the bike in, but refuses to.

She's caved in over the bike issue but it still isn't good enough.

Now her son has sent her a text saying she needs counselling and that he is not a child anymore and can make his own decisions. He's 16. He treats his mother abominably but she is still there for him, telling him she loves him and waiting patiently for him to see the light and be the lovely son again that he once was. What else can she do?

The father is also at war with his employers - he is the union rep and is currently off long-term sick with an imaginary work-induced "injury". The reality is that he is idle and resents having to work for a living. A rebel without a cause.

My friend is on the phone to me most days upset.

She wonders if she made a mistake ending the marriage, or if she should have moved far away with her son from her ex, or goes back over everything she's said and done wondering if she's a bad mother.

I try to support her as best I can but feel helpless and wondered if there is anyone out there who has any good advice to offer. She can't afford legal advice, unfortunately.

Sorry this is long. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I seriously think this issue needs bringing out into the open - there should be a huge media campaign about it because, from what I am hearing from other people, it is endemic.

[springydaffs]

Your friend is cowed by her ex bcs she is lacking info and support. She needs to get into the survivors community: Womens Aid support groups, Freedom Programme. Forthwith! Absolutely immediately. Everything Lundy Bancroft. All, every and any books on domestic abuse - there are many out there.

I say 'survivors' community bcs she is currently in the 'victim' community. Easily done, I'm not pointing fingers, but once she gets shored up with the right info and support herl sense of powerlessness will diminish. She needs to focus on herself and get herself beefed up - which will naturally happen when she is packed up with info and support...

...About domestic abuse. Sadly, I have so far not found a community that addresses estranged children through domestic abuse - a horror of its own. I'm sure there are plenty of us... barely functioning tbf, too done in to get it together to, well, get together. But getting her head straight about domestic abuse will go a very long way to turning the tide for her. Her boy is currently the go-between, his father's mouthpiece, acting out his father's agenda to the letter.

When my boy was being a thug and a bully, I noticed m
y posture was cowed - literally curled over, cringing (I wouldn't have believed it off myself, but there I was, cringing). So I changed my posture: straight back, head up, looking him straight in the eye. Not challenging but not cowed. As he is 6' plus and I am small (like your friend) it took raising my head quite high - all the better! It had an immediate effect and the balance noticeably changed. He'd been fed, and swallowed, a diet that I was a pathetic, troublesome bitch drip (I agree with goddess on this: they are brainwashed and truly believe it), the altered stance went against that.

Currently, I have to play the long game. I am coming out of the totally debilitating shock and I am setting boundaries - unequivocal boundaries. It means I don't see them bcs they won't accept the uncowed me and want me to present myself as the whipping boy andare affronted I will no longer comply. It's good for them and it's good for me. I live in hope that the spell breaks - as it did for me! All those years of good parenting and a lovely childhood have to amount to something, surely...

I don't know how this is going to end up. Obviously, I hope I get them back. I pray a lot (tho even that is wordless these days): the psalms are good for this - even if your friend is not a believer the words accurately address loss like this and are a great comfort. There is a very good book called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud - it is a very Christian book but if she can hack that it is a respected book in the recovery community. Along those lines - Christian - there are sites out there for mothers in our position, predominantly American, therefore with a distinct Christian flavour - though not exclusively. Frankly, I'm not picky but your friend may be.

[AnyFucker]

Twinkle that is a great post

[springydaffs]

Which one AF?

Sorry I haven't been very coherent, op, it's not easy to stay on track with this stuff. My posts are addressed to your friend - will she see the thread?

You're a good friend to stick with her with this, op. But it must be exhausting, it is so unutterably bleak [ensures friend doesn't see the thread]. Are you looking after yourself? You say she calls you most days... argh

If us mother's in this position could get together we could be a support to one another and spare our poor friends

[AnyFucker]

Twinkle @ 14:31

Hope you are ok, springy

[stargirl04]

Hi Springy - I wouldn't tell my friend about this thread as she would be s**t scared in case her ex saw it.

I've just got home from work and I'm up again at 6.30am for an early shift so can't write a lengthy post but just wanted to say thanks so much for posting you experience. You are someone who could really help my friend and if she could meet people like you in her locality I think it would be a huge support for her.

It can be exhausting listening to her sometimes but she is my best pal and that's what friends are for - we met at school in our early teens and have been through life's ups and downs together. She's like family to me.

I just feel so sad for her and wish I could wave a magic wand and for everything to be okay.

Thanks once again for posting, Springy.

I like Twinklestein's ideas too: the way that she says my friend needs to get armed with all the information and support that she can, to start a self-education campaign, I guess. Which will lead to better things.

The more people she talks to: WA, Freedom programme, Respect, and reading that book recommended by Matrixreloaded, the more it will give her strength, I believe.

Thanks ladies for your wisdom, as always.

[springydaffs]

You do realise this is going to go on, unchanging, for a very, very long time. It will be the same hopelessness, year after year. Can you do that? I wouldn't be able to.

Since when would a bloke stumble across not only this site but this thread? OK there are plenty of men on here but I'd put a bet on it he isnt the type. The chances of him being on here are extremely slim.

As long as she is a terrified victim this has no hope of moving along. Ex doesn't have half, quarter, eighth!, the power she (and he) thinks he does. It's mostly fake, smoke and mirrors.

I wouldnt be able to hack being her support unless she embraces the domestic abuse (survivors!) community - courses, books etc. Or she'll drown in victimhood taking you with her . This is hard enough without her being terrified to breathe on top - especially as she doesn't have to be.

[springydaffs]

Thanks AF. I'm alright ta

What I mean, op, is that the immense grief of losing her boy, and being abused by her boy (in the exact-same way her ex abused her) will poleaxe her for a loooong time. There's not much anyone can do about that and you're good to support her. But she CAN do something about her fear of her ex - and in so doing, the fear of her boy and his abuse will diminish.

Has she never heard of domestic abuse support? There's a lot out there these days.

[Hissy]

There's no "syndrome", this is what happens when you allow/encourage a child to have access with someone who is too toxic for you. This is what happens when you don't arm your child with the truth. Age appropriate truth, but the absolute truth nonetheless.

Your friend has probably lost her ds. Her ex has created a monster, just like himself.

Toxic grand parents steal children to hurt the child's mother, toxic exes too. They don't want the child per se, they want to win.

[Hissy]

Never underestimate what else vile abusive bullies will do to hurt their victims. There is a chance that they come back.... But as springy says, by being weak in their eyes, the contempt force fed to them only magnifies.

[greenberet]

I agree that kids need to be told the truth - i never realised my marriage was abusive until it ended after 20 years - and it was the treatment since that allowed me to wake up. If I do not make my kids aware of how they are being manipulated and abused I am condoning the same thing happening to them in their own relationships and setting them up for a life of unhappiness and failure. My son is about to start with Camhs - he is a great boy but sadly can be abusive to his sister and myself- this is the behaviour he has learnt from my x and i know is a reflection of how he has been treated as a child and how he feels about himself - I will do everything I can to make sure I break this pattern.

[OnePingOnly]

springydaffs posts - wow, just wow.

So eloquent and brave. Thank you.

[CherryPicking]

Should we start a petition: 'abusive spouses are abusive parents' or something along those lines to try and get the law to take into account domestic abuse when making contact or residency arrangements?

[goawayalready]

yes cherrypicking and i will sign it


ive done it myself allowed contact between my boys and there abusive father because i had no clue as to the level of abuse and how it had effected me and now im facing the backlash of my actions via my own son

i thought i was doing the right thing boys need there fathers right?

wrong

[bigbuttons]

this has happen to me. It is heartbreaking.

[stargirl04]

Hi everyone. I haven't left the thread. Just working mental hours. I am reading everything and realising just how many people this has happened to.

Springydaffs: apologies as I wrongly attributed your ideas to another poster. Thank you so much for sharing your story and experience.

I'll be back posting properly after Thurs evening when my overwork hell is starting to ease off.

Many thanks to all posters. I greatly appreciate your input.

[snackajacker]

Sorry to pull up an old thread but this describes exactly what I am going through with my DD who is 8. Cafcass officer said she is really worried about how conflicted she is and how much my exs voice and words are coming out of her mouth.

DD resents me for not giving more contact time to her dad. Sometimes it feels like he's still living in my home.

OP how is your friend?

[Northernparent68]

Small children are vulnerable to parental alienation, but I do nt think it's possible for the non Residential father to alienate a child from his mother

[Aminuts23]

Snack you are not describing parental alienation. PA is much much more extreme than what you describe. It is an absolute brainwashing of a child to the point where they will not see/talk about their non resident parent. They usually have an ingrained fear of that parent without really knowing why, or their reasons are clearly those of the adult, not the child. The thought of any contact causes untold distress to the child. It’s a psychological damaging of the child and is devastating for the child and the parent who is affected. Parents who cause this are truly evil

[FeelTheNoise]

Northern my ex did that to his oldest child, right under my nose. He started the process years before.
I'm in several DV support groups and this type of alienation is endemic, it's rife, and services do nothing. In some situations it is only possible for a child to have one parent or the other.

[FeelTheNoise]

By the way, there are a few campaigns happening at the moment, about abusive parents being recognised as such, and about the safety of children being more important than access to both parents. If anyone would like more information, please pm me.

[greenberet]

I have just read this thread because I still feel I am being abused by my x and I was surprised to see I posted on this 23 Sept 2015!!!!

I've been posting recently all over the place - 2 years on my kids have been displaying aggressive behaviour to me - I know this is anger due to their mixed up life - my mental health has deteriorated - my divorce outcome was a financial disaster - I am angry and struggling I'll pm you feel

[greenberet]

Totally off topic but I've just checked your threads out springydaffs because something in back of my mind - it is the breast cancer connection - another one here believes this was the result of stress in an abusive marriage - how many others are there?

[Ttbb]

This kind of behaviour towards your child is recognised as emotional abuse-why doesn't she report him to SS

[Dowser]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in here as I don't want to start another thread as I don't want to nc and I don't want it to be totally out there.
I've just read this thread with dismay about what happens in situations like this.
You have my utmost sympathy.
My young friend has turned to me for support. She's separated from her abusive partner. Her two children aged 5 and 4 don't want to see their father.
I'm not privy to all the information on this situation. I really don't want to be as it is too distressing.
Just advice for her to turn to as it's going through the courts.
There's a huge 'outing' back story here I don't want to go into.
At the moment, they are lovely children and it would be heartbreaking to see them turned against their mother by a father who I feel wants to win at any cost.
He spends a lot of money dragging her into court. Money that would be better spent on his children I think.
I don't know too much about him. I have only met him once.

I never thought of women's aid as a resource for her. I shall mention it to her.
It's so very sad. For all the children and parents.

[MotherOfMinions]

This type of abuse is very common and it should be taken in account when contact arrangements are made in courts. It is far more damaging to DC to be caught in the middle of this type of toxic arrangement than to have no contact with the abusive parent. The media like to portray the mother as always being the parent using PA when it seems to me that fathers are more likely to be using it as a way of punishing the mother for leaving them.