Can I be happy and depressed at the same time?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

My DS is 4 months old now, and I love him to bits. He is such a lovely, happy baby.
But although I feel so happy with him and about him, I feel really low about everything else.
My DH keeps shouting at me because the house isn't as clean as he would like it. The truth is, he is more obsessive about it than me but I do try.
I just do not know where the time goes? I wake up and try to plan my day, but it all goes out the window... you just never know when DS will have a good / bad day, and looking after him is time consuming, I am sure you all know what I mean.
I have put on a lot of weight since being pregnant, and cant seem to motivate myself to lose it. DH also throws this in my face when we fight, and it just makes me feel worse! I feel like I am in a downward spiral. DH is a bit of a Jekyll and Kyde character... when he is happy he is the kindest, funniest, most generous person I know, but when he is stressed or unhappy he can be so mean. I feel like a bit of an idiot for thinking things would change after DS was born.
I feel like I need to motivate myself to become superwoman! Need to excercise, diet, clean, and raise a baby, and work. I have started part time work too, in amongst all this.
I can't speak to any friends in RL as I feel too embarrased to.
I guess it is too much to expect to have a happy, balanced life! I amused to earning my own money (was self-employed) but now that I have none it freaks me out... I am constantly worried about it, but always put on a brave face. DH seems to think that I dont care about it, but I just dont know what my dwelling on it and talking about it will do to help the situation? I thought doing the freelance work would help, but it has put so much pressure on me, I feel like it is unfair on DS - I cant expect him to sit and play quietly while I work! Babies are just NOT like that!
Anyway...last night DH came home in a fowl mood and proceeded to bollock me for the state of the house (that day I had done washing, the dishes, cleaned the kitchen etc as well as started work on a new freelance job, so I felt he was being a bit unfair).. well he shouted a bit, said he didn't want to see his DS because he was angry, and then left and didn't come back till the morning (went and stayed in his office which is around the corner I think) and proceeded to ignore us. I dont care about him ignoring me, but ignoring the baby is pretty shameful I think.
Well he is now telling me he is going to sleep elsewhere from now on but I cant live like this!
Aaargh!

[HappyAndUnhappy]

I suggested he go and house sit for his brother who is away travelling as he said he did not want to be around me, and he said I should just leave. I have always spoken of living there oneday.

Yes, hard to think straight espcially as DS had a really bad night last night.

He has just told me that the only thing I am good at is organising a pub lunch. It was meant to be an insult but I think it is high praise indeed!!

sigh

[oxocube]

HAU, from what you say about your relationship, I think you and your child need to get away, even if its just a temporary move. This guy is sapping your self-confidence. Could you leave for a while and see if its something you want to make permanent. TBH, there are lots of men who have issues with their wives/partners but fewer who would happily ask their partner to take their child away to another country and possibly lose all contact.

Maybe one last big talk would be justified and then if no change, prepare yourself for a different life, but one where you could become a stronger, happier and more satisfied person.

[Pennies]

Easier said than done I know but I think you need to consider leaving this horrible man - he's totally unsupportive and he's bullying you as well. You clearly love your DS very much and you're abolsutely right when you wonder if babie pick up n the mood around them - they completly do and that is the case from before they are born.

I obviously don't know you but I don't think you sound depressed. HOwever if he keeps on telling how crap you are you will start to believe his bullshit and lose your self confidence and that can spiral into depression. For that reason alone I feel it is worth you distancing yourself from him.

Do you have supportive family that can help?

You sound like a lovely mum who's doing a great job - don't listen to his crap.

[WildatHeartneeNappiesGalore]

have to say - im with custardo on this one. and most others on here seem to agree.

you do sound remarkable to be doing so well under such pressure. and he sounds like a dick.

agree with suggestions that you get yourself some space to work out next move. but if hes already asked you to leave the country, id say the realtionship seems to be pretty much over anyway. dont spend a moment wasting time thinking about him, concentrate on working out what is best for you and ds and how to get from here to there, wherever and whatever that may be.

and stay on mn, because you sound great and we could always do with someone of your intelligence, wit, humour, patience and experience

[HappyAndUnhappy]

Well he just come home, walked straight passed me and DS (who was feeding) got some stuff and went out to the office. So I took DS there (only a couple of mins walk) and said to him that I think it wrong to ignore his son. His reply? "He doesn't fucking know who I am"... so I left him there and went to the shop to get a much needed drink for later, and went back to pick up DS, and he just handed him back to me like a sack of potatoes. I am so upset now!
He has been a good dad up until now, really engaging in DS... I can't bare to see him distance his own son like that
He said I was using DS to get to him when I said I would leave the UK... but I never said that - he did!!! Then he told me I am not good enough for him! I know what he wants and I don't give it to him!
Who is giving ,me what I need?
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.
He either really does think he is better than me or he is just trying to hurt me (more)

[hester]

Oh, HAU, what a terrible time you're having . The time after having a baby is really tough for many couples, and when you're both tired out it can be hard to be generous to each other, but I have to say I think your dh has gone way beyond normal limits. Only you can judge whether there is enough in this relationship to make it worth fighting for. Do you think he would go to counselling with you? (Hard to organise with a small baby, I know.)

Oh, and I think it a minor miracle if I get any housework at all done in the day when I'm home with dd - and she's 13 months now. You are coping just brilliantly.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

well he slept out last night too, and has come home, showered and left without acknowledging either of us again!!! Pretty childish, don't you think?
It is funny cos some women try to not let their partners near the kids but I have been doing the opposite. I made DS's bedtime 8 instead of 7, so that they could have an hour together when DH gets home. I used to call him at about 6 / 6:15 to see if he had left work, but now apparently he thinks I was nagging him and trying to get him home so he could take over looking after the baby so I could relax. Not the case at all! Even if it were, I don't think that would be bad.

I have had to get up early to get some work done cos yesterday was a write off, but at least I will have my own money coming in soon.

I just can't believe that aomeone who supposedly loves you can treat you like such shit.

I did a lot of thinking last night. This has happened before, since the baby was born, not quite as bad but similar. It is a pattern: he gets stressed out (working full time and running his own business), and the house isn't immaculate (I think he has a touch of OC), and he errupts, and takes it all out on me. As someone said, perople rarely change.

I know I can never be the type of person who spends hours every day cleaning (yawn) which is why we agreed on getting a cleaner (I was supposed to be interviewing one on Monday but not sure I will now, I cant afford it).

So I guess what I am trying to say is we were taking steps to remove a "trigger" to his anger, but it was not enough.

I spose it might be better for me to leave now, whilst LO is too young to really see how he talks to me... I would hate him to learn bad habits from his father and think it is normal to treat women that way.

anyway,sorry for the long post, am trying to sort things in my mind. Best I crack on with this work.l

[littlemisspiggy]

Oblige the tosser and leave (at his expense).

[schneebly]

He doesnt deserve you or your DS - you can have a better life without all that crap - he does nothing for you anyway. I would usually say that you could try and work things out but I think he is a hopeless case. You are so much better than him.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

I am inclined to agree with you.
In his defence tho, he has been very supportive up until now, and a good friend. But that all seems to be undone now.

[Avalon]

He does sound like he's stressed - is his business ok?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

struggling....
hw works so incredibly hard at it that he deserves to have it succeed but is is moving very slowly

[Avalon]

Do you think he wants you to leave the country so he can sell the house to prop up his business?

Sorry to be blunt.

[MrsDoolittle]

I think this man has you on the back foot because it seems like you are allowing him to push the responsibility for your problems onto you.
Life with a small baby is hard for both of you and all too often men just don't appreciate the effect having a baby has on a woman, physically and psychologically.
I really think he needs a wake up call. You must stop pussy footing around him. If not for yourself atleast for your son. This is so incredibly important. Dh needs to realsie how important you are to him and he needs to know that he can't get away with treating both of you so badly.
Pack you bags and your baby's. Go Go Go.
Give all of you a break from each other and maybe this man will be forced to look past himself.

Is there anyone you could go to? You need to go NOW

[HappyAndUnhappy]

nooooooo.... he wouldnt do that.

I think he wants to push me and see if I go - he doesn't think I would.

Have to say tho, on a happier note: DS is being incredibly cute today! Lots of new little noises it makes it all ok

[MrsDoolittle]

He wouldn't do what??

As you say he knows you won't go. That's why he is pushing you, he knows he can get away with it.
You honestly need to show him this is important, you have to be seen walking out the door withg your bags.

If he is a good man, he will look into himself and he won't let you go.

I've been here

[HappyAndUnhappy]

I agree with you Mrs D but nowhere to go....
my friends dont have the space, and the only 1 that does has a cat (allergic).

Maybe I should jump on a plane home? Could do my work from there too.

[MrsDoolittle]

Where is home?
Do you need a passport for ds?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

oh, was answering the other post about sellling the flat...

how did it work out for you?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

shit, do need a passport... have the application forms here.

Maybe will get them in today - have had the photos taken.
DH at work

[MrsDoolittle]

Strangely ds was a similar age, about 3 months, I think. I also have dd who was turning 2 at the time.
I had both of them at home, ds fed and fed and fed, all the time. DD was jealous and I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't get on top of things in the house, I was driving myslef insane trying to stay on top of everything.
Dh is a good man but I couldn't stand him, I couldn't talk to him. I was furious that he could just carry on going to work and coming home exactly the same as it was before. I told him I couldn't deal with it, but he didn't know what to do so he buried his head in the sand and hoped things would get better.
I was all set to leave. He was absolutely horrified - he couldn't do enough for me after that. We had lots of serious discussions and dh had to take me seriously.

We fine again now but it was a deeply upsetting time for all of us.

[MammyM]

You sound like you're doing a brilliant job, please don't let him wear you down. You don't sound depressed to me (not an expert) you sound strong and determined. Your dh sounds depressed. Has he got support from anyone else? (as he's pushing you away) Good luck.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

yeah,
DH doesnt seem to stop and think how this is for me. He thinks I am having a lovely time at home. He doesnt realise how sleep deprived I am, how exhausting it is, and how lonely I feel - no adult conversation except with 1 friend and her baby I meet for the odd cup of coffee....

[MrsDoolittle]

I know that feeling very well.

He just needs a wake up call that's all.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

thanks, MammyM.... I think you might be right... and he doesn't have any other support. He has friends but they are not extremely close, so I dont think he confides in them.

Thanks for the support, ladies, I really appreciate it.