Can I be happy and depressed at the same time?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

My DS is 4 months old now, and I love him to bits. He is such a lovely, happy baby.
But although I feel so happy with him and about him, I feel really low about everything else.
My DH keeps shouting at me because the house isn't as clean as he would like it. The truth is, he is more obsessive about it than me but I do try.
I just do not know where the time goes? I wake up and try to plan my day, but it all goes out the window... you just never know when DS will have a good / bad day, and looking after him is time consuming, I am sure you all know what I mean.
I have put on a lot of weight since being pregnant, and cant seem to motivate myself to lose it. DH also throws this in my face when we fight, and it just makes me feel worse! I feel like I am in a downward spiral. DH is a bit of a Jekyll and Kyde character... when he is happy he is the kindest, funniest, most generous person I know, but when he is stressed or unhappy he can be so mean. I feel like a bit of an idiot for thinking things would change after DS was born.
I feel like I need to motivate myself to become superwoman! Need to excercise, diet, clean, and raise a baby, and work. I have started part time work too, in amongst all this.
I can't speak to any friends in RL as I feel too embarrased to.
I guess it is too much to expect to have a happy, balanced life! I amused to earning my own money (was self-employed) but now that I have none it freaks me out... I am constantly worried about it, but always put on a brave face. DH seems to think that I dont care about it, but I just dont know what my dwelling on it and talking about it will do to help the situation? I thought doing the freelance work would help, but it has put so much pressure on me, I feel like it is unfair on DS - I cant expect him to sit and play quietly while I work! Babies are just NOT like that!
Anyway...last night DH came home in a fowl mood and proceeded to bollock me for the state of the house (that day I had done washing, the dishes, cleaned the kitchen etc as well as started work on a new freelance job, so I felt he was being a bit unfair).. well he shouted a bit, said he didn't want to see his DS because he was angry, and then left and didn't come back till the morning (went and stayed in his office which is around the corner I think) and proceeded to ignore us. I dont care about him ignoring me, but ignoring the baby is pretty shameful I think.
Well he is now telling me he is going to sleep elsewhere from now on but I cant live like this!
Aaargh!

[HappyAndUnhappy]

Thank you, RL and Us...
sigh still no sign of him, he is so stubborn he wont come home!
I just keep trying to understand WHY he is staying away:
1- Knows he is in a bad place, and doesn't was ~DS to be around him like that
2 - Just realky does not want to see us
3 - Has left me and thinks he caHe han't come and visit DS

I dunno? I would gladly drop DS off to see him and pick him up later, I can distinguish between my relationship with himand him being a father IYSWIM

He has never taken it this far before
oh dear DS waking up AGAIN - only 4th time tonight already he must sense my anxiety

will check in in the morning

thanks again

[usandourlittlexmascracker]

HAU {{{hugs}}}

Didn't realise it was you until our posts earlier

I think you are coping amazingly well, your LO is very lucky to have a mummy like you.
It sounds to me that your DH is depressed, I don't think this excuses his behaviour at all but it may mean there is an answer to it all.
I think he needs to talk to someone about how he is feeling.
I also think you have enough to do at the moment looking after yourself and your LO and you can only make suggestions to make life better for you all but if he won't help himself there is nothing more you can do.
Maybe some time apart will do you all good? It's difficult to think straight when you are in the middle of a situation (never mind being severely sleep deprived).

Z awake will pop back later x

[Rocklover]

Not coming home is not acceptable, I would suggest that if you cannot make him sit down and talk, you may need to implement a "crisis" situation (which I did). This may involve separating for a period of time so each of you can reflect on things and it is much, much easier to think about stuff without being on tenter hooks all the time. Also it should make him wake up a bit when presented with the real possibility of losing his family.

Secondly if he has emotional baggage from his childhood he needs to deal with, probably in the form of counselling (my OH has major issues too...physical abuse by alcoholic father), believe me, if he cannot try to get some help, then you may be fighting a losing battle.

I only say these things because it is what I went through, your partner may need something totally different, but it does sound as if you are trying your hardest. Three things I would suggest:

1. DON'T waste time feeling guilty, you are trying your best!
   
2. Try to take some time out if poss, you need to de-stress and look after yourself.
   
3. Talk to someone, be it a friend, family member or counsellor, otherwise it will all boil away inside and the resentment will increase and be too much to handle (know this from bitter experience).
   
   I really, really do know where you are coming from, I am always here if you need a friendly ear.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

Thanks for the advice, Lupo and Rocklover.
You both speak sense.

I know what you mean, Rocklover, I feel like the fight has left me too. I try to talk to him but he refuses to listen and shouts at me. Maybe I should try and talk to him when things are good instead of bad, but I just so enjoy the peaceful times that I dont want to rock the boat

He didn't come home again last night, and I am so furious with him for ignoring his DS I could spit, i dont want to see him as I am so angry I dont trust myself to not go mental. He has major issues with abandonment form his childhood, so why is he doing it to us now??

Getting upset now, gonna log off and go for a walk.

thanks again

[Rocklover]

I can only sympathise with you, I say nip this in the bud right now or it will carry on. Is your husband depressed? It could be why he has such a short fuse.

Have to say had a similar sort of scenario with my husband after DD was born and I thought I could we could get through it...we didn't and I am now separated. I don't say this to frighten you, more as a warning, don't get me wrong I had my faults, but husband verbally abused me alot and refused to communicate so I gave up because the fight just left me. You need to sit him down and MAKE him listen to you and talk about how he feels also, this is soooo important I cannot stress it enough, failure to communicate ended my marriage.

Big hugs and good luck.

[lupo]

whoops, meant to say the please come home/nice approach DOES NOT work with a jekyll and hyde characted

[lupo]

Hi

Just want to say really feel for you, my dh has behaved like this before and is pretty horrible when he is stressed, and always me who tries to resolve thing. once every six months we have a big row and he uses me as a verbal punchbag to tell me all the things he hates about me, i am not allowed a word in edgeways.Last time he tried it had reached end of my tether and told him if he wanted to go he should as well as a few home truths about himself.

Since then he has been better as I am no longer prepared to be treated like this.. still reeling over stuff he said 10 moths ago, but refuse to be spoken to like rubbish now.

What I am trying to say is stand up to him, dont let him treat you like this, if he walks away then it isnt meant to be (The please come home lets talk about it approach really works with a jekyll and hyde character who uses words to hurt you and thinks nothing of it.

keep us posted on how you get on

[HappyAndUnhappy]

Sorry, that was me, just different alias oops.
I am just tired of thinking about all this now.
Operating on very little sleep here!

[SleepIsForTheWeak]

urban, you mean take a break or permanently?

DS passport will take 2 weeks min... will send it tomorrow

I have a friend coming round for dinner tonight, DH will be out, so I will probably talk to her about it.

will check out the other thread

[theUrbanDryad]

wow - this thread has picked up lots since i posted on here yesterday! good!

how's things today HAU? have you got your passport sorted yet? are you going to be travelling in the EU or will you need a visa? sorry, not entirely sure how these things work...

FWIW after reading your posts from last night and this morning, i, too think you should get out while the going's good. {{hugs}}

[Pages]

Haven't read the whole thread but when DS2 was about the same age as your DS me and DH went through the most horrendous patch. Not all the issues were the same as yours but some were and he behaved imo like a complete pig. It was the closest I ever came to leaving him. It lasted up until DS2 was about 6 months old, I went back to work, DS began to sleep through/need less bouncing/rocking/attention! and things just improved from there.

You are not alone. Someone else has a very similar thread going atm, it is near the top I think. I think around 4 m is the point where you become overwhelmingly exhasted with the sleepless nights and unpredictable routine/lack of structure to your day. It is definitely a period of highs and lows hormonally, emotionally, practically - have a chat with your h/v and try to remember this period will pass and things will settle down.

[MrsDoolittle]

DH didn't have any support either - he's a Kiwi. You support each other.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

thanks, MammyM.... I think you might be right... and he doesn't have any other support. He has friends but they are not extremely close, so I dont think he confides in them.

Thanks for the support, ladies, I really appreciate it.

[MrsDoolittle]

I know that feeling very well.

He just needs a wake up call that's all.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

yeah,
DH doesnt seem to stop and think how this is for me. He thinks I am having a lovely time at home. He doesnt realise how sleep deprived I am, how exhausting it is, and how lonely I feel - no adult conversation except with 1 friend and her baby I meet for the odd cup of coffee....

[MammyM]

You sound like you're doing a brilliant job, please don't let him wear you down. You don't sound depressed to me (not an expert) you sound strong and determined. Your dh sounds depressed. Has he got support from anyone else? (as he's pushing you away) Good luck.

[MrsDoolittle]

Strangely ds was a similar age, about 3 months, I think. I also have dd who was turning 2 at the time.
I had both of them at home, ds fed and fed and fed, all the time. DD was jealous and I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't get on top of things in the house, I was driving myslef insane trying to stay on top of everything.
Dh is a good man but I couldn't stand him, I couldn't talk to him. I was furious that he could just carry on going to work and coming home exactly the same as it was before. I told him I couldn't deal with it, but he didn't know what to do so he buried his head in the sand and hoped things would get better.
I was all set to leave. He was absolutely horrified - he couldn't do enough for me after that. We had lots of serious discussions and dh had to take me seriously.

We fine again now but it was a deeply upsetting time for all of us.

[HappyAndUnhappy]

shit, do need a passport... have the application forms here.

Maybe will get them in today - have had the photos taken.
DH at work

[HappyAndUnhappy]

oh, was answering the other post about sellling the flat...

how did it work out for you?

[MrsDoolittle]

Where is home?
Do you need a passport for ds?

[HappyAndUnhappy]

I agree with you Mrs D but nowhere to go....
my friends dont have the space, and the only 1 that does has a cat (allergic).

Maybe I should jump on a plane home? Could do my work from there too.

[MrsDoolittle]

He wouldn't do what??

As you say he knows you won't go. That's why he is pushing you, he knows he can get away with it.
You honestly need to show him this is important, you have to be seen walking out the door withg your bags.

If he is a good man, he will look into himself and he won't let you go.

I've been here

[HappyAndUnhappy]

nooooooo.... he wouldnt do that.

I think he wants to push me and see if I go - he doesn't think I would.

Have to say tho, on a happier note: DS is being incredibly cute today! Lots of new little noises it makes it all ok

[MrsDoolittle]

I think this man has you on the back foot because it seems like you are allowing him to push the responsibility for your problems onto you.
Life with a small baby is hard for both of you and all too often men just don't appreciate the effect having a baby has on a woman, physically and psychologically.
I really think he needs a wake up call. You must stop pussy footing around him. If not for yourself atleast for your son. This is so incredibly important. Dh needs to realsie how important you are to him and he needs to know that he can't get away with treating both of you so badly.
Pack you bags and your baby's. Go Go Go.
Give all of you a break from each other and maybe this man will be forced to look past himself.

Is there anyone you could go to? You need to go NOW

[Avalon]

Do you think he wants you to leave the country so he can sell the house to prop up his business?

Sorry to be blunt.