Raped 8 years ago - Police video statement tomorrow. HELP, please

[SergeantJarhead]

Hello :) I had a boyfriend when I was 18 who raped me on 3 occasions, he was emotionally and physically abusive and I didn't have the courage to tell anyone. I have suffered horrendous mental health issues every day since. A man approached me two nights ago, no sexual interest or anything but he was stood toe to toe with me which triggered something in me. I went home and phoned the police, I'm being video interviewed tomorrow and if anybody could tell me what to roughly expect I would appreciate it. I have been spending the last 24 hours writing down every tiny detail that I can remember, even clothes that were worn etc.
Any advice, please. I don't want my family to know something is amiss. Thanks.

[BlackeyedSusan]

the truth is the truth , no matter what. some abusers are good at smarming their way out and getting people to believe their lies. they are still lies though and they are still abusers.

you are not dirty or disgusting or shameful. these are not your emotions to own, they are his. you are clean, you are valuable and you are to be honoured for your strength to stand up for the truth.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Even if nothing comes of this matter, he's now on the police radar. If it happens again, he is less likely to be believed, and the next prosecution may well succeed in getting him off the streets. And if he's now watching his step, lest he get caught again, that's still a win.

It is a rotten rotten feeling if your friend won't support you. But take comfort that you've still Done Good.

[Hadron21]

How are you feeling today? X

[SergeantJarhead]

My friend turned up and the police have told her she has no choice but to make a short statement because she was a witness to my attempted overdose and is legally obligated? (I didnt think that was true but my case worker said she has to) so she stormed out of my house and slammed the door, crying because she has to give a statement on Monday and she wanted to go shopping.
My other friends are being a wall of support. My parents (whom I usually care for) have shocked me and really been a wonderful, caring and calming influence. It is especially weird for my mother as she has been an abusive alcoholic all her life but she has genuinely been helping and not once tried to make this event about her.
I am, as always, deeply grateful for the kindness of everyone on this thread. The posts that tell me that I am not to blame, that I am not dirty or shameful have been intensely soothing for me as I have blamed myself for 8 years. Now that the shock of 'His' arrest is over I feel calmer again and I am ready to embrace (again) whatever this investigation throws at me. My parents may be asked to give testimonies about my change in behaviour at the time of the incident so I am worried about that but luckily they wont be told anything about the rapes; I couldn't possibly live with that. I love my dad far too much for him to hear anything so appalling.

Thank you, all of you. Genuinely. I felt trapped, desperate and alone. {flowers} for you all. x

[Hadron21]

Good for you. His life is about to turn to shit and you can now make plans in how you deal with this and move forward.
As for your friend, well, I don't know what to say. It must feel like a double betrayal. Is there any chance there's something you don't know (like she had a relationship with him). Whatever she chooses to do keep your anger focused on him as he has put you both in this situation.
I'm so glad to hear you have good people around you now. You're doing great xx

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

"She wanted to go shopping"?!?

Words fail me.

[SergeantJarhead]

Yep, she wanted to go shopping, or wanted to go out Preemptive She cried because her best friends life changing rape interfered with her ability to be fucking spontaneously thrifty.
Hadron I didn't even consider that she had maybe had a relationship with him but she knew him ... there is a very good chance that she may have :/
BUT if she had an affair with him ... surely he would have been monstrous with her too? (NOT that I would ever in a millennia want anyone to be assaulted). He has had other girlfriends and I haven't heard that they have suffered in any way ... so what the fuck made me so bloody special?

I'm ranting now, bloody confused. Ignore me, very sorry!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Maybe, maybe not. And even if he wasn't beastly with her, it still doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Could simply be luck of the draw. Ditto any of his other xGFs.

Bear in mind, not all women have the insight, clarity or (flame me if you like) courage to call rape by its name. We're constantly seeing women coming onto these boards tremulously wondering what just happened and being put in the know. Or worse, some coming on and getting all "doesn't bother me " judgey-pants. Perhaps your alleged friend is of that ilk.

I stand by my "ya Done Good" remark.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

PS: another maxim we see on these boards, in the more general context of abusive relationships, is that of course there is no such thing as a typical victim. Some abusers pick on "weak" women. Some choose strong women, specifically to take them down a few pegs. This may or may not help you one bit. Sorry, rambling...

[SergeantJarhead]

The weak women comment does help. I'm not ashamed to say I was vulnerable. I was mature in many ways at 18 but not in a sexual way, not in a deep relationship way. There wasn't any sexual education in school and my mum was far too uptight to ever have 'the talk'. It helps to think that his partners after me were strong women who didn't tolerate his bullshit.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Glad it helped, but not if on any level you blame yourself. You mention he has ex-GFs, not sure how long any stuck around. Maybe at the first red flag (that they may have spotted but you had no training to see) they ditched him.

Bottom line, he chose to do this to you. If you were naive (whilst others might not have been) he took advantage of it. He's a scumbag. End of.

[Mandatorymongoose]

My DD's best friend refused to give a statement because she was doing her GCSEs and didn't want to go to court.

I was pretty fucking angry about it.

Funnily enough DD has been much more forgiving, although their friendship will never be the same.

But then other people who you might have expected to be more reluctant to give statements have willingly done so and she's had support from all sorts of unexpected quarters.

I'm sorry your friend has been shit Sergeant

[SergeantJarhead]

preemptive it has helped and I am trying very hard not to blame myself. I am not having the greatest amount of contact from the detectives, I chase them up every day, they work 4 days on and 6 days off which leaves me extremely edgy. I've started taken a friend or family member with me everywhere.
Mandatory GCSE or not, that is a fucked up reason not to give a statement to help your daughter. I have forgiven my 'friend' but I will not forget and we are over, as it were.

Thanks for the support guys. A friend from college 8 years ago has written a statement for the police and the LAST time we spoke, we argued. She STILL went ahead and helped me. Not everyone is bad :)

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Exactly! For that ex-friend, doing what's right took precedence. Makes the antics of Shopzilla all the more reprehensible by contrast.

How are you today? Any good sweaty gym sessions lately?

[SergeantJarhead]

Morning preemptive going to the gym, crutches and all left me feeling amazing. The physio had to reign me in a little as I was taking out a little bit fuckingall of my aggression on the poor machines

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Hey, those machines knew what they signed up for...

[SergeantJarhead]

My investigating officer is back on shift tomorrow and she wants to discuss my husbands witness statement (not done yet) a renewal of mine as I wasn't able to get the exact date right in the video interview and also my parents (though I shall be fighting this as they aren't well) so please wish me not luck for tomorrow but the serenity and courage to do what needs to be done and not to fear the police and their incessant questions ... the minute details they need all the time are triggering some unpleasant mood shifts.

[smellsofsick]

One thing that jumped out at me was you said you were worried about being identified in the local paper, OP.

You absolutely won't. As a victim of a sexual crime you have total anonymity in the press, except in very rare circumstances.

[SergeantJarhead]

smellofsick Thank you so much for posting, I honestly didnt know. I dont even know if he will be able to name me in papers/tatty magazines IF it goes to court and IF the jury find him innocent? The officer in charge is trying to get loads of information off me, and wants me to track down witnesses but she wont answer questions and hasn't recommended support or anything. I saw my gp because I self harmed, I didnt eat, I couldnt sleep right after reporting it and my GP laughed and told me to watch my diabetes. Argh.

[smellsofsick]

From what I understand, and I haven't studied this for quite a long time, the anonymity covers you for life.

I'm going to double check this and come back to you.

[smellsofsick]

This will help BBC editorial policies

[SergeantJarhead]

Thank you smellsofsick I will read that with a tot of whiskey and settle my nerves I think.
Innocent That has taken a hefty load off my shoulders. I know he probably has the right to tell anyone he is friends with/family members my name but at least I'm protected from being massively publically bashed. (He is a gifted liar). If the case goes to court and he's found not guilty, now that you've pointed out the fact that no one ever gets found not innocent, that will help me more in the long run. I don't feel like I am looking for the bastard to get the death sentence, I just want to feel clean again. I haven't looked for my local rape crisis yet but I most certainly will so I can be (hopefully) calmer around my DH, Dad and son :) Truly truly truly thank you both.