How to deal with a friend who's very defensive

[samesame31]

I have a close friend who's great fun a lot of the time but she's very defensive and never says sorry. I think her behaviour is probably due to low self-esteem, but I also have low self esteem and am the complete opposite: a people pleaser. This means that I modify my behaviour to stop her getting defensive, and aplogise when ever I might have done something to annoy her, but I never get a sorry back.

I sometimes think I should stand my ground more so that she knows that she is pushing my boundaries, but also know that if I do that she will see it as criticism and it will probably make her even more defensive.Any ideas how to proceed so that I don't regularly feel like I am being mentally pushed around?

[goddessofsmallthings]

She knows how to push your buttons and you let her.

However, if you were to be more assertive I suspect she'd turn on you and there'd be a godalmighty row, with the most probable outcome being she'd drop you like a hot potato and, unless you were willing to engage in serious grovelling to her highness, that would be the end of your friendship.

On the other hand, a huge dust up might serve to enable you to look at each other with new eyes and re-establish your friendship on a more equal footing.

[Joysmum]

Personally I'd just throw the ball back and leave it with her.

So, 'let me know when you've got the time and I'll meet you halfway, plus we've still got to rearrange that lunch now I'm feeling better'.

Mind you, I'm crap as im a people pleaser too and it's one of the things being addressed in my counselling sessions so I'm not the best to be handing out advice on this!

[goddessofsmallthings]

Are you a diplomat, Joysmum? If not, you should be

[SelfLoathing]

I agree that if your buildings are a couple of minutes apart suggesting to meet half way is really unreasonable. THAT sounds like defensive behaviour, trying to make a power play and get the upper hand if anything does.

& how can you find a building intimidating aged 30?!? Does she work in Boo Radley's house?

[Isetan]

Can I ask why you wanted to meet half way, when the distance between you isn't far? Were you making a point by testing her? Was this thing that she had for you a request, then expecting her to meet halfway does come across as petty.

There appears to be no foundation of trust between you (questioning her truthfulness regarding how busy she is) and that should be the bedrock of a good relationship. Given your personalities, maybe your friendship can only work efectively on a superficial level.

[samesame31]

I asked to meet half way because i find going into her building intimidating. It's full of people who are more important than me, and I worry that I might get stuck in some difficult conversation. Also, it was a sunny day and we both had breaks at the same time. More pleasant to spend 5 minutes having a chat outside than indoors. We often meet outside for a quick chat/handover so it didn't feel to me like an unusual request. There were also 3 x 30 minute points in the day when we could have met. I wasn't demanding that she come outside and meet me at exactly 10.25.

IIsetan: i agree that the trust is gone. i'd like to think I asked why she was so busy that she didn't have 5 minutes because i was concerned about her workload and would have offered to help in some way. However, underlying this was the sneaky feeling that she was being difficult because i hadn't gone to lunch and I was trying to work out whether she was annoyed with me or not.

[goddessofsmallthings]

O honey, life really is too short and you're too nice for this crap your own good.

Step back from this 'close friendship' and wait to see if she makes overtures to you.

[samesame31]

Also, we did actually meet in the car park for the handover that day and spent 20 minutes sitting in the sun having a chat, after i'd offered her the opportunity to leave immediately because she was so busy!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Good Lord, a friendship that is this much hard work is not a friendship at all. I would just let it slide to be honest. Whilst maintaining friendships is important and obviously both parties have to put some effort in, this sounds like one of those "life is too short for this crap" situations.

[AyMamita]

You both sound very passive-aggressive. Instead of "couldn't we meet halfway", why not email "it's a gorgeous day, let's meet outside at breaktime and get some sun!".

[Isetan]

You gave three answers to the simple question of why did you ask to meet half way, which answer was closest to the truth? Did you provide her with the same choice of explanations? You behaviour is probably just as exhausting to her, as hers is to you.

Continue with the counselling and enjoy your friendship for what it is but it does appear that your current personalities aren't conducive to a deeper friendship.

[Mrsjayy]

I read i want to work with her behaviour and thought bugger that it is to much faff it sounds exhausting you need to be assertive friends are not rude imo

[samesame31]

Isetan: From memory I think I said something like, I don't really like your building, couldn't we meet half way?

[Inexperiencedchick]

Had a friend like that, not anymore...

It's really is exhausting. You can't put up with everything all the time and apologise along the way.

The friendship was for 6 years... I do miss her but I'm tried with her behaviour...

Sad truth!

Good luck

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

Blimey this does all rather seem a lot of hard work over some very small issues tbh. Does she know how you feel about the people in your building and that you feel intimidated because to be honest that message would have made me roll my eyes a bit.

Sound like you both find each other a bit tedious at the moment maybe it's just not a compatible friendship? It does sound a bit six of one half a dozen of the other to me

[silveracorn]

You both sound like you are quite high maintenance. Every small act is analysed and filtered through the lens of 'low self esteem.' Exhausting and not much fun for either of you.

I'd try 'acting as if'. Act as if you are emotionally grounded and mature. Make light work of stuff. Learn to walk into another building without fear by doing it. Practise feeling light hearted and indifferent if you feel tested by her. Spend time with other, lower maintenance people and check how you feel after an evening in their company.

I'm not saying you don't have genuine problems, but there's a big difference between active growth every day to minimise them, and focusing on them so much that they define you.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

This all sounds really childish. I don't understand why you couldn't pick up something from hers, I don't get why any building would be 'too intimidating', presumably all levels of people work in it (secs, security guards) and it sounds like it then took you ages in your worktime to arrange this simple thing.

I agree with everyone, it sounds like it just isn't working, once you get to the stage of having to have 'chats' and calling her on her rudeness and expecting her to say sorry, it's just got too involved and emotional to be a good friendship.

Perhaps back off a bit or arrange a once a month lunch and leave it at that.

[Meerka]

she said I should be glad that she's rude to me because it shows we are friends

Nope.

Friendships - at least friendships worth anything - don't work like that.

All that seems to happen is she gets even more defensive and then ends up twisting things round so that it's my fault. She's rude because i'm irritating, too picky, etc etc.

why put up with this? Good times are great, but the price is becoming a bit high when you have to walk on eggshells.

Her underlying character sounds pretty unpleasant, no matter how fun she is superficially.

Life's too short for people like this.

[SelfLoathing]

Does she know how you feel about the people in your building and that you feel intimidated because to be honest that message would have made me roll my eyes a bit.

Agree totally. What are you 5 years old? If you are engaged in the work force, welcome to the real world. If you seriously are "intimidated" by the threat of a passing 2 minute conversation with someone more senior in another building, that is a waaaaaaaay bigger problem than this passive aggressive stuff with your friend.

All of this, every aspect, IMO = grow up.

[yoursfan]

You sound incredibly immature, OP. I can't believe you're in your 30s! This friendship would have me rolling my eyes too - but from your friend's perspective. You expect her to make an effort to compliment you? You won't make the effort to go and see her because you're scared of her building? Come on. Ridiculous.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

OP, we speak the truth.

Adults do not behave like this. We just don't. We did at primary school and early teens. But not in our thirties.

Do you have children?

[MissBattleaxe]

I'm exhausted just reading this.

You're over analyzing all her actions and second guessing her. You questioned her on why she didn't have the free time to do as you asked? If my friend questioned me like that I'd feel accused. You sound like a possessive boyfriend.

I think you don't trust her, you don't like her and you are very critical of her. Just don't be friends with her or take it to a superficial small talk level again. Your personalities are clearly incompatible. Leave each other be and stop being scared of "intimidating" buildings.

[lougle]

You're feeding each other's insecurities.

[MissBattleaxe]

What yoursfan said.

[kissmethere]

Op sorry it sounds very draining, like you have to appease her to keep things on a good level. I'm sure you want to hold onto the good times but friends like this are not very easy going and hard work.
It sounds like she expects more than you can deliver and if you don't then she gets defensive. That's not a very good balance.