Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this abuse?

35 replies

magazinewhore · 25/05/2015 22:37

I actually know the answer to this one, at least according to Lundy Bancroft.

DH and I had gotten halfway through the day and hadn't really said two words to each other (this is typical). Finally, out of exasperation, I asked if he thought it was weird that we go most of the day without talking.

He exploded. "WTF?" He asked when he was supposed to have talked because he had been taking a nap and I came home and banged stuff around and woke him up. He said I hadn't said anything either, which I said was because he seemed like he was in a bad mood (again, not uncommon). He was walking around not talking, not making eye contact (which is kind of how he lives his life), to me, sulking. He said that was BS. He grabbed his bag and began to huff out, to which I said, "well, is huffing out of here angry the best way to handle this?" He said if I was really this unhappy I should leave.

I am seriously considering it. Except it's a holiday and I have nowhere to go with my cat.

He is the king of Passive Aggression, or indicating his disapproval without saying anything (eye rolls, withholding, isolating). He sits in his chair for hours and plays video games on his phone in front of the TV, not talking to me. I think I may have actually done it this time, and I don't really care.

Any kind words would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Report

CalleighDoodle · 25/05/2015 22:39

You should do it. Firstly because his behavioir is
Abusive. Secondly because wven wothout that, what do you get from it? There are lots of places you can go with a cat.
This could be the first day of your new adventure.

CalleighDoodle · 25/05/2015 22:40

Dont waste your energy on someone who does not respect you. Youare worth far more than that.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2015 22:42

Do you have children together? If not, I would pack a bag and go. That sounds like a completely joyless existence (living with him) and you can have a lovely life without him.

magazinewhore · 26/05/2015 00:00

No kids, but I do have an 18 year old cat and I don't want to move unless its permanent for a while because it stresses him out.

DH just got home after being at work for a few hours. He's still not talking to me. I hate this PA stuff. I think it's ridiculous to pretend someone else is not there.

OP posts:

Nancyjuice7 · 26/05/2015 01:19

You dont have to "do something" for it to be abusive, him not talking to you he knows is upsetting you and he knows is being passive aggressive, just as bad as saying nasty things. Dont be with someone who belittles you in that way, easy thing for an outsider to say i know. Also, few tins of tuna and the cat will forgive you for the hassle im sure

magazinewhore · 26/05/2015 01:40

You're right, ImperialBlether. It is a joyless existence.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 26/05/2015 03:27

Does it really matter whether it is abuse or a completely awful relationship. Either way, you deserve better. Way better.

With the greatest of respect to your feelings for your cat (and I have a dog who I would feel the same about), your feelings and needs are more important than an 18 year old cat needing to feel secure. Your cat will be ok once you are there with him.

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2015 10:34

I think making the decision to part is the biggest step to make. Once you've made it, you'll find you can ignore him and get on with planning your new life.

Fudgeface123 · 26/05/2015 10:52

Can he not leave, or is it his house?

flora717 · 26/05/2015 11:00

Make your plans, get a place for you and your cat. You don't have to tell him that's what you're doing. I made that decision and just got on with plan B. I got everything 'set' you can do this.

SoleSource · 26/05/2015 13:36

My ex was like this. Refused to have any sort of conversation with me about anything or exploding in anger at the drop of a hat about anything. It wore me down to almost breaking point. I would constantly want to break up with him but I kept on trying. Even at the time I felt his behaviour was his cowardly way to make me break up with him.

Get away from him, cut contact asap. This can seriously effect your mind.

SoleSource · 26/05/2015 14:19

Yes, this is abuse. He'll never, ever change. If you stay you'll lose years of your life. Leave, grieve, get therapy if you feel you need someone to understand and unravel it not your fault.

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 18:07

So today DH sends me an email saying he's thinking of quitting his prestigious job as an attorney, which pays 90% of our bills. He's been complaining about being unhappy forever (this job and the job before, and before that, etc).

I think he's only doing this because of our latest fight as a strategy to take away any money I would get if I left. He claims the stress of the job is taking its toll on our marriage. No, the stress of him being a jackass is taking its toll on us. I replied that we should discuss it in person, not over email and that I'd never quit my job without talking to him first.

I know this is complete crazymaking manipulative behavior, but it's working. I'm getting crazy. He's not an impulsive guy at all. I'm really hoping he's bluffing.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 18:11

He's not abusive. Your relationship is a farce and simply does not work ergo you are both living different version of a hellish existence. He's not brave enough to put a stop to it to so perhaps you need to be.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 18:15

Hello Mag. So if I understand correctly:
there are no kids
there is no love between you
his behavior toward you is destructive and abusive
you have a job
you have a lovely feline companion
so what prevent you from moving out?
is the house on both your names?
can't you find where to lodge for a while before sorting out some permanent residence? (as PPs said above: with tuna + your loving presence the cat will be OK)
/good Luck!

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 18:18

Maybe you're right, confused.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 18:27

I know it sounds harsh but you are going to look back and wonder what exactly was locking you both in this unhappy trap together. The answer? Nothing. You both deserve happiness & taking the leap is scary , but you can only go up from here.

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 19:01

I think you have a point, confused. And I've said to him that he doesn't seem happy. Which he agrees with, but he says it's not due to our marriage. It's due to everything else. But then we don't talk, have sex, support each other, etc. He said he's tired of being everyone's "btch," although he actually has a very good job. I think it's his way of complaining that he's my btch too (because I called him on throwing a tantrum).

I'm certainly open to moving on. I agree that we aren't making each other happy.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 19:07

And there's no shame in agreeing that. It's utterly painful of course but I'm sure it's whats best for both of you. You do not want to end up hating each other what you're both feeling is pure frustration and defeat I'm sure, but its needless, you know what I mean? You can separate amicably right now and do you know what if you're meant to be together youll find your way back but for now it's just not working. Be kind to each other and let go.

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 19:18

I'm not sure he'll admit to that though. He's rejected all suggestions of that before and he'll turn it around and say that I want to leave. He's been divorced before and I'm sure he doesn't want to be twice-divorced. But he also refuses to get any help for his depression or seek counseling. He'll buy a self help book and claim he's going to read it, but it never does any good.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 19:41

its one of those where you can't see the wood for the trees - I know I've been there. And maybe you do want to leave? Because no-one who values themselves would want to stay to be ignored or snapped at. I don't think he's abusive I just think it may have run its course - distance and space will show you both if that's the case or not.

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 20:13

Yes, actually at this point, I want to not live in the stress of being snapped at or in fear of it. I was going to suggest a trial separation but I fear his response. He gets mad when I express hurt or anything in the relationship. That's basically all he does is get mad.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 20:16

That's his issue to deal with. He needs to learn to process his emotional reaction to negative stuff. He needs to learn but you can't teach him, that's the point I think. The guy sounds emotional very unevolved and the reason for that is unimportant. Can I say if you suggested a trial separation again and actually went through with it in a calm way, nothing bad would come of that. He may bargain and plead of retreat and threaten (all normal) but at least he will have spoken up. You can move from there but you can't go backwards and you can't stay in this limbo.

magazinewhore · 27/05/2015 22:49

I think if I suggested a trial separation, he will be quite mad, probably to the point of stomping out the door. That's what he did on Monday when I noted that we had gone the whole day and not talked to each other.

what do you do if a person refuses to communicate with you by becoming enraged and huffing away?

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 27/05/2015 22:59

Truthfully? My ex used to do this. To the point that he would give me a 'warning' that he was putting his shoes on and if I continued talking he would leave the room/house. That was the last straw for me. These men are not abusive they are just emotionally incredibly immature. I'm afraid that won't change. You cannot cajole him to change his approach. Don't suggest a separation just do it, tell him that's what's happening but you have to follow through. You cannot live like this. You're barely existing as a couple. I am now in an incredibly happy balanced relationship. Its been a revelation as I was so used to eggshells.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.