Upset - friend seems to think hearing aids are a horrific disaster

[MarvellousMarbles]

My friend has a quite noticeable hearing loss, and has done for years and years (possibly always). It quite clearly impacts her life, she gave up working a long time ago, and she won't go out with groups of people etc. She told me recently that she'd been referred to an audiologist who recommended hearing aids. She was horrified at this, and won't consider it.

I find it rather hurtful, since I have worn hearing aids for 40 years (since I was a toddler). My friend is well aware of that - we have been friends since the age of 8.

Obviously I didn't say so to her, but it really makes me question how she values me, if my hearing aids are such a dreadful thing that she wouldn't consider them for herself.

[MarvellousMarbles]

There are some interesting thoughts here. I think I'd have been better posting this in Relationships, as the YABU/YANBU quickfire answers aren't really helpful - entirely my fault for posting in AIBU. I think I will report and ask if it can be moved, as other parts of the responses are giving me some food for thought.

I think you are right to be upset OP. I suspect she may have always regarded you with a degree of pity and does not want people seeing her in the way she has seen you.
Moonrise - yes, I think you have struck to the heart of my reaction.

[HormonalHeap]

MargotLovedTom your situation is very similar to mine. Hearing went gradually in mid 20's, faulty hereditary gene. Now almost 100% in left ear, not much hearing left in right. I am 'used' to my life now. Every day I make a conscious effort to be thankful for the good things in it and try and accept my limitations. But it's bloody hard. Can I ask what age your children were when they noticed a hearing loss? As I have 2 teens showing no signs yet, but as a dominant gene the odds are 50/50.

[IonaMumsnet]

Afternoon folks. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships in a moment at the OP's request. Thanks to all who have contributed already.

[Boomerwang]

Hmm perhaps I'm in an enviable position, but if my friend said something about her or her family being embarrassed about a hearing aid, I'd point out that she didn't know I had one for weeks when we first met.

For the princely sum of £50 I bought a digital moulded hearing aid. You can only see it if you're looking for it as it's set inside my ear. The difference it's made to my life is wonderful and I love having it. If sounds get a bit overbearing, just turn it down (opted for manual volume control)

Now I no longer have to ask people to repeat themselves, or throw my head at them sideways so my ear is in their mouth or pretend I've heard when I haven't then get caught out. THAT was much more embarrassing than having a hearing aid.

So try asking your friend how embarrassed she feels about doing the above. That's if you can get past the part where you feel hurt about her comments, which I do understand. Point out that she talks to you like you don't have a hearing aid yourself, which should mean that actually it's not such a big deal and there's no elephant in the room when you meet.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Boomer, that is good advice.

My friend is very beautiful, which makes her hearing-avoidance strategies work quite well for her. When she doesn't respond, or responds in an off-beat way, then people tend to see her as 'mysterious' rather than odd. I have always thought that her hearing wasn't right, and mentioned it a few times when we were in our early 20s (20 years ago now!) but she dismissed it, as did mutual friends.

Her DH has the loudest, clearest, most foghorn voice on any man I've ever heard, which probably also helps - I sometimes wonder whether it was part of the attraction for her!

The PP who said that she might be asking for support without outright asking for it may have a point. If so, she's asking unconsciously (i.e. she doesn't think she's asking for support either) as it was more like an attack. But I suppose it could come out that way.

[Tinklypink]

OP have you considered that growing up with you and perhaps witnessing what SHE perceives as your struggles with your hearing has coloured her view?

It's not a horrible thing - my friend has noticed some potential development delay in her child similar to signs mine had at a similar age (now diagnosed ASD). She was devastated and eventually admitted through some snot and tears that him having any condition didn't frighten her but it was seeing the pain we had gone through, the struggles my son had had that frightened her. We have been through the mill a bit but I emphasised the differences and acknowledged the similarities then told her that the real difference was she had the benefit of my experience gir herself and from me. She finally sought some support for the delays and actually he's catching up.

It took months of bubbling and some rather random comments similar to the one you write about before it came out. I wasn't offended - I hadn't realised how much it affected friends looking inwards but I did feel terribly guilty.

I can see from your posts that accept your hearing loss - I accept my sons ASD but I had never stopped to consider how it had impacted around us.

[MarvellousMarbles]

I suppose you could be right, Tickly.

I think the way I deal with my hearing loss is just to get on with it. It's not the worst thing I have faced, by far, (I have a more severe disability). If my friend perceives my hearing loss as being part of some massive traumatic struggle, then that really bothers me.

Perhaps that's why I took it so badly, because it undermines how I see myself and my life.

[ravenmum]

You grew up with your hearing loss, though, didn't you? Of course it's natural to you. I've had glasses since I was seven, and it's a normal part of my everyday life - not even something I need to "get on with", just 100% normal that I can't see a thing without help. When friends say they might need glasses soon, and are not delighted about it, I do think "what a fuss about a tiny bit of blurring", but on the other hand I can see that to them, it's the first step on the route to being old and decrepit! It's traumatic to them, but not traumatic to me.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Raven, yes that is very true. What you grow up with is always natural in a way that what develops later in life isn't.

I suppose my mistake was in thinking that my hearing loss is also natural to the people I grew up with (like my friend) but it's not. Or only in relation to me, not to herself. In relation to herself it still fires up all the stereotypes and stigmas of deaf = stupid/old/ugly. I'd like to think it doesn't in relation to me.

[ravenmum]

You know, if you just tell your friend how you feel then it might actually make her reassess her attitude: if she reassures you that she doesn't think you're old and stupid just because of your hearing aid, then you can point out that the same will apply to her!

[shovetheholly]

I am so bemused by some of the reactions here. I honestly don't have the shadow of a doubt that the friend's reaction is both self-absorbed and insensitive. If you wear glasses, imagine how you'd feel if a friend sat down and said 'Oh GOD, you'll never guess what - the optician says I need glasses! I'm so ashamed! I'm going to be specky four-eyes, so unattractive, what am I going to do?' I refuse to believe that people wouldn't be just a little bit shocked/offended at that!

[MarvellousMarbles]

Raven - I don't want to do that - tell my friend how I feel so that she reassures me. I don't think I'll find it reassuring, frankly.

Shovetheholly - I think it's because people feel that 'of course hearing aids are embarrassing' in a way that they don't about glasses. It makes me sad.

[shovetheholly]

I agree, Marvellous. I think people don't see glasses as an 'aid' in the same way, when of course they are!

I also think the refusal to wear them leads to all kinds of social hell. My FIL is 70 and clearly struggling with hearing loss, but refuses to do anything about it, despite the fact that he wears glasses. It means that he is never in the conversation. He repeatedly asks questions repeatedly that have just been answered by other people, which feels really rude because it's like he's not bothered about what people are saying around him. We all have to bellow at him to get him to understand. I have hearing loss myself (a result of childhood illness) and I would much rather have an aid than behave in such a ridiculous way!

[shovetheholly]

(A sample conversation with the in laws, and a great example of the way it makes any kind of support/care difficult, because where we should be supporting we are attending to FIL's inability to admit he has a hearing problem while MIL desperately tries to pretend everything is normal)

BIL: Yes, my partner's been depressed for a while.
Me: Yes, he told me. It sounds so difficult for you both at the moment.
DH: I'm so sorry, is there anything we can do?
BIL: Things are a bit better now.
FIL: What's that?
BIL: My partner's been depressed, Dad
MIL: What lovely flowers you have.
FIL: Has been what?
BIL: DEPRESSED
FIL: Oppressed? Who's oppressing him?
DH: DEPRESSED
MIL: I do like your table cloth
FIL: Repressed? What, like Freud?
Chorus: DE- pres-sed!

[StillFrankie]

Marvellous I totally get how you're feeling. I think it's a friendship you'll need to end.

[chippednailvarnish]

I agree with Still (again), she isn't sounding like much of a friend.
Derailing the thread slightly, this is the second thread in as many days where I've found myself shocked by how dismissive people are towards people with impaired hearing...

[NameChange30]

"Obviously I didn't say so to her"

Why "obviously"? I think you should tell her how you feel. I don't think she intentionally meant to hurt you, but she was very insensitive towards your feelings, and actually quite disrespectful. The fact that she is having difficultly coming to terms with her own situation doesn't mean she can say whatever she wants about a disability that you have without considering the impact of those comments on you and your feelings.
Just tell her that you understand it wasn't about you but you feel hurt because you don't think your hearing aids are anything to be embarrassed about, and you would like her to be more sensitive to your feelings when discussing it.
It sounds like you're good friends and it's important you tell her how you feel. I am sure she will appreciate your honesty, especially if she is an up front person herself!

[StillFrankie]

chippednailvarnish this past week has been quite eye opening, hasn't it? Fortunately (touch wood) I haven't really experienced anything like this in real life...

[chippednailvarnish]

I just can't understand why people thing being prejudiced against deaf people is acceptable, but that is another thread.

[Boomerwang]

brilliant shovetheholly that one made me giggle :)

[Boomerwang]

mmm I'd say prejudice would mean treating people differently because of something. In this instance the OP doesn't mention whether her friend makes a deal out of her own hearing aids or hearing ability, just the friend's impending changes. I'm not sure raising your voice to speak when you notice a hearing aid is classed as prejudice either, because I don't see a negative or positive out of it, unless you consider drawing attention to you as a result is something you find unacceptable.

[chippednailvarnish]

Saying to someone who is wearing a hearing aid that you won't even try a hearing aid on as your family would be embarrassed is a prejudice.

I struggle to imagine anyone saying this about glasses or a prosthetic limb.

[NoIsNotACompleteSentence]

I don't think the issue is so much that the friend has a problem with wearing hearing aids herself, I found myself upset when I accepted I needed a wheelchair, as it confirmed an irreversible disability affecting my life hugely.

The issue is the friend being very insensitive in expressing this, as an embarrassment etc, to someone who wears hearing aids.

It's like me going over to the parents with disabilities board, or a thread for wheelchair users and saying "I've got to use a wheelchair, I'm so embarrassed, my DH and kids don't want to be seen with me in a chair". I would never be so thoughtless, insensitive and downright rude.

I would try and express my feelings appropriately, to the appropriate people.