Upset - friend seems to think hearing aids are a horrific disaster

[MarvellousMarbles]

My friend has a quite noticeable hearing loss, and has done for years and years (possibly always). It quite clearly impacts her life, she gave up working a long time ago, and she won't go out with groups of people etc. She told me recently that she'd been referred to an audiologist who recommended hearing aids. She was horrified at this, and won't consider it.

I find it rather hurtful, since I have worn hearing aids for 40 years (since I was a toddler). My friend is well aware of that - we have been friends since the age of 8.

Obviously I didn't say so to her, but it really makes me question how she values me, if my hearing aids are such a dreadful thing that she wouldn't consider them for herself.

[ShadowFire]

I really don't think your friends reaction is about you, or even about hearing aids.

I suspect that your friends horror at the thought of hearing aids is about feeling horrified that her hearing's bad enough for her to actually need hearing aids.

e.g. A feeling of horror that her body has failed her. NOT a feeling of horror because she detests hearing aids or suchlike.

[itsmeitscathy]

my mum and I cried when I was told I needed them and 4 years on I'm still constantly frustrated by other people's reactions to them.

no, it's not a disaster but can make some feel self conscious. I don't care about them on other people but I'm embarrassed by my own.

so YABU and YANBU - everyone deals with things in their own way.

[itsmeitscathy]

also Isabella, NHS hearing aids are now digital as a matter of course. However, pop into somewhere like Amplifon, Specsavers or Boots and get your hearing test done. It's free. Amplifon gave me a set to go and wander outside and it was amazing, I could hear cars and birds and it was brilliant! I kept playing with my zip haha. But then, I have quite particular hearing loss which the NHS don't really cater for - you can get a set of non NHS hearing aids for around 2k now which for me is worth it.

[chippednailvarnish]

I was born with poor hearing which has deteriorated as I have gotten older. I could have hearing aids if I wanted to but due to the type of hearing loss I have, they will only help in certain situations, so I don't bother. But that's not to say that I won't when I feel I need them.

OP you are clearly a much nicer person than me, as I wouldn't be able to not say something. She was rude and insensitive.

However, I am generally a confident person and I have no issue with explaining that I don't have great hearing and there are times I will need to clarify things. I also have deaf and partially deaf friends, so I have links to the deaf community and a wide exposure to deaf culture.

Frankly the day I give a shit what someone thinks about me wearing hearing aids as a negative thing will be the day unicorns are frolicking with the flying pigs in the back garden

[susyot]

marvellous but this isn't about your hearing aids it's about her potential hearing aids.

I have a friend who wears hearing aids and has done from childhood. I don't think of them as part of her, tbh I don't think of them at all ( I actually didn't notice them at all.) I don't think of her as my deaf friend she is just my friend.

Similarly, I wouldn't consider other aids such as a walking stick, wheelchair or guide dog to be part of a person. I know it's different for you as you possibly don't remember not having hearing aids so consider them as part of your identity(which of course is your right). However my friend considers her hearing aids to be a tool which she chooses to use.

I think it's an excellent point that hearing aids are not an automatic quick fix (they would not be for me) and even my friend has told me that they can be a pain.

I'm sorry you are upset but I would suggest that your friend doesn't see the hearing aids as part of you or alternatively that her reaction is part of her emotional response to acknowledging she has hearing loss.

[ScorpioMermaid]

My DH has suffered with ear related problems since early childhood which has resulted in him requiring 2 hearing aids. he was told he needed them at 14 but refused. I met him when he was 18 and for 9/10 years I badgered him into getting them sorted to improve his quality of life because I was sick of repeating myself 100 times a day. eventually I won and hes had them for about 5 years now. he was really self conscious at first but his only regret is not having them sooner. he's always telling people he knows that need them to get them sorted. He does moan sometimes about them though "I'm 33 with 2 hearing aids" fair enough comment but he doesn't get any sympathy from Me. especially when they whistle when I hug him

[MarvellousMarbles]

I'm not making it about me in my dealings with my friend. I didn't mention how it made me feel, in fact I didn't mention my hearing aids at all. I just listened to her (which I couldn't have done without the hearing aids, ironically...)

I'm posting on here INSTEAD of talking to my friend about it, specifically because I wouldn't choose to load my feelings on to her.

But it is hurtful. It is the stigma of it that puts her off, she hasn't even tried any on to see how they would sound. She said that her DH and kids would be embarrassed by her if she had them.

I think that perhaps if she'd been asking for help in getting over these feelings, or at least acknowledging they weren't great, then it would have been fine, but as it was, it left me with a feeling that her attitude was 'they're good enough for you, but not for me.'

[chippednailvarnish]

Sorry but she sounds like a knob as does her DH.
I'd write her an email and ask her if she's embarrassed by you and explain how much she has upset you. What she has said is completely unacceptable.

She doesn't sound much of a friend.

[susyot]

Can I ask a question of those of you who would be hurt if a friend was upset at having to use the same type of aid as you. Was I insensitive to talk to my friend about my hearing loss and that I was upset about it and the impact it had on my life? I did ask if it was ok to talk first.

[cathpip]

scholes I don't have a hearing loss but my ds does and when I tried his hearing aids on that's the first thing I noticed. I could hear my hair moving against the aid! very weird....

[chippednailvarnish]

Susyot Of course not. Being upset about hearing loss is perfectly normal as it does impact your life as you know it.

I'm annoyed on the OP's behalf as being told that hearing aid users are an "embarrassment" is ridiculous!

[MarvellousMarbles]

susyot - I wouldn't be hurt by someone saying 'I'm having trouble dealing with this and I'm coming to you for help because you've dealt with it yourself'

In fact, over the years that has happened to me a few times (a work colleague, a different friend, and an acquaintance with a child diagnosed with a hearing loss). I've never found that at all offensive, and was very glad to offer support.

This was different. It was, perhaps, more like being black/gay/female and discovering that a long-term friend has deep-seated racist/homophobic/misogynist thoughts.

[susyot]

Sorry, cross post - Your last post puts a different slant on things. That was unreasonable and insensitive of your friend, I completely understand why you are upset.

I hope I haven't upset you with any of my posts, I was just trying to explain why someone might not mean it as a personal slight if they were horrified at needing aids.

I do feel sorry for your friend, I would be devastated if that had been my family's reaction to me needing hearing aids. However, that does not excuse your friend if she has accepted the "stigma" as justified.

[MargotLovedTom]

Well now we've got the further information that words like 'an embarrassment' are being bandied about then you'd be quite within your rights to say "So am I seen as embarrassment then?!" She will squirm and try to backtrack and you will have made your point.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Thanks susyot. It was quite a long conversation, I'm only gradually working through what exactly about it upset me, but this thread is helping.

i've heard loads of negative comments about deafness/hearing aids over time, and they've not upset me in the same way. Usually they're from people with no personal experience of it and often with no idea that I wear them myself. I think it's because she's such an old friend, and she's grown up with me so hearing aids aren't an unknown quantity to her, that it hit so hard.

[susyot]

Heh, cross posts everywhere.

I can understand being afraid of being stigmatised, after all there is enough of it going on at the moment with the rhetoric about benefit cuts. However actually accepting the stigma is wrong.

I remember a thread about a woman who needed crutches or a wheelchair whose husband refused to be seen out with her because he was embarrassed. I just can't get my head around that type of attitude.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Margot - no, if I said, 'so am I an embarrassment?' to her, she wouldn't squirm. She'd give me a gimlet look and say 'I'm not talking about you.' In fact, it would then become my fault for twisting her words.

[chippednailvarnish]

The more you write, the worse she sounds...

[MarvellousMarbles]

She's a very direct, abrasive type of person, and her opinions are unshakeable - she doesn't change her mind easily and she doesn't take criticism well (or at all!)

She's also someone who you can trust absolutely to keep a secret, who will keep a promise (minor or major) come what may, and who will spend all night listening to a friend's problems without ever bringing up her own, worse ones.

I think perhaps what she said shows that she thinks 'of course' deafness/hearing aids is/are an embarrassment given. And so, because that's a given, saying so is not a personal attack on me (in her view).

Sorry if this is all rather ramble. AIBU probably isn't the place for it. Your posts are spurring me on to work out why exactly it upset me so much, so thanks, and don't stop.

[ShadowFire]

Missed the updates.

I'd assumed that her problems were to do with coming to terms with her hearing loss, but I see that assumption was wrong. Sorry OP.

Her using terms like 'embarrassing' and 'stigma' is definitely offensive. YANBU.

[letscookbreakfast]

It's her loss, I've worn two since I was six and I'm late twenties now. Sometimes I do prefer my own quiet world but the difference they make at work and social situations is a godsend. I have bright orange moulds and they have been a great icebreaker.

[StillFrankie]

YANBU

I used to wear hearing aids (CI now) and it has always annoyed me to find hoh people who don't. I don't consider it a big deal or anything to be ashamed/embarrassed by. I feel the same as you do tbh

[IsJustMe]

I've had to wear hearing aids for a few years now. My first ones were dreadful and I couldn't use them - noise amplification, couldn't use the phone etc. I now have digital ones, and it feels like normal hearing, and I don't even know that I am wearing them.

I do not feel self-conscious about having to wear them, although some people start talking in a VERY LOUD VOICE when they see them. When I first told people that I was having to get some, some of them were horrified - maybe they thought it was the slippery slope into old age (and I'm not that old), I guess it is something many people associate with "being old" and find it depressing.

Mine are a very boring colour, and I plan to get something more psychedelic for my next pair.