Upset - friend seems to think hearing aids are a horrific disaster

[MarvellousMarbles]

My friend has a quite noticeable hearing loss, and has done for years and years (possibly always). It quite clearly impacts her life, she gave up working a long time ago, and she won't go out with groups of people etc. She told me recently that she'd been referred to an audiologist who recommended hearing aids. She was horrified at this, and won't consider it.

I find it rather hurtful, since I have worn hearing aids for 40 years (since I was a toddler). My friend is well aware of that - we have been friends since the age of 8.

Obviously I didn't say so to her, but it really makes me question how she values me, if my hearing aids are such a dreadful thing that she wouldn't consider them for herself.

[MargotLovedTom]

Well you seem to have explained her attitude towards hearing aids quite plausibly in your last post. If know her to be a generally decent person then we're back to not taking it to heart. If she briskly says "Oh I'm not talking about you!" then perhaps take that at face value?

You are comfortable with your hearing aid use so don't let this get to you.

[MarvellousMarbles]

No, Margot, my rationalisation of her attitude (which of course may be wrong) makes me much sadder. If she was an unpleasant person, then I would write it off as a manifestation of unpleasantness.

But she's not. And despite knowing me all this time, she has a deep-seated belief in the awfulness/stigma of hearing aid wearing. It makes me more upset, not less that she feels that way.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

I really don't think that the fact that she does not want to wear hearing aids means that she looks down on people who do.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Why not, They?

[happygirl87]

OP, the only thing I can possibly liken it to is that fact that many people, myself included, would honestly not judge a friend for seeking help with depression, and would be sympathetic that that friend was suffering but would no more blame them than for having a cold BUT for ourselves we think it's weak and a sign of indulgence to seek help for ourselves. Lots of people have double standards for themselves v others

[MargotLovedTom]

Surely if she's a very direct and blunt person and you've known her very well and for a long time something would have slipped out before now that she thinks your hearing aids are something you should be embarrassed about.

I think it seems to be something she has a problem with for herself, and that is something you aren't likely to be able to change (nor should you - she is entitled to her own feelings about things affecting her body. Mind you it doesn't sound like her DH and Ds's attitude helps ).

[MarvellousMarbles]

That's an interesting analogy, happygirl.

Though, perhaps that double standard isn't so much a different (higher?) standard for ourself, but a reveal of our instinctive emotional feelings about the situation (which come out when it's us that's affected rather than someone else?)

[DeeWe]

I think people look at things that effect them differently than they judge them on other people. They think "it's fine for them, they're confident and don't mind at all, but I just can't do it, everyone will stare, I'm not confident like them.."

A number of years ago I was on a forum for people whose dc had some degree of upper limb loss. Dd2 was born with her arm missing from below the elbow, and there were parentsof children and adults who themselves were effected: everything from missing most of the fingers on one hand through to all 4 limbs with some degree of loss. Very supportive group.

Someone joinedwhose 13yo ds had just lost the end of his little finger on his left hand trapping it in the door. We had pages and pages of how he'd never play basket ball/base ball again, never get married, never drive, fail all his exams and no one would take him seriously again.
People started being very sympathetic and saying that it wasn't going to effect him much, and sharing how their dc managed they responded with along the lines of "it's okay for you/your dc, but my dc won't be able to...."
The strange thing was that they could be quite supportive of others with more limb loss than their ds, but as far as he was concerned they were sure his life was over.

[NoIsNotACompleteSentence]

She does sound very insensitive and thoughtless, I really think you should tell her that her comments have hurt you. People need to be told sometimes.

[MumSnotBU]

I have an NHS bone anchored hearing aid (BAHA) as my type of hearing loss is not fixable with a standard aid. It's hidden completely in my hair and people don't know it's there unless I tell them. I do tell people-and sometimes get a very surprised reaction along the lines of 'you don't look deaf'...wtf! But some people do see hearing aids and make stupid assumptions about the person. Sounds to me like your friend is one of them.

I get very frustrated, isolated and tired without it and it means I can pass as not deaf most of the time. To me it's like specs, or false teeth or a replacement joint- if you need them, wear them and be glad they have been invented.

[ApplePaltrow]

Agree with happygirl. People often find it easier to be compassionate towards others than themselves.

I also think it's a bit unfair to take things she's said (embarassed?) and repeat them without context. I can imagine (to continue with happygirl's analogy) that someone might say in an emotionally close moment of pouring her heart out about depression to a friend "I'm being ridiculous, I'm being weak, I just need to get over it." You could run to mumsnet and say "Is my friend being unreasonable to say that depressed people are weak?" and get lots of people villifying her - but context matters. She may be telling you her deepest darkest fears because she thinks you'll understand.

If you're not the right person to support her, tell her that. But don't judge her.

[MarvellousMarbles]

Your post is judgemental, Apple. Ironically enough!

If you read my previous posts, you'll see that my friend was not asking for support. You'd also see that if she had, I'd have been more than happy to offer it, and have done so to other people in similar circumstances.

I don't quite know how to take your 'run to mumsnet' comment. Isn't that what all posters do (though, as it happens, it was quite a slow saunter in my case.)

Also people find it easier to be compassionate towards others than themselves. I am not asking anyone for compassion. I have no need of it. What an odd comment. And not, IMO, what the PP was saying.

[NoIsNotACompleteSentence]

The posters saying that she is not making a judgement about the Op, she is explaining her own feelings etc ....would you make these comments to a friend?

EG to a friend with a disabled child "I couldn't have a disabled child, my DH and kids would be embarrassed"

Or to someone next to you in a queue in a wheelchair "I couldn't use one, I would be embarrassed"

I'm betting you wouldn't, because it's insensitive as hell. I would find it insulting, and I can see why OP is upset about this. Ok, she might find hearing aids embarrassing but she is talking to someone wearing them! You would have a little tact, surely?

It's separate to the issue of her opinion that aids are "embarrassing" (her opinion, bit foolish IMO, but her opinion) and the way she is expressing that opinion.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I would love to understand why people who know you have a hearing problem repeat things IN A VERY LOUD VOICE when you say Sorry, didn't quite catch that, could you say it again. It completely winds me up. Its a fine line between people thinking you are not listening and then saying, I have a hearing problem and they think you have to be shouted at or spoken to like an idiot.

[SauvignonBlanche]

YANBU, I can see why you'd feel like this.
I can understand why your friend feels like this, I was very embarrassed my my new aids, acquired at the age of 21 but expressing that to you is not very diplomatic.

[ApplePaltrow]

MarvellousMarbles

I think you've completely misunderstood my comment. I meant that your friend may find it easier to be more compassionate to you than to herself.

I don't think my post is judgmental (I definitely don't understand what you mean). Can you give more context to the "embarrassed comment"? Or did she just out of the blue tell you she found you embarrassing (in a way that always seems to happen on mumsnet but never in real life)

[ocelot41]

I have worn two since I was in my late twenties as had meningitis which gobbled a fair amount of my hearing. I remember being very upset at the time: partly because it had been handled so badly by the consultant who gave me the news and partly because at that age you are so caught up with being seen as attractive. Hearing loss is strongly associated with old age in our culture. But now I am like meh. I don't especially like having to wear them, but I would rather not be exhausted/depressed/run over by a rat run van I didn't hear coming.

A friend of mine recently got one and was a but wobbly about it. I remembered how I felt at first and STFU. She is fine now - just takes a while to accept this new version of yourself I guess

[MarvellousMarbles]

Apple, no I think you have misunderstood my reply. Of course I understood that you thought my friend was being more compassionate to me than to herself.

I disagreed with your interpretation. My friend didn't show any compassion towards me when she said that wearing hearing aids would embarrass her family. She said it in a way that showed she agreed with her family.

I also stated that I didn't need any compassion. I don't require my friend to pity me for my hearing aids and be kind to me because of them. But I am hurt that after knowing me all her life, she still thinks that hearing aids are too awful to consider wearing herself.

[Walkacrossthesand]

One comment I would make to your friend (although it's slightly off track to your OP) is that being a person who doesn't hear, is much more conspicuous than being a person who wears aids - especially if you choose inconspicuous aids and a covering hairstyle.
Her comment reveals more about how focussed she is on outward appearance and 'perfection'. She might need some help to see that, and you might be in a good position to talk to her about your positive experience of wearing aids. She's projecting, isn't she - because she feels embarrassed about a physical impairment, she thinks her family/friends will, too - but you know, from your lived experience, that this isn't the case.

[MoonriseKingdom]

I think you are right to be upset OP. I suspect she may have always regarded you with a degree of pity and does not want people seeing her in the way she has seen you.

My MIL put off wearing hearing aids for years. As her deafness came on I later life I think she was never very good at lip reading. She has recently been persuaded to try them and has found it a bit of a revelation as to how much conversation was crossing her by.

I don't know if you have seen this article from The Guardian last year. I found it a very interesting insight into what it would be like to hear after many decades of deafness and the mixed emotions that go with it.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/08/i-can-hear-after-20-years-being-deaf

[JessiePinkman]

Yabu op get over yourself.
Wow it's interesting to hear lots of you prefer you quiet little bubble - like me I get by lip reading, hearing aids make every sound uncomfortable & I would only wear them if I absolutely had to and make sure I have some aspirin with me

[FryOneFatManic]

Given that there are loads of people around with hearing aids now, she may very well have been dealing with people who wear them without ever realising.

I was born partly deaf. I got analogue hearing aids in my teens but never got on with them, especially as wearing glasses meant that behind my ears I ended up with permanent sores as everything rubbed together. So I stopped wearing them.

I finally got NHS digital aids last year and it has made such a difference! They can't be seen but actually I don't care if they can. I've not encountered any negativity from family, friends or work colleagues, it's all been treated so matter of factly. I have no problem in taking them out to adjust or change the battery, etc, at work.

So i feel sad that the OP's friend feels it's a stigma to have hearing aids, that she's embarrassed by the idea, as I've not encountered anyone who would stigmatise anyone.

[FryOneFatManic]

For those who don't wear their aids because of overwhelming noise, were you told it could take 3-6 months of wearing them constantly during your waking hours for your brain to adjust?

I wore the aids at a volume below the setting my audiologist said was best, on his advice, to accustom myself to the increased volume. I spent a couple of weeks gradually turning the volume up and wincing against the volume.

Now it's nearly a year since I first had them and I wear them from when I get up to when I go to bed. I certainly don't have that overpowering volume problem, my brain had made the adjustments. I don't consciously hear every little rustle, I've tuned it all out.

If you have aids, you really need to persevere with them to get the best out of them.

[differentnameforthis]

It means that she thinks negatively about my hearing aids It really doesn't op!

My friend has worn them since birth, if I had to wear them I would be reluctant. And that isn't because of how I see my friend & her hearing aids, but to do with my fears around losing my hearing, not being as dependant as before (although that would be unfounded, it would still cross my mind), getting older, being different.

This is about her fears, not your hearing aids.

[differentnameforthis]

If you read my previous posts, you'll see that my friend was not asking for support.

Or was she? People don't outright say "I need support with this" they cry, they get angry, they get upset, they lock themselves away, they may make comments that don't sound all that good, they go quiet...most of these can be a cry for help & support.

A friend was a few months pregnant, with her third child (relevant) when I went to her, having found out I was pregnant with an UNWANTED third baby. I knew I had to have a termination, but I simply said to her "I am pregnant. I don't want it" ... does that mean I was judging her, or looking negatively at her for having three, where I only wanted 2? Did that mean that I thought she not have more because I thought three children was too much for me? Did that mean that I thought everyone who wanted more than two were irresponsible/stupid etc?

No!! Not at all.

Because we are all different. We all cope with things differently! She was a wonderful support to me during that time, and not once did I ask her, directly, for support. She could see my struggle & she helped me. The same as I did when she slipped into her own issues a little later.

As friends, we shouldn't have to say 'support me' I thought it would be a given?

Perhaps she is looking for reassurance, but you seem too busy over-analysing her thoughts & fears to see that what she is doing, is asking for help!