"But we took you to Stately Homes!" Survivors of Dystfunctional Families

[Meerka]

It's May 2015, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
March 2015

Dec 14- March 15

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

[EssexMummy123]

Also, why do you have to see her?

Your post has got me thinking, i am currently attempting LC with my mother and its hard, much harder than NC as I am with my father. My mother has issues with depression, anxiety and probably is bi-polar, she's not all that cooperative with her local CMHT. I'm trying to keep the phone calls to once a month because the FOG as well as the negativity and anxiety just makes me stressed and yet the phone has gone 4/5 times this evening which, so far I'm ignoring. I have no siblings or other family to share with this and i feel guilty for typing this but I just don't want a relationship with her, i'm not sure why i feel the need to be even LC except out of guilt. My partner (who hasn't answered the landline in 4 years in case its' her) thinks i should accept her for who she is but i still can't and the guilt gets to me regularly, but even with all these guilty thoughts flying around its still more peaceful not answering the phone than trying to justify myself re FOG / emotional blackmail.

[pocketsaviour]

Noshow my sis has been LC with my mum for a few years (I've now gone NC with my mum since Feb and my mum seems to have cut my sis off as a result, crazy woman)

She said what really helped her with phone calls was to put the phone on speaker and have her partner sitting there listening as well as a sort of madness-checker and validator.

Would a similar set-up be feasible for you?

[pocketsaviour]

goldenrose my mum constantly read my diary. I eventually resorted to writing in Spanish, which at least helped my GCSE results.

Part of my dad's abuse of me was that he would say
"I know you've done something wrong and I have to punish you" (by which he meant a naked beating)
I would say "I haven't done anything Daddy, who said that?"
He would say "I can't reveal my sources but I think you know what I'm talking about."

I was an incredibly well-behaved child (mainly because I was terrified of him hitting me - just the run of the mill daily whacks round the head, not the abuse stuff, which always happened in private.)

He would make me dredge my memory until I came up with something, could be as trivial as "I crossed the road outside the shop instead of walking to the zebra crossing" or "I put my sanitary towel wrapper in the bathroom bin instead of taking it outside to the main bin" (he was really weird about periods, we were never allowed to mention them but he always ramped up the abuse when I was menstruating.)

In this way he made me collude in my own abuse, which was possibly the sickest fucking thing I've ever experienced.

But in addition, it made me feel that I was being watched (and judged, of course) at all times. That I had no secrets, no privacy, because everything was being reported to my dad.

I have a big problem with privacy and boundaries as a result. I am always astonished when someone on MN says in a thread "Why were you checking your DH's phone/emails" - I mean, why wouldn't you? Privacy - what's that?

I know I overshare as a result of this. I find it difficult to understand the difference between public and private.

[PeppermintCrayon]

Essex what does your partner mean by accepting who she is? If they mean accepting that she makes you feel awful and allowing yourself to properly acknowledge that you don't want to speak to her, I agree. If they mean suck it up and be nice to her, I don't.

Can you turn the ringer off?

Pocket I'm so sorry to hear that.

My privacy was constantly disrupted for reasons that may out me if I explain. I'm now madly precious about my space and my stuff.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"My partner (who hasn't answered the landline in 4 years in case its' her) thinks i should accept her for who she is"

Why?.

Sometimes people come out with such guff because their own mother is actually emotionally healthy. Your mother is clearly not. And why on earth should you do that anyway to potentially spare his feelings?.

You do not have that luxury of the above; also it is telling that he has not himself answered the phone in the past 4 years in case it is her so he is being hypocritical here.

[SnapCackleFlop]

I'd like to join in here please :) if that's ok.
I've been reading the Stately Home boards for so long but have never posted here before.
I'm fairly certain my mum is a narcissist and I saw a counselling psychologist last year for a few times (it was so very expensive it wasn't something I could keep up long term).

I have 2 dcs and my biggest fear is messing them up myself through unresolved stuff and all the constant worry and anxiety.

I've gone very LC over the past couple of years but it hasn't really helped. I feel so anxious when the phone rings and am always waiting for the next catastrophie.

I've read what feels like a million books on the subject of narcissistic parents yet I'm awful at dealing with things and I think all the worry and anxiety and feeling not good enough are signs that I still feel afraid of and subject to my parents.

I'm desparate to change but don't know how.

[mammabmamma]

SnapCackleflop hi, welcome to the thread, I've not posted much but wanted to say hi :-) I'm afraid I don't really have much advice for you though.

[mammabmamma]

Thank you GoldenRose didn’t mean to ignore you there. Thanks for your reply, that sounds awful to have to go throug. I never kept a diary, I didn't dare tell anyone.

[Theymakemefeellikeshit]

Pocket I am so sorry. It must have been awful.

Snap Do feel you could go NC? In my situation I know this would cause a huge up roar withing the family and I can't face that. My parents would deny all the incidents and I would be made out to be unreasonable. I am LC without it being obvious because of distance we don't just pop round for afternoon tea.

I never used to say anything about my parents in front of my DC but when my parents decided to honour us with a visit the stress level (or should I say my stress levels) would rocket. I was like a woman possessed screaming like a banshee to get this tidied up and that put away. As my DC have got older they have been on the receiving end of comments and often comment on who the favourite GC is.

Staffie I feel so sorry for you (I don't know how to say it without sounding patronising which I definitely don't mean to be). They have clouded your decision making. And for the ones of us who did have children our parents have made us make a big thing about how we treat our children.

In the past she has said a number of times how her younger brother is the favourite. I am so paranoid about it but never knew if it was her sulking over something. I took my DD out for lunch today and basically said cut the crap do you think he is the favourite. Her only gripe was that when she finished her GCSEs I made her get a job and I didn't for him. I have tried to explain why so I hope she understand the reasons now.

[Loveheart0]

A couple of things going round my head recently.

Does anyone feel overwhelmingly defined by their parents? I've been thinking about this a lot, my mum constantly analysed us, decided on our features and referenced them constantly in conversation - like, twice a week. Therefore everything 'bad' we did was proof and we as siblings believed them. Even now my brother will still day to me 'you know [sister] is always like that' with a lot of bitterness, and it's commonly accepted and discussed.
for example - I am oversensitive, overemotional and as a result often so wrapped up in my own issues that I'm selfish/ungrateful (but not deliberately, only because I'm so chaotically emotional, again reinforcing how weak I am). Anything I try to bring up in regards to my mums behaviour is put down to this
my sister is selfish, thoughtless, often flippant/rude (apparently). I just think she can be all of these things but actually would be devastated if she thought she ever hurt someone but would never get credit for this as it would undermine how selfish she apparently is. I also think she's amazing.
It's very limiting and effective for control. How would I ever break out of it because talking about it just reinforces how oversensitive and emotional I am?!?!

Also, does anyone find that their parents have to know everyone, and know them well? It's so undermining and upsetting. I've been NC with my mum for a couple of months now and I can still see her all over facebook liking MIL's photos/DP's statuses. If I were ever to mention finding it inappropriate as they know she's not talking to me, she would be very quick to jump to, 'Oh X and I have a relationship outside of you, we've had loads of discussions about xyz' - making me seem controlling and selfish but also reminding me I'm not the be all and end all. Also reminding me just how ingrained she is in my life.

Finding all of this very difficult. Still NC after a couple of months. We were meant to meet up to talk things over (her instigation in a phone call) and she never turned up . NC just seems inescapable now as I have too many issues with the way that she is and can't articulate them and she'll never accept them. Imagine if she just apologised and wanted to change

[Loveheart0]

Also just to say I haven't RTFT yet as I'm feeling a bit crap so sorry if I'm gatecrashing in the middle of someone else's conversation (state crashing) overtired

[PeppermintCrayon]

Snap also wondering if you could see a counsellor, if not possible via your GP then BACP is a good place to start.

I'm awful at dealing with things.

No, you're not. That's an example of your parents in your head, right there, and a really harsh way to talk about yourself. It's difficult dealing with these things, because the situation is difficult and awful. But there isn't a person alive who was born knowing how to cope with toxic parents. Finding it hard, not knowing how to cope, having confusing or complex feelings, all perfectly normal.

Challenging this sort of negative self-talk is important.

Loveheart you aren't gate crashing. It's everyone's conversation and you don't need to RTFT unless you want to. It can be a bit overwhelming at first, posting about this stuff, can't it? But you get enough guilt and obligation out of the toxics, there's no need for the stately home to provide more. Sorry you're feeling crap. Please try to be kind to yourself.

How would I ever break out of it because talking about it just reinforces how oversensitive and emotional I am?!?!

I think this has been used to make you powerless to object to being hurt, and that really sucks, it's absolutely a form of control. And it's a lie, because you are getting upset about things anyone would find upsetting! Try asking yourself: what would I think if someone else felt/reacted this way in this situation?

I strongly suggest blocking your mum on Facebook so you don't have to see her interacting with anyone else, pretending it's all fine and dandy, and making you feel invalidated. Two months isn't long, so it's completely understandable that you are finding it hard, but it won't always feel like it does now.

I'm sorry she didn't turn up, that sounds hurtful, but I also would be wary of offers to do so; I can't help wondering if talking things through means her berating you and telling you how you should feel, rather than listening.

Imagine if she just apologised and wanted to change

I imagine this too. We all do, I think.

[GoodtoBetter]

Haven't got much time (supposed to be working) but just wanted to agree with pretty much everything peppermint said to love about the crazy making of toxic parents and how 2 months is right there in the shit, intense, horrible emotional bit of NC. It gets a bit easier as time goes on, if nothing else than because it gives you a bit of peace and space to breathe and grow and see the crazy batshittery of your parents for what it is.

Hang in there.

[NoTechnologicalBreakdown]

I haven't posted on here before but Loveheart that just resonates so much. That is exactly how I felt 20 years ago when my parents had their hands on me and it has taken most of those 20 years to get over being ashamed of myself. You are not weak. You are not even over-sensitive, these are the standard insults abusers use to make you think it is all your own fault. You are over-emotional right now because your parents have been playing with your emotions like a kitten with a ball of yarn, possibly since you were born. You have had a shit time.

Take time out. Focus on the fact that they make you unhappy, and stay away from them. It is highly unlikely that they will ever do anything but make you unhappy. If you must keep in touch, keep it minimal.

As Peppermint says we all imagine what it would have been like to have normal loving parents. We don't have them. It is hard to accept. But once you do you can move on with building a new life. They are the problem, not you.

[BruceSpringClean]

Hi Snap, welcome to the thread - I hope you find it a source of comfort & help.

Also hi Loveheart "Also, does anyone find that their parents have to know everyone, and know them well?" - yes, my mother does this. I've never really figured out why. She's a very intrusive and controlling woman & I try to keep her abilities to intrude on my life to a minimum - for example, she knows next to nothing about my job, and very little about my friends. I've never told her exactly where I work, because I wouldn't put it past her to just turn up there one day and demand to come & watch me do my job! In your situation, I'd block her for a while, just to give you a bit of peace of mind.

I've been brought here today because I've received a letter in the post from my "D"M this morning. As a result of me not phoning her back straight away after a brief phone conversation we had on Monday. (I usually have her number blocked until I feel up to speaking to her - because I find our phone calls pretty draining - she can be a very demanding woman.) I don't know what the letter said because I've burned it. But I'm pretty upset all the same and feeling sad that I haven't got a normal, non-dramatic, interested & caring mother, like other people seem to have. Sometimes I look at other people's mums and wish they were my mum. DP's mum is lovely

[Meerka]

Does anyone feel overwhelmingly defined by their parents? I've been thinking about this a lot, my mum constantly analysed us, decided on our features and referenced them constantly in conversation

my biological mother did this and also said "you're just like me!" a lot.

Since she was an appalling mother it's left me with a deep horror of becoming her. Horror is not too strong a word for it.

My step mother used to tell everyone I was unstable. I was, actually, but it got back to me and hurt a lot. Just because she was right didn't mean she needed to tell everyone that :/

[SnapCackleFlop]

Thanks so much to you all for your kind welcome :)

StaffieGirl Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm so sad that you've decided not to have children because of the way your parents were - ironically I think being able to reflect on things so much means you'd be pretty great. I know things are that simple though.

Theymakemefeellikeshit I think my situation is a bit like yours in that if I went totally NC there would be such a crazy fallout it wouldn't be worth it. In the past if I didn't text/call back in a day or two my mum sent a message saying they would have to contact the police :/

Brucespringclean I know exactly what you mean about looking at other people's mothers and feeling so sad. Totally relate to the draining thing too.

Peppermintcrayon I think you're right and I would really benefit from seeing a counsellor again. The last time it was helpful but I felt so guilty spending the money (it was £75 a session) and it made a real dent in our family finances.

I'd love to find someone really good at dealing with adult children of Narc parents - I can't face having to explain everything or someone not getting it.

Mamabmama thanks for saying hi! I'm glad this board is here though sad it has to exist.

x

[PeppermintCrayon]

Bruce that does sound upsetting, when my mother sent through her post-sending phase I felt so invaded and intruded upon. I'm sorry you don't have the mother you should have. It's not fair, it's really not.

Meerka that sounds so hurtful. £75 is fairly expensive for counselling, but it depends where in the country you are. There are some low-cost places about. I believe the charity Stand Alone may be able to suggest estrangement-savvy counsellors, but not sure.

[PeppermintCrayon]

PS I'm sad that you felt guilty spending money on something so important - your emotional wellbeing matters. Just wanted to say that.

[GoodtoBetter]

I had sessions with a therapist (skype, not in person) at €85 a session which was a bit eye-watering at the time but absolutely worth every single cent and more. He really really got it. And once he felt I was OK to "go it alone" wound the sessions down. I even got in touch again to talk about maybe having another session around poignant aniiversaries and he put me off, said it was too soon since finishing and that I was obviously doing really well. So, not the kind of person to string sessions out at all.
If you can afford it a really good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold.

[Theymakemefeellikeshit]

Loveheart and Bruce I thank my lucky stars that my parents are not tech savvy enough to be on facebook!

Snap the other reason I stay LC is I would not get the support from my DH. He just doesn't get it. If I hear 'you only have one mother' one more time I may have to kill him.

My mum doesn't ring - her attitude is it is us who should contact her. I e-mail the family week - they can't be bothered to reply.

[INickedAName]

Is it ok if I sneak in? I posted elsewhere on MN today and I was recommended this thread. I'm trying to get my head around everything and it's very confusing, there's not really anyone I can talk to other than my brother, who is hurting so much so I don't want to make him worry about me. I've already recognised patterns from the post in in this thread alone. I feel stupid for not realsing just how cruel my Dad and his wife are until now. I'm 35 and it's taken me so long to see my Dad for what he was. I'm so sorry for what everyone here has had to go through. Below is what I posted before, I've copied and pasted as I find it draining trying to word it, without me looking selfish. Here goes.

** I've had the rug pulled right from under me over the weekend.
I could write pages and pages I'm so hurt/angry. My brother recieved about half an hours worth of voicemails from my stepbrother at 3am telling him how our dad (he died suddenly three years ago) never gave a shit about my brother and I, he never wanted to visit us when we children, how step mum hated having us at her house, and how he only ever came to see us after being forced. He said I'm a slag, my mother is a slag, my bros wife is a fat bitch, and he's going to knock us all out. He ended the voicemails saying he can prove dad hated us, as dad left him and our half sister 13k each with more to follow and db and I nothing, and it's all my slag of a mothers fault for leaving dad 30 years ago.
My db rang stepmum the next day, who didn't want to listen to voicemails, but she ended up listening to the first, my brother was expecting her to say it's lies but she basically said, yes, your dad was tired from working all week to provide for his family and didn't want to travel (20 mins drive) so just didn't turn up. When my half sister was born he went to put their names on policy, removing db and I, saying only the children who live with him matter. She genuinely can't see why this is upsetting, that we should understand!
I've had it confirmed by the person who witnessed policy, who is neutral and wouldn't lie, my dad actually said we didn't matter, and it's not the money, it's really not, it's looking back my whole life, at my Dad's emotional blackmail, threats of suicide, when I wouldn't do what he wanted me to. He'd always say "after everything I've done for you"" if you loved me". It's having every memory of my Dad taken away, I've not got one single happy memory of him, every memory is him criticising or judging me, but I always thought it was because he loved me, but it appears it was for show. My brother is devastated. He was much closer to them all, my dad would say how proud he was of how he "raised" him, truth is he didn't do a fucking thing, it was all mum. He'd complain about us looking scruffy, but not help mum by paying child support.
I feel worse than I did when dad died, it feels like my whole life has been a lie, I keep seeing the five year old me, sitting on a step, waiting for him to come, and he was asleep on sofa after working so hard for his current "family". Couldn't even be arsed to let mum know he wasn't coming. I've read about narcissism and it fits them all to a T, he didn't see us as individual people, just tools used to control mum further, and somehow he brainwashed his wife and stepson to hate her too. Everything, every single little thing was about them. There are so many incidents I don't even know where to start to unpick them. I feel stupid tbh.
I have so much more respect for my Mum now. As much as Dad hated her, she was there, every single day, she was the one picking us up from the step, going without food herself to feed us, and the million other things she did to pick up his slack. I hate him one second, and then feel guilty for being mad. It's one big mess! **

I feel like I can't talk about it without looking like I'm grabby and want money. I don't, I truly truly don't. I'm working my way through the links and will post more as time goes on but it's so assuring that there is somewhere to talk with others who get it.

[Loveheart0]

Thanks everyone. Blocking her on Facebook is a bit confrontational which I'm a bit too scared of still despite NC I'm in a horrible limbo of having things almost clear and the bravery to say it but no contact or opportunity to say it... When she eventually does get in touch I'm worried I will have lost the momentum. I just wish it would be over - either we were back in contact (which I'd like in the long run but I'd need to work out how to deal with her from scratch) or I'd like some confirmation of the NC - a conversation or something, but then I'm overwhelmed thinking there's just so much how would I ever articulate it all. But at the moment I feel like I could get a phone call any minute. Control, I suppose
At the moment I'm second guessing everything because I'm not used to no feedback from my mum, double thinking all contact with the sibling who still lives with her as I'm always waiting for the backlash. I support sibling in being their own person (within reason obviously, I'm not taking then out to get tattoos, just being a normal human being) and my mother doesn't like that so every now and then I hear through the grapevine that I only did such and such to spite her when I hadnt even given it a second thought. It's really hard actually, I want to help my sibling as much as possible because I never had support but feel like I can't move.
Thank you for your replies. You really are such lovely people

INicked I'm so sorry, that sounds horrific. You're in the right place. There definitely are people here who understand and I hope you find talking and reading helpful.

[PeppermintCrayon]

INicked my heart went out to you reading that. I'm so sorry. (I believe as his child you have the right to contest the will and make a claim but I absolutely get that it's not about money.)

You aren't stupid. Sometimes we feel stupid and shit because the emotions go inwards instead of truly being directed where they belong.

Personally I found it horrendously painful acknowledging that my dad has pretty much never been nice to me (major understatement) but getting through that initial pain meant I could start to grieve and process it properly. The part of me that knew the truth had always been there and now wasn't being suppressed.

You are in a grieving process (not because he died but because of all the hurt you have experienced) - it won't always feel like this.

Loveheart I would like to strongly caution against trying to explain it in a conversation (she won't hear what you're saying) or trying to otherwise announce it. All that's really doing is continuing the relationship.

The way to truly go NC is simply to do just that: no contact. Change your phone numbers if need be. Blocking her on Facebook will give YOU some peace. You could announce it but a conversation gives her another chance to suck you back in.

I wrote my mother an rmsui saying