How can I stop letting DH make all the decisions and stick up for myself?

[Tealrhino]

DH seems to think that he is my boss. He makes all the decisions in our house, takes no notice of my wishes, and to be honest I don't really dare to express myself and to stand up to him very much. Probably due to EA in my childhood from parents and also in adult life from my first husband.

I am not sure if my DH is EA towards me, however whether or not he is I feel like I need to make my wants and needs known a bit more, and develop a thicker skin when he inevitably gets pissed off when I won't do as he says or wants.

To give an example, last night he decided to watch a film on the TV downstairs, which is a film that we have both seen before and that I don't like. I got no say in whether I wanted to watch this film too. So I went upstairs with the laptop and kindle and watched tv in bed. After about an hour he came upstairs and had decided that he didn't want to watch the film and basically said "I'm going to bed now" and just turned the TV off and the light, and then was put out when I said I wasn't tired and that I was going to go downstairs.

Last year we went on holiday and stayed the night before our flight in a hotel at the airport. We didn't have to get up super-early the following day, but DH decided that we all had to go to bed early, and then insisted that we all lay in silence in the hotel room in the dark, and kept shouting at me when I tried to look at my phone or have a whispered conversation with DD. I wanted to take my phone and book and go and sit in the hotel bar and have a read as it was so early and I simply wasn't tired, but I didn't dare.

He has recently decided to cancel SKY tv, with no thought to whether or not I'd still like to have it. He's decided we're not having a holiday this year because he wants an extension, again with no consideration for me and with me not allowed a say. If he wants to do something I am expected to comply and be quick whilst if I want to do something or go somewhere he faffs around and takes ages. Even if we are in a shopping centre and I want to go in a different shop to him he seems annoyed.

How can I stop being such a sap and start to stand up for myself and become more assertive? I find it hard to deal with him disapproving of what I do, as because of my childhood I feel like I always need other peoples' approval. How can I get over that, too?

Thanks in advance.

[Phineyj]

Does he have any redeeming features? There are no positives in your post, which makes me wonder why you stay. I don't think there is a n easy way back from being in a marriage where you are basically treated like a child. Is there a big age gap?

[FenellaFellorick]

I would suggest you start with having some counselling.

It would be easy to say well, just tell him. Say no. Challenge him. Or something like that. But clearly if you could be assertive in your relationship you would be and probably you need to work through the things in your past that are making it difficult for you and to understand why you are repeating patterns and seeking out a certain type of man. What we learn in childhood can be an absolute bugger to train ourselves out of.

Only when you unravel all of that, and deal with it, can you do what you need to do re your husband.

[Tealrhino]

Phineyj, I'm actually older than him by a couple of years.

Fenella, I've had counselling, quite extensively really, and my self esteem has improved however I just can't get past that need for approval from people. As a teenager I was bullied at high school and not really liked by many people in my year, and my parents gave me hell for it and said it was my fault so I think this is partly why I feel the need for approval and to be liked now. I so wish that I could just say "fuck him" and do as I pleased.

[FenellaFellorick]

I don't know what type of counselling you've had, but perhaps you need a different type. There are lots out there. Have you ever had anything that is more nlp?
If you are well aware of why you are the way you are, what you need is help to understand how to change the way you are in the way you need to in order to be the person you want to be.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I wanted to take my phone and book and go and sit in the hotel bar and have a read as it was so early and I simply wasn't tired, but I didn't dare.

That "I didn't dare" really struck me. What would have happened if you said you were going to the bar for a coffee and a read of your book?

Not sure if he is EA but he sure sounds rude, overbearing, selfish and inconsiderate - and that is at best. it doesn't sound like an adult/adult relationship - more and adult/child and even then a particularly overbearing adult who is going to have a lot of trouble on his hands when his children get older. Tbh I don't even treat my children the way you describe him treating you.

Is he the same with his children? If so, he is going to have very rocky times ahead- and it won't be nice or easy for your children.

Is he the same at work? If so, he is probably a very problematic employee. If not, ask yourself why not? What are his parents like together?

I would secnd Fennella's advice and go see a counsellor yourself to see why you are with him - is there a pattern.

You definitely are the boss of your own life. and despite thinking you are "such a sap" the truth is your posting her and noticing all these incidents means you are not willing to be treated like this- good for you.

[GoatsDoRoam]

To learn tools for standing up for yourself, look for a good assertiveness course, or a self-defense course for women: some of them focus on verbal self-defense ( = assertiveness), not just on martial arts moves, and an all-women environment may be easier for you to ease into assertiveness practice.

To unravel your people-pleasing tendencies, find a good counsellor who you feel at ease with.

Your husband is treating you in such a high-handed manner. It's not your fault for being insufficiently assertive, you know. He chooses to disregard you this way.

[CalleighDoodle]

He sounds controlling. Was your dd also scared to talk?

[familybla]

No words of wisdom OP, but just to say I have a DH exactly like yours.

The "redeeming features" for me (heavy inverted commas) are that I get a sense that i am somehow protected from the awful world by him, that I would be doing it all wrong/be very vulnerable/unliked/unloved if I were on my own and "thank goodness" I have him.

And it's not him who has instilled this sense if being small - it's
my parents. So in that respect it is hard to blame him or call him EA. My parents were the EA ones and I just found someone who would parent and instruct me and negate my owns needs in the way I had grown used to.

[alphabook]

The simple answer is that when he puts on a film you don't want to watch, say "I don't want to watch that film". When he turns off the light say "I'm not ready to go to sleep yet." But it's not as simple as that otherwise you would have done it already. As a previous poster said, it's telling that you say you "wouldn't dare" stand up to him. What do you think would happen if you did?

[Tealrhino]

Thank you so much everyone for the replies.

Fenella, I've had CBT and general counselling, not sure if I've had any NLP though.

Canyouforgiveher, chances are if I'd have gone and sat in the bar he'd have a) sulked and been moody the next day but said that I was in a mood and b) when I went back to the room he'd make a big thing about how I'd woken him up and disturbed him.

GoatsDoRoam, I will have a look for a womens' self defence class, that sounds a good idea.

Calleigh, no DD wasn't scared to talk. He lets the kids get away with all sorts, it's just me that can't.

familybla, I can totally identify with the things that you say, it sounds very similar to how I feel.

One other thing I have thought of that he does is every evening in the living room insists on just having one very dim lamp on, knowing full well that dim light gives me headaches and also that I can't read a book or anything whilst the dim light is on. Yet if I even put on one of the big overhead lights for a minute or two he starts saying "turn the light off" really impatiently. And I don't dare to say "Well actually I'd like the light on to read".

I guess I need to just make a stand and start standing up to him out of principle but I just can't bear the disapproval.

[Topseyt]

He certainly sounds extremely dictatorial and full of his own self importance.

There would be nothing like someone trying to dictate to me in any such a manner to make me deliberately do the opposite to what was required, but then I can be a bit belligerent.

The incidents over what to watch on TV show little respect for anyone other than himself.

What happens when you do stand up to him?

If you are in a shopping centre do you really have to stick together? My husband and I both prefer to do our own thing and meet up an hour or two later. We are both lone shoppers. If we attempt to stay together then we just irritate the hell out of each other.
in totally different ways and MH

[Tealrhino]

alphabook, telling him no or disagreeing with him would mean that he would be moody and sulky and would then accuse me of being the one in a bad mood.

[Tealrhino]

Topseyt, I feel like I need to develop some belligerence!

[Akire]

Next time he says we watching this film, could you say well you picked last time can we do x instead? If he says no asks him why. If he actualy says things like because I get to pick all of the time etc. It might actualy help you to see things in a different light. At the moment what he says goes without him giving a (stupid) explanation. If he really does believe everything you might choose to do/watch/go is rubbish then he dosnt think much of you does he.

He sounds control freak surely if your in bed turned away with your phone or kindke on its not going to disturb him at all if he's got his eyes closed. Are you working? Do you contribute the same to the household if you do that makes all his finacial decisions even worse. Pick a small battle at first get him to explain why you have no say, or when you will have a say. If he's never going change it wount matter how assertive or strong you are if he's not going back down in any way.

[Cherryapple1]

He doesn't actually sound very nice!

Why exactly are you with him?

I don't think you need to improve your assertiveness. I am sure with others you are different. But you think it is ok for him to treat you like dirt. Do you think you have swapped one abusive relationship for another, emotionally abusive one?

[Tealrhino]

Akire, if I made a fuss and said I didn't want to watch the film he would probably make out that we could watch what I wanted but then refuse to watch anything that I said I wanted to watch, if that makes sense. So we would inadvertently end up watching something of his choosing in the end.

Cherry, yes I sometimes do feel that way, that I am in another abusive relationship.

[Joysmum]

I guess I need to just make a stand and start standing up to him out of principle but I just can't bear the disapproval

That's because you're still putting your wants below his.

Personally if I want something enough I have a devil may care attitude to the response it generates.

[AnyFucker]

Your husband is abusive

did you realise that ?

Your daughter will grow up and choose a partner just like him...what do you think about that ?

Your parents trained you to be a 2nd class citizen, he is ramming home the lesson and your daughter is watching and learning every day

[NewLeaflet]

that he would be moody and sulky and would then accuse me of being the one in a bad mood.

I can see that you are blaming yourself for not standing up to him, but he isn't making it easy is he?

I found myself in a similar situation, e.g. me asking if he minded if I read for a bit at night etc, whereas he would walk in and just turn the light on after I'd gone to bed. The only solution I came up with was to leave, as the dynamic was so dysfunctional I couldn't imagine ever managing to change it.

It is an easy situation to get in to if you are basically a people pleaser.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Is it possible to talk to him about this at all? or would that result in more bad moods? What was he like when you were going out?

honestly if you can't talk to your husband about turning a lamp on for fear of moodiness, you might as well become house mother to a boarding school of hormonal teenagers because you will be living with the same stress levels.

Could you push for what you want and the next day not notice his moods- give him a kiss when he is moody and say "I'm in a great mood today and you look great" just don't play the game of "I'm moody, you ask me what is wrong and I tell you it is you who is moody" god that is weary stuff though - like dealing with a toddler.

The thing is, the scary world is still there whether you have a dominant guy pretending to shield you from it or not. the only shield I have found in my life is having parents, husband and friends who are stand next to me through the hard stuff - and occasionally behind me giving me a push forward.

I suspect if your parents never gave you that feeling of solidarity, but instead gave a feeling that you must relinquish control to be protected, it would be very easy to end up in this relationship - but it doesn't mean you have to be like this forever.

[Akire]

Serously if he can't bear to watch a rubbish show for half n hour because it makes you happy even if bores him to tears it's a very bad sign. That's what lovely partners do it's called give and take. Sorry you having to face this but hopefully when you see it written down it will help you to realise how very much "not normal" this kind of behaviour is. And that's a good start :)

[AlternativeTentacles]

I am afraid that you are in an abusive relationship.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

[SharonCurley]

Same situation here too.Am a people pleaser too and very determined that my own children do not end up this way.Situation is just getting worse.He seems to live in his own world and thinks about his own wants and needs all the time.He is cross all the time.Luckily he works away during the week so I don't have to put up with it all the time.At the weekends we have started to take the children out separately.I have started standing up to him.he actually spends more time with the children now whereas beforehand it would have been all me.I feel very glad that I am working as if I wasn't he would be more controlling.He is very difficult to be around at times but it doesn't affect me as much as it used to because I now put mine and the children's needs first.Funny you should say that about the extension.Same here too.

[Tealrhino]

Thank you again so much everyone; the replies are all very helpful.

At first he was respectful to my needs and seemed decent but over the years this selfish behaviour from him has just crept up on me. I should have stood up to him more and not let him have his own way all the time. It has got to the stage now where everything he wants trumps anything that I want, even down to things like what laundry detergent I buy or any bits and pieces I buy for the house.

Sharon, our DH's sound very similar don't they! How did you get him to do more with the DCs?

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

But, Tealrhino, you could explain it away (badly) as someone who has been enabled for years and allowed to get used to always getting his own way, except - does he do the laundry? I would guess not, so why on earth does he get to decide which detergent you buy? What would be the point in him insisting on being the one to decide that? He's a controlling, abusive bastard, and that's one small example that demonstrates it.