How can I stop letting DH make all the decisions and stick up for myself?

[Tealrhino]

DH seems to think that he is my boss. He makes all the decisions in our house, takes no notice of my wishes, and to be honest I don't really dare to express myself and to stand up to him very much. Probably due to EA in my childhood from parents and also in adult life from my first husband.

I am not sure if my DH is EA towards me, however whether or not he is I feel like I need to make my wants and needs known a bit more, and develop a thicker skin when he inevitably gets pissed off when I won't do as he says or wants.

To give an example, last night he decided to watch a film on the TV downstairs, which is a film that we have both seen before and that I don't like. I got no say in whether I wanted to watch this film too. So I went upstairs with the laptop and kindle and watched tv in bed. After about an hour he came upstairs and had decided that he didn't want to watch the film and basically said "I'm going to bed now" and just turned the TV off and the light, and then was put out when I said I wasn't tired and that I was going to go downstairs.

Last year we went on holiday and stayed the night before our flight in a hotel at the airport. We didn't have to get up super-early the following day, but DH decided that we all had to go to bed early, and then insisted that we all lay in silence in the hotel room in the dark, and kept shouting at me when I tried to look at my phone or have a whispered conversation with DD. I wanted to take my phone and book and go and sit in the hotel bar and have a read as it was so early and I simply wasn't tired, but I didn't dare.

He has recently decided to cancel SKY tv, with no thought to whether or not I'd still like to have it. He's decided we're not having a holiday this year because he wants an extension, again with no consideration for me and with me not allowed a say. If he wants to do something I am expected to comply and be quick whilst if I want to do something or go somewhere he faffs around and takes ages. Even if we are in a shopping centre and I want to go in a different shop to him he seems annoyed.

How can I stop being such a sap and start to stand up for myself and become more assertive? I find it hard to deal with him disapproving of what I do, as because of my childhood I feel like I always need other peoples' approval. How can I get over that, too?

Thanks in advance.

[DustyMaiden]

He sounds exactly the same as my DH. I started doing exactly what he did I.e. Walk in the room and change the TV channel, make food for myself and not him. He screams at me and then I ask why he can do it and not me. I never get an answer.

He despises me now.

[Canyouforgiveher]

if you are at the stage where he dictates laundry detergent (presumably just because he can bully you because who the fuck actually cares about laundry detergent), I think honestly you are in an abusive relationship and you need to think seriously about getting out.

hate to ask this but what is your sex life like? is he as controlling/selfish in that too?

[SharonCurley]

He is doing more with the Dcs because he doesn't have a choice anymore.He sees that I'm not putting up with it anymore and that I'm not willing to do it all.There is no relationship there anymore and I think he is so self involved that he doesn't even realise that.Again he would try to make decisions about the weekly shop ...I pay for it...he is not there...he doesn't get a say.He comes home at the end of the week and the complaining begins straight away.I used to get upset.Now I switch off.Talked about a holiday but unless it's a five star resort he's really not that interested.I work and take care of the kids all week and most of the weekend and I'm happy to be with them.It makes me sad that he does not see their needs though

[zipzap]

What would happen if you said to him 'hang on a second, I thought we were in an equal partnership where we both loved each other... I didn't realise that you expected to become a 1950's head of the household and expect me to bow to your every whim?'

What happens if you call him on his sulks in advance so say you went down to the hotel bar next time and said you knew you were going to pay because he would be all sulky and moody the next day but quite frankly lying in bed in silence at silly o'clock at his dictat is just as bad. Would he then be not moody to prove you wrong or twice as moody because he would be angry about you pointing this out?

And re the lighting in the lounge - what happens if you were to say that he has had the light on dim forever for the last few nights so tonight it is your turn to have it on normally so that you get to read without a headache. Tomorrow he can have it on dim again and that it's fair where you have a difference of opinion that you alternate between preferences, not stick exclusively to one or the other.

Sorry lots of questions! Maybe try figuring out one little thing that you can start with and work from there, rather than trying to be massively brave and try everything and end up with a really grumpy husband. If it's taken years to get to this point then it's not going to be unpicked overnight unfortunately...

[Isetan]

He prioritises his wants over yours to your detriment. Manipulates you by sulking if he doesn't get his own way, which has conditioned you into letting him. Yep, you're in another abusive relationship. He hooked you with the 'nice' knowing full well that because of your past relationships and present demeanour, you'd take the 'nasty'.

You don't want to call it abusive because to be in one abusive relationship is unfortunate, to be in two .... AF is right, the children will see his dominance of you, just because you're not on the receiving end of someone's shit doesn't make it easier to witness it, especially if the victim is someone you love.

He treats you like crap because he's selfish and mean and because you take it. You're not responsible for his selfish and meanness but you are responsible for taking it.

If you were more assertive you'd maybe reduce the opportunities for him to be selfish, mean and controlling but he'd still be selfish, mean and controlling and If you were more assertive, you'd probably have left this poor excuse for a man because you would've realised that you deserved beter.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Hi OP. First off, your husband is a cunt, a cunt sorely in need of a kick in the bollocks.

I notice that no one has mentioned the word "sadist". It was the thing with the dim light. He knows perfectly well it causes you physical discomfort, and he continues to do it. Looks really miniscule and silly, but it's the best indicator you've given of a cruel bully.

He lets the children get away with all sorts right now, because they're being taught to despise you as well.

Love means putting the other person's wellbeing before your own. You are not loved by this man, you will never be loved by him and his departure would increase your happiness by 1000%.

I'm going to a make a guess: he's always well turned out, looking healthy and cheerful outside the home, sociable and gregarious. That's YOUR emotions he's running on. Vampires exist, but they can't feed without consent. Withdraw it.

[comedancing]

Have recommended this book here before..Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She gives very helpful things to say like..Hey who made you king of the Universe? keeping a light tone and doing what you want. She teaches how to completely ignore his old sulky moods and go on. Another great one was..Where is it written that you get to decide. My dh has a type A personality always making decisions..l was brought up by a very bossy mom so was a sitting target for him sweeping over my suggestions eg we would discuss which restaurant to go to.. He would say one l would say one and he would just drive to the one he said as if l hadn't spoken. He was a very strong decision maker being his own boss in work..l was a people pleaser more worried about keeping everyone happy. At first l wasn't really aware of the dynamic but then l became very resentful..that book helped me enormously. There is a big fuss as you try to turn this around and you have to learn to go.. Who cares when the mood comes on...l realised a lot was me not standing up for myself. It was a shock to my dh when l took a stand... But now l have equal say..You need to find your voice..that is if you can be bothered with this guy.

[goofygoober]

So sorry OP, and also Sharon, I read own stories in both your posts.

[Horsemad]

Do you have equal say in the finances OP?

[ilovelamp82]

He is abusive. In the short term, I would suggest standing up for yourself as long as you know you'll be safe. Going in moods and sulking is the manipulation tactic of a child. But it seems to be working because as yet it is making you tow the line.

This is no way to live and no way for your dd to learn how to be treated.

Unfortunately (unsurprisingly, given your background), you seem to have found yourself in an abusive relationship. If I were you, I would work on getting out of it and getting some counselling. It would be worth spending some time without a man to find yourself again and decide what you want without having to factor anyone but your daughter in your decisions.

You only have one life. Don't spend it living the life that someone else has designed for you. What a waste that would be for both you and your dd.

[thecatfromjapan]

I think you need counselling to get you to the point where you truly believe you are a real person who deserves respect and to live her life fully. I doubt you have anyone in your life who can help you get there at the moment, which is why you need to pay someone from outside your circle to help you get there.
I'll bet you've had years of training to get you to discredit your own feelings, to discount your emotional responses, to set aside your own readings of situations. In your family, that would have made you biddable and easy to control. Likewise as a woman.
Your husband is an abusive man. NOTHING you do will change that.
This is the awful reality.
I think it will take some help and support coming to terms with the implications of that for you - and your children.
I know you say you've Hadith of counselling but I think finding counselling that is directed simply to giving you the strength to leave would be a very positive experience.

Sorry. I'm going through this myself. Realising that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change my husband's behaviour has been such a shock. A liberating shock, but still a shock.

I don't think I realised how much time and energy I spent trying to change him. You aren't going to change him by being more assertive - I'd be willing to lay money on it (though it would be great to be proved wrong). He is what he is. Sadly, your options really do come down to living a life made horrible by someone who feeds off that OR leaving. It shouldn't be like that, but it is.

Someone on mn wrote something very accurate in a post a while ago : there are some people (often men) who really, really aren't psychologically suited to intimate social set-ups like families; in fact, are positively dangerous for those they have managed to get close to - yet they seek them out. I suspect your dh is one of these. Which is bad luck.
Anyway, I wish you much luck, and strength.

[Tealrhino]

I have just ordered the Emotional Blackmail book, but I agree I do need more counselling really. I'll contact the counsellor I used to go to and try to make a new appointment.

[SharonCurley]

Tealrhino I will be doing the same.every few weeks I convince myself that things are fine and maybe it's me but deep down I know things are anything but ok.I'm keeping track of the moods and incidences he had been control to remind myself that I am not being unreasonable.He accuses me all the time of starting arguments and asks me am I having my period.He doesn't seem to have many emotions other than anger.i'm very happy during the week but the weekend leaves me feeling down and drained.I wish you the very best of luck teal rhino and I hope you will keep us updated as will I

[33goingon64]

It's hard to suddenly change how you are with him. You have to explore the background of how you feel to be able to overcome it (I did this through psychodynamic counselling).

I had a much milder version of this when I felt DH was expecting me to be someone I'm not because I'd not been honest about my preferences upfront in our relationship. It was up to me to become more assertive and honest about what I wanted and this has made me happier because I feel I'm now being true to myself - DH could lump it if he didn't like it.

It was a risk but it paid off as DH now sees I am happier and he has more respect for me I think. Not sure he really gets what was wrong but that doesn't seem to have mattered.

[ASorcererIsAWizardSquared]

my dh is like this, i left him, then we got back together.

While we were seperated i grew a backbone and started to assert myself a little more. Then last year my dh got made redundant, then my dad died. I've basically had to support my whole family, and my backbone grew stronger.

The issue here, is if you fear the fallout. Whats he going to do if you say no? Or just do what you want to do?
Shout? ignore it, they're just shouting at thin air and it blows out.
Sulk? Let them get on with it and carry on like they dont exist.
Be a grump? Tell him to shut up or cheer up.
Hit you? Well.. if thats what you're scared of, i suggest you walk away, now.

I have go to the point that he doesn't scare me, i dont allow him that control over me. Sure, there's some days i cant be bothered with an argument and let him do what he wants, but i dont really like watching telly, i'm quite happy here on my computer, or reading a book. If i want to watch something, i record it and watch it later. If i wanted to watch it, i would just put it on before he settled down and he has to wait till im done.

DH doesn't like it much, but basically, i'm slowly taking control. I do what i want, when i want. I control the finances now (he's clueless). I have the final say on big purchases because he cant afford anything and has to ask me for the money (my inheritance money, he's not allowed to touch it).

I ask his opinion plenty, we discuss it, but usually just do what i want to do any way.

The biggest point i made to him is that he grew up in a very matriarchal, traditional family where his mum ruled the house. His dad went to work, had his food put on the table, and then shut up. I operate the same as his mum. his dad would NEVER have bullied his mother, she'd have smacked him with her rolling pin. I might not be up for that, but i'm very traditional housewife material. This house is MY domain, i make the rules, everyone else abides by them!