hypothetically, if a new PD did this...?

[rosdearg]

ok maybe not DP as you don't live together. But spend every weekend together.

He goes on your PC at home a lot, you ask him not to illegally download. He understands and agrees.

then you realise your PC is running an illegal filesharing programme and downloading something he needs (for work).

You ask him about it. He says "I couldn't ask you becuase I needed it and I knew you would say no, so I had to do it."

What do you think?

[nozzz]

Could someone give an example of an illegal filesharing program? Not sure what that related to...

[Lweji]

The correct term should be illegal sharing of files, as the programmes that allow file sharing are not illegal per se (just googled).
Files are copyrighted material, such as music, films and series, computer programmes.

[tipsytrifle]

Online places where you download music or games for free when it should be paid for; file sharing is just that. Like pirating. Except many are malicious and carry quite the hidden payload to infect, hack or otherwise contaminate a pc. I won't name any names but it must be google-able.

[nozzz]

Right so to get this right in my own head, the files being downloaded for his work are not necessarily illegal.

But the program being used to download the files is?

[tipsytrifle]

then you realise your PC is running an illegal filesharing programme and downloading something he needs (for work).

OP didn't name the site being accessed for the files or define the illegality. It is possible for a site online to be illegal by way of content. It is possible for files to be illegal by way of their content. I don't know if programmes themselves are illegal unless they are used to pirate copies of music, films or whatever.

So unless rosdearg cares to clarify the fine detail of this situation is a tad hazy. What IS clear is that DP was verbally denied permission to illegally download and he did it anyway.

[tipsytrifle]

There have been prosecutions of site-owners who offer copies of series, films. Once caught, the penalties can be quite harsh. Don't think anything beyond the PC is required to download anything though.

[Lweji]

The files are not illegal in the sense that they would not be, say, child abuse files.
The file sharing programme in itself is not illegal either, as you could use it to share copyright free files, or your own work, but in practice they are used for people to place and download files that are copyrighted without paying for them.
It is the act of downloading those files that is illegal because the person hasn't paid to have them.
The file sharing programme may be taken to court for not ensuring that the sharing done through their files is legal.

So, this man is making the OP vulnerable to legal action through his actions, as she may not be able to show that she wasn't the one downloading the files.

[SnookyPooky]

Is this the dude that's leaving and taking the kids?

[tipsytrifle]

don't think so Snooky

[wannabestressfree]

It's the same person.

[tipsytrifle]

omg, so sorry ... i didn't realise .. thanks wannabe

[NightTimeCometh]

Why is he spending time on your computer when he's with you - what fun is that for you?

[JapaneseMargaret]

I'm surprised you even have to ask.

There's clearly some sort of massive back story. But anyone who has to ask this question, and whose automatic reaction isn't simply, 'fuck off, loser', must have some boundary/self-esteem issues.

Regardless, you can categorically do better than a man like this.

[rosdearg]

Sorry this wasn't clear. A pointlessly maudlin thread. This is the same man as the other thread but 10 years ago. I didn't have a clue, did I. How to teach daughters boundaries? (Trying to give this thread value other than pointless self-recrimination)

[tipsytrifle]

I really don't understand ...you didn't have a clue about what? What have your daughter's boundaries got to do with it and what man are you talking about? You're right that self-recrimination is a sour and futile meal, especially if there's nothing to be done now.

[BertieBotts]

I would say WTAF and go spare. In an ideal world. In real life I'd probably end up letting it go because it's actually really hard to override that script which tells you it's no big deal and you should let it go, it wasn't bad enough to really end things over.

Having said that (I haven't read your other thread and have no idea what the reference is about) - people who respect "small" boundaries have no intention of crossing big/important boundaries. Likewise somebody crossing a perfectly clear, even if they feel insignificant or excusable boundary is likely to totally disregard other much bigger ones when it suits them, too.

[Squeegle]

I know where you're coming from OP. You look back and think you should have seen it coming. But you weren't as savvy as you are now! Don't blame yourself.

You can teach your daughter this very lesson: people who respect small boundaries also respect big ones and vice versa! And those who don't respect us - we don't need them.

Stay strong.

[rosdearg]

trifle, what don't you understand? do you not understand the real life story, or do you not understand why I was such a divvy or how anyone could be such a divvy?

In case the former:

In 2004 I met a man, we fell in love, he did some dickish things wrt my boundaries
In 2009 I had a baby
In 2011 we had another baby
In 2014 we are breaking up and I am wondering what would have happened if I had asked MN questions in 2004
In 2014 I am making pathetic attempts to justify the too-late 2014 questions by saying I am wondering why my protection of my boundaries was so pathetic and how I can bring my daughters up better

If your actual question is "wtf, you let him in house again, WHY?" to that I have no answer, well some half formed answers, and all that sort of thing is what I am thinking of in terms of educating my daughters

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

You teach your daughters boundaries by enforcing your own boundaries. Anything else will be empty talk that they won't learn anything from.

[lemisscared]

Sorry but im abit confused. You have another thread about your dp threatening to take your children.are you alright?

[dunfightin]

OP you can't undo the decisions you made then and the reasons for them, so there is no point beating yourself up about them. What you can do is work out what your boundaries are now and how you'd defend them and why. If you start having good boundaries from today and your DCs see you setting them in respect of others and seeing them through then they will learn good boundaries themselves. As they grow, they will test your boundaries - it's only natural for teens - so between now and then start knocking the fence posts firmly in and ensuring the fences are straight. It's all you can do.

[BertieBotts]

That's not pathetic, it is brave and important. You are doing a brilliant thing by breaking the cycle.

That said. Your DDs are tiny. Really. Five and three is not an urgent age to worry about this. Focus on the break up for now, get settled, then is the time to analyse this stuff, do one thing at a time.

You're asking the right questions and looking at the right things, but I think it can wait.

[nozzz]

No idea what this thread is about now, backing out.

[Tobyjugg]

If I follow this (& I'm not sure I do), since you're breaking up in 2014 then I would say whatever you did or did not do in 2004, chances are your should have done the opposite. Which means, I think, that you should have booted him out when he fucked with your PC. He overstepped a small boundary and later showed damn all respect for the bigger ones.

[Lweji]

I agree with others. Concentrate in getting rid of him now, then reflect on what you could have done to spot he was a bad one so that it helps you avoid another one in future (still not 100% guarantee that you will, as nobody can). Consider doing the Freedom Programme if you haven't yet.