Basically, since I met DH, we've always just thrown all the money into the pot, paid the bills from whichever account, and we've never had much left over to even really think about. To start with, I was working (full school hours), and we had tax credits and CHB for my two children. No maintenance (from prick XP) for ages. Then after I had DC3 with DH, I had a chronic illness develop so since then I've been financially reliant on him - I was working very pt from home, but money from that was negligible (but I still spent it all on food/stuff for the kids or the house). And we still had CTC & CHB. I couldn't claim ESA/IB/IS because DH's wages were too high, but we always had the approach that, being a couple, we just threw everything at the house, and didn't think about him having 'his' money, or me having 'mine. We always said that we didn't understand couples who did this, as it implied to us that they were always thinking about themselves as being separate people, and therefore always had a tiny piece of doubt that they would be staying in the relationship forever.
Roll on to this year, and finally, thankfully, I seem to have made a vast improvement health wise since the end of August. In early Sep, our financial situation changed so that we were going to be down by £500 odd a month. So, although I have huge doubts as to whether I'm actually physically up to having a job, I've gone and got myself a FT office job. I've told Social Services this, and am expecting a reassessment of my direct Payments, and am expecting them to say that I will need to pay for my 10 hours of care a week. Completely fair.
I've budgeted for paying CSA and CHB for my two older children, and so am going through carefully the budget, allowing for a second car, child care for when DH has to work away from home etc.
So, DH says that he wants me to pay for half the bills. While this seems fair, he earns twice what I do, so he'll be left with ten times more than I will at the end of the month. Apart from anything else, I'm really sad that he wants 'his' share and 'my' share - I had seen it all as one big smelting pot from which we both just shared at the end. I have absolutely no problem with paying a fair share towards the bills, I just feel it should be proportionate - 2/3 to 1/3. But it's also thrown up issues like - what do we do about apportioning childcare when it's for him going away that we'll need it? (He works from home, so will be doing all the school runs.)
I just feel a bit sad that he obviously doesn't think that I've contributed either financially or 'in kind' over the last 7 years. And I do actually feel that he now has the attitude that our relationship isn't going to last forever. He says he just wants me to pay some money to him 'to take the pressure off his bank account', but it's my account that's in the minuses at the moment while we bridge the gap between losing the money and me earning some. I was the one who got the loan to help us get 2 new cars (our old one got condemned at it's MOT), and I'm also upset that we're having 'separate' cars, where he pays for his travel and I pay for mine (even though his travel is more expensive than mine). It's not about the amounts of money, it's about the psychology behind it.
Please someone tell me I'm not being the shit one about this, but I just don't know. I know his family probably think I've just been sponging off him all these years, but they obviously don't see what contributions I've made (although they've been state-paid ones, and my meagre earnings, iyswim.)
WDID?
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AIBU or IHBU about how to 'contribute financially'?
Butterflyface · 31/10/2014 09:45
It sounds like you two are making some progress towards a solution... at least he's talking about it a bit more.
I would say that I don't think you should put your salary directly into a joint account, rather you should keep it in your own account and transfer an agreed amount across. In the OP you said you were concerned that his comments were an indication that he didn't think the relationship is forever, so just in case there is the tiniest chance that it's really the case you should keep some financial independence to protect yourself.
Good luck with the PIP and your new job 
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