Basically, since I met DH, we've always just thrown all the money into the pot, paid the bills from whichever account, and we've never had much left over to even really think about. To start with, I was working (full school hours), and we had tax credits and CHB for my two children. No maintenance (from prick XP) for ages. Then after I had DC3 with DH, I had a chronic illness develop so since then I've been financially reliant on him - I was working very pt from home, but money from that was negligible (but I still spent it all on food/stuff for the kids or the house). And we still had CTC & CHB. I couldn't claim ESA/IB/IS because DH's wages were too high, but we always had the approach that, being a couple, we just threw everything at the house, and didn't think about him having 'his' money, or me having 'mine. We always said that we didn't understand couples who did this, as it implied to us that they were always thinking about themselves as being separate people, and therefore always had a tiny piece of doubt that they would be staying in the relationship forever.
Roll on to this year, and finally, thankfully, I seem to have made a vast improvement health wise since the end of August. In early Sep, our financial situation changed so that we were going to be down by £500 odd a month. So, although I have huge doubts as to whether I'm actually physically up to having a job, I've gone and got myself a FT office job. I've told Social Services this, and am expecting a reassessment of my direct Payments, and am expecting them to say that I will need to pay for my 10 hours of care a week. Completely fair.
I've budgeted for paying CSA and CHB for my two older children, and so am going through carefully the budget, allowing for a second car, child care for when DH has to work away from home etc.
So, DH says that he wants me to pay for half the bills. While this seems fair, he earns twice what I do, so he'll be left with ten times more than I will at the end of the month. Apart from anything else, I'm really sad that he wants 'his' share and 'my' share - I had seen it all as one big smelting pot from which we both just shared at the end. I have absolutely no problem with paying a fair share towards the bills, I just feel it should be proportionate - 2/3 to 1/3. But it's also thrown up issues like - what do we do about apportioning childcare when it's for him going away that we'll need it? (He works from home, so will be doing all the school runs.)
I just feel a bit sad that he obviously doesn't think that I've contributed either financially or 'in kind' over the last 7 years. And I do actually feel that he now has the attitude that our relationship isn't going to last forever. He says he just wants me to pay some money to him 'to take the pressure off his bank account', but it's my account that's in the minuses at the moment while we bridge the gap between losing the money and me earning some. I was the one who got the loan to help us get 2 new cars (our old one got condemned at it's MOT), and I'm also upset that we're having 'separate' cars, where he pays for his travel and I pay for mine (even though his travel is more expensive than mine). It's not about the amounts of money, it's about the psychology behind it.
Please someone tell me I'm not being the shit one about this, but I just don't know. I know his family probably think I've just been sponging off him all these years, but they obviously don't see what contributions I've made (although they've been state-paid ones, and my meagre earnings, iyswim.)
WDID?
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AIBU or IHBU about how to 'contribute financially'?
Butterflyface · 31/10/2014 09:45
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I think it's all one big fat mess tbh 
So, I think you should say to him that you are not sure if you misunderstood what he was saying or not, but that you need to understand his actual pov because you are very hurt by what you perceive his pov to be and can't believe he would actually feel that way, not after all of these years together.
Then ask him directly if he sees all the money coming in as joint or as his and yours. Don't beat about the bush, just speak clearly and directly. Don't be fobbed off by jokes or being told you are being silly (frankly I'd have lost my temper over that remark alone!) and don't allow him to paper over this crack because you are scared of his answer.
Viv, he already knows I posted, that you all think he's being a bit of a knob, and that's what prompted the 'you've blown it out of proportion' comment - which I may well have done, but DH is so laid back about everything usually that he lives horizontally. So the fact that he even said this in this way suggests to me that there is something serious about his comments. He has been supporting me since 2009, when I left to go on mat leave, and because he's always earnt far more than whatever I've contributed in wages/mat. pay/CTC/CHB, and because we lost so much money over shithead xp, I think he (quite rightfully about the XP thing) feels very sore about it.
I'm sure it will just be a case of setting up a joint account and getting my wages put in there, so that he knows my money is going into the 'pot', but until we actually sit down and talk about it, or just do it, I think we'll both be wondering what's going to happen. He's next door in the other room working now, but if I get the opportunity I'll try to talk to him. He just thinks it's a bit irrelevant until the money's coming in, but I'm sitting here budgeting the next six months so that I know exactly how bad my account's going to get before it gets better. Of course it will be fine if I get PIP, but I'm just a bit skeptical still that I'll get it - I was turned down for DLA twice, so I'm a bit jaded.
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