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What to do about person who cries to me about my illness?

33 replies

Esmeeel · 28/08/2014 12:18

What do I do? I have just been diagnosed and mil is the one crying on the phone saying she is so worried about me etc etc I don't know how to deal with her. I find her so irritating, I iust passed the phone to dh and make an excuse but she phones up again.

Am I being a bitch? No one else who knows about it has been like this and it is incredibly annoying and I worry others may do the same when more find out in the future.

What should I do? I just want to be rude to her, or laugh about it and myself, or ignore her but I know that would be inappropriate.

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Esmeeel · 13/10/2014 09:52

Hello, op again, needing some more advice and a vent.

I shared that circles of care concept with dh and asked him to have a word with her and she has backed off with the inappropriate crying phone calls.

But how often do you think it is reasonable to expect to see inlaws when your own family is experiencing an added stress such as illness (which has also put us into financial stress as well)?

We used to see her maybe once a month or so. Since my health issues I haven't seen her for the last 6 weeks, is this really an excessively long break?

In that time I've had one surgery so have been in hospital and the dc have been sick 2 times leading to cancellations of visits with her. Dh took dc to see her for a short visit during this time.

I took about 2 weeks to recover from surgery but am completely drained of energy and need to conserve my energy to do the essentials of parenting and housework.

She seems to have it in her head that we are avoiding her. And I don't know what to do about it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 09:58

Six weeks isn't excessively long. When someone's sick or having problems a normal person would make allowances, be satisfied with a phone call or something similar. Whatever she has in her head is entirely her own look-out. You can't be responsible for her thoughts and only she can decide how to behave.

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Meerka · 13/10/2014 10:17

good grief no it's not long. When things like this happen, normal routines go out of the window.

is she inexperienced in dealing at close quarters with people who are ill?

She sounds very high maintenance!

Maybe your husband could explain the situation to her and maybe you could handwrite a nice note to be handed to her by him explaining that everythign has changed, that you are trying to come to terms with it and on the doctor's orders need to conserve your energy and to rest a lot. That you love and respect her and will see her as soon as you can but at the moment it's taking a lot of time to recover.

Not all of it might be true but perhaps it'd help her understand. A handwritten note will hopefully mean something to her. Maybe put a tiny present in too, even a bunch of flowers from the garden. Simple and personal.

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Esmeeel · 13/10/2014 10:21

I think I need to memorise those last 2 sentences cogito thank you.

She wants to see us next weekend but I really don't want to, to be honest I want dh to take the dc for one day next weekend (and every weekend for the foreseeable future) so I can have some time to catch up on housework, phone friends, watch tv, things I can't do in the evenings anymore as I'm so tired I go to bed at 8pm. This would be the perfect time for dh, dc and her to spend time together but she won't be happy as this means she won't be seeing the baby, as the baby will be staying with me (baby is bf and quite clingy).

I have another surgery coming up soon as well so I can see this issue continuing.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 10:24

How about suggesting she comes over to do your housework?

Seriously, you don't have to explain anything or apologise for anything. Present things as a fait accompli rather than thinking you have to couch it in pleasant terms or spare her feelings.

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Esmeeel · 13/10/2014 10:28

meerka cross post. Thank you that is a good idea about doctors orders meaning I need to rest. I will tell dh that the doctor has said I need a lot more rest.

That is a great idea, I am finding it so hard to think of things like that at the moment, so thank you. Dh is pretty hopeless at thinking of solutions like that at the best of times so he is not much help either. The card is a great idea too, he can take it with him when they see her :)

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Meerka · 13/10/2014 10:34

i hope it helps ..... maybe say also that the more rest you get, the better it'll help you for the longer term.

I assume it's not really possible for your husband to take the baby for a couple of hours to her then come back, every 8 weeks or so? making a special effort like that might reassure her that she's still part of things, if it -is- possible. As long as she knows and realises it's a special effort.

good luck, having a baby is draining all on its own never mind a serious illness to boot :/

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FrancisdeSales · 13/10/2014 10:53

OP just do whatever you need to do right now for your own health and sanity. MIL will cope, it's not your job to look after her or manage her emotions. Tell your DH to step up and see his mum on his own.