What to do about person who cries to me about my illness?

[Esmeeel]

What do I do? I have just been diagnosed and mil is the one crying on the phone saying she is so worried about me etc etc I don't know how to deal with her. I find her so irritating, I iust passed the phone to dh and make an excuse but she phones up again.

Am I being a bitch? No one else who knows about it has been like this and it is incredibly annoying and I worry others may do the same when more find out in the future.

What should I do? I just want to be rude to her, or laugh about it and myself, or ignore her but I know that would be inappropriate.

[FrancisdeSales]

OP just do whatever you need to do right now for your own health and sanity. MIL will cope, it's not your job to look after her or manage her emotions. Tell your DH to step up and see his mum on his own.

[Meerka]

i hope it helps ..... maybe say also that the more rest you get, the better it'll help you for the longer term.

I assume it's not really possible for your husband to take the baby for a couple of hours to her then come back, every 8 weeks or so? making a special effort like that might reassure her that she's still part of things, if it -is- possible. As long as she knows and realises it's a special effort.

good luck, having a baby is draining all on its own never mind a serious illness to boot :/

[Esmeeel]

meerka cross post. Thank you that is a good idea about doctors orders meaning I need to rest. I will tell dh that the doctor has said I need a lot more rest.

That is a great idea, I am finding it so hard to think of things like that at the moment, so thank you. Dh is pretty hopeless at thinking of solutions like that at the best of times so he is not much help either. The card is a great idea too, he can take it with him when they see her :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How about suggesting she comes over to do your housework?

Seriously, you don't have to explain anything or apologise for anything. Present things as a fait accompli rather than thinking you have to couch it in pleasant terms or spare her feelings.

[Esmeeel]

I think I need to memorise those last 2 sentences cogito thank you.

She wants to see us next weekend but I really don't want to, to be honest I want dh to take the dc for one day next weekend (and every weekend for the foreseeable future) so I can have some time to catch up on housework, phone friends, watch tv, things I can't do in the evenings anymore as I'm so tired I go to bed at 8pm. This would be the perfect time for dh, dc and her to spend time together but she won't be happy as this means she won't be seeing the baby, as the baby will be staying with me (baby is bf and quite clingy).

I have another surgery coming up soon as well so I can see this issue continuing.

[Meerka]

good grief no it's not long. When things like this happen, normal routines go out of the window.

is she inexperienced in dealing at close quarters with people who are ill?

She sounds very high maintenance!

Maybe your husband could explain the situation to her and maybe you could handwrite a nice note to be handed to her by him explaining that everythign has changed, that you are trying to come to terms with it and on the doctor's orders need to conserve your energy and to rest a lot. That you love and respect her and will see her as soon as you can but at the moment it's taking a lot of time to recover.

Not all of it might be true but perhaps it'd help her understand. A handwritten note will hopefully mean something to her. Maybe put a tiny present in too, even a bunch of flowers from the garden. Simple and personal.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Six weeks isn't excessively long. When someone's sick or having problems a normal person would make allowances, be satisfied with a phone call or something similar. Whatever she has in her head is entirely her own look-out. You can't be responsible for her thoughts and only she can decide how to behave.

[Esmeeel]

Hello, op again, needing some more advice and a vent.

I shared that circles of care concept with dh and asked him to have a word with her and she has backed off with the inappropriate crying phone calls.

But how often do you think it is reasonable to expect to see inlaws when your own family is experiencing an added stress such as illness (which has also put us into financial stress as well)?

We used to see her maybe once a month or so. Since my health issues I haven't seen her for the last 6 weeks, is this really an excessively long break?

In that time I've had one surgery so have been in hospital and the dc have been sick 2 times leading to cancellations of visits with her. Dh took dc to see her for a short visit during this time.

I took about 2 weeks to recover from surgery but am completely drained of energy and need to conserve my energy to do the essentials of parenting and housework.

She seems to have it in her head that we are avoiding her. And I don't know what to do about it.

[elportodelgato]

Hi esmeel, link to a relevant guardian article here:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/02/change-life-what-not-to-say-oliver-burkeman

I don't know anything about your diagnosis but the tamoxigang thread has been my lifeline since my cancer diagnosis last month, do join us if appropriate!

Wrt your mil I would be tempted to avoid her for a while, ignore the phone, delete any emails if they look like they are going to be unhelpful. My SIL sends me awful things telling me to 'try to stay strong' and that she is praying for me - make me want to scream for some reason! I delete & ask DH to tell her to desist

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What does your DH make of his mother generally speaking?. He needs to speak up for you and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptably cloying and not at all helpful. She needs to back off completely.

Her behaviour towards you says an awful lot about her and she has not been above discussing treatments with the pharmacist to boot. This is showing a complete lack of respect as well as boundaries on her part and is attention seeking behaviour; she wants to make your ill health all about her.

What do your children think of their nan?.

[Esmeeel]

attilla the reason I've been organising occasions including her is so the dc can have a relationship with their grandmother.

She does not tend to make situations all about her, it is more that she does lean towards overly emotional in terms of telling us she loves us etc more than most people do. I know she is like this as she cannot offer any practical support at all as she is completely unreliable (something we accept and understand as she has an incredibly controlling marriage) so it's the only way she can demonstrate she cares. For example we never count on her being on time or even attending something and often she can only visit for a very very short time.

Writing that I do feel like a bitch as I know she does probably genuinely care and feels helpless, but I do find the crying incredibly irritating. It is provoking a very strong emotion in me.

[Spaghettio]

I feel for you OP. at my husbands funeral I had a man come and hug me and cry on me. He told me ( through the sobs) that i was so brave and that they loved me very much. He then was led away by a woman (his wife?).

I then asked my MIL who the hell he was. Apparently he was her cousins husband. He spent the entire day wailing in the corner, telling everyone how upset he was and how much they all loved me.

I'd never met him before so he can't have been very close to my husband! I've never seen him since - that was six years ago. Apparently he still gets upset about it. I felt like he was trying to cash in on our grief, and make it all about him.

[VelvetEmbers]

So sorry you are going through this. My DM did exactly the same to me. She made it all about her and how awful it was that HER DD had cancer. It was very draining.

Worse was the fact she told every single person she had ever known. I ended up announcing it on FB as she'd told so many people. TBH I think she enjoyed the drama and attention .

[Lilymaid]

Esmeel have a look at the current Tamoxigang thread in General Health for the Circles of Care diagram (posted by Amberlight earlier this month). Then print out one copy and make into a badge for your MIL to wear! Basic premise is that worries go outwards to other people whilst care and help go inwards to the inner circles of person with diagnosis and immediate family.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Esmeeel,

I was sorry to read about your ill health and I feel that your MIL is trying to highjack your illness for her own ends (to get attention).

re your comment:-
"Dh isn't very helpful, ironically I have been the reason why they see each other at all! I am the one who organises get togethers, Xmas, birthdays etc"

I was wondering why you've actually bothered to do this given your DH's indifference, she is not your mother after all. I would knock all this on the head.

Has she done this type of behaviour with regards to any other family occasions, has she tried making everything all about her or leading back to her before now?.

[ChampagneTastes]

God she sounds like my DM who I now don't tell about anything because I don't have the energy to deal with her being "so worried". It is totally self-involved and I think can only be handled with brutal honesty. You are ill and you don't need extra stress - make your DH tell her she is being actively unhelpful and disengage until she can do something useful.

I'm sorry you're ill; hope you're getting useful support from the rest of your family.

[LondonRocks]

Sorry to hear you're ill.

Perhaps she simply doesn't know how to handle this. Surely it's better than "pull yourself together"? I mean that gently btw.

If she's that annoying, just refuse to engage and just tell her you're finding it hard enough without worrying about her response.

[Esmeeel]

bigfoot thank you! I want to laminate that and stick in on mil's head. That makes it all seem so clear!

[Esmeeel]

elporto thank you that sounds helpful but I couldn't find any information when I googled. Do you have a link to more information?

[BigfootFiles]

Sorry to hear you are ill. Could you or DH send her a copy of this article How not to say the wrong thing and gently explain that the most useful thing she could do is offer support right now, and if she's not emotionally able to handle that, then you'd appreciate a bit of space for the time being.

[Lweji]

Do you think you could actually talk to her about it, or wouldn't she be able to help with practical stuff?

It may have been a shock to her and she may be trying to deal with it and helping (conversation with pharmacist). I wouldn't be angry about that, TBH.

[Esmeeel]

Thanks for the vent. I don't think I should see her in person for awhile. I would lose my temper too quickly if I did. She told me in tears that she had been discussing treatments with her pharmacist how inappropriate is that!

Dh isn't very helpful, ironically I have been the reason why they see each other at all! I am the one who organises get togethers, Xmas, birthdays etc.

quitelikely i don't even have time to have a cry about it, am too busy worrying about my dc and trying to work out what to do with them! Practical help is what I need. Last thing I need is over emotional, time wasting people around [anger]

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm also sorry to hear that you're unwell but rather agree with Quitelikely. Unfortunately, you can't dictate how others are going to react to bad news. When it's your illness & you're dealing with it, it's natural to want to exert some control. Some are going to get it seriously wrong from your perspective (others might like their reaction, of course) and I think you have try to be kind in the first instance and steer them in the right direction. If they persist in being annoying despite being asked to behave in a different way, then you have to be more assertive and tell them they're not helping

Best of luck and hope you get better soon

[CuttedUpPear]

I feel for you OP.
It's rotten when people try to hijack your situation.
When my DP was diagnosed with cancer a friend who hardly knew him at all and had very little time for me, came up to me in floods because of her distress. She wasn't offering any emotional or practical support.

I pretty much cold shouldered her and haven't really had much to do with her since.

Obviously it's harder for you since it's your MIL but I would keep out of her range for a while if you can.
Bloodsuckers.

[elportodelgato]

Hi esmeel, sorry you are ill. I have also had a recent devastating diagnosis and recommend you google 'circle of care' - the person going through the illness is allowed to be as cross, angry, sad etc as she wants. The people closest to her are also allowed to be all those things, just NOT IN HER DIRECTION - they can only complain to other people.

You do the right thing to pass the phone to your DH, this is not your problem. Look after yourself