Recycled present from my mum...

[RubbishMantra]

For my birthday, I got sent a bracelet from my mum. The same one I gave her about three years ago. She has done this before, for example, my sister once received a crystal bowl as an engagement present. The same bowl she he had saved up for months for (as a child) to buy for my mother.

Fair enough if she wants to recycle unwanted gifts, but I can't help feeling hurt and pissed off.

Should I say something to her? It's not even like she says "here, have back this unwanted gift", she doesn't acknowledge that she's recycled it.

[AlleyCat11]

My mate's the same. She doesn't spend it on herself either. She's been wearing the same few clothes for the last 10 years. It's all squirrelled away... I'm careful with money, but I enjoy it. She talks about money / being poor all the time. Doesn't enjoy it though. Looks like there's a type...

[RubbishMantra]

She's rather well off, but hates spending it. For example, when me and DH went up to stay with her last time, we took her shopping. She didn't just want to go to one supermarket, oh no, she wanted us to drive her around them all because she had made a note of all the special offers in each. We'd probably have spent way more on petrol driving her about than she would have saved. I was quite proud of myself for putting my foot down and saying no. We'd driven 7 hours to get there the day before.

When I was a kid, my dad worked abroad for about 6 months. During that time, she was always telling me we were poor, and didn't have enough money to get the bus to town, we'd walk. There was a brand new car in our garage, but she didn't want to learn to drive. My dad lived on expenses, and his entire salary went into their joint bank account, so in reality, we weren't 'poor'. I think she said that to be the martyr, thinking that my dad was living it up abroad.

She doesn't spend money on herself though, its just all squirrelled away in the bank in ISAs and whatever. I don't have kids (am I allowed on mumsnet??) and neither do my sisters, so it's not like they're keeping it to pass onto grandkids. My sisters and I are all financially secure, so I wonder what on earth they're saving it for. They don't even treat themselves to a holiday now and again. They're getting on a bit, so why don't they indulge themselves a bit and enjoy it?

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

Swap the gifts with your sister, and each give the others back to her :)

[AlleyCat11]

Is she short of money, or on a small pension?
Or maybe she is stingy or mean? I've a friend who re-gifts because she's too mean to buy presents. Loves receiving them though! She admitted to buying her family's Christmas presents in a charity shop last year. She got her mum a paperback novel. They bought her a house. Needless to say she's got stacks in the bank. But nobody likes going for dinner with her! She orders the soup...
Actually, just yesterday she rubbed her hands with glee when she remembered that I don't want gifts or money when I get married next year. We were in a gift shop, "happy days!" she said. Didn't tell her that I'm not having a wedding, so that's one free meal she'll miss...
Anyway, is she like that? Does she buy for the kids?

[goingloombandcrazy]

Just tell her you'd rather not do birthdays and Christmas anymore.

[IScreamForIceCream]

Or only buy stuff with her name on it? My mum and I do this for one aunt.
Ha! There is no way she can re gift our gifts back to us then!

NB she too is passive aggressive - she'd moan when we tried to move away from giving gifts but when we did give gifts, she'd give them right back to us...

[LovesPeace]

Tbh, I'd be sorely tempted to buy her the most tasteless thing I could find it the charity shops. Then, when it boomerangs back to you, donate it to the charity shop and buy a fresh monstrosity.

That way, you have fun, and charity wins.

[MaryWestmacott]

I think from now on, things she can't regift - so charity gifts, food items etc. or just don't bother giving her anything other than a card. She'll get upset, but you are upset now, and down on the price of a bracelet you gave her. Just give her nothing.

[BeCool]

I vote for gifting it back to her next birthday

[maras2]

DH and SIL had rather rich DGP's.When DSIL was a child (1950's) she saved and bought her Nan a soap dish and sponge set for Christmas.16 years later,guess what Nan gave her for her 21st?It was in the original packaging with the 1/6d price tag.

[LovesPeace]

It's deliberate, and it's point scoring crap. The message is 'your gift isn't good enough for ME so here, have it back'.
My mother does exactly this, and/or if I saved up as a kid to get her something expensive, she'd accept it, then buy herself a bigger, better version and throw mine out/give it to charity.
Yes, she even competed to buy herself a better present than her school aged kid could.
Mental, and now present less!

[RubbishMantra]

Oh god Mary, that is so tempting! I wish I was that machiavellian!

[MaryWestmacott]

how about sending a message like "Hi Mum, thank you for the bracelet, it's very like the one I got you 3 years ago. I did really like it so at the time I bought myself one to match yours, great minds think alike that you've gone and got me a similar one as well! As I don't really need 2 the same, do you still have the recipt for this bracelet so I can return it or would you prefer to exchange it yourself? Love, RubbishMantra PS if you don't have the receipt, let me know where it's from and I'll see if they'll let me do an exchange without."

[RubbishMantra]

at the re-gifting MIL!

That reminds me of one Christmas when I got a used electric frying pan(?!?) from my mum. A note fluttered out, stating "It has a few scratches on the bottom because I tried it out. It's marvellous!"

[RubbishMantra]

I like the calm "mum, did you forget..."

Giving it back would be very satisfying, but ultimately I'd probably feel bad.

And at the risk of sounding like a horrible person, I'm looking forward to making her squirm a bit. None of us EVER stand up to her (well my sister did once, and because of that, she got cut out of my parents lives. But that's another story.)

[tobiasfunke]

Re-gift it back. If she says anything point out you gave it to her in the first place.
My MIL does this - a lot. There is a Santa themed tie that SIL gave FIL years ago. DH got it regifted so he gave it back to his Dad the next year. Last year they forgot and regifted it back to DH. His Dad will get it again this year.
I gave my MIL a lovely set of 3 little vases and my mother gave her a set of fancy handcreams. She regifted my mother one vase and one handcream the next year. She regifts me books but she often leaves her bookmarks in them.

[gamerchick]

Well either as has been suggested buy something you really like so you'll get it back or just send her the bracelet back to her... mega recycling there.

[lettertoherms]

Could she have forgotten in regards to the bracelet, and with the bowl and ornament, she was looking at it as passing on the cherished items you bought as children so that you can keep them within the family, as heirlooms?

[Meerka]

"hehe mum, we liked it or we'd not have given it to you, but you didn't need to give it back to us!"

It will embarass her, but the point'll be made. The only proviso I'd say that if she is forgetful, it would be a bit unkind. But if you're certain she knows what she's doing then it's fine

Or simply straight out "mum, did you forget that I gave this to you three years ago?" It -can- be said gently and in a calm way. But if you find that difficult (and I really understand, super-controlling father myself) then it won't work.

Giving it back to her is another way of making the point too I guess =)

[RubbishMantra]

Fortunately I live a long way from her Ragwort, so no chance of exchanging experiences. Thank christ...

Could be a fair point about her not wanting more stuff in her life. She sometimes sends us parcels of her cast off clothes. Including elastic-gone-baggy knickers. I kid you not.

[Hissy]

Yeah, just gift it back, saying that you loved yours SO much you got HER one! :)

[Ragwort]

My mother and I only exchange 'experiences'- ie: we go out for a meal togther/beauty treatment/theatre - that sort of thing.

Could you suggest that ?

Or a charity gift, she can't give that back and if she says anything you can mildly say 'well, I realise you have everything you need as you have returned a few gifts to us'.

Or maybe (like me ) she really, really doesn't want any more 'stuff' in her lives - you do get to the point where you don't really want any more presents.

[RubbishMantra]

So just come right out and say it Meerka? How to put it without being PA myself? I tend to be quite confrontational because I can't stand the old passive aggression.

[Vitalstatistix]

maybe she forgets that you gave them to her and just retains this vague idea that it is something that you would like?

Trying to be generous here

but yes, making sure the gift is something you like is a good idea. If you really feel you can't tell her that you gave her the bracelet in the first place.

[RubbishMantra]

Ooh, I like the idea of giving it back to her!

I think she is a bit of a present recycler, but she always manages to re-gift the presents we bought her back to us, so not that forgetful really.

Itching to say something though.