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Original poster

Was this a patronising comment by new boyfriend?

57 replies

greenleavesoutside · 19/08/2014 11:23

Been seeing a guy for a few months. We went for a walk in the countryside which involved quite a steep hill (we had to climb up some steep rocks at some point and it there was an almost vertical drop to each side of us). I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it. I have done a lot of hiking (climbed Ben nevis, snowdon amongst others). Anyway later on we were discussing how lovely the walk was, the views etc and my boyfriend starts gushing how "proud" he was of me to find my hiking feet and that I managed to overcome my fears etc. I didn't say anything, just smiled but inside i felt the pang of annoyance rising as i just felt this was quite patronising.

Do i just need to wind my neck in? Or is this patronising?

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 19/08/2014 16:34

There's a massive difference between greenleaves being proud of herself or her BF saying to her Wow well done - you should be proud of yourself and him saying I'm proud of you. She doesn't belong to him.

PlumpPartridge · 19/08/2014 17:06

Maybe your issue is with the phrase 'I'm proud of you' rather than the approbation and support which I assume he was trying to convey.

'I'm proud of you' does imply more of a parent-child relationship, to my mind. If you don't like it then you're perfectly entitled to tell him so - how else will he know?

RedRoom · 19/08/2014 17:24

I'm in agreement with those saying it's the I'm proud of you for finding your feet part that sounds a bit patronising. I think you'd say that sort of thing to a child who has just had their bicycle stabilisers removed or has learned to walk.

Anyway, let it slide. He meant well, even if it was irritating!

BigFatFatty · 19/08/2014 17:31

I don't think I'd have taken it that way but... If I had, I'd have just said 'Oh thanks for the enthusiasm, were you expecting me to be incapable?' in a jokey way. I am waaaay passive aggressive though

Generally, better to just deal with it there and then though, easier to just make a joke of it I think, saves the confusion/potential resentment.

Sure he meant nothing of it though, just miscommunication perhaps.

BackforGood · 19/08/2014 17:34

You've said you 'got a bit shaky' and have a fear of heights, so surely it was an achievement to do that walk. The highest mountains often have the most well trodden paths, so what you did today was probably far more challenging. Therefore, you should be proud.
Possibly, he was just instinctive with wanting to say something nice, and about how chuffed he was that you'd managed something you were clearly struggling with, so didn't stop to consider whether, under analysis, his phrasing was 'just so' ?

I can't for the life of me understand why people can't take the "intent" of what people say to them, even where they might have been a bit clumsy with the choice of words.

Poor bloke.

ilovelamp82 · 19/08/2014 17:39

I think maybe what can't be conveyed here and only you know is the tone in whch it was said. If you felt the needto post about it then mayvbe it was patronising. Just bring it up with him.

poguemahon · 19/08/2014 17:42

"I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it."

Then surely his reaction was appropriate?

Would have been different if you'd said "I skipped up it like a sure-footed mountain goat and then he started going on about being proud of me"

Legionofboom · 19/08/2014 18:08

BackforGood Excellent post.

Joysmum · 19/08/2014 18:16

You say yourself you were shaky as there was a big drop each side and you are scared of heights. He'd be able to see for himself how you overcame your fear and there's nothing patronizing in feeling a pride for somebody who can overcome their fears.

I've done Snowden (all be it a long time ago) and don't remember there being anything like that.

Fontella · 19/08/2014 18:24

Another patronising comment from me I'm afraid.

it's Snowdon - not Snowden.

If only one poster had got it wrong fair enough, but it appears numerous times in this thread.

Call me a pedant (or worse) but if you climb a mountain, it's good to be able to spell the name of it correctly.

poguemahon · 19/08/2014 18:28

Thanks for that contributution Fontell I'm currently imagining a cartoon anvil landing on your head

Dirtybadger · 19/08/2014 18:29

I'd feel patronised. Would probably have said something at the time, though. Moment is lost. Give him the benefit of the doubt but keep an eye out.

Fontella · 19/08/2014 18:34

Thanks for that contributution Fontell I'm currently imagining a cartoon anvil landing on your head

Oh the irony ....

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/08/2014 18:49

Ihmo, the comment was a judgement. The annoyance would arise from the implication of his being in a superior position to rate your performance (unless it is a known fact that he is a legend in hiking/climbing himself ). I think that is why "You should be pleased with yourself" is good, or "good for you".

But, yes, to BackforGood on the intent at the same time. I think you did well in not calling him to task over his choice of words in the moment.

Perhaps it isn't best to "keep score" per se, but be aware of the superior/subordinate dynamic and see if he implies this in other ways.

museumum · 19/08/2014 20:05

My husband was proud of me when I ran a marathon. It doesn't mean he sees me as a child. It wasn't patronising. I think it's fine to be proud of a partner who does something that stretches them.

alphabook · 19/08/2014 20:48

I agree with BackForGood. Picking on the semantics of how he phrased it is a bit unfair, not everyone is perfectly eloquent at all times. I take what he said to simply mean "well done for overcoming your fears" (especially if he doesn't know you've climbed Snowdon etc). If he frequently makes patronising comments then that's an issue, but if we fixate on it every time someone in our lives says something slightly "wrong" we'd all be single, and probably have no friends either.

sonjadog · 19/08/2014 20:57

I don't think it's patronising. Maybe a bit tactless but he's trying to gush over his new girlfriend and something came out a bit wrong. Let it go, he was trying to give you a compliment.

I haven't been up Snowdon, but Ben Nevis dosen't involve steep drops so it sounds like this hike was a completely different experience.

crispandfruity · 19/08/2014 21:46

What should he have said? I'm with Back

crazylady321 · 19/08/2014 22:33

Im sure he didnt mean anything by it, personally wouldnt find it patronising

Botanicbaby · 19/08/2014 23:51

"I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it. "

jeez, of course he didn't mean to be patronising. He's only known you for a few months. I'd say his intention wasn't to be patronising but if you need to be told that, not sure this relationship is for you if you're already feeling rising pangs of annoyance for such an innocuous remark. Agree with the others, poor bloke!

Botanicbaby · 19/08/2014 23:53

btw the 'he's only known you for a few months' was in relation to you both getting to know each other. Sounds like he's trying to compliment you after you being a bit shaky on this particular hike, not to belittle the other hikes.

LePamplemousse · 19/08/2014 23:57

I think for some people, being 'proud' of someone else means that they feel that they some kind of influence or impact on their achievement, and that could be taken as patronising.
I think, however, that for other people - and I've particularly noticed this with American people - being proud of someone can mean something closer to 'being pleased for someone'.
So on this occasion I'd wind your neck in but I know exactly what you mean.

PlumpPartridge · 20/08/2014 10:53

You say yourself you were shaky as there was a big drop each side and you are scared of heights......I've done Snowden (all be it a long time ago) and don't remember there being anything like that.

That's the start of the Snowdon horseshoe, Joysmum! Massive drop on both sides!

borisgudanov · 21/08/2014 00:28

If you did Ben Nevis by the ruta turistica and Snowdon up the Llanberis track, he's just being patronising and chauvinistic. If you did Ben Nevis via the Carn Mor Dearg arête and Snowdon up Crib Goch and down Y Llywedd, then you need to get him on the Aonach Eagach or An Teallach then take the piss mercilessly afterwards.

wafflyversatile · 21/08/2014 00:36

I hope there isn't somewhere on the internet where people are painstakingly analysing everything I say.

you said you were a bit shaky but you made it. He said he's proud of you. He was probably just being nice and trying to be supportive of his new girlfriend who he likes and wants to like him and was pleased you will be able to share this activity.

I rarely give compliments. If I say I'm proud of someone then it's out of admiration for their achievement.

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