Been seeing a guy for a few months. We went for a walk in the countryside which involved quite a steep hill (we had to climb up some steep rocks at some point and it there was an almost vertical drop to each side of us). I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it. I have done a lot of hiking (climbed Ben nevis, snowdon amongst others). Anyway later on we were discussing how lovely the walk was, the views etc and my boyfriend starts gushing how "proud" he was of me to find my hiking feet and that I managed to overcome my fears etc. I didn't say anything, just smiled but inside i felt the pang of annoyance rising as i just felt this was quite patronising.
Do i just need to wind my neck in? Or is this patronising?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Was this a patronising comment by new boyfriend?
greenleavesoutside · 19/08/2014 11:23
I don't think I'd have taken it that way but... If I had, I'd have just said 'Oh thanks for the enthusiasm, were you expecting me to be incapable?' in a jokey way. I am waaaay passive aggressive though 
Generally, better to just deal with it there and then though, easier to just make a joke of it I think, saves the confusion/potential resentment.
Sure he meant nothing of it though, just miscommunication perhaps.
You've said you 'got a bit shaky' and have a fear of heights, so surely it was an achievement to do that walk. The highest mountains often have the most well trodden paths, so what you did today was probably far more challenging. Therefore, you should be proud.
Possibly, he was just instinctive with wanting to say something nice, and about how chuffed he was that you'd managed something you were clearly struggling with, so didn't stop to consider whether, under analysis, his phrasing was 'just so' ? 
I can't for the life of me understand why people can't take the "intent" of what people say to them, even where they might have been a bit clumsy with the choice of words.
Poor bloke.
"I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it."
Then surely his reaction was appropriate? 
Would have been different if you'd said "I skipped up it like a sure-footed mountain goat and then he started going on about being proud of me"
Ihmo, the comment was a judgement. The annoyance would arise from the implication of his being in a superior position to rate your performance (unless it is a known fact that he is a legend in hiking/climbing himself 
). I think that is why "You should be pleased with yourself" is good, or "good for you".
But, yes, to BackforGood on the intent at the same time. I think you did well in not calling him to task over his choice of words in the moment.
Perhaps it isn't best to "keep score" per se, but be aware of the superior/subordinate dynamic and see if he implies this in other ways.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
You say yourself you were shaky as there was a big drop each side and you are scared of heights......I've done Snowden (all be it a long time ago) and don't remember there being anything like that.
That's the start of the Snowdon horseshoe, Joysmum! Massive drop on both sides!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.