Was this a patronising comment by new boyfriend?

[greenleavesoutside]

Been seeing a guy for a few months. We went for a walk in the countryside which involved quite a steep hill (we had to climb up some steep rocks at some point and it there was an almost vertical drop to each side of us). I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it. I have done a lot of hiking (climbed Ben nevis, snowdon amongst others). Anyway later on we were discussing how lovely the walk was, the views etc and my boyfriend starts gushing how "proud" he was of me to find my hiking feet and that I managed to overcome my fears etc. I didn't say anything, just smiled but inside i felt the pang of annoyance rising as i just felt this was quite patronising.

Do i just need to wind my neck in? Or is this patronising?

[KittiesInsane]

Aonach Eagach rang a bell, Boris, so I googled it.

Bloody hell. I trotted across that when I was an immortal-feeling 18-yr-old. Must have been bonkers.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

How sad that so many people can feel so affronted or patronised so easily or feel the need to analyse every single word of a phrase to try and decide whether there was some underlying subtext.

I have a best friend. She has recently taken up singing. She recently had a solo in a concert. She was great. I told her I was very proud of her. Because I was. She once told me she was very proud of me for something I had achieved (getting on a plane when I was shit scared of flying).

Some people just can't do anything right and are probably better never offering comment or passing a compliment for fear they will be dumped.

[ProfYaffle]

I'd find the 'found my hiking feet' bit rather patronising, that definitely overlooks the hiking you've done previously.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Proud is an odd word to use. Impressed would be better. He was almost certainly trying to be nice though!

(I might try using 'proud' back to him some time and see how he reacts. Then discuss).

[lottiegarbanzo]

I'm a reasonably experienced hiker who is scared of heights and who has been lucky enough to be able to test and gradually extend my limits (a bit, fear still limits me in places where fitness and ability don't) by walking with experienced, supportive people.

I'd have said something like that - explained that vertical exposure does really bother me - how walking along a flat, wide ledge is harder for me than scrambling up an inward-facing, technically much more challenging incline - and told a few stories of times when I've been able to overcome that to do a really enjoyable route and probably mention some routes I know about but won't be doing any time soon.

By sharing stories I'd expect to set my fear in context, inform him a bit about the range of my experience, help him get to know me better and entertain!

The effect would also be to 'take ownership' of my experience. I think your frustration is that he is implying, perhaps unintentionally, that he is more experienced and 'the leader' in this activity when quite possibly you are more experienced but he just not scared of heights - which could make you a great walking team if you play to your strengths.

[Egghead68]

Irritating.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time (he perhaps didn't choose his words well) but any more patronising/chauvinistic comments and I wouldn't.

[bobbywash]

I seem to recall a "joke" somewhere of a man saying to a women, "if there are two ways to take this, I meant the nice one"

I think that's what you need to do in theis case, all this discussion of possession, property etc, he won't have thought of that he was happy that you overcame a fear and wanted to appear supportive nothing more.

Don't over analyse, I often open my mouth just to change feet.

[wafflyversatile]

I hope there isn't somewhere on the internet where people are painstakingly analysing everything I say.

you said you were a bit shaky but you made it. He said he's proud of you. He was probably just being nice and trying to be supportive of his new girlfriend who he likes and wants to like him and was pleased you will be able to share this activity.

I rarely give compliments. If I say I'm proud of someone then it's out of admiration for their achievement.

[borisgudanov]

If you did Ben Nevis by the ruta turistica and Snowdon up the Llanberis track, he's just being patronising and chauvinistic. If you did Ben Nevis via the Carn Mor Dearg arête and Snowdon up Crib Goch and down Y Llywedd, then you need to get him on the Aonach Eagach or An Teallach then take the piss mercilessly afterwards.

[PlumpPartridge]

You say yourself you were shaky as there was a big drop each side and you are scared of heights......I've done Snowden (all be it a long time ago) and don't remember there being anything like that.



That's the start of the Snowdon horseshoe, Joysmum! Massive drop on both sides!

[LePamplemousse]

I think for some people, being 'proud' of someone else means that they feel that they some kind of influence or impact on their achievement, and that could be taken as patronising.
I think, however, that for other people - and I've particularly noticed this with American people - being proud of someone can mean something closer to 'being pleased for someone'.
So on this occasion I'd wind your neck in but I know exactly what you mean.

[Botanicbaby]

btw the 'he's only known you for a few months' was in relation to you both getting to know each other. Sounds like he's trying to compliment you after you being a bit shaky on this particular hike, not to belittle the other hikes.

[Botanicbaby]

"I have quite a fear of heights as it is and got a bit shaky but managed to get up it. "

jeez, of course he didn't mean to be patronising. He's only known you for a few months. I'd say his intention wasn't to be patronising but if you need to be told that, not sure this relationship is for you if you're already feeling rising pangs of annoyance for such an innocuous remark. Agree with the others, poor bloke!

[crazylady321]

Im sure he didnt mean anything by it, personally wouldnt find it patronising

[crispandfruity]

What should he have said? I'm with Back

[sonjadog]

I don't think it's patronising. Maybe a bit tactless but he's trying to gush over his new girlfriend and something came out a bit wrong. Let it go, he was trying to give you a compliment.

I haven't been up Snowdon, but Ben Nevis dosen't involve steep drops so it sounds like this hike was a completely different experience.

[alphabook]

I agree with BackForGood. Picking on the semantics of how he phrased it is a bit unfair, not everyone is perfectly eloquent at all times. I take what he said to simply mean "well done for overcoming your fears" (especially if he doesn't know you've climbed Snowdon etc). If he frequently makes patronising comments then that's an issue, but if we fixate on it every time someone in our lives says something slightly "wrong" we'd all be single, and probably have no friends either.

[museumum]

My husband was proud of me when I ran a marathon. It doesn't mean he sees me as a child. It wasn't patronising. I think it's fine to be proud of a partner who does something that stretches them.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Ihmo, the comment was a judgement. The annoyance would arise from the implication of his being in a superior position to rate your performance (unless it is a known fact that he is a legend in hiking/climbing himself ). I think that is why "You should be pleased with yourself" is good, or "good for you".

But, yes, to BackforGood on the intent at the same time. I think you did well in not calling him to task over his choice of words in the moment.

Perhaps it isn't best to "keep score" per se, but be aware of the superior/subordinate dynamic and see if he implies this in other ways.

[Fontella]

Thanks for that contributution Fontell I'm currently imagining a cartoon anvil landing on your head

Oh the irony ....

[Dirtybadger]

I'd feel patronised. Would probably have said something at the time, though. Moment is lost. Give him the benefit of the doubt but keep an eye out.

[poguemahon]

Thanks for that contributution Fontell I'm currently imagining a cartoon anvil landing on your head

[Fontella]

Another patronising comment from me I'm afraid.

it's Snowdon - not Snowden.

If only one poster had got it wrong fair enough, but it appears numerous times in this thread.

Call me a pedant (or worse) but if you climb a mountain, it's good to be able to spell the name of it correctly.

[Joysmum]

You say yourself you were shaky as there was a big drop each side and you are scared of heights. He'd be able to see for himself how you overcame your fear and there's nothing patronizing in feeling a pride for somebody who can overcome their fears.

I've done Snowden (all be it a long time ago) and don't remember there being anything like that.

[Legionofboom]

BackforGood Excellent post.